Welcome to night two of this week’s American Idol, from Salt Lake City. I am still trying to recover from pneumonia and am practically in isolation. Also, when I’m sick I get weepy, so hopefully there will not be too many “Next on Oprah” moments tonight.
Utah used to be known for LDS and Donny & Marie. Here in the 2000s, folks are more familiar with Big Love and our teenage phenom from last season, David Archuleta.
Every scan of the crowd shows many blonde people and lots of pearly white teeth. Voiceover Ryan describes it as the friendliest audition city ever with the happiest people he’s ever seen.
Paula reminds us that we are in the land of High School Musical, a series that My Kid will not admit she’s watched. Okay, she’ll own up to the first one, but that’s it!
First up is David Osmond, and yes he is “one of the million” (his words) members of the famous family. David is very handsome with a mod hairdo and seems relaxed and confident. Both David and his dad have been battling multiple sclerosis. When he gets before the judges, he does not overplay his Osmond connection and sings a Take 6 song very well. Although they are concerned that he’s too used to singing in groups, the judges put him through to Hollywood.
Next up is Tara, who swears she is not Goth although she’s wearing an Evanescence Halloween costume. She also says she has ESP and knows when folks are gonna die. Okaaay. She sings a song from the movie where Nicole Kidman is a singing courtesan, but she is not any good. Tara doesn’t take rejection well either, but she really should’ve seen it coming.
We are subjected to more badness and I am so tired of some of these songs. One guy looks like a cross-eyed Cowardly Lion. Why do we get this particular Oz character every season?
Chris seems like a normal guy, but … brace yourself. He brings in a big guy in a pink bunny suit. You know, like a lucky rabbit’s foot. My Kid and I immediately think of Anya on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which brings back good bunny memories and we’re able to tune out the nonsense that’s currently on our screen. The gimmick backfires because Chris does not have a terrible voice. Silly rabbit.
Keeping with the theme of Friendliness, we see auditioners get turned away and they are very polite about it. Voiceover Ryan is theorizing on how this could be possible. So he tries to convince everyone else in the waiting room to be evil. Way to coach, Seacrest. I’m pretty sure he was tongue-in-cheek, but are they?
A pretty, self-assured lady named Frankie has an adorable new baby and her figure back already. She sings “You Know I’m No Good” which we hope is not prophetic. She is fabulous and unique and very confident. Kind of like the anti-Amy Winehouse. All of the judges love her and she is going to Hollywood.
We get a Lifetime Movie Network moment by hearing Megan’s story of her upcoming divorce and single motherhood. She is pretty but has a Carly Smithson scary arm tattoo. Man, I hate tats. They just ruin a person, especially girls. Anyways, Megan looks a bit like Reese Witherspoon in the face and sounds like Duffy when she sings. Today’s her birthday, she’s great and deservedly gets voted through to the next round.
Ooh! Kelly Clarkson preview of her new song!!! Oh. No. Ugh. (Kelly, why?)
The song “A Daily Anthem” from David Cook’s new album plays as we see a few other golden ticket winners. Then we hear a bad bassist who seems to be a joke. As Randy says, “It didn’t jump off today, baby.”
Clean cut Austin is president of his senior class; he is adorable but seems too perfect. (The kind of boy that My Kid avoids like the plague.) He has a decent voice but he is so old-fashioned, I fear his well-being in Hollywood. The judges let him sing two songs and he makes it through. Simon tells him he needs to find his youth. I hope his chaperone is built like Hulk Hogan because here goes a lamb to the lions.
They are showing a lot more bad and over-the-top auditions this time than the other cities so far. That song about old record players is really popular this year for some reason. And finally, some human being meltdowns and tears. Then chaos and cacophony explode our brains.
We meet Taylor, a very tall stunning teenage girl. Randy says that she reminds him of Jordin Sparks. Taylor sings a song called “Joyful Joyful,” and it’s spiritual so we expect the judges to loathe it. They always seem to get uncomfortable when God is mentioned. To our amazement, they love Taylor and she makes it to Hollywood.
Rose Flack is a name to remember, because even if she doesn’t make it far on American Idol, she could be in movies. She’s beautiful, an orphan and tonight’s second sob story. Rose has a unique, bohemian look and an equally distinctive sound. She does not sing “I Feel the Earth Move” perfectly but as Simon says, she is memorable. Her foster family rejoices with her when she gets the golden ticket. Maybe someone will get her some shoes now.
We see quick flashes of a few more singers good enough to make it to Hollywood including another Justin Guarini look-a-like.
Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Randy: “There’s a lot of promise for this whole Utah vibe…This whole like, salt of lake.”
Ryan (to Alan Osmond): “Very well done. You can take my gig.”
Paula: “I think I need to move here.”
Randy: “We should all move here.”
Simon: “Austin, we haven’t quite joined the fan club yet.”
Tomorrow night, we’ll see auditions from both New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico. Next week is Hollywood Week, whoot! The previews promise many dramatic moments, including one from tonight’s discovery, Rose.
Until then, do not let anyone cough on you and never take your lungs for granted!
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