Happy Inauguration Day everybody! It snowed a few inches here in N.C. which means the world as we know it has come to an end for a few days. I already have cabin fever in the worst way!
Tonight’s auditions are from the City by the Bay, home of the Tanners and the Charmed Ones. Oh, c’mon you know you want to sing it – “I left my heart in…” Never mind.
Voiceover Ryan reminds us that we have been to San Fran before, and for no apparent reason he uses the words Katharine McPhee and William Hung in the same sentence.
We see an impromptu wedding, one of the Weasley Twins, tour guide Ryan, and the judges showing love to Frisco.
First up tonight is a giggle box named Tatiana who looks like she might be the Puerto Rican version of Kat. We quickly see that she is annoying not endearing, and her pageant poses get old quickly. Any minute now we expect her to say, “I really do want world peace!” She doesn’t sing horribly but it’s not that great, and her over dramatics get her through. Tatiana would do much better on one of those Mexican soap operas that Joel McHale shows clips from on The Soup.
More over-singing ensues and it’s becoming obvious why SF is the “anything-goes” capital of the US of A. At least we get to see the latest California fashions.
Ryan chats with an O Brother Where Art Thou - looking dude in a loud plaid coat. When Dean walks into the audition room, we hear a scream in the background, like from that old “Rollercoaster” song. Randy calls his singing “torture” so it’s appropriate. (I had to explain the carpet/drape analogy to My Hubby and he threw up a little. That was wrong on a “this show is rated G” level!)
Thankfully we see signs that say “We Love You Jesus,” but soon learn that it’s not for our Lord and Savior; it’s for the next contestant, Hey-suse. He has one of those whiny voices that bring boy bands to mind, and the judges don’t really like his singing. The pity card is played when his kids come in, and our eyes roll when Hey-suse makes it to Hollywood. Simon gets a hug from the littlest boy and he’s all awkward about it.
Ryan learns what a Rubik’s Cube is from a laid-back creepy guy named Dalton who can’t sing worth a lick. This show is not going well so far, and it’s only on for an hour tonight. More filler fodder badness follows and we’re left to wonder if even the NON-talent well has run completely dry?
Those born after 1980 will have no idea about the Summer of Love and whatnot, but it’s just a segue anyhow. It seems that not all is peaceful and lovey between new judge Kara and the dastardly Brit. NO! Say it ain’t so! (That was my sarcastic voice.)
Next they go on for one hundred years with Akilah and her research about vocal style (or something.) Finally she gets a chance to sing “accapellacally” before the judges, starting with an original song. Then it just derails entirely in ways we never expected. Before the train wreck is finally cleared off the tracks, Paula tries to calm Akilah down and then walks out, Kara gives Akilah a hug before pushing her out the door, and then blames Simon for the entire fiasco.
Adding fuel to the fire, we see three good singers get voted on to the next round, but they’re only tiny snippets. They must not have had interesting drawings, clothes made out of furniture, or a modeling portfolio with them.
We meet Annie next, who looks like an escapee from a war camp. While singing, she makes the same noises that she’d make if that were actually true. Kara chokes on her Coke cup. I expect them to play the “Annie Are You Okay” song in the background as she’s sent on her way.
A cute guy named Adam is next, and My Kid pronounces him HOT. He has the pre-makeover David Cook haircut but any resemblance ends there. Adam sounds pretty good on a Queen song, but no one should do Freddie except Freddie! I suppose because he’s in some play called Wicked, they pass him through to Hollywood. All the judges want to touch him now, and My Kid is jealous.
Tonight’s obligatory sob story comes from Kai, who takes care of his ailing mother. He is attractive in a Sayid from Lost kinda way. He has a decent voice, but the judges accurately compare him to a cruise ship singer. With all the hype we already know that he will make it through, and his smile alone is worth that ticket. “I Can Only Imagine” (my favorite song ever) plays in the background as Kai calls his mom.
At the end of the show, it’s frustrating to see that twelve people made it to Hollywood, and we only got to see a few of them. I had heard from several sources that the producers were going to change the formula this year to Less Bad + More Good = Better Show. They dropped the ball with this episode; there was way too much time wasted tonight.
Ryan says good-night to everyone so that we can all watch Fringe, a.k.a. The X-Files 2.0 (only boring.)
Tonight’s Best Quotes:
Paula: “Are you a fan of the show?”
Rubik’s Cube Guy: “Simon keeps it interesting.”
Randy (to bad crooner who’s serenading Paula): “She wants a baby.”
Ryan (about Akilah’s stack of paperwork): “This is right out of health class.”
Akilah: “No, this is off the INTERNET!”
Simon (about Annie): “Did she have a drink?”
Kara: “If you did, can you bring one in here?”
Tomorrow night, we’ll see auditions from Louisville, KY. Expect every negative southern stereotype imaginable to be profiled, because that’s just how they roll.
Until then, stay warm and if you’re in the Triangle Area, watch out for black ice.
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