The Road so Far…

Photo: campbellphoto.us

We’ve been through eight audition cities in seven episodes so far and we’ve seen less than half of the 147 singers who made it to Hollywood. Have there been any true standouts?

I’m one of AI’s biggest fans, and I have been disappointed with what we have seen so far. As always The Idiots In Charge have chosen to slice/dice/edit the footage in ways that will bring the ka-ching, not show us who can sing.

Below is a review of the auditioners we saw make it through.

My Favorite:
Ann Marie Boskovich, the Kara fan who was told to come back as “herself.” She sang “Bubbly” better than Colbie Caillat.

My Kid’s Favorite:
Alex Thugman, he of the moldy closet; she adores nerds, likes his voice and how he snarked off to Simon.

My Hubby’s Favorite:
Von Smith, he sang “Over the Rainbow;” I thought he was over-the-top but hubby thought he was awesome.

Best Backstories:
Danny Gokey, the recent widower
Kai Kalama, the guy who takes care of his mom
Lenesha Young, the former homeless songwriter
Rose Flack, the bohemian orphan
Scott MacIntyre, the blind pianist

Nice People with Kids:
Alexis Grace, blonde mom of daughter Ryan
Asa Barnes, band director with the little girl
Frankie Jordan, the new mom who sang Amy Winehouse
Jesus Valenzula, his kids got him through on pity vote
Lil Rounds, tornado surviving mom of three
Matt Breitzke, bald family man welder
Meghan Corkrey, the mom with the tattooed arm
Michael Sarver, oil rig worker

Teenagers on a Mission:
Arianna Afsar, “Adopt a Grand-friend”
Austin Sisneros, president of his senior class
Cody Sheldon, maker of horror movies
Jasmine Murray, this year’s Janay/Paris
Monique Torres, the teen girl with the little brother
Stevie Wright, the one that Simon says is “too nice”
Taylor Vafifanua, tall teen a’la Jordin Sparks

Style Over Substance:
Ashley Anderson, the Simon suck up
Casey Carlson, the Mandy Moore look-a-like
Jorge Nunez, the cute Puerto Rican guy
Julissa Veloz, beauty queen Tyra look-a-like
Sharon Wilbur, pretty girl with the shih tzu

Most Original:
Anoop Desai, from UNC, looks like Kumar
Deanna Brown, blonde southerner with a very unique voice
Emily Wynne-Hughes, tattooed, multi-pierced rocker
Jessica Furney, Lisa Loeb type folksy girl

Already in the Biz:
Adam Lambert, the guy from the play Wicked
Brent Keith, was on Nashville Star
David Osmond, of the famous family, has been battling MS
Jackie Tohn, husky-voiced musician
Joanna Pacitti, this year’s Carly
Matt Giraud, the dueling piano player

We Only Caught a Glance:
Allison Iraheta, bellowed “Natural Woman”
Ashley Hollister, sang “Baby It’s You”
Felicia Barton, sang “Put Your Records On” very well
Jarrett Burns, did “Put Your Records On” over-the-top
John Twiford, we saw a snippet of “Overjoyed”
Kendall Beard, retro-looking blonde, sang a country song
Kenny Hoffpauer, the cute teen boy who sang “I’m Yours”
Kris Allen, did Elliott Yamin’s song
Raquel Houghton, sang “Son of a Preacher Man”
Ryan Johnson, pre-makeover David Cook
Shera Lawrence, baby-faced gal

Cannon Fodder:
India Morrison, the rapping sister (Asia did not make it)
Jamar Rogers, theatrical kewpie doll
J.B. Ahfua, did okay on the Ruben song
Joshua Ulloa, Justin Guarini look-a-like
Melinda Camile, “dancing naked”
Michael Castro, Jason’s little brother
Patricia Roman, Puerto Rico’s answer to Whitney Houston
T.K. Hash, sang “Imagine” with runs

Waste of Golden Tickets:
Brianna Quijada, great personality, not great singer
Dennis Brigham, the guy who dreamed about Simon
Katrina Darrell, bikini girl
Norman the Clown, the stupid wannabe comic
Tatiana del Toro, the one with the crazy laugh

Well, that’s it. Or actually, I should say That’s it??? I really don’t see a Kelly or Cook here…

Nigel! Please come back, we need you!

American Idol from New York City and San Juan – It’s Like “West Side Story” on Acid

As we used to say back in my tobacco farming days, “We’re in the short rows now.” Thank goodness the initial audition phase is almost over. The last two locations are shown together tonight – New York and San Juan.

Voiceover Ryan says it’s a tale of two cities tonight, from The Big Apple to The Walled City. One metropolis, one land of enchantment. One has thousands of auditioners and the other only hundreds.

Instead of showing first one location and then the other, the auditions are sliced together just to confuse us. You can tell from the backdrop where they are – the river for New York and palm trees for San Juan.

First up in NY is a cute little gal named Adeola who has already quit her day job because she just knows she’s going to Hollywood. We have been down this road before and it usually doesn’t end well. She sings the “I’m-not-going” song that put Jennifer Hudson on the map and it’s bad. Just like the last time this happened, Simon makes a call to the boss to get the disillusioned girl her job back.

The judges are dressed more colorfully and cheerfully in San Juan. Well, three out of four are anyway. The first auditioner we see is handsome, energetic Jorge. He sings “My Way” in Spanish and a few lines of “What a Wonderful World” in English. Simon is not concerned that Jorge sings with an accent because that is why they are in Puerto Rico, duh. Jorge is going to Hollywood.

Jessika has brought her fan club from the previous 700 contests she’s been in before. They show a picture of her as a toddler and My Kid says she looks like Boo from Monsters, Inc. Jessika is cute but no one should hold up their own sign and cheer for themselves. She breaks cardinal rule numero uno by auditioning with a Celine song. Although she’s not nearly as bad as the judges claim, she acts like a teenager arguing with her parents. No car keys for you.

