The Crazy Auditions

1/17/06 continued
American Idol from Chicago

Before I even get started, a few disclaimers... in no way do I ever intend maliciousness with my comments. I believe in speaking my mind, calling it like I see it, but without any hatin' and a minimum of meanness. However... anytime people get in front of a TV camera, not only are they seeking stardom, they are setting themselves up to all kinds of critique. Good or bad, happy or sad. Yes, they are still human beings - but they are on display now.

So here we go...

For some reason the very first guy they show is a dude with sweaty armpits. He is absolutely certifiable and needs to be in a loony bin. TIIC, please get the straight jackets, stat! And one for me too, because after watching this … heh? They are going to let this psycho come back in an hour to try again?? This is not starting out well.

Now a girl doing rap - UGH. And here’s a guy who claims he can do anything from Elvis to Queen. Which kind of queen do ya think? Now... twins with little devil beards chat with Ryan. They look creepy.

Now we are subjected to… who was that, Yoko Ono? Some flaming guy, weirdly dressed gals, a bimbo who gets the *bleep bleep.* Seems like these morons would learn to watch the language, what is the point?

Lots of complaining about the judges. Some “why-does-God-let-these-people-live?” contestants. The devil beard twins again. Why do they let them sing together? They sound okay, but this is not American Twin Idols. Simon makes with the funny. I really like him!

Now we have filler… time wasting… picking on Simon. Uh oh. Now we have a Simon groupie. They are showing her in her day job in a dentist office and at night fronting an all girl band. She has a pretty smile, good voice. Gross, sucking up to Simon. Double gross, tongue stud. Simon makes with the funny again, and she makes it through.

Cut to the hallway… who would bring their little baby to this? Some highlights of more very bad stuff. I think TIIC just dragged some of these folks straight from one of those TV “judge” shows.

Finally!!! A pretty black lady in a great shawl… her name is Mandisa Hundley from Tennessee. YES! She is splendid!! I have my favorite so far. No, he did not!! Simon made a crack about her weight. Okay, not liking him anymore.

Next up, a casting call for Beauty and the Geek. Wonder if this guy realizes he is in the wrong place? Classic example of “so bad it’s good” – probably the next William Hung. Ridiculous judge banter. Now another flaming guy. WHEN are these folks going to learn that Simon despises flamers??? Prepare to be bashed… then move on to that Queer Eye show. Sorry but when you set yourself up to be a punchline, don’t be surprised when you become… a freakin' punchline!

More fodder… loud gal who is apparently off her meds… Paula being part Gandhi and part Gotti. Tears and ramifications. Wow, now we have a cop of some sort. From West Virginia. No he is not… please no…cops everywhere are hanging their heads in shame. In shame I tell you! Disgraceful.

Sweaty armpit guy again. Are TIIC hittin' the pipe this year? WASTE OF TIME. Simon picks on a girl in glasses and a prom dress. The chick should have seen that coming. For future reference contestants… don’t show up in ridiculous costumes, especially if you’re a flamer.

I am so tired of sweaty armpit guy and am now convinced that TIIC are well… Idiots. In Charge nevertheless. Oh well, I have a headache now. Forrest's friend Bubba… that is who he reminds me of.

Beware of Mommies, Grandmas, and Music Teachers who say their contestant is the “absolute best.” Now we have an angry Grandma fussing at Simon. YES! Finally some entertainment.

Sisters are up next. Video montage, which means they will make it through. Some boring stuff about corn mazes. What show am I watching? They sing better together than separately. Quandary and confusion abound. Especially when next up we have a screaming cat gal.

Torch Guy is next, cute but boring. Paula is drooling and giddy. When she says “great vibe” does that mean…? Never mind.

Next up, Simon says “a right mess” to a Fiona Apple clone who gets a *bleep.* Am not understanding what I am seeing now… playa hatin'? Did I accidentally switch the TV to The Parkers? So obviously staged.

Montage time, which means we have someone who’s making it through… A cute teenaged boy doing Sinatra. Oh my – SIMON likes him??

