The Top Six Sing Love Songs

4/25/06
Ryan is wearing a gorgeous blue tie tonight. So funny how he says Simon is “so old” – ha! He is the same age as My Hubby. Who is sexier than ever and it's just not fair but I digress.

Cue the candlelight, ‘cause the kids will be doing looooove songs tonight. F’real. But first an ode to this week's token celeb, an opera guy, Andrea Bocelli. Celine Dion says that if God sang, His voice would sound like this guy. He seems pretty cool and I like his accent. I am not into opera AT ALL so this segment is zzzzzzzzz. Each contestant is coached this week by Andrea and a producer guy named David something who has a Simon-like seriousness about him.

First up, Katharine. Andrea and David are impressed with her, as they should be. And wow, she is absolutely stunning to look at tonight. Her hair, makeup, and voice are A1 perfection. Not sure about the dress, though. (The Hubby says that Kat has borrowed Paula’s cleavage tonight, and he is thrilled about that.) Even though I don’t particularly like the Whitney Houston song she sings, Kat does it better than Whitney, in my opinion. Judges disagree: “that didn’t come close, baby, sorry,” “there were pitch problems,” “you are a star, you were born to sing,” “by choosing that song… you are saying you are as good as Whitney Houston, and you’re not.” Katharine looks confused, sad, and pissed all at the same thing as she is being b*slapped. She holds it together though, bless her heart.

Wow, Elliott is wearing a wider version of Ryan’s blue tie. It is so cool. He looks better and better each week, I swear. By the time this is over, he will look like Ben Affleck. The producer guy is a complete jerk while coaching Elliott, but he takes it in stride; that is the kind of classy guy he is. I know they are just trying to help, but I am left feeling sick and teary while watching it. Elliott sings a song I have never heard of by a guy I don’t know. But it is so so so good, incredible; he is wonderful. It is evident that this song means a lot to him; he does not miss a note. Judges say: “hated the arrangement… but I love you,” “you were the bomb tonight,” “you move me,” “you celebrate what this competition is all about,” “you ARE an American Idol,” “that was like a vocal master class, it was superb.” Paula is crying, I am crying, Simon is laughing at Paula crying. It is like a Disney movie tonight. God bless you, Elliott.

Kellie has a weird looking hairdo. She makes stupid with Ryan before they show her making even stupider with the producer guy, who is way easier on her than he should be. Even blind Andrea guesses that she is blonde. Tee hee. Now she is singing the LeAnn Rimes version of “Unchained Melody” – or at least she says it's the Rimes version… heh. It could be, but only if LeAnn is the name of her doggie. ‘Cause it's really really bad. Okay, so she hits one high note good but man… (The best version of this song is by “Heart” - no one can belt “oh myyyyyyyyy love, my daaarrrrrlinnnnng” like Ann Wilson, but I digress.) The bless-ed judges treat Kellie oh so delicately though, or else her fans will slash their tires. They say, “you think you butchered this one too right,” “it was very strange,” “I don’t see you raising the bar each week,” “you are adorable,” “it was like the never-ending song,” “no heart, no warmth.” To his dismay, the music is cued before Simon finishes his critique. Kellie does the pouty lip. Awwww. Barf.

Paris is going to sing a Barbra Streisand song older than her mama. Andrea and David adore her and are sweet to her during their time together. She has her best hair ever tonight and looks nice; for the first time ever, she doesn’t look like she’s in a costume. Oh my goodness, she is absolute perfection on this song. Wow, I am so impressed with this little girl. Every single note seems to say… see Pickler, THIS is singing! Judges say, “I wasn’t over the top about it but I liked it,” “you oversang the song a little bit,” “very good vocal, but a little old-fashioned.” Paris is adorable and sweet but seems resigned that she is not going to be this year’s winner. Sometimes I really loathe the judges with the heat of a thousand hells. I stomp through the house using truck driver language under my breath.

I hope Taylor does well tonight. He was my favorite when the show first started, but now he just annoys me. I really want to like him again! The tag team coaches of the week say that they believe Taylor has the most charisma. Heh, whatever. If the definition of charisma is obnoxiousness, then heck yeah. Taylor attempts the song “Just Once” but ugh, he is not delivering it; he does not seem comfortable at all. His voice is all over the place. Judges say, “that was completely the wrong song for you,” “bad karaoke,” “every cell in your body is born to be on that stage performing,” “you looked uptight tonight.” Paula interrupting Simon just goes to show that they are pimping Taylor to the max which is so lame. NEWSFLASH: Just read an interview with Nigel, one of TIIC (The Idiots In Charge... hey, it's a term of endearment! And just because they have more money than God, does not mean that they are smart or fair, just savvy and scheming. So hmmmp!) Anyway, I digress... Nigel revealed that they made Taylor change his song at the very last minute. He was going to do “Try a Little Tenderness” and for some stupid and irrational reason TIIC would not LET him! Can you imagine how awesome Taylor would have ROCKED that song??!! Argh, this show sends me into orbit!!

