Our premiere event continues tonight as AI plays the theme from Dallas and makes with the bragging rights of how they discovered Kelly Clarkson way back when.
It seems that KC may have turned her back on Clive and the crew, but they sure are dropping her name tonight. Speaking of dropping, folks are falling out like flies from the heat. One gal goes into freakin’ labor which makes me wonder just how long was she waiting around to audition?
First up is a former meth head named Jessica who has turned her life around. My Kid goes on a self-righteous rant about how she doesn’t feel sorry for drug addicts and points out that blaming the drug for the addiction is like “blaming misspelled words on your pencil.” I try to explain that everyone makes mistakes and if they want to change for the better they deserve forgiveness. Second chances and all that jazz. At the audition Jessica is cute and has a real pretty voice on the Carrie version of “I’ll Stand by You.” She makes it through to Hollywood and here’s praying that she stands strong.
Next is a dorky guy who reminds me of Kevin on the defunct sitcom Just Shoot Me. Why The Powers That Be cart these short-bus folks in front of us to be mocked is beyond me. Why I watch it and call it “entertainment” is even farther beyond me. (This means that I am just as bad as them so will just STHU now.) The guy is a roller coaster enthusiastic and takes us on a very scary ride when he attempts my man Elliott’s “Wait for You.” Simon proves that he is not the devil (Philip Pullman is) by saying “you are a very nice man Paul” and actually seems to mean it.
More shots of cowboy hats, big hair, and a few weirdoes in the mix to make it interesting. A restaurant-singer gal tries to perform a Kelly C. song and it’s awful. She is comforted by two buxom blonde BFFs as she leaves.
More awfulness ensues and the judges seem to be getting discouraged. Finally a cute blonde named Alaina comes in but we quickly find out that her ego is way too big. She thinks that Carrie Underwood looks like her, thank-you-very-much. (I think this chick looks like Lulu on General Hospital.) Thank you Simon for telling her that “you are not as good as you think you are” and has to explain the word “latter” to her. Heh. She makes it through in spite of her “I’m all that”-ness.
A boy-girl duo attempt to sing together and it’s a hot mess on so many levels. I ask “what are they doing??” and My Kid answers “making me deaf.” The judges are stunned into silence and Voiceover Ryan says something about Italian opera.
Next is a beyond-virginal guy named Bruce who is way too cute to have never kissed a girl before. He has this really strange necklace with a key and his dad has the heart or some such nonsense. My Kid thinks it’s sweet but come on - bizarro alert. They’re just making too much of this not-kissing issue. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you can’t kiss before marriage. Bruce has a good voice but the judges deem him to be not skanky enough for Hollywood. My Kid’s angry at his rejection and thinks he deserved a chance.
A back up singer named Pia with a Mary J. Blige edginess comes in next and blows everybody away with her awesome voice. Simon ticks me off when he refers to background singers as being “whipped donkeys” because it seems he is making fun of our girl Mindy Doo from last year. Pia makes it through and I like her in spite of her weird hair.
Next up is the grossest thing I have ever seen on American Idol. EVER. I can’t even type it without getting nauseous. Ryan has weird chat with a semi-cute and seemingly normal guy who collects his freakin’ fingernail clippings in a Ziploc bag. His name is Brandon and he has a great smile but that nail thing is just too disgusting. And WHY did he tell the judges about it? Just when you think he doesn’t stand a chance in Hades, he starts to sing and he’s not horrible. He makes it through to the next round but I have to go throw up now. Too much time wasted here.
Hopefully the next gal will be better. Her name is Kayla, she is a mom and has a Minnie Mouse speaking voice, a’la Paris Bennett. We quickly discover that she is tonight’s Sob Story, as she explains that she was disfigured in a horrible car accident. She has mostly recovered and has a renewed joy of life and this gal is absolutely adorable. If they make a Lifetime movie of her life story, Kyra Sedgwick should totally play her part. Kayla sings a Janis Joplin song and it’s not great but HOW can the judges say no to this lady? My Kid does not understand why they said NO to virgin guy but YES to car wreck lady. Shrug.
Now we have to hear some of the baddies, including a Ruben look-alike who sounds like a little boy. And teenage boys should never attempt Aretha. It’s just wrong.
Next up is a pretty gal named Kady who does vocal impressions, including Rascal Flatts, to which I say Huh? They ask her to do a Britney impression which she does and sounds better than Spears ever did. Finally they get her to do a song as “herself” and she does a lovely version of “Unchained Melody” that easily gets her to the next round.
Eleven other people made it through but we only get to see tiny bits of them. Hopefully the wizards behind the curtain learned their lesson from last year and actually SHOW some footage of people who made the Top 24. (But do they ever listen to me? Uh, no.)
Day Two in Dallas and Paula now has the pretty Gracie Hart hairdo. My Kid and I love those Miss Congeniality movies.