Now it's Paris-Ashlee-as-a-Streetwalker with her man-in-drag-looking mom. I can already see where this is going. Simon laughs at her fake tan. This girl is comically stupid especially when her mom comes in the room to much ridicule. Fuss fuss bleep bleep boring boring. Poor Ryan.

Endless fodder… a tribute to morons and hats. Yep, TIIC are losin' it. Flamers part four – sing in English when you are on AMERICAN Idol, dummy! No they have not put a Ukraine chick on there? She needs a pole and low lights. Make it stop, make it stop!!

More twins to bore us and Simon, but not Paula who is in puppy dog lust heaven. Poor Randy. Sometimes I think he is too good for this mess. Of course this mess has made him more money than… whatever he did before.

Next up, more evidence of idiocy. This crazy guy looks like Max Headroom. Paula and Randy put this moron through just to tick Simon off! WOOO! WOOO! They are going to regret this. Straight jackets all around please.

Now we have editing tricks and a split second of some folks who actually made it, and the traditional mangled lyric montage. My ears are bleeding and I think a blood vessel popped. Why do I love this show? I ask myself through the pain of my migraine.

So this episode brought us … Mandisa! But that’s about all the good that came from it.

1/18/06

American Idol from Denver

A few random thoughts… why do these people bother: weird gimmickers, stupid human trickers, ridiculous costumers. If you want to get on TV that badly, AFV is still on and getting trashier every year. People please. My dogs are howling. And aren’t eyebrow piercings painful?

Whining does NOT help things. Go find Ricki Lake. Bad … awful… terrible. The judges are getting ticked from the badness.

Finally, a pretty little black gal with curly hair. Wow, her mom looks like a movie star. We all know she is going to make it. Very polished and only 16. Simon says something about teenagers should be at home going to the prom and stuff. No wait, that was me. This girl is exceptional though.

Now more stupid fodder filler with Ryan, who is adorable in a generic, metrosexual way. More appallingly bad singers who actually think they are good. The judges laugh and make fun while the morons have the audacity to look shocked. Has this show become a parody of itself? Am I watching Mad TV??

Okay, now we have rosy cheeked cutie-pie boy in a toboggan. GREAT smile. Who cares about his voice. That SMILE, oh my goodness. 100% yes as Randy said. Paula's funny, she is over the moon and trying to contain herself. And I don't blame her a bit!

Oh gosh, now a sob story “I was evicted blah blah” who brought 20 family members. Next we have wanna-be rockers, some who look and sound like Satan. Chicks too, some who know they are bad. There are no Bos here.

Wait… here is the bald dude, they are showing a montage with a crying wife, kids, “I just love ‘im” tears and more tears. Make me barf. But the guy has a good rock voice; he looks like that Vin guy. They show more of the crying wife, egads. Peace out, thank God he made it, or they’d have to call the rescue squad.

Now we have some good, some bizarre, some Paula imitators, some so bad that Simon’s sarcasm reaches an all time high. Some more editing tricks, sound effects and evidence of insanity by TIIC.

Oh goody, a bunch of cowboys. Yay. Did this little guy say he sings to … turkeys? Cute smile if you’re into that Brokeback stuff. Why oh why did the judges put this little boy through??? He will be eaten alive. I really think the guys put him through because Paula said NO. Okay, so his enthusiasm is infectious. So what. My Kid thinks he is the cutest thing ever.

Wish they’d show more of the GOOD people who made it through instead of this bad crap. Oh well, that is why I am hooked. Some more folks who give meaning to the phrase “Too Stupid to Live.” Is Simon trying to pimp his new show about inventors? Hmmm, one wonders.

There are no words to explain how bad the next few contestants are. Makes me think that when bad people die they don’t go to hell… they have to listen to THIS for all eternity. And now… the guy/girl … or is it girl/guy? WHY set yourself up for inevitable ridicule?

Well, this episode brought us the pretty teen girl with curly hair (Lisa) and the bald rocker (Chris) with the good rock voice and crying wife.