As you can expect, Chris is told by the coaches that he sings from the “wrong place” and blah blah blah, then they make him lay on the floor. And wow he looks hot doing that. So now he is singing a Bryan Adams song, the one from a Johnny Depp movie I think. It is kind of a boring song but his voice is so sexy, he is so fine, Deanna is the luckiest gal in the entire world. Chris gives his all, as he always does; he is very intense. Judges are running out of time and quickly say, “love the jacket, love you, amazing,” “love you, we all love you, LOVE YOU,” “that was a very very good choice of song, and it was a great performance, very sexy song.” WOW, Simon called Chris sexy, heh. My Kid is LHAO! I want Chris’s CD right now!

General observations…

WTH did Kat do to tick the judges off??? They ripped her to shreds, threw her against the wall and basically beat the crap out of her. I know it’s wrong to hate, but I have an overflowing bucketful of loathing for them right now.

It is so freakin' OBVIOUS that the judges are trying to SHOVE certain contestants down our throats. They nitpicked and dissed the best ones (Paris, Kat) while “sugar wouldn’t melt in their mouth” as my granny used to say, when they were critiquing the worst ones of the night (Pickler, Taylor.) At least they gave good props to Elliott and Chris, who deserved it. But as much as I like Chris, I think they overpraised him. Don't tell The Kid I said that, she will break my kneecaps.

But on a good note... I can relate to Paula's teary reaction to Elliott. I adore him, too; he is a marvelous singer and a great guy. When she said that she looked back at the tapes of the kids when they first started on the show and how far he has come... she did not just mean vocally. He has gone the “duckling to swan” route big time!

I will be so glad when this season is over; it is like crack to me. I can not get enough of it!

4/26/06

As my granny used to say, “we're in the short rows now.” (It's a farming thing.)

Ryan continues his clean shaven and mature bank executive look as he tells us that there were 47 grazillion votes. Wow. I feel a little bit better about my obsession with this show.

Then an unbelievable thing happens... Simon APOLOGIZES to Katharine for cutting her throat last night! And the other two concur. Then Kat's mom stands up and agrees to cancel the hit man she hired. Thank goodness for that because the show would not be the same without these wacky judges!

We are reminded that Andrea Bocelli is a great singer who is blind and his English speaking is not good and that the Foster guy is a jerkwad.

Recapping... Katharine singing well in a yellow dress split all the way up to THERE... oops I don't think she meant to show all that! Paris with Farrah hair and Michael Jackson's Bad jacket, singing great. Wonderful Elliott making Paula squall like a baby. Kellie causing Simon to be so harsh that the music cues and he can't pick Pickler apart. Taylor inspiring a riot between the medicated Paula and the stick-up-his-butt Brit. Chris closing the show and getting love from everybody.

Ryan is still teasing Paula about the crying jag. Give her a break. The same thing happens to me when I get PMS; I cry if the sky is a pretty shade of blue. It may be a menopausal thing.

Andrea sings beautifully but I am not into this kind of music. So during this, The Kid and I pass the time by arguing for the zillionth time that she does not need a cell phone at the ripe young age of 13. Nosiree. I tell her that when she gets her driver's license she can have one.

The Ford faux-mercial is the very best ever with cute little puppies! Loved it!

Then we start predicting who we think is going to go home tonight. I say Paris and she says Kellie. I say, what-EV, Pickler ain't going home and I am willing to BET her that I am right. I tell My Kid and I quote: “If Kellie is voted off tonight, then I promise you that I will buy you a cell phone tomorrow.” We shake on it, and I smirk confidently to myself.

Now it's time to divide the kids into twos. Katharine starts a group, then Elliott, then Kellie. Paris joins Kellie, Taylor joins Elliott, and Chris joins Kat. Taylor and Elliott sit down right away. YAY!! Then Ryan reveals that Kat and Chris were the TOP 2. Bottom 2 is Kellie and Paris. (And what was the deal with them standing miles apart? Did someone's Sure get a little doubtful? Just askin'.)

Hell just froze over. Kellie is going home. And I have to buy The Kid a cell phone! She is so excited, running through the house like the crazy young'en she is, thanking Kellie for sucking last night and getting the boot, and therefore getting her a cell phone. I feel very strange and so so glad that I do not do Vegas, 'cause I suck at this betting stuff.

Kellie's “had a bad day” video montage reminds us all that she is part Dolly with a mix of Jessica Simpson and a dash of Elly May. In spite of everything, all of us should be proud of her for how far she's come. And her grandpa and little brother are adorable. But... thank God they run out of time before she digs up “Unchained Melody” and kills it again.