The Linda Ronstadt classic “You’re No Good” plays in the background as Jessika as well as several others argue to the camera that the judges are stupid, wrong, lame, and they won’t let us stay up late. Hmmph!

Back in NY we spend a whole lot of time talking to Melinda who has a beautiful face but no shoes, almost no hair and almost no dress. When she talks about dancing naked we all throw up a little. Foreshadowing a train wreck here. Melinda has a surprisingly good voice and impresses the judges. Kara calls her a “vitamin boost” and My Kid says that the chick’s boobs could use a boost, too. Melinda is going to (Fredericks of) Hollywood.

Manhattan is a party haven and we get to see Ryan dance with a guy in a Nikki Sixx costume. This is one of those awesome moments that keeps me fanatic enough about this show to actually blog about it.

Jackie tells us that she is a seasoned pro already and has done nothing but entertain people her entire life. She sings “I’m Yours” the way that Stevie Nicks would sing it after smoking a carton of cigarettes. It’s kinda rough but Simon wants to hear more. Jackie sings a different song and sounds better. Suddenly, God intervenes by blowing enough wind to make the sunshade behind the judges fall down. Consider this a sign, y’all. They vote Jackie through to the next round and encourage her to be herself.

Just a rant if I may because I am still in recovery/isolation from my illness this week. The “Coming Up” segments really annoy me; they totally ruin the suspense. Thank goodness for DVR because I can fast forward through the parts of the show that I don’t want to see yet. For example, we have already seen that window fall on the previews, like 873 times. Bugs me. (End rant.)

Back to San Juan and they have let folks out of the nervous hospital to come audition for American Idol. Chatter on the ‘net says that not a lot of people showed up in Puerto Rico so maybe that was their only option. At least I get to hear the Chris Isaak song that I love while all this craziness ensues. “Nobody loves no one” indeed.

A self-proclaimed Crazy Rocker sing/screams at street vendors while playing his guitar. My Kid thinks this is hilarious and that he is so cute. Kids today! When Joel comes before the judges as GuyPod, they are not impressed. He can’t sing so maybe he will now go audition for the Spanish version of Jackass.

In NY, our Last Comic Standing wannabe is Norman and his shiny disco shirt. Simon is actually ready to rip the guy a new one because this is NOT the show created by Jay Mohr. It’s a singing competition, dude. Norman pretends to be serious on the Dreamgirls song. The other three judges inexplicably let him through after he sings “Amazing Grace.” Oh well, that song worked for Kristy Lee Cook last year.

We are still groaning over Norman’s waste of a plane ticket to the left coast and almost miss the next batch of good singers who made it through. It would have been nice to see more of lovely Ashley, teen heartthrob Kenny and gorgeous Kendall. (Speaking of Kendall, I’ll be so glad when she wakes up from her coma on All My Children. Yes, I’ve been stranded at home too long.)

So many commercials, so many previews, so little DVR space left. My Kid and I can not WAIT for the new show from Joss Whedon to start!! FOX, please give Dollhouse more than five minutes before canceling it, we beg you.

When we get back to Idol, it’s the rejects turn to “shine” like one guy’s bright red hair. It’s bright enough to lead ships into the harbor. Evidently, New York has mental health release day for this show.

Back in SJ, teenage Monique has long curly hair, a bright red dress and an adorable kid brother. Christopher is her biggest fan and he makes friends with all the judges. Monique sings an old Supremes song and has a lovely voice. We love this girl and her brother and the seashell and I have tears now. The judges hem haw around and I am ready to throw my laptop at the television. They put shiny-shirted Norman the clown through but not this talented girl? Fortunately Simon’s vote counts as tiebreaker and Monique is going to Hollywood.

In New York, Glitter Girl from last season is back. Although she is simply Alexis this year and looks somewhat normal. Amazing how she has actually established a fan base. Only in America (and U.S. territories.) This year she sings Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” and it is terrible. She shoots them the bird and calls Simon a bleep-hole but in a very ladylike way. Now she’s going back under the rock from which she came.

Back to San Juan. Thank goodness it’s almost over because I’m getting whiplash. Patricia is a lovely girl with nice parents who got married right there in the audition house, where grandma got drunk. Unfortunately she tries to do “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” which is hard to do a cappella. They give her another chance and she scores with a Spanish ballad. Patricia gets a golden ticket.

Since that Whitney song is already stuck in our heads, they play the real version while everyone in San Juan dances in the waiting room. The judges join the party, and Randy “dances like there’s no tomorrow.” (Well, at least the Whitney song is out of my head now.)

Only nine folks from San Juan made it to Hollywood. We find out that 26 people from New York made it and we got Norman and Glitter Girl Redux. This show, man. It’s as confusing as Paula’s fuchsia shirt/orange scarf combo. Fuhgettaboutit!

Tonight’s quotes:
Randy (to Jorge): “Yes! Be who you are, be Puerto Rican, yes!”

GuyPod: “Yay! Yeah! I got a no! I got a no!”

Kara (to Norman): “You don’t have a shot in hell, but like… thank you.”

Ryan (to Christopher about his sister Monique): “The good news is…”
Christopher: “I helped her.”

Next week we finally mercifully get to Hollywood. Those TNT folks aren’t the only ones who know drama. “Take it! Take it, take it, take it!”

American Idol from Salt Lake City – Wastin’ Away Again in Archuletaville

Welcome to night two of this week’s American Idol, from Salt Lake City. I am still trying to recover from pneumonia and am practically in isolation. Also, when I’m sick I get weepy, so hopefully there will not be too many “Next on Oprah” moments tonight.