1/24/06

American Idol from Greensboro

Ryan is pondering why oh why did TIIC pick Greensboro as an audition city? Then he backpedals and says that the SOUTH has given us a lot of talent…Well yeah since all of the winners so far have NOT been Yankees. Helllllllo…

First up, the “I Am Now Ashamed of My Home State” gal. At least Simon mentions what I have thought all along… some of these folks belong on the Jerry Springer Show. True dat! And the judges all agree.

Now we gotta have some bad attitudes, you know what I’m talkin' 'bout. Drama queens, divas, playa hatin'. Bad bad bad. Worse than bad. Simon is laughing. Ryan is dissing the city again. Uh ohs abound.

Blonde girl montage, roller skating waitress. They are showing the grandpa and telling the sob story. Mommy gone, daddy in prison. Tears, more tears, then extreme close-up of tears. She is a shoo in. She says she has hardly ever sang in front of anyone. She talks a lot. Adorable though, awwww, good voice, but why a Kelly Clarkson song?? That is just sacrilegious I think. Simon really does like her. She chats until it becomes embarrassing and then more tears. Bye-bye rolling skating waitress job!

More gimmicks up next, including an obnoxious little brother with a mullet. THIS is in my home state? Tell me no please. Poor Ryan is forced to make nice chatter with insane people. And now we have a ventriloquist? Why??

More people bringing shame to themselves and their moms. And my home state. Simon tries to be kind for once and it just ain’t working. Next up an arrogant military guy who gives meaning to the phrase “I would like to buy you for what you’re worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.” I am honestly gagging and have to avert my eyes.

Another chick who brought her entire family. Good voice. Next is another flamer, when oh when will they get it? Simon will say NO. Emphatically not. Even if mom is listening at the door. Best Simon quote so far - “You went from torture to murder.”

Now we have “foster home gal,” like that should have anything to do with how good she sings. Strikingly gorgeous girl with a bunch of little kids. Ryan is smitten. Simon is smitten. Randy tries not to be smitten. Paula is kinda bored. Hmmm… I do NOT like the way this girl totally dissed her little kids! Can you say DIVA?

I have never in my life been so embarrassed of my home state. Between the pervs and the total morons, it is discouraging. For real. Simon, help, take me to the UK with you. “I Don’t Mean to Be Rude, But…” I can understand why he named his book that. But I digress...

Poor Ryan chatting with the wiccan be-yotch in lingerie. Why are the judges giving props to the girl just because her mom is a stripper?? I don’t get that.

More nos, a couple yeses to gals but no guys. Unless you count the flamers and I don’t count them as real guys, sorry. I am just hetero that way. So sue me. Now we have a hiccupping Eminem wannabe. Some of these folks make me feel like I am a really great singer. Alas, I am too old for the show as in way way way.

We are shown more whining and complaining. Finally, a cute guy with a good voice and HOT body and cool highlights. He’s 27 though, too old for Paula. Ha Ha. Next up is Fantasia’s cousin; he was from the wrong side of that family tree.

Finally… Randy is “oh my God‘ing” to a nice-looking black lady saying something about sounds of blackness… was that a group or something? Anyway, little girl comes in, looks like Fantasia without the skank. (Sorry, I love Fantasia but true is true.) Babyish speaking voice, but WOW YES. Amazing kid. Bless her heart, she’s crying and trying to squeak-talk.

Now we have Simon’s gigantous birthday cake. Paula has a pretty hairdo. Wish I knew where she got her wigs, they’re great. More of poor Ryan interviewing the moron brigade.

A few more random thoughts… Why oh why do people audition to Michael Jackson songs? Why mime “a teardrop” whenever a song mentions crying? Why does Simon wear shirts that show off his man boobies? And why does he look sexy in spite of this? Hmmm.

Why is this episode getting so bless-ed boring with the whole smashing a DVD and crazy flamers and that Lil Kim wannabe?? And I don’t mean to sound shallow, but there is no place on TV for ugly people. We just don’t want to see them. So there, it had to be said.