It's all good, as Kellie has a long and wonderful career ahead of her at Dollywood. And I mean that sincerely and in a good way.

General observations…

I am a happy-go-lucky person at heart and not into the conspiracy theory stuff at all. BUT! I smell a rat with this whole Kat-bashing thing. Either the judges did it on purpose to lure viewers to give her the sympathy vote... or they really meant what they said but when they found out Kat was in the freakin' Top 2!!! they knew they would look like complete morons!!! so they decided to go ahead and eat their crow warm instead of cold. Either way, it worked... Kat is safe. I just hope that the Ghost Whisperer gal got that yellow dress back.

P.S. After reading Kellie's exit interviews, I like her again. Go figure!!

Feeding My Idol Addiction

Just to feed my addiction, I have been watching online videos on the AI website. Yeah, I need a life.

Observations from watching these online videos ...

Simon has a keen sense of humor but does not seem to like being interviewed; he comes across as impatient in a “I don't have time for this” kinda way.

Paula is just as incoherent as she is on the show and even interrupts the interviewer like she does Simon. Heh.

Kellie is not nearly as repulsive in the videos as she is on stage; she is quite adorable actually.

Kat is rather aloof and seems stuck-up and full of herself. Well, if I looked like her and had her talent, I would love myself overly too. Just sayin'.

Ace has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen on a male human.

Taylor has an awesome and very spontaneous sense of humor.

Brenna was a hoot and a cut-up; wish she had brought more of that to the stage.

There is not a lot of Chris in the behind the scenes videos – he is usually either on the phone or on his laptop. More proof that he is classy and not a camera hog.

Elliott is the most adorable and lovable human EVER.

Mandisa is the most sophisticated and articulate contestant ever on the show. She has a warm personality and a great sense of humor. Forever my favorite!

Bucky is very unpretentious – what you see if what you get. He does not put on airs or try to change himself; I like that!

Both Lisa and Paris are delightful. Lisa seems more mature but that may be because of Paris’s little-baby-girl speaking voice.

Ace and Chris met during the Denver audition and have been friends ever since. Cool.

Ty Treadway, host of AI Extra, is a very good interviewer. Much better at this than as Dr. Troy/Colin on One Life to Live.

Eeeek… the only thing worse than Mikalah Gordon is a BLONDE Mikalah Gordon. Yikes!

An interesting theory as to why Mandisa was eliminated during country week… a lot of the R&B fans do not tune in on country week, ergo they did not vote. Supporting this theory is the fact that Elliott and Paris were also in the Bottom 3, and country is not their best genre either.

The Idol Tonight preshow just annoys me. Kimberly Caldwell is loud and obnoxious; I’m glad I didn’t watch AI when she was a contestant. I don’t know the other girl, but she is pretty – she looks like Eva what's-her-name on Desperate Housewives, but with a less Pantene hairdo.

The Jaded Journalist is better at writing than at interviewing. Painful.

I wonder if a 12-step program is available to help me deal with my Idol Addiction?

The Lucky Seven Take on the Classics

4/18/06
Tonight should be a good one, since the kids are going to be doing standards, a.k.a. old stuff. Most of them will be in their element tonight.

Ryan looks dapper as usual, but he seems somewhat bored as he introduces the judges. It’s like – for all you folks who have lived in a cave for the past five years… It’s getting so old with the booing of Simon; hellllooo Romper Room. And Paula “my body’s too bootylicious for ya babe”, wow girl. Set them free!

So it’s like this… Rod Stewart, known for several decades now as a rocker dude, has released a series of albums (CDs, for those of you born after 1985) that consists of standards, called the Great American Songbook. Interesting, him being a Brit and all. Hmm. Oh well. At any rate, he is the Coach of the Week.

He seems to be very personable, this Rod Stewart. And wow, at age 105, he has a new baby! Is that a record? Cute little fella for sure. (The baby, not Rod.) His name is Alistair, which is British for “he who receives many wedgies.” And the new fiancée is the clone of that other gal he was married to a while back. Cliché much?

Barry, I mean Kenny, wait... ROD finds something good to say about each contestant, which is cool and usual. (As opposed to our other cruel and unusual Brit.)

Up first is Chris, looking hotter than blazes in a Cartwright brothers wedding outfit. He sings “What a Wonderful World” which I think was used in the Urkel sitcom? Chris proves once again, for the last two hard-headed doubters out there, that he can forever and without a doubt, SING. He has a fantastic voice; I could listen to him all day. My daughter calls from her grandma’s house to make sure I saw her Man. We sigh and giggle; it is so much fun being a girl. Judges agree that he is mega hot and he can croon it with the best of ‘em. Chris’s adorable wife is in the audience. The radio station I listen to calls her on the phone all the time; they are like Deanna stalkers. At any rate, Chris – dude, peace out!