Utah used to be known for LDS and Donny & Marie. Here in the 2000s, folks are more familiar with Big Love and our teenage phenom from last season, David Archuleta.

Every scan of the crowd shows many blonde people and lots of pearly white teeth. Voiceover Ryan describes it as the friendliest audition city ever with the happiest people he’s ever seen.

Paula reminds us that we are in the land of High School Musical, a series that My Kid will not admit she’s watched. Okay, she’ll own up to the first one, but that’s it!

First up is David Osmond, and yes he is “one of the million” (his words) members of the famous family. David is very handsome with a mod hairdo and seems relaxed and confident. Both David and his dad have been battling multiple sclerosis. When he gets before the judges, he does not overplay his Osmond connection and sings a Take 6 song very well. Although they are concerned that he’s too used to singing in groups, the judges put him through to Hollywood.

Next up is Tara, who swears she is not Goth although she’s wearing an Evanescence Halloween costume. She also says she has ESP and knows when folks are gonna die. Okaaay. She sings a song from the movie where Nicole Kidman is a singing courtesan, but she is not any good. Tara doesn’t take rejection well either, but she really should’ve seen it coming.

We are subjected to more badness and I am so tired of some of these songs. One guy looks like a cross-eyed Cowardly Lion. Why do we get this particular Oz character every season?

Chris seems like a normal guy, but … brace yourself. He brings in a big guy in a pink bunny suit. You know, like a lucky rabbit’s foot. My Kid and I immediately think of Anya on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which brings back good bunny memories and we’re able to tune out the nonsense that’s currently on our screen. The gimmick backfires because Chris does not have a terrible voice. Silly rabbit.

Keeping with the theme of Friendliness, we see auditioners get turned away and they are very polite about it. Voiceover Ryan is theorizing on how this could be possible. So he tries to convince everyone else in the waiting room to be evil. Way to coach, Seacrest. I’m pretty sure he was tongue-in-cheek, but are they?

A pretty, self-assured lady named Frankie has an adorable new baby and her figure back already. She sings “You Know I’m No Good” which we hope is not prophetic. She is fabulous and unique and very confident. Kind of like the anti-Amy Winehouse. All of the judges love her and she is going to Hollywood.

We get a Lifetime Movie Network moment by hearing Megan’s story of her upcoming divorce and single motherhood. She is pretty but has a Carly Smithson scary arm tattoo. Man, I hate tats. They just ruin a person, especially girls. Anyways, Megan looks a bit like Reese Witherspoon in the face and sounds like Duffy when she sings. Today’s her birthday, she’s great and deservedly gets voted through to the next round.

Ooh! Kelly Clarkson preview of her new song!!! Oh. No. Ugh. (Kelly, why?)

The song “A Daily Anthem” from David Cook’s new album plays as we see a few other golden ticket winners. Then we hear a bad bassist who seems to be a joke. As Randy says, “It didn’t jump off today, baby.”

Clean cut Austin is president of his senior class; he is adorable but seems too perfect. (The kind of boy that My Kid avoids like the plague.) He has a decent voice but he is so old-fashioned, I fear his well-being in Hollywood. The judges let him sing two songs and he makes it through. Simon tells him he needs to find his youth. I hope his chaperone is built like Hulk Hogan because here goes a lamb to the lions.

They are showing a lot more bad and over-the-top auditions this time than the other cities so far. That song about old record players is really popular this year for some reason. And finally, some human being meltdowns and tears. Then chaos and cacophony explode our brains.

We meet Taylor, a very tall stunning teenage girl. Randy says that she reminds him of Jordin Sparks. Taylor sings a song called “Joyful Joyful,” and it’s spiritual so we expect the judges to loathe it. They always seem to get uncomfortable when God is mentioned. To our amazement, they love Taylor and she makes it to Hollywood.

Rose Flack is a name to remember, because even if she doesn’t make it far on American Idol, she could be in movies. She’s beautiful, an orphan and tonight’s second sob story. Rose has a unique, bohemian look and an equally distinctive sound. She does not sing “I Feel the Earth Move” perfectly but as Simon says, she is memorable. Her foster family rejoices with her when she gets the golden ticket. Maybe someone will get her some shoes now.

We see quick flashes of a few more singers good enough to make it to Hollywood including another Justin Guarini look-a-like.

Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Randy: “There’s a lot of promise for this whole Utah vibe…This whole like, salt of lake.”

Ryan (to Alan Osmond): “Very well done. You can take my gig.”

Paula: “I think I need to move here.”
Randy: “We should all move here.”

Simon: “Austin, we haven’t quite joined the fan club yet.”

Tomorrow night, we’ll see auditions from both New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico. Next week is Hollywood Week, whoot! The previews promise many dramatic moments, including one from tonight’s discovery, Rose.

Until then, do not let anyone cough on you and never take your lungs for granted!

American Idol from Jacksonville – Take a “Journey” to Florida, Dawg!

Happy American Idol night from Aunt Pearl’s house! My Kid and Hubby will have to help me with the recap for tonight, as I am sick with pneumonia and highly medicated (pardon the pun.)

For our entertainment, Simon and Ryan fake-bicker in the backseat of a limo. Their agents should look into getting them a sitcom when AI is over.

Oh, but sunny Jacksonville, Florida looks wonderful doesn’t it? **SIGH** Technically, they are on Amelia Island, but close enough.

For those who did not know, Randy Jackson played guitar for the band Journey back in the day. Not sure why the shout-out to Randy, since he’s from Baton Rouge not Jacksonville. My Kid says it’s because of the name of the city, which okay. Duh.

Is it my meds or did Simon and Randy switch places at the judges’ table? My world is all askew now!