I am so tired of the Greensboro episode. When Paula’s hairdo holds more attention than the contestants, you know TIIC fell asleep at the wheel. More and more examples of what Simon hates most… I won’t even say it. I will never mock Cal-e-forn-yay again. And folks... under no circumstances should a guy wear eyeliner. Ever. Never. No.

So now we are exposed to a cute gal who looks like The Nanny and blabs to Ryan about an 11- hour train ride and cheating boyfriend, blah blah. I think she made it through on pity.

Next is a montage of the slim pickins of real men in this audition city. Thanks TIIC. Thanks for subjecting us to another white MJ impersonator that made us want to stuff our ears with cotton and poke our eyes out. Why MJ people? Child molesters are not inspiring. Nope.

They keep flashing the Lil Kim wannabe. She is just laughable, dissing Paula. Wasn’t she on COPS?? Now we are subjected to a fireman in full uniform. Is he for real or just thinking it’s Halloween? When are these folks going to learn not to chit chat with the judges?

Next a montage of past “straight from the mental institution” contestants, to the big (and I mean big in a bad way) build up of the Lil Kim gal. She re-massacres some Britney while in front of the judges. The judges are kinda scared of her. WHY did the producers waste SO MUCH AIRTIME on this saggy-belly-hanging-out-of-spandex lunatic???? And why am I watching, why am I writing and why do I care? Hmmm. Leaving now.

So this episode brought the little blonde roller skating “woe is me” gal whose name is Kellie Pickler. Easy to remember because her catch phrase is “Pick Pickler.” And the little gal named Paris, who is a mini-Fantasia.

1/25/06

American Idol from San Francisco

Well, Greensboro had all the freaks and flamers so we probably won't see any tonight in San Fran. I hang my head in shame and will not acknowledge The Tar Heel State as my birthplace.

First up is a pretty Hawaiian gal but not in a Jasmine way. This blonde is cute but with a weird opera voice. She looks exactly like Kelly Preston (20 years ago.)

Uh oh, a montage of a big flaming black guy who says he sings like an angel. Well, TIIC have pulled a fast one – this guy is waaay weird and sounds like a pack of hyenas. Next up, a montage of more dogs (not dawgs.)

Here is a little bald dude who is kinda cute and pretty good. His name is Sway; we know this because it’s on his belt buckle which is dorkified, but oh well.

Now a guy who looks like an accountant and sounds like nails on a chalkboard. We get a weird Air Force guy… what was that? A good argument with Simon and Randy ensues.

A montage of folks with their vocal coaches. Gimme a break. Okay good, montage time with a cute chick whose mom is a vocal coach. Can you say shoo in? This lady makes Mommie Dearest look like Carol Brady. The kid has a good voice and gets props from the judges. She doesn’t understand what Simon means when he says she is “current.” Tears, awww, now mommie won’t tie her to the piano leg.

Next up some stuff so bad that it’s not even watchable. Way too much air time given to a lady who says she quit her job to go to the audition. Simon proves he is human by phoning the gal’s boss to get her job back. Awww.

Now up, a little girl in pigtails with a rock musician dad who causes tension between the judges. More gimmicky stuff, quick highlights of some bad sounding and stupid looking humans.

Now a cute girl in a very short skirt who is pretty good but Simon has his panties in a wad and we have a name-calling contest between the three judges. More contestants come in, some good and some okay and the judges are all over each other. It’s a pissin’ contest at this point.

Now we have…Ummmm... this lady claims to be only 27 but… she looks like a blonde Cousin Itt. Now it’s a knock-down-drag-out between Simon and Paula with Randy adding fuel to the fire. Wow, Simon gets up, walks out, gets in his car and LEAVES!! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Only one more contestant to see anyway so no biggie. Boring guy with Heat Miser hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket. He will not shut up… it is very uncomfortable.