Paris looks like she is ready to seat folks on an airplane. Wow, that is a bright color. She is very pretty tonight and the latest hairdo makes her look 25 instead of 17. She is absolutely fantastic on the song she is doing; I have never heard it but it’s something about foolishness. Not the Jewel “foolish” song but an old old one. The Paris that I adored way back in the audition is here tonight, y’all. She has never sounded better; every note is absolute perfection. I can not wait to download this from rickey and listen to it over and over. And I don’t even prefer this type of “this is what elevator music is made of” genre. Judges agree that she is a baby doll and can sing her heiney off. Paris, I am re-fanned!

Ryan teases Taylor about the SNL parody, but the silver fox is fine with it because “flattery is a great form of humor.” Heh. Okay so then Taylor sings the phrase “You Send Me,” like 18 times and then finally! We wake up to see him spazzing out. Thank goodness. He wraps the song in a blanket and takes it out to the park. Yay baybee yeah. As my granny would have said, “that boy's rurnt” - which is southern-speak meaning he is crazy. The judges think that he is tore up from the floor up but in a good way. Even Simon is feeling some luv for him. Wow, I did not see the newsflash that hell had frozen over. Taylor, you send me. (To the fridge, but I digress.)

My darling Mr. Tumnus, sweet Elliott is up next, looking snazzy in purple. He is so adorable with Rod, who loves him, as he should. So in his element with “It Had to Be You,” a song he sings with absolute perfection. You can tell that he is more comfortable with this genre of music; he is very natural on stage. The judges agree that he is the nicest person that they have ever met, and that he sings good. Except for Simon who says he lacks personality. Oh Simon, you would not know personality if it came up and bit you on your asterisk! Man, he ticks me off with the swiftness sometimes. Elliott doesn’t care, he knows that he is wonderful.

The Fakeler (my nickname for Kellie) is looking lovely tonight, gotta give her props for that much. She is singing some song about witchcraft or something I think, who knows. She is so howling dog bad that a vessel popped in my brain. Ouch, my ears say. Why are you doing this to us, my dogs seem to say as they look at the TV and then look at me, like it’s my fault that this chick is still in the contest. Hey, I didn’t vote for her. Can't they use her over on that Wynonna talent show?? The judges are way too gentle with Kellie, and she does the little pout and dismay over how she butchered it, and I need a throw up bucket. Somebody please do a St. Anthony's for this girl’s missing brain.

For no particular reason, Ace is disguised as Steven Seagal tonight. He looks really nice in the suit but geez Louise the hairdo… yikes. Exxon called, they want their oil spill back. He sings some song I have never heard before and he actually sounds okay. I just can’t look directly at him, it makes my head hurt. Poor guy, bless his heart. What has this show turned him into? “Hi, I’m Ace; I’ll be your waiter this evening…” Judges don’t mind his singing and they are ready to take their order. Thank goodness Ace assures Ryan and the entire world that he did NOT cut his hair! It’s just up in a bun, okay? Pulp Fiction style. Ace's reaction to praise from Simon is so endearing. Awww.

Everyone and their pet turtle knows that Katharine is going to bring the house down tonight. She is going to shine like the bright star she is, no question. She sings a song that I remember Linda Ronstadt doing, “Someone to Watch Over Me,” and she is magnificent and wonderful and lovely. The movie of the same title, neh not as good, but that’s okay. I digress, because I like to wander off sometimes. Tee hee. I sure do wish that the stylist(s) working with Kat liked her better than they do, because geez. Even though she is pretty as a doll, she could look even better with the right hairdo and outfit. Why is Fakeler getting all the love from the stylists?? Judges love Kat anyway so there! The camera loves her too, and it can not find a bad shot of her no matter what.

For me, it’s a 3-way tie between Elliott, Paris, and Kat for best performance tonight. If there is any justice in this world, Kellie will go home tomorrow, but we all know that ain’t gonna happen. Gosh darn golly gee. Most likely it will be Ace. And just to make the entire world gasp, I predict that either Chris or Taylor will be in the bottom three.

General observations...

Why do some of the audience members act like Goobers?? Oh... that's right. They're Kellie fans.

Simon was uncharacteristically kind tonight. What is up with that?

Paula needs to STHU. She also needs to talk to her hairdresser about those bangs. Arf.

It would be great if the kids sounded as good during the live performances on stage as they do in the videos with the Coach of the Week. They rock those out every time.

4/19/06

It's time for one of the seven to be not so lucky. Recaps show that everyone did an un-freakin-believably good job last night except for Pickler.

Rod Stewart is up here in the house tonight, y’all. With his galfriend Penny/Rachel in the audience. And Ryan shaved, yay. He looks 12 again, so I feel pervy for thinking he’s a cutie pie. So when will Teri be in the audience, mewonders?