For some reason right off the bat we get a creepazoid named Douglas. Poor pitiful guy whose own dad hates him, so he says. He tries to warm up before singing “Living on a Prayer” and somewhere Jon Bon Jovi is throwing bricks at his television set. (Speaking of Bon Jovi, they are touring with Chris Daughtry and will be in our area in March. Wahoo!) Security finally has to escort Douglas out to a “safe place.” Next!
Newlywed Angela is next and she explains how her male model hubby helped her pick out the song she’s singing today. She even brings him out to show him off and I don’t blame her; he’s handsome in that bland soap-opera-star way. Her first song is “Baby Love” which she does in a “sorority girl doing karaoke on a cruise ship” kinda way. Her hubby thinks she is great which proves the “models are not that bright” theory that all of us average folks want to believe, heh. After way too much time wasting she is finally sent on her way.
We get to meet this year’s Kevin Covais, only his name is Kyle. He’s a political science student who wants to be governor one day but for now, he is “campaigning” to be the next American Idol. They edit his video like a political ad and it’s so funny when they do the “in case it isn’t obvious this is a joke ha ha” at the end of it. (I actually do need that disclaimer since I am the most politically ignorant person on this planet. I don’t understand any of it and don’t care to. I mean, what the heck is a “caucus” anyway? Sounds like a bad rash or something; I hope they make an ointment for it.) At any rate, Kyle wows the judges with the Queen song he does and they try to figure out a way to turn him down. He squeaks through to the next round after promising not to be the next Clay Aiken. They should have added JPL, Federov and Malakar to that mix also.
Next is a gal who Talks Real Slow and has Very Long Pauses. She does a Celine Dion song real badly but says she gave it her best shot. Whatever. Ryan tries to bring her back to consciousness when the audition is over but we’re not sure if he is successful.
Next is Colton who is in a band with his brother; My Kid proclaims that he is a cutie patootie. He has the Blake-ish hair and Ryan-ish tee shirt. He has a good voice on a song called “Boondocks” but he kept his eyes closed. He gets mixed reviews but makes it through to My Kid’s delight. They pull a fast trick on his family waiting outside which is cute and more entertaining than the singing.
Ryan reminds us that we are in the home of the wild wild west where men are men. Right? Well, not necessarily as the parade of freaks is presented. Thank goodness the beeping of the winter weather alert drowns out most of the bad singing.
Now we get to meet a farmer named Drew who introduces us to his whole family and talks about life on the farm. There is a lot invested in this montage which is set to the background of that “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” song. My Kid proclaims this guy to be smoking hot also but in a different way than the one from before. At the audition Drew says that he has a “hate-love relationship” with farming and would not be averse to giving it up for singing. He sings an old George Strait song and does well with it, if you like country. It’s not Simon’s thing but Randy and Paula put him through to the next round.
Next up is the long lost love child of Marilyn Manson and Richard Simmons. This impressed-with-himself dude explains more about “guyliner” and fake tanning than we ever need to know. And he is a counselor to little kids which is actually kinda normal in this liberal-ass day and age. He attempts a recent Kelly C. song and hangs himself with his own rope. Poor guy doesn’t comprehend what the judges are trying to tell him – dude you are SCARY and after a hundred years he’s finally told a big fat no.
We are reminded for the zillionth time that Kelly Clarkson was found in Dallas during the premiere season of American Idol. This segues into a montage of some terrible singers butchering Kelly’s “Since You Been Gone.” What the bleeding H E double hockey sticks are some of these folks thinking???
Finally a pretty lady in an ugly dress comes in the door. Her name is Nina and she is from the very same town as Kelly C. and has a flower behind the ear a’ la Jasmine Trias. She has a lovely voice but breaks the AI commandment of “thou shalt not sing Whitney unless you are Whitney.” She does a jazzy number next and it sounds better but the judges are still mixed. Nina makes it through in spite of Simon calling her old-fashioned.
There is only one guy left and it’s a Jackie Chan look-alike in a weird costume that looks like something between an angel and a pimp. Way too strange especially since he’s older than me for pete's sake. Renaldo is a huge Simon fan and has written a song called “We are Brothers Forever.” Introduction ladies and gents to the next William Hung. Obviously this guy is adorable especially when he says he wants to “give hope to those who are in despairs.” But this segment goes on way way too long so I go feed the dogs. When I get back, it is STILL going on, only now Ryan and Randy are singing with him and Paula is dancing. More Simon worship and hugging and halos and finally it’s over. (It’s three hours later as I write this and My Hubby is still singing the Renaldo song.)
Dallas Faves:
Best Female Singer: Pia
Best Male Singer: Drew
Best Backstory: Kayla
Random quotable one-liners:
Ryan: “I’ve kissed a girl today.”
Simon:… “they say love is deaf right?”
Paula: “There’s something that came over me, I don’t know what it’s called? Niceness.”
Randy:… “it’s the demon, tackle the demon!”
Next week they show the auditions from San Diego… 'til then, all together now “we are brothers…”
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