This episode was kinda boring for San Francisco…The cute perky gal (Katharine) with the vocal teacher mom was the highlight. And methinks the judges have had too much togetherness already!

1/31/06

American Idol from Las Vegas

Hope this is less boring than San Francisco. Well, they are showing a commercial for the city of Las Vegas. Where are Grissom and crew? They are needed to decipher the remains of the crushed spirit of the first guy up…

Fake Jamaican accent and stupid yarn wig. Please please please. Tears? Gimme a bless-ed break. Ya set yerself up moron, get over it. More freaks and geeks and even a psychic. Sometimes I think a barf bag is needed to watch this show.

I am so bored… sitting here wondering…Why is this show number one and why am I watching?? Uh oh, montage of a belly dancer who looks about 10 years old. Uh, ewwww. This has escalated from boring to creepy. Pretty good voice for an infant. Ryan does the “I’m-so-sweet” routine.

We are subjected to some punk rock crap from a jerk with an attitude. Ah, go back to your meth lab. Oops, montage of a cute gal who works in a prison. She reminds me of Vonzell. Simon likes her but Paula? Not so much.

Next up, montage of a goofy guy who is a gondolier (something about canoes.) The judges argue and TIIC pulled another fast one on us. For unscripted TV, this seems very scripted to me.

Now a montage of folks who have auditioned before. I think one guy is the devil with a mullet. Now an animal lover who looks like Jon Candy only not funny and can’t sing and won’t accept that he sucks.

Oh gosh not more twins. “Who wears short shorts? We wear short shorts!” Lucy Liu clones with no musical ability. Awww, tears.

Next our eardrums are pierced with a cute video parody of CSI: Criminal Singers Investigated. Yawn. And calling a big butt jelly is so gross. Now a guy with an accent heavier than my jelly – go home please. Now we have a gal named Princess. I can see where this is going. Bunch of thumbs down and people who need to be on Letterman’s stupid human tricks.

I am dizzy and nauseous. I just want this to be over. I want House, M.D. to come back on. We are subjected to a bunch of short clips about hair which seems stupid. Until…We meet a cute man …Wait is he MY age???... He has premature gray hair. Love his accent. His voice is kinda soul and bluesy, Ray Charles like. He is a stand out. Paula asks him for 20 seconds of something else and he goes into some kinda fit. Randy likes him. I don’t know if I like him, he is way different though. Okay, he smiled and I like him, YEAH.

Well, it ended on the catch of the day, the gray-haired dude named Taylor. My husband really likes this guy. Auditions and more auditions before we get to the nitty gritty...

2/1/06

American Idol from Austin

We are now into February. Wow, we are in Texas and I see cowboy hats. Who’da figured that? I didn’t think freaks were allowed in that state, nor flamers, but we are sure subjected to a short clip set of them.

First up a ballet dancer from gay-geek land. Dubya needs to deport this dude. Strange, stranger and strangest are up next.

Now a chick with pink braces who says she is in modeling school. She is a Paula fan to the max, to the amusement of Simon.

Next up “zombies” gate crashing idol. I loathe college students. We are subjected to more painful contestants. Second best quote of Simon’s… “Even the out of tune notes were out of tune.”

Now a black-and-white segment comparing the bad singers to horror movie lore. Which leads us to… A funeral director! Ya gotta be kiddin’ us right? Nope. Here he is, in a montage. Some embalming jokes with the judges. Ha nah. So tired of the Josh Groban song in the auditions.

Okay now we have a “beautiful but she knows it” gal who thinks she is great. She sings Christmas songs badly and is offended when they don’t like her. We are subjected to a round of mad sad *bleeps* and tears.

Next a gal who tells about her plane almost crashing on the way to the audition. She makes funny with Simon but can’t sing worth a lick. To prove they are made of human parts, the judges agree to let her come back and try again later. Whatever.

More poor poor pitiful *bleeps.* And now we have an airheaded cutie pie. I think he was looking for the One Tree Hill casting call. Ooh, now a talker who is a music major. Good voice but kinda creepy. Should have been with the college “zombies” outside.