The Ford folks are moving from cheesy to coolio with their ad this week – the moving billboards? Sweeeet. Rod sings a boring song (one that poor lil' crooner Radford tried to do and failed) while I go get a slice of pecan pie and chocolate milk. Not a good combo by the way. But I digress…

After everyone wakes up, it’s elimination time. Ryan is putting the kids in groups of 3, and since 7 is not divisible by 3, we have an odd man out.

First group is Elliott, Kellie, and Katharine. Second is Chris, Paris, and Ace. Hmmmm. This should be a no-brainer but I feel a trick coming on. Taylor is the leftover.

And now, since the square root of dumbass-ploys-on-a-TV-show is American Idol… Ryan asks Taylor to join the group that he thinks is safe. Taylor shakes Chris’s hand, and then… goes to join the other group. And yep… he’s right. Bottom 3 is Chris, Paris, and Ace … with Ace leaving.

At least Ace has his lovely mane back, and aren’t we so glad? (that was my sarcastic voice.) There is no one who is going to love him like he loves him. Just that kind of guy. I am not worried about Ace, he will do just fine with his super hot looks. And as long as he has his ego, he will never be alone. Yeah, MEOW!

General observations...

Why does Katharine look so much better on results night than on performance night? Conspiracy anyone?

Maybe it was Catty comment- Ryan: “Your votes decided the outcome. Did you follow your instincts? Or did you listen to these three?”

The Great Eight Tackle Queen

4/11/06
AI presents… the music of Queen. Yep, it’s so. As far as I’m concerned, Queen ceased to exist when Freddie died… but at any rate… “here they are... born to be kings... they're the princes of the universe.” (To parapharase.)

Ryan still has a little stubbly going on, but it’s overshadowed (pardon the pun) by the absent-minded-professor vest that he’s wearing with his suit.

First, an overview of how long ago Queen was formed, and survey says! - it was before any of these contestants were born. Then the kids get to meet the elderly rockers. A short clip is shown from each one’s session with Queen.

First up, Bucky on the most hated song ever… “Fat Bottomed Girls.” I dare anyone to make a Mandisa joke… go ahead… I am in the mood to maim… (Thank goodness none are made because I can’t afford to take off work to go to Ho’wood and kick someone’s fat bottom!) Even though I hate this song, Bucky sounds the best I remember and he owns the stage. He is looking good too; I like the hair down. Judges are for the most part like, hey good job. Except for Simon who says it was mediocre. During Ryan banter, poor Bucky says that Freddie was not someone that you can jump up behind. Oh, naïve Bucky. Sigh.

Now it’s Lassie, who just found out that Timmy’s down the well. No wait… it’s Ace. He is not happy with having to do a Queen song, especially when the band does not want to do “his” version of “We Will Rock You.” It's weird, for the first time, I am not absolutely loathing his voice. Wow. And the leather pants… yowsa! Then he goes and ruins it with the mic stand shenanigans. Judges do not like his performance at all, and Simon makes a funny, “it was We Will Rock You Gently.” But Ace is like, so who cares what you guys think. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.” Hmmmp.

What did Pickler pick? Why, it’s the song that Constantine rocked out on last year, “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Ryan says it’s the most popular song of all time; okaaay. Well, I see that Lady Heather is standing in for Kellie tonight. Between the dominatrix boots and the rumored $300 haircut, she should look good and according to The Hubby, she does. But I absolutely loathe everything about her performance, from the sing-out to Simon, the down-on-my-knees thing, the stomping down the stairs, and most especially her voice which is weaker than cat pee. Judges love her of course because they have been passing the freakin' weed around. Bubba, whut??

So if Chris doesn’t do well tonight then we will wake to the sound of the Four Horsemen. He is doing an “obscure” song that has never been done live. Or is that never been done by Live? Who knows, who cares. Have never heard this song before, but he is awesome and looking finer than the law should allow a happily married man to look. It is just not fair for him to look this good. His wife is a lucky human. Good looks aside, he has an amazing rock voice. And did I mention he is fine? Judges rave over him, except Simon says Chris was indulgent. Up yours Simon. Now that Mandisa is gone, Chris is the classiest contestant remaining.

In our household, we are all in agreement that Katharine is the most beautiful female creature God ever made. She should be making movies right now. And okay, I have to take back all aforementioned jabs at her mom, because she is looking very normal and happy tonight. Kat sings the song from the Highlander movie. It is kinda boring and something about Kat reminds me of Emily on GH, which is so icky because of the whole disgusting Sonny storyline, but I digress and the song is finally over. Whew. Judges liked her voice, as they should. Simon says it was “almost” the moment. Kat is sweet saying “Hi” to her parents, but what is up with the Dynasty outfit?