No time to ponder because our first auditioner is Justin Guarini look-a-like Joshua. His future’s so bright he has to wear shades. Indoors. (Irksome.) He sings a Marvin Gaye song and it would be good if he left out the farting noise sound effects. No need to spin a Blake Lewis Part Two. My Kid likes it (of course) because she was a huge Blake fan. Mysteriously, Justin, er Joshua makes it through to Hollywood.

Next up is a very pretty gal named Sharon who brings her doggie. Awwww. I love little lap dogs like this. Simon does too, which is weird. Watching him hold a dog is like watching House hold Cuddy’s baby last night. Anyways, back to tonight’s TV – Sharon sings the old Carpenter’s song “Superstar” but does it in the annoying way of Bratney Smears. Kara points that out to her but it doesn’t really matter. Between the dog and her good looks, she’s a shoe-in for the next round. But dang, Paula and Kara - we could have done without the fake lesbianics.

Ryan gets to drive a golf cart and gets lost in the woods, but not in a good Oceanic 815 way. City boy. He would be better off to stay lost and not be subjected to the next very bad Chaka Khan impersonator. We don’t “feel for you,” sorry.

Teenager Kaneswa seems to be a very sweet, likable girl. Her mom tells Ryan that she’s been singing all of her life. Unfortunately, the song she sings is way off key and a mess. Simon is nice to Kaneswa and even has her mom come in so he can tell them both that she is just not a good singer. They need to face reality and take up paper-mâché or rock climbing or something.

Next up is a self-assured beauty queen named Julissa who looks like she could be Tyra’s younger sister. Julissa goes from Hispanic accent to ghetto-speak in like, half a second. She says she’s doing Whitney (Red Flag Alert!) She sings the song and sounds pretty good, but then things get kinda weird. For no apparent reason, Paula does a pouty walk out. I wonder if she thinks they are still filming Hey Paula? Somehow the beauty queen brings Paula back and the judges vote her through to Hollywood. That girl’s “fierce!”

Quick flash to the waiting room, where we see emos, Zac Efrons, and goofy folks who probably text while driving.

An adorable girly-guy named Darin is shown making friends with all of them. He’s a charmer that’s for sure. His cookie quickly crumbles when his BFF fails his audition, so when it’s his turn, Darin is awful. He massacres a Boyz II Men song and he’s all kinds of depressed now. Hormones can cause those extremely high/low mood swings, so I feel for the guy.

Cute blonde giggly Naomi is next and she seems very confident that she can bring it. But first she wants her friend to come in and meet Randy. This night has surely been dedicated to Mr. Jackson. This audition oddly turns into flash dating: Randy has the friend in his lap, Paula gets in Simon’s, and Ryan sits in Kara’s lap. Then our brains begin to seizure when Naomi sings that Minnie Ripperton song. Make it stop! Then Simon makes her cry, she gets hugs, and they send her back to the short bus.

Day two: First up is another teenager and we have high hopes for this one. Her name is Jasmine and she is the baby of her family. Her mom and sisters are with her and they are all equally beautiful. Jasmine sings “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and sounds good but sadly does not have Peter Petrelli there to lean on. (That Fergie video is hot.) Simon pronounces Jasmine “commercial,” which is not always a good thing. She deservedly makes it through; could she be this year’s Paris Bennett?

Next up is a guy named George. My Kid says that she did not realize that Amish people could try out for American Idol. My Hubby thinks she is serious and reminds her that he met lots of Amish people when he drove an 18-wheeler all over this great nation, and that George is not Amish. She reminds him that she was using her sarcastic voice. I concentrate on their conversation to avoid paying attention to George’s crazy eyes and horrible voice, and then thankfully it’s over and he is gone.

To make us jealous, we see shots of the beach and Baywatch bods and we all want to go on vacation now.

A pretty young lady named Ann Marie is next and she gushes all over Kara. Paula seems to be uncomfortable about this and we expect another walk out from her. Strangely, it’s Ann Marie who has to walk out – although she sings part of a Kara-penned song very well, the judges instruct her to leave, go “find her true self” and then come back as a “different person.” I smell STUNT, don’t you?

In the meantime, we have T.K. Hash, which sounds like the name of a department store. Two of the judges recognize him from last year (guess which two.) T.K. is very attractive but makes the mistake of doing “Imagine” with lots of runs. Archie fans all over the world are cringing, not to mention die-hard Lennon aficionados. If he’d chosen a different song it would have been better. All but Simon give him a second chance at Hollywood.

My Kid likes the next guy, Michael, because he is a teenage boy with a scarf. He’s a cross between Sanjaya and Noriega with a bit of guitar-playing Castro thrown in for good measure. Michael, bless his heart, is such a drama queen and his family members act as enablers. He sings a Third Eye Blind song and although he’s not terrible, he’s not good enough for the show. To avoid a repeat of a Josiah Leming meltdown like last year, he does not get voted through. When Michael totally disses his mom, My Kid changes her mind about him. That was SO not right.

Ann Marie gets some make-up, a hair fluff and a new ‘tude and comes back before the judges. She has a beautiful voice even on that annoying toes/nose song. I don’t know why they are giving this lovely, talented girl such a hard time. Finally they tell her that she’s made it to the next round. Funny how changing shoes can make a difference with your singing.

A montage of “Walking on Sunshine,” appropriate for sunny Florida, is shown next by a variety of fair to middling to poor singers.

It’s hard to believe that just-like-that the Jacksonville auditions are over. No real stand-outs other than that last 2nd chance girl. Not even any sob stories. I feel like I’ve been Keyser Söze’d.

Random pet peeve: if they would leave out the “Coming Up” segments, we could get at least five more minutes of airtime. The better to show some more of the good contestants who actually made it through to Hollywood, right?