Next a gal who says she is a “fit model” whatever the heck that is, but she acts like she could break into the porn industry. Poser! Go find Constantine. The epitome of the blonde joke (why did the blonde wear shoulder pads? To protect her ears when she says “I don’t know.”)

The Walking-Blonde-Joke should hook up with the next guy, Stuck-On-Myself-Even-More-Than-Simon. Smooth operator, a legend in his own mind. Make me yak even though his voice is kinda good.

Holy crap, a Randy clone is up next. Randy must have passed through Austin 27 years ago if ya know what I mean, dawg.

Next, “near plane crash” girl is back, terrible again. She has made a fool of Chapel Hill, but that is not really hard to do, is it Duke fans? Tee hee.

Oh look, it’s the little boy from The Wonder Years. In a bright red shirt no less. Doing soul, pretty good. Cute as pie. Simon says mothers will adore him and he makes it through.

Now a chick who thinks she is a combo of Diana and Carrie; she says Simon will love her. We can see where this is coming by a mile. Because we all know that next to flamers, Simon disses chubby gals the most. Paula is actually mad at this girl; I would blame the mom for bringing her to the audition.

A segment of some people who actually made it through, including a heavy gal who knocks Poor Ryan down. Kinda funny.

So Austin didn’t bring much except the Kevin Arnold-looking guy…. I think his name is William. Last audition city tomorrow...

2/7/06

American Idol from Boston

Last audition city, thank God. And House is back tonight! Whoop whoop! We sit through a clip segment of people in the rain. A joke about the history of the town causing Simon to be harsher than usual. Whatever.

First up, an Eminem wannabe and since Eminem has absolutely no talent, the wannabe doesn’t stand a chance. Waste of time, next.

A montage of an All-American Girl. Yep, another shoo in. Senator’s daughter, plays basketball. Tall, snobby, and did I say tall? Sings good, darn it. I did not want to like her; I don’t think the judges want to like her either. Given who she is though, I don’t think TIIC can say no.

Next is more really bad stuff that makes me rather watch wrestling instead of this. Simon gets a headache and so do I. Some of the folks not only think they sing good, but they think they are hot looking as well. All I can say is “Next on Jerry Springer.”

Angry tears, whining phone calls to mom, even a gal who looks like she is on her way back to juvie hall. More rain.

More twins. Okay, these gals are beautiful. I am not into girls at all, but wow. Only one sings and not too well. Too bad. She gets through based on looks alone which is a bummer.

We are next subjected to sob stories and boring stuff from less attractive people. A cute montage of Poor Ryan. Which leads to a montage of people’s day jobs. Boring. Some more folks in the “why bother” category.

A Phoebe from Friends wannabe who works as a singer for old folks. Awww. Bored now. Will be glad when this is over and House comes on. Okay now I am ticked. The Phoebe girl has a great voice but the judges said no. This sucks, especially after seeing a lesser talented gal get through just because she's pin-up material.

A male Cher who insults Simon. Kill me now. Some unwatchable stuff. A clip segment of very young boys, some who have their voice teachers with them. This show gives vocal coaches a bad name.

A little boy with a crew cut and glasses, kind of a junior geek. Good voice, but that darn Josh Groban song again. Am so tired of it. Simon says old folks will like this guy which makes Paula play mother bear.

More and even more bad stuff, really bad, Paula’s acting career bad. Even some costumes. Ugh. What time is it? They give us some editing tricks for our amusement.

A little boy who looks like he’d be Clay’s son (not that it’s a possibility.) Total obnoxious nerd. Stupid gimmick with the guy having to pee… this show gets on my last freakin’ nerve sometimes.

Another clip segment of good people we did NOT get to see. A highlight segment of the best and worst from the audition cities. Oh, I like the song they are playing, “had a bad day” or something like that.

So this round brought us the twin girl who can’t sing, Becky. But she sure is pretty. Next week - 175 semi finalists go to Hollywood. It's gonna get better, right?