Before Elliott sings, he talks to Ryan about when he used to be a DJ. Hey, Ryan got a star on Ho’wood for that. Elliott is his usual humble, honest, everyday-guy self. He does an excellent job on “Somebody to Love”; the way he takes any song and puts his own soulful spin on it, is just so great. Listening to this song, I am hoping that he does have somebody special, and if I were not old enough to be his great great great granny, then hey – but then again ... no. I glance at The Hubby beside of me and know that I have found my somebody. I know right?- Awwww. Judges adore Elliott, as they rightfully should. Elliott, my man, no more spinning records for you.

Taylor was going to do “We Are the Champions” but decided to do “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” Yeah, the same song that Radford massacred a few weeks back. Taylor is back y’all! He is all over the place – moving, grooving. The “get back evil mic stand! no, I mean it - get back!” bit is a little over the top but funnnny. His voice is good on this song, especially at the end when he takes it all the way home and parks it. Judges mostly like it and are glad the wild man is back, except Simon asks him if he is drunk. Ryan is like, helllooo, “pot this is the kettle”…Taylor doesn’t care, he is working that camera, hamming it up. What a hoot.

So this week Paris is shopping at the same S&M shop as Kellie, I guess. She looks like Gary Coleman in drag. Any minute now she is going to look right into the camera and say “Whatcha talkin' 'bout Willis?” My Kid is mad at me when I say this and I get a dirty look and the “Mooooom” scolding and the lecture on being nice, blah blah. Paris has an excellent voice and she sounds good on the “Show Must Go On.” Only someone very young would even attempt to dance in those boots. Judges give her props, except Simon who says he found it weird. Well duh. Paris still reminds me of a little girl playing dress up... which in a way she is just that.

Now wait a minute… is that Fantasia in the audience sitting behind the judges? The Kid says it’s not, because there is no caption with her name. The Hubby says that it most definitely is her. Hmmm. [After rewinding the DVR, we find out that Ms. B was indeed captioned at the very beginning of the show.]

All in all, the kids did well this week. Except Kellie, but alas, she will be with us until the very end. Urgh. Argh. I swear if she wins this thing, I will break some windows and riot in the street with picket signs. If only in my mind…

4/12/06

First things first... we must endure the insipid Judges vs. Ryan, round 77. Paula's sniffing glue or something, Simon has his panties in a wad, and Randy seems appalled to be at the same table with them. Ryan tells Simon that he is the grumpiest millionaire, like ever. Simon says that is why 30 crazillion people tune in each week. So hmmmp.

Recapping... meeting Queen to the beat of the We Will Rock You guitar riff. Elliott needs somebody to love, Ace will rock you, Chris keeps on trying (or something), Bucky loves the big'ns, Kellie goes all Lita Ford, Katharine wants to live forever, Taylor is crazy with the mic stand, and Paris borrowed one of Prince's outfits.

An AI5 Word Problem: 60 minutes minus One elimination minus 37 minutes commercials = how much filler?? The answer is part great, part good/weird, and part WTH???

The good/weird - the group medley of Queen songs sounded really good... but why the heck did they scale the picture down to just a little box on the bottom left of the screen? (Our theory is that maybe the choreography was not up to par and they wanted to show as little of the kids on stage as possible.) Who knows why TIIC do what they do?

Filling most of the screen is highlights of the season so far... it's only been a couple of months, geez. I don't think our attention spans are that limited, are they? I could wait for the Best and Worst of Season 5 on DVD.

It's clever though, how the clips play out... A Kind of Magic shows clips of those who got their golden tickets to Ho’wood. Footage of the Lil Kim wannabe are set to Killer Queen. Under Pressure recaps the kids as they await top 24 news. Reminding us how much we miss some of these... Don't Stop Me Now shows lots of laughing and cutting up. Then it gets catty with Another One Bites the Dust, showing the exits of some of our favorites and some not. Lots of hugs accompany You're My Best Friend. We Are the Champions show goofing around and outtakes.

The latest Ford video shows the kids playing mini-golf in the most dorkified outfits ever. This leads to much mocking from Ryan: “Who picked out the wardrobe for that shoot? Ace, did somebody blindfold you?” Ace: “Oh, no, no, no. I went out on a limb; that was the first time I've ever worn pink, actually.” Ryan: “I've done it many times, and I'm still alive.” Classic!

Ryan forces each one to reveal what they miss about home... mostly it's food except for diabetic Elliott who misses his family. Which leads to the great part of the show - the video clips of family members sending out kudos to their contestant. Man, I was teary-eyed throughout and when Elliott cried, I lost it. Just sentimental that way.

More detailed footage is shown for each contestant... Taylor's band members talk about his goldfish. More on Kat's parents, watching old videos of beautiful Kat as a little girl. Chris's brother joins his parents in their ode to the gorgeous bald one. Watching Kellie's grandpa and little brother would melt the coldest of hearts, even though she ruins it with the whole snot rag incident. Thanks for the Happy Bunny moment, Pickler.