Tonight’s Memorable Quotes:
Ryan: “I’m gonna take care of your friends. We’re gonna serve them drinks; we’ll be giving them potstickers …”

Simon: “You compare yourself to Mariah Carey… so you’re a talented looney?”

Kara: “My job isn’t done here until Simon TRIES something on me.”

My Kid: “That Ryan is one hot little package of metro.”

Tomorrow night it’s auditions from Salt Lake City, a.k.a Archuletaville. Hopefully we will see more clips of little David.

Until then, it’s more bed rest for me, with Kid and Hubby waiting on me hand and foot. Ah, the silver linings we find…

American Idol from Louisville, Gateway to the “Primal Scream”

Welcome to Kentucky, y’all! The Bluegrass State - home of the Derby, the Slugger, and Billy Ray Cyrus. Much ado is made over how to pronounce Louisville but consensus says that it’s Louie-ville, no “s.” Or perhaps “Lull-ville.” Shrug.

First up is teenager Tiffany whose self-confidence outweighs her talent by a country mile. She massacres a Mariah song and gets compared to a donkey. The bleached blonde is obviously overindulged by her disillusioned parents, but at least she may get a college education now. Or maybe that show about Paris Hilton needing a new BFF would be an option.

Next is a pretty gal named Joanna who is Carly Smithson The Upgrade. She is another 2nd chance contestant who long ago and far away had a record deal. After getting beat up by the Hollywood grind, she’s hoping AI will jump start a stalled career. Kara recognizes her and the judges quickly get to see how talented she is as well. Joanna does a Pat Benatar song beautifully; I predict that she will make it far this year.

Mark tells us that he’s almost died five times. Okaaaay. He sings an old song that I used to like as a kid, “White Lightning” by George Jones. Evidently the whole Goodspeed incident still has Paula and the other judges nervous. They overreact big time when an offhand comment of “Be careful” is interpreted as “I kill you!” As a southerner, I know that this statement is commonplace as a farewell, i.e. “See you later” or “Travel safe.” They blow it way out of proportion and it just confuses the harmless guy.

A handsome young man named Brent comes in next. My Kid informs us that he was on Nashville Star, so we expect a country tune from him. He surprises everyone with a darn good rendition of a Bad Company song. Kara and Simon get in a pissing contest for no reason at all. Brent is like, hey still standing right here. (This show man.) He makes it to Hollywood and everyone is happy again.

Louisville proves that it has its own share of freakylinks, as we see a parade of squeaky weird, helium weirder and hockey mask weirdest. Simon wants to know is the show getting stranger this year or are the producers just editing the footage to make it seem that way?

Back to something good – Matt plays piano and we already have high hopes that he is a talented musician. We like his personality a lot already but not his girly tee shirt. He sings the theme song from One Tree Hill, which has been done to death on American Idol. Simon compares him to my man Elliott which is a compliment, and Matt sails through to the next round. Randy tells him to “get your swagger on high, baby, yes” which is a quote that I will be trying to work into a conversation tomorrow.

Imagine Rain Man crossed with Mr. Ed and we get the next guy, Ross. He puts everyone in a coma with mumbo jumbo, then scares us with some kind of … not sure what that was… opera? The judges seem to know since they start singing along. We have an “Eww! Cooties!” moment when Ross drinks from Paula’s cup. He starts to sing “Love Me Tender” and My Kid says, “That dude just killed Elvis. Again.” They finally mercifully send him on his way.

We get very brief glimpses of actual good singers who did make it but we just have to settle for being teased for now. The Idiots In Charge are too busy showing us footage of the rejects singing badly again in the waiting room. Cringe.

A very cute young gal named Alexis is next, and we meet her adorable little girl Ryan. The dad is in military school, and you can tell that they are struggling. Alexis does an Aretha song with a powerful voice that impresses the judges. They were not expecting a big voice from one so tiny. She is adorable and we are glad she makes it through. Kara sends her off with a creepy “where babies come from” moment, but otherwise it’s a good audition.

Another montage of boring as paint drying (Kara’s words) auditions and everyone just wants a nap now. Until!

For some reason Tiger Woods shows up to audition. We did not know he sang. Actually, this guy’s name is Aaron and oh boy does he have ADHD. He sing-shouts a CCR song and even though Kara, Randy and Paula seem to be getting down with their bad selves, jamming along, they are just leading the guy on. Things get so loud that Ryan comes in to investigate the “primal screams.” Poor Aaron gets sent home and he’s all heartbroken and feeling used.

We see that the next gal, Rebecca, made the morning news but not because she’s one of the Derby horses or Melinda Gordon. My Hubby says that he really hopes that she can sing well, which is guy-speak for “She has a smoking hot body and I want to see more of her on my TV.” Unfortunately, she tortures that Carrie Underwood song about car vandalism. At least the Louisville Slugger lyric would have fit but she didn’t get that far. Kara even accuses her of being bad on purpose as a joke but she’s totally not. Oops!

Remember these names because we get about one tenth of a second of them sounding pretty good: jazzy Kris, soulful Felicia, pre-makeover DC lookalike Ryan, and baby-faced Shera. My prediction is that most of these are Hollywood week cannon fodder, but I could be wrong. (My Kid and Hubby both remind me of how incorrect my past predictions have been, so I am just going to shut up now.)

As usual, we get the sob story last. Call me jaded but I am so over the Lifetime Movie Network moments on this show. Lenesha has the whole homeless shelter, blah blah, mom has like a thousand more kids, yada yada. They seem like a very sweet family, but I just ain’t feeling the pity, sorry. Thankfully, Lenesha is “100% original” just like she claims to be; the girl has a fabulous voice and sings a clever song that she wrote. Original songs do not usually work out on AI, but she could sell her song “Natty” right now. She has a Beyonce vibe and we really like her. Thankfully so do the judges and she and her family are delighted that she’s off to Hollywood.

Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Randy (after Paula and Kara crawl under the table): “What’s going on? Bizarre season 8!”

Kara (to contestant Aaron): “You watch Tyra Banks, yeah.”
Simon: “At least someone is.”

Ryan (hearing very loud noises coming from the audition room): “What the hell?”

Next Tuesday they will show us the auditions from Jacksonville, Florida. But right now it’s time to get LOST, yay! Finally! Sawyer is so pretty on the eyes!

And we can always pass the time by organizing common Chinese characters into radicals.

American Idol from San Francisco – “Peace, Love, Dove & Power to the People”

Happy Inauguration Day everybody! It snowed a few inches here in N.C. which means the world as we know it has come to an end for a few days. I already have cabin fever in the worst way!

Tonight’s auditions are from the City by the Bay, home of the Tanners and the Charmed Ones. Oh, c’mon you know you want to sing it – “I left my heart in…” Never mind.

Voiceover Ryan reminds us that we have been to San Fran before, and for no apparent reason he uses the words Katharine McPhee and William Hung in the same sentence.

We see an impromptu wedding, one of the Weasley Twins, tour guide Ryan, and the judges showing love to Frisco.

First up tonight is a giggle box named Tatiana who looks like she might be the Puerto Rican version of Kat. We quickly see that she is annoying not endearing, and her pageant poses get old quickly. Any minute now we expect her to say, “I really do want world peace!” She doesn’t sing horribly but it’s not that great, and her over dramatics get her through. Tatiana would do much better on one of those Mexican soap operas that Joel McHale shows clips from on The Soup.

More over-singing ensues and it’s becoming obvious why SF is the “anything-goes” capital of the US of A. At least we get to see the latest California fashions.

Ryan chats with an O Brother Where Art Thou - looking dude in a loud plaid coat. When Dean walks into the audition room, we hear a scream in the background, like from that old “Rollercoaster” song. Randy calls his singing “torture” so it’s appropriate. (I had to explain the carpet/drape analogy to My Hubby and he threw up a little. That was wrong on a “this show is rated G” level!)

Thankfully we see signs that say “We Love You Jesus,” but soon learn that it’s not for our Lord and Savior; it’s for the next contestant, Hey-suse. He has one of those whiny voices that bring boy bands to mind, and the judges don’t really like his singing. The pity card is played when his kids come in, and our eyes roll when Hey-suse makes it to Hollywood. Simon gets a hug from the littlest boy and he’s all awkward about it.

Ryan learns what a Rubik’s Cube is from a laid-back creepy guy named Dalton who can’t sing worth a lick. This show is not going well so far, and it’s only on for an hour tonight. More filler fodder badness follows and we’re left to wonder if even the NON-talent well has run completely dry?

Those born after 1980 will have no idea about the Summer of Love and whatnot, but it’s just a segue anyhow. It seems that not all is peaceful and lovey between new judge Kara and the dastardly Brit. NO! Say it ain’t so! (That was my sarcastic voice.)

Next they go on for one hundred years with Akilah and her research about vocal style (or something.) Finally she gets a chance to sing “accapellacally” before the judges, starting with an original song. Then it just derails entirely in ways we never expected. Before the train wreck is finally cleared off the tracks, Paula tries to calm Akilah down and then walks out, Kara gives Akilah a hug before pushing her out the door, and then blames Simon for the entire fiasco.

Adding fuel to the fire, we see three good singers get voted on to the next round, but they’re only tiny snippets. They must not have had interesting drawings, clothes made out of furniture, or a modeling portfolio with them.

We meet Annie next, who looks like an escapee from a war camp. While singing, she makes the same noises that she’d make if that were actually true. Kara chokes on her Coke cup. I expect them to play the “Annie Are You Okay” song in the background as she’s sent on her way.

A cute guy named Adam is next, and My Kid pronounces him HOT. He has the pre-makeover David Cook haircut but any resemblance ends there. Adam sounds pretty good on a Queen song, but no one should do Freddie except Freddie! I suppose because he’s in some play called Wicked, they pass him through to Hollywood. All the judges want to touch him now, and My Kid is jealous.

Tonight’s obligatory sob story comes from Kai, who takes care of his ailing mother. He is attractive in a Sayid from Lost kinda way. He has a decent voice, but the judges accurately compare him to a cruise ship singer. With all the hype we already know that he will make it through, and his smile alone is worth that ticket. “I Can Only Imagine” (my favorite song ever) plays in the background as Kai calls his mom.

At the end of the show, it’s frustrating to see that twelve people made it to Hollywood, and we only got to see a few of them. I had heard from several sources that the producers were going to change the formula this year to Less Bad + More Good = Better Show. They dropped the ball with this episode; there was way too much time wasted tonight.

Ryan says good-night to everyone so that we can all watch Fringe, a.k.a. The X-Files 2.0 (only boring.)

Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Paula: “Are you a fan of the show?”
Rubik’s Cube Guy: “Simon keeps it interesting.”

Randy (to bad crooner who’s serenading Paula): “She wants a baby.”

Ryan (about Akilah’s stack of paperwork): “This is right out of health class.”
Akilah: “No, this is off the INTERNET!”

Simon (about Annie): “Did she have a drink?”
Kara: “If you did, can you bring one in here?”

Tomorrow night, we’ll see auditions from Louisville, KY. Expect every negative southern stereotype imaginable to be profiled, because that’s just how they roll.

Until then, stay warm and if you’re in the Triangle Area, watch out for black ice.

