Welcome to Kentucky, y’all! The Bluegrass State - home of the Derby, the Slugger, and Billy Ray Cyrus. Much ado is made over how to pronounce Louisville but consensus says that it’s Louie-ville, no “s.” Or perhaps “Lull-ville.” Shrug.
First up is teenager Tiffany whose self-confidence outweighs her talent by a country mile. She massacres a Mariah song and gets compared to a donkey. The bleached blonde is obviously overindulged by her disillusioned parents, but at least she may get a college education now. Or maybe that show about Paris Hilton needing a new BFF would be an option.
Next is a pretty gal named Joanna who is Carly Smithson The Upgrade. She is another 2nd chance contestant who long ago and far away had a record deal. After getting beat up by the Hollywood grind, she’s hoping AI will jump start a stalled career. Kara recognizes her and the judges quickly get to see how talented she is as well. Joanna does a Pat Benatar song beautifully; I predict that she will make it far this year.
Mark tells us that he’s almost died five times. Okaaaay. He sings an old song that I used to like as a kid, “White Lightning” by George Jones. Evidently the whole Goodspeed incident still has Paula and the other judges nervous. They overreact big time when an offhand comment of “Be careful” is interpreted as “I kill you!” As a southerner, I know that this statement is commonplace as a farewell, i.e. “See you later” or “Travel safe.” They blow it way out of proportion and it just confuses the harmless guy.
A handsome young man named Brent comes in next. My Kid informs us that he was on Nashville Star, so we expect a country tune from him. He surprises everyone with a darn good rendition of a Bad Company song. Kara and Simon get in a pissing contest for no reason at all. Brent is like, hey still standing right here. (This show man.) He makes it to Hollywood and everyone is happy again.
Louisville proves that it has its own share of freakylinks, as we see a parade of squeaky weird, helium weirder and hockey mask weirdest. Simon wants to know is the show getting stranger this year or are the producers just editing the footage to make it seem that way?
Back to something good – Matt plays piano and we already have high hopes that he is a talented musician. We like his personality a lot already but not his girly tee shirt. He sings the theme song from One Tree Hill, which has been done to death on American Idol. Simon compares him to my man Elliott which is a compliment, and Matt sails through to the next round. Randy tells him to “get your swagger on high, baby, yes” which is a quote that I will be trying to work into a conversation tomorrow.
Imagine Rain Man crossed with Mr. Ed and we get the next guy, Ross. He puts everyone in a coma with mumbo jumbo, then scares us with some kind of … not sure what that was… opera? The judges seem to know since they start singing along. We have an “Eww! Cooties!” moment when Ross drinks from Paula’s cup. He starts to sing “Love Me Tender” and My Kid says, “That dude just killed Elvis. Again.” They finally mercifully send him on his way.
We get very brief glimpses of actual good singers who did make it but we just have to settle for being teased for now. The Idiots In Charge are too busy showing us footage of the rejects singing badly again in the waiting room. Cringe.
A very cute young gal named Alexis is next, and we meet her adorable little girl Ryan. The dad is in military school, and you can tell that they are struggling. Alexis does an Aretha song with a powerful voice that impresses the judges. They were not expecting a big voice from one so tiny. She is adorable and we are glad she makes it through. Kara sends her off with a creepy “where babies come from” moment, but otherwise it’s a good audition.
Another montage of boring as paint drying (Kara’s words) auditions and everyone just wants a nap now. Until!
For some reason Tiger Woods shows up to audition. We did not know he sang. Actually, this guy’s name is Aaron and oh boy does he have ADHD. He sing-shouts a CCR song and even though Kara, Randy and Paula seem to be getting down with their bad selves, jamming along, they are just leading the guy on. Things get so loud that Ryan comes in to investigate the “primal screams.” Poor Aaron gets sent home and he’s all heartbroken and feeling used.
We see that the next gal, Rebecca, made the morning news but not because she’s one of the Derby horses or Melinda Gordon. My Hubby says that he really hopes that she can sing well, which is guy-speak for “She has a smoking hot body and I want to see more of her on my TV.” Unfortunately, she tortures that Carrie Underwood song about car vandalism. At least the Louisville Slugger lyric would have fit but she didn’t get that far. Kara even accuses her of being bad on purpose as a joke but she’s totally not. Oops!
Remember these names because we get about one tenth of a second of them sounding pretty good: jazzy Kris, soulful Felicia, pre-makeover DC lookalike Ryan, and baby-faced Shera. My prediction is that most of these are Hollywood week cannon fodder, but I could be wrong. (My Kid and Hubby both remind me of how incorrect my past predictions have been, so I am just going to shut up now.)
As usual, we get the sob story last. Call me jaded but I am so over the Lifetime Movie Network moments on this show. Lenesha has the whole homeless shelter, blah blah, mom has like a thousand more kids, yada yada. They seem like a very sweet family, but I just ain’t feeling the pity, sorry. Thankfully, Lenesha is “100% original” just like she claims to be; the girl has a fabulous voice and sings a clever song that she wrote. Original songs do not usually work out on AI, but she could sell her song “Natty” right now. She has a Beyonce vibe and we really like her. Thankfully so do the judges and she and her family are delighted that she’s off to Hollywood.
Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Randy (after Paula and Kara crawl under the table): “What’s going on? Bizarre season 8!”
Kara (to contestant Aaron): “You watch Tyra Banks, yeah.”
Simon: “At least someone is.”
Ryan (hearing very loud noises coming from the audition room): “What the hell?”
Next Tuesday they will show us the auditions from Jacksonville, Florida. But right now it’s time to get LOST, yay! Finally! Sawyer is so pretty on the eyes!
And we can always pass the time by organizing common Chinese characters into radicals.
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