Elliott's mom and friends talk about his childhood illnesses, and how Elliott is the most adorable human in the entire world. The Young family is in the Rockies talking about how hot Ace looks tonight in the sleeveless shirt. Oh wait, that was me, sorry. Wow, what a great looking family. Bucky's dad talks about the race track for some reason, and how everyone in Richmond County is tickled to death. Paris's grandma, mom, and friends talk about their sweetheart, who cries while watching.

Now for The WTH??? - each one of the Bottom 3 had to sing. How. Freakin'. Lame. And painful. As TobyMac says “It's like a freak show in your neighborhood.”

So bottom 3 consists of Elliott, Ace, and Bucky. Everyone seems pretty calm except Ace. He is scaring me; I am expecting a Lestat moment any time now.

I get the Kleenex just in case it's Elliott, and the wooden cross in case it's Ace... but it is Bucky that leaves. Too bad, because he did well with that disgusting fat butt song.

His “bad day” video highlights remind us how wonderful, sweet and goofy he is. Bucky says... “It's been real; it's been fun; it's been real fun.” 'Bye sweet Rockingham boy... we will miss you.

The Divine Nine Go Country

4/4/06
Ryan has got some manly stubble going on tonight. I usually like the stubbly look but on Ryan it’s just ewww. Is he trying to be a grown-up boy??

It’s Country night, y’all. The Gambler himself, Kenny Rogers, is coaching the contestants with their songs tonight. I have liked Kenny ever since his “Ruby” days; he is a good choice of legends to have on this show.

First up, Taylor does the old country roads John Denver song and I ain’t feeling him on this. Even to my untrained ear, it sounds like he is straining and some of the notes are causing my dogs to be in pain. At least he looks less pimp-like and more stylish tonight. Judges say, “it’s just okay,” “didn’t allow you to shine,” “safe, lazy, boring,” “like you chose that song 10 minutes ago.” Taylor is back to his old infectious self when he guffaws at Ryan’s teasing of Simon.

Now it is my girl Mandisa, looking gorgeous and kicking it with a Shania song. Much as I love my girl, I am thinking that Shania is a line that no one should cross. Her voice is amazing as always, but she doesn’t seem to connect with the hokey lyrics of “Any Man of Mine.” I am so impressed with how comfortable she is in her own skin. Judges say, “the last four bars you got it together,” “you could sing the phone book, you could sing the encyclopedia, your voice is amazing,” “I thought the song was horrible.” Mandisa, bless her heart, tries to curtail Ryan’s intervention on her behalf. Absolutely, the classiest contestant to ever hit the AI stage.

I am worried about Elliott, as he is so out of his element with this country stuff. He is shaky on a boring old song by Garth Brooks (or as I call Barf Brooks, cuz I don’t like him, tee hee.) Not sure what the stylists are doing with Elliott, but he is looking better and better each week. I take back all the previous neglys that I have said about them. Judges say, “that was hot,” “I loved that,” “a breath of fresh air,” “humble, understated,” “it was safe, hesitant.” Elliott rocks my world, what more can I say?

The thing that I remember most about the song that Paris is doing – “How Do I Live” – is the Yearwood/Rimes battle over it. Keeping with “the costume must match the theme” tradition, Paris is wearing a country-western type outfit, and hairstyle number 108 is the best ever. Her singing is okay, but she is out of her element. Judges are mixed, “it was just awright for me,” “didn’t feel like you connected to the song,” “excellent choice of song,” “reminded me of early Dionne Warwick.” (I am hoping he is not referring to the psychic thing.) Paris smiles widely while enduring more of what passes for humor in the Ryan-world.

Ace is singing some song I have never heard of by a guy named Keith Urban. Even I have heard of Keith, since he is/was allegedly dating Nicole Kidman. I am trying to concentrate on anything except the sound of Ace’s voice because as hard as I try, I just do not like it. He is pretty to look at. Period. Judges say, “it was really boring for me,” “contemporary nice take on the song,” “I think you had a good night tonight.” So one question… why did Ryan do the shout out to the ladies about Ace being single? Like, what, he’s registered with eharmony now? Geesh.
Before Kellie sings, she is forced to explain why her complete dumbassness is NOT an act, y’all. That’s right! It’s not! So hmmmp! She looks pretty in red while singing the Reba song “Fancy” and does okay if you like that whining stuff. I used to love Reba, back in the days when she was Reba McEntire, CMA award winning Entertainer of the Year. I do not understand why anyone would sing a song like this in front of 40 brazillion people; it’s about a skanky mom pushing her teenage kid into prostitution for pete’s sake. Ugh. Judges say, “in your element,” “this is your night baby,” “I hated the song personally but your performance was good.” As hokey as the corn-poning act was, Kellie is certainly less interesting since she toned it down.