American Idol from Kansas City – Please Folks, “Show Me” Something Good

Tonight’s auditions are from the hometown of last year’s winner, David Cook. Can that much awesome occur twice in one city? Stay tuned as we head toward “The Little Apple”…

After reading last night’s blog entry, My Kid said to me “Mom! Dude! I don’t like your new format! It’s lame!” Since she recently won the N.C. Young Authors Award, she knows more about writing than I do, so I will concur with her. (There’s a first time for everything, right?)

Ryan makes us wonder if the same 7,000 people who showed up six months ago for David’s hometown visit will be amongst the crowd of auditioners. (Answer: Yes.) Poor Randy seems to be lost and Kara just wants acceptance please.

My Kid’s thrilled to see dreadlocked crooner Jason Castro again, and so is Paula. He is on the scene to support his younger brother who is auditioning.

But first, we are set up to believe that gorgeous blonde Chelsea is going to be the next Carrie Underwood. Unfortunately, she is aptly described by Simon as “a cat jumping off the Empire State Building.” Girl has a nice haircut though.

Pretty Ashley sings a song by British Pop Idol Leona Lewis which was co-written by Simon. She has a good voice even though she blows the lyrics right off the bat. To prove that sometimes brownnosing pays off, she makes it through to Hollywood.

For some reason Mandy Moore has shown up to audition. Isn’t she already a star? No wait – this gal’s name is Casey and she is fabulous. Still don’t understand the “sundress with cowboy boots” fashion style but whatevs.

The next guy up has borrowed one of Simon’s tee shirts to go with his leather jacket. Brian is studying opera and really needs to stick with that. He mutilates “Think” to the amusement of the judges who sing back-up. We don’t think (think!) that he is going to make it to the next round.

Ryan gets a visit with David’s mom and step-dad who just happen to be walking by. This segues into more shots of Cookie at his most awesome.

We are subjected to some bad but hilarious guys until Von shows up. He has a dorky hat and sings “Over the Rainbow” loud enough to wake the dead. My Hubby thinks that he is great. We have to wait for a commercial break to find out that Von made it through.

Flashbacks to last year’s 4th place runner up, Jason Castro. They remind us that his little brother Michael is there to audition, and he is just as inarticulate (yet adorable) as Jason. My Kid thinks he is a major babe; evidently teen girls like bright pink hair on boys. As Simon says, Michael is “goodish” and he makes it to the next round.

After making us nauseous with a dork in a bright yellow and orange suit, we then meet bar singer/welder Matt and his family. He’s like a combination of Chris Daughtry and Sundance Head. Simon pretends to understand how important family is to a normal person, then they let Matt sing “Ain’t No Sunshine.” He has a fantastic voice and everyone but Randy agrees.

Poor little Jazz does not stand a chance as she tortures the rainbow song. Wasn’t this just yelled at us earlier? (I really need to find out where she got that skull fedora.)

Hopefully the next contestant, Jessica from the town of Oz, will be better. We have high hopes since they show her in her home taking care of her adorable grandmother. Bespectacled Jessica sings a Janis Joplin song brilliantly and makes it through.

Rapping sisters Asia and India dedicate a song to Randy, which he pretends to like. Next, they sing separately; one is horrid and the other is good. The judges now have to play Solomon - India makes it but not Asia, but they’re all okay with that.

Bartender Jamar does some more of that yelling-singing that seems very musical theater. Although they think he’s over-the-top, the judges send the Kewpie doll to Hollywood.

Jamar’s best friend Danny is up next but before he sings, he tells us tonight’s sob story. His wife Sophia passed away only four weeks ago and he’s there for her. Music teacher Danny is emotional but sings the grapevine song wonderfully. He does “Howie Mandel knuckle pushes” when he learns he’s moving to the next round.

A few really bad female contestants are shown, and then we see UNC student Anoop. He totally looks like he’s from the IT department where I work (or Kumar from House) but he surprises us with “crazy vocals.” In spite of his “Silicon Valley” look, 'Noop-Dog makes it through.

The obligatory massacre of a classic hit song is next; tonight’s is the Wonder/Frampton ditty “Signed Sealed Delivered.” They say “I’m yours” but we don’t want any of them.

We are reminded that often contestants show up in crazy costumes or have some gimmick to help them stand out. (Some of these might actually be hallucinations from my sinus meds.)

That being said, two cheerleaders come out to do an introduction for contestant Andrew. They are like the “from hell” version of Bring it On. Andrew sings “My Girl” with way too many runs but comes this-close to making it. (Weird how they thought he was too theatrical even though they let Von and Jamar through earlier.)

Next up is band director Asa, with his adorable four-year-old daughter. We hope he is good because he seems so nice. Even the judges are dismayed when he chooses a Michael Jackson song to perform. Asa defends his song choice, does it pretty well, and makes it to Hollywood.

Poor yellow-haired Michael shows his medals to Ryan. Expect to hear complaints from the Special Olympics folks after they see this audition, as it was the most uncomfortable since Bush Baby and Friend.

To lighten things up, we are treated to back-flipping Dennis, who says he had a dream about Simon (but not in a bad way.) He does “With You” almost as well as Archie did last season, but he’s way off his rocker. Dennis makes heavy with the pity and gets through to the next round.

Orange-haired Mia keeps falling asleep in the waiting room before going before the judges. She makes Minnie Ripperton roll in her grave with her YIKES rendition of “Loving You.” Mia does not take defeat well and threatens that God is going to be very mad now!

The last contestant tonight is tornado survivor and mother of three, Lil Rounds. She blows us all away with a Stevie Wonder song. Lil has the uniqueness of Fantasia and the sweet demeanor of Melinda Doolittle and is my very favorite so far. Even Simon seems to get choked up for about a split second.

They tease us with footage of upcoming audition cities and highlights from Hollywood week. It looks like the dreaded group songs are back.

Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Simon: “James, you’re like a singing Ryan Seacrest aren’t you?”
Contestant Jessica’s grandma: “These are my crazy pills.”
Paula (to Lil Rounds): “Whoever told you to stop dreaming your dreams, go tell them to kiss your ‘lil’ behind.”

Next Tuesday we’ll see auditions from San Francisco. ‘Til then, stay warm!

American Idol from Phoenix – How the West was (Not) Won

American Idol time is here again folks! I have been counting down the hours since 0700 this a.m.!

So I suppose I should do that “disclaimer” thing that I did last year… you know, where I say “these opinions are mine and only mine and if you don’t agree, tuff dooky and don’t send me hate mail.” Nah, not gonna… there’s a link to it already, over to the right. Same story, different season.

Now begins our eighth year… There’s a montage of seasons past, then an ethereal shot of Ryan at the Grand Canyon. The burning questions for the new year include: Will the addition of Kara interrupt the flow at the judge’s table? Will the trainwreck-like contestants be fooled AGAIN, even after seven years? Will we actually get to see more of the good singers? How many times will Simon roll his eyes? And most importantly, will they use a picture of “before-or-after makeover” David Cook for the American Idol Wall of Previous Winners?

Here’s how it all went down in Phoenix, home of Jordin Sparks:

Introducing Kara DioGuardi
As soon as they show Kara on screen, My Hubby says “Dang!” This is man-speak for “She is a very attractive young lady.” She seems to fit right in and holds her own with the others. I believe that she will be a welcome (and coherent) addition to the show once she loses the “no one knows my name” attitude.

You Have GOT to be Kidding
Note to Whiner Randy: Your Axl Rose Halloween costume plus crocodile tears will not get you any respect when you go back to your cubicle job.

Hey X-Ray: DeBarge called and they want their look back. And tomorrow? Take the whole pill, okay?

Bikini Girl – okay, let’s face it – she’s a skank and that’s why the guy judges put her through to the next round. Too bad she missed the casting call for the new reality series “True Beauty,” the Ashton/Tyra show where gorgeous but very vain people are set up to be mocked and scorned. She would be a perfect fit for that hot mess.

“Omigod It’s Coming Toward Me!”
Tuan has Chris Sligh Hair Times Ten but he’s got moves we ain’t seen since Michael Jackson’s heyday. And we don’t ever want to see them again.

Some sweaty guy sounds like Britney on the john when he sings. Dear Producers: really now? And then you fed him a banana?

What did Bon Jovi ever do to deserve “Wanted Dead or Alive” trashed so heartlessly by a hodgepodge of bad, badder, and badness? Didn’t Jon even do time as a guest coach a couple years back? Show some love!

Totally Should’ve Known Better
Grungy Emo dude makes “Mad World” sound like nails on a chalkboard.

Daddy-Sang-Bass but my gosh, even Mufasa never sounded this deep-voiced. At least Paula recommends a career in voiceover work, which is reasonable.

Poor Eric. He should have hired a tattoo artist that can spell better. “Sexual Chacolate?”

Casting Call for “Bring it On 5”
Teenager Arianna has the sweetest story of the evening with her “Adopt a Grand-friend” program. She is cute, has a decent voice, and the judges put her through to Hollywood. The adorableness factor is over the top but leaning way more towards the good.

Lea Marie looks like a teenage hooker in her pink cowgirl outfit. She likes Kara, sings okay but she’s told she’s not ready. She threatens to come back next year.

Little curly-haired Brianna is delightful with a sparkling personality. Even after blowing two audition songs, she is inexplicably put through by Paula and Simon.

Teeny Tiny Cody is (brace yourself) a maker of horror movies! I can’t make this stuff up! He is also a blend of Sanjaya and Noriega with a pretty good voice; he makes it to Hollywood.

Good but Most Likely Cannon Fodder
Young J.B. has a great voice but he’s somewhat cookie-cutter on the Ruben song.

Big Tall Oil Rig Worker Michael has the country twang and “likability factor,” but he’s not that memorable.

Simon’s not fond of the Clay-like Alex, who is out of the closet (but not THAT way, perv!) The other judges overrule the Brit and let the poor boy through.

Hooray for Hollywood – the Best of Phoenix
Our first rocker this year is a female named Emily. She looks like a heavily tattooed Drew Barrymore. Lip rings are gross, but she has a great voice and does Heart proud with “Barracuda.”

Write this name down in pen – Stevie Wright. Although named for Stevie Nicks, she sings “At Last” and does a fantastic job. Simon teases her about being too nice (Brooke White anyone?) so she socks him in the jaw. Just kidding, but that would have been funny.

Southern blonde Deanna reminds me so much of Kellie that I expect her to say “Pick Pickler!” However, she is an awesome surprise and has a unique sound on the old “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay.”

Our heartstrings are pulled with Scott, a talented singer and piano player who is almost totally blind. Even Simon is moved by his story. Scott is My Kid’s favorite of the evening.

Only Obsessed Freaks Like Me Would Catch This
Elliott Yamin’s late mother was shown in the opening montage (awwww!)

The shot of David Cook used in the intro is from the night of the Final Two.

Paula was giving Simon the middle finger early on; you could see the “blur-vision” on her hand.

The Powers That Be Strike Again
They showed that youtube video of the little gals losing their shee-yat over Archie’s loss to Cook last May. (Sorry girls, but it was Cougars: 1 and Tweeners: 0.)

Proof that the Producers Loathe Ryan
That awful Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl” was playing in the background when Bikini Skank was frenching Ryan. Low blow much?

Most Memorable Quote of the Evening
Katrina (to Kara): “But your demonstration wasn’t any better.”

Tomorrow night will be auditions from Kansas City. Expect many David Cook references, since that is where he had his hometown visit last year. Maybe they still have the banner from the parade.

'Til the morrow!