American Idol from San Diego

January 22, 2008

Voiceover Ryan coaches two old dudes to look into the camera and say (with feeling): “Welcome to American Idol from San Diego!”

(Re: the opening credits - I just noticed that when the Cyborg Star takes his/her teletronic rise in the astro-elevator, that Taylor has been “ix-nayed from the oh-shay.” Hmmm. )

We get to see people romping and cycling on the beach, mermaid sandcastles, plus flashes of the 12,000 or so folks who came to the audition. Namedroppers who can sing okay, painful-looking body piercings, and one literal bird.

First up is a pretty but stuck-up-acting girl named Tetianna. She is okay but not great on the old song “Someone to Watch over Me.” Simon tells her that she is good but not great and she cops an even bigger attitude. She makes it through in spite of the Brenna-ness. When she leaves, Simon says “Ob. Noxious” but Paula rebuttals with “I love it.”

Next we meet a little girl who sweetly says to the camera, “My poppy is the next American Idol.” Whoops, we find out that in spite of the ponytail, it’s a little boy. My bad. Very endearing Sob Story of single father Perrie, who is a widower raising the child on his own. I am hoping that he is a good singer especially when he says that he wants his kid to have what he never had. (I am thinking a haircut but then I am very old that way.) Perrie sings a Boyz II Men song and he has a fabulous voice. Paula is smitten, as are the others and he makes it through. Adorable boy says, “My poppy is going to Hollywood,” and I have to go dry my eyes now.

Sunny San Diego sure looks nice, as it is 28 degrees here in NC. Once winter finally came to visit, it unpacked the suitcase, but I digress.

An extremely attractive Australian guy comes up next; his name is Michael Johns and this is a name to remember. (He bears an eerie resemblance to the late Heath Ledger.) He sings an Otis Redding song soulfully and looks good while doing it, yowsa. As Randy says “100 million percent yes.” Down Under Guy makes it through to Hollywood.

Next we are subjected to the punishment portion of the evening with some extremely bad and off-key laughable singers. Not too bright and probably planning to vote democratic. One lady looks like a cross between Charo and Shakira with a bit of Cowardly Lion thrown in for good measure.

The judges are crabby according to Ryan. Then he interviews a cute brunette gal who seems to be genuine about being compared to Mariah Carey, and they proceed to poke fun at all the very bad auditions. Then guess what, she proceeds to give a very bad audition. Simon says that the only comparison to Mariah is if her CD was left out in the sun for a year. Oh snap! Poor gal now realizes that she will be on the reject reel; crazy or crazy like a fox?

More weird costumes and even some miming going on. (As Oz said to Buffy in season 4 of BTVS, “NOBODY deserves mime.”) Gimmicks are so lame and Ryan reminds us that by now folks should know this already.

A guy and gal, both in the health care industry, go to the audition together. They both think they are good enough to make it. The nurse goes first and after Simon teases her about her outfit, she attempts a Whitney song. Has she never seen this show? Doing Whitney is pointless. She keeps going on and on then makes like the Terminator with “I’ll be back.” Her male friend is not much better on yet another Whitney song. And when he is told to stop he goes on and on and on like a hyperactive Energizer bunny. He insists that he is good and finally security has to show him out. Outside of the audition room, he and his nurse friend act like R-tards. Moral: Do not ever get sick in the San Diego area.

Next we have fan-boys and fan-girls that get a little overly gross. The Ryan sandwich was disturbing on EVERY level imaginable. A Simon-obsessed gal and her sister groupie themselves into the audition room and it’s oh so brown-nosy. One sister sits on Simon’s lap and is a guest judge for the one who is singing. However the sister that’s there for the audition totally nails it; she can sing wonderfully. She makes it through to the next round just in time for Simon’s lap to go numb.

Day Two in San Diego… Randy is wearing a cool tee shirt that says Black Rock and of course My Kid wants one of those now.

It is return of the obsessed auditioner as we are introduced again to a guy who has tried out in 10 cities over the past few years. They remind us that he was Statue of Liberty guy in season 5. His mom, the enabler, travels with him; it seems they both like to sleep on sidewalks a lot. Finally auditioning as himself, he does an okay version of “Stand by Me” but the judges are not wowed. Maybe next year or the next or until the magic age limit runs out. They make with the pity so hard that I expect Ty to show up any minute to give him a house.

Now we are forced to watch and listen to other folks with an "L" on their foreheads, as Rod Stewart sings “Never Give up on a Dream” in the background. Hope they paid him a lot of money to use that song.

A flaming guy is up next and I just can not watch this segment, sorry. So I will leave My Kid in charge while I go feed the dogs… Hi folks, I am Aunt Pearl's daughter and will take over for my mom as she is gayophobic, or whatever it is when really really really and I mean REALLY blazingly flamboyant guys are on tee vee. I think this guy is Native American which is really kewl cuz the guy I like in school is Native American. (Remember we don't say Indian, okay.) But OMG this dude twirls a Barbie, carries a big fan that actually says "big american idol fan," and sings really badly and that’s all we really need to know. Okay good, it’s over and my mom is back… whew that was close.

I am sure glad that I missed out on that drama! And now the judges and viewers alike are subjected to even more bad singers, most who will not ST-bleeding-H up.

Finally we get another Sob Story with a teen guy named David who shares with us the story of his vocal paralysis. My Kid gives me an “air high five” as he sings “Waiting for the World to Change.” He is really good and cute with a sweet smile but Randy’s back-up singing was not necessary. Paula says she wants to squoosh him, so RUN David RUN, but he makes it through to Hollywood.

Only one contestant left, an Irish lass named Carly whose heavily and yuckily tattooed hubby is with her. Two words: “Gr. Oss.” She talks about her audition in Vegas a couple years ago and how she made it to Hollywood but was disqualified because of visa issues. Tonight Carly and her heavily tattooed arm get a second chance. She bears a vague resemblance to Amy Lee and has a decent rock star/R&B voice on a strange version of “I'm Every Woman.” She seems startled when Simon says that she was better two years ago. Paula and Randy disagree and thinks she’s brilliant; she makes it through to Hollywood again.

We see very quick flashes of several others that made it through to Hollywood. Would have been nice to actually hear a few of those winners but alas only an hour long show tonight.

Tomorrow night’s auditions will be from South Carolina, where inevitably there will be lots of southerners making us all look like a buncha redneck grits-eating gun-toting idiots.

House rerun is up next, appropriately enough about a washed-up rock star.

Quote of the evening:
Ryan (looking through the camera at Simon): “Now I just need to see if The Ego is camera ready.”

San Diego’s best:
Best male singer: Michael the Australian guy
Best female singer: Tattooed Carly
Best back-story: Perrie and his little boy

Chatter from the ‘net… the teen boy (David) with vocal trouble won Star Search when he was 12. The Irish gal Carly, actually already recorded an album a few years ago that was a flop. (Weird how on tonight’s show she cried like this was her first and only chance.) Lastly, the handsome Australian guy (Michael) is in a band already called The Rising. After seeing his video on youtube all I can say is Constantine The Sequel. Bummer.

I guess I will have to keep getting my eye-candy from Sawyer on Lost.