This is Chris’s chance to prove that he can do more than the rocker stuff. His voice is a little shaky on another Keith Urban song that I have never heard before, but he brings it home. Sorry, but when Chris hit the “bad outlaw” lyric, The Kid and I both went “whooooooooo.” He is almost as super-delicious-fine as Keith (who looks like Sawyer on Lost who I also love, but I digress.) Judges say, “I really enjoyed it,” “you show versatility and still stayed true to who you are, what a concept,” “it was great to see a different side of you.” It’s kind of weird seeing Chris and Ryan stand beside of each other, in almost matching stubble. The Bonnie Raitt song “Real Man” comes to mind, wonder why? Hmmm.

Here comes Katharine on a Faith Hill song, something about Elvis, not sure. Just when you think Kat can’t possibly get any more beautiful, there she is. Even in blue jeans that were caught in a weed-eater, she looks great. Better yet, she commands the stage and does not miss a note. Ironically, one of the girl stars of The O.C. is in the audience tonight, and she can’t hold a candle to the Kitty Kat. Judges say, “kind of a bluesy country, good job,” “you look sexy, hot, and cool,” “that song is just so peculiar.” Gotta love Kat for putting Simon in his place and getting him to admit that he just doesn’t like country music.

Last but not least is Bucky, the lovable country bumpkin who is doing a slow ballad that sounds somewhat familiar. It has a lovely melody but I was really hoping that Bucky would rock out on some Travis Tritt or something. I really like this sweet guy and want to like his singing but he seems to be all over the place with this song. Judges say, “good to see you in your element,” “wear that hat proud,” “it sounded okay to me.” Bucky could not be more adorable if he tried.

General observations…

Catty Comment Award - Ryan to the judges: “What are you guys sipping tonight? What’s in the cup?” and later … “Someone at the table has a flask, I just know it.”

Giving Truth to the Rumors? Award - Simon: “Ryan, with all due respect, I’m not the one trying to look like someone out of Desperate Housewives.”

It is so funny when Paula does the fake zzzzz’s when Randy starts name-dropping.

Since I am about the same age as Paula, I can relate to the hormonal thing she’s got going on. It is so obvious that she is in total lust-mode while critiquing the hotties on the show. What a hoot!

4/5/06

So Jean-Claude Van Ryan is still sporting stubble and it’s still icky. He does not give the “man in love with Teri Hatcher” vibe.

Simon is wearing a sexy low cut shirt that is very distracting to me, since I think he is so fine. Too bad he and Ryan must do the “I wish I knew how to quit you” routine week after every freakin’ week. Pathetic much?

Recapping country week… Kellie is fancying, Bucky’s not so bad, Chris being here for you baby, Ace never being the kind to let his feelings show, Paris can’t live without you, Katharine getting her Elvis on, Mandisa’s shout out to her man, Elliott wondering if tomorrow will come, and Taylor taking country roads home.

Kenny Rogers attempts to sing a new song, bless his heart, but the audio is very off during his performance. The banter with Simon is worth the price of admission. I really like the early 70s Kenny, before he went all mainstream. He still and always looks like Santa, though.

Hey, Travis Tritt is in the audience! If I were going to listen to country again, I would buy his CDs. I used to sing one of his songs to my daughter when she was a baby. But I digress…

So is it me, or do the Ford faux-mercials get cheesier each week? This one is set in a garage and it’s a total take on that MTV show. It’s actually funny seeing some of these guys dressed like mechanics, because… well, you know. Heh. Once again, the camera loves Kat and Ace the best.

“Pick On Pickler” week continues as Ryan completely disses her in front of 40 trizillion people and it oh-so perfectly goes over her pretty blonde head. Methinks the writers are not in the Kellie Fan Club anymore?

Next week, the music of Queen. Yeah, I know, I thought April Fool’s was over, too. But... they are for real, dawgs.

For elimination time, Ryan is changing it up a little by dividing the nine into 3 groups of 3. Awww, a mathematical word problem. (If 3 contestants totally blew, 3 were so-so, and 3 are totally untouchable, which will be the Bottom 3?)

It goes like this… first group is Ace, Kat, Bucky.

Second is Mandisa, Elliott, Paris.

Third is Taylor, Kellie, Chris.

Well duh the 3rd group sits down like right away.

The 1st group sits down next. Do what Bubba??

This means that one of these is leaving… Mandisa (oh no!) Elliott (oh my gosh no!) Paris (well okay, she has a prom to go to.)

Paris is safe, Elliott is safe… Mandisa is going home. You can hear a pin drop all over America tonight. NOOOOOOOO!

My daughter tries to comfort me as I sob uncontrollably. She says it’s just a TV show and now Mandisa can go and make an extraordinary Contemporary Christian CD. We will hear her on K-LOVE, that is her element and she can get back to her ministry now. Her work on AI5 is done.

I am not consoled. But I will be first in line at Family Christian Store to buy your music, Mandisa. You will always be my favorite.