‘Tis the Season…

Just in time for Christmas… a diddy that is a complete rip-off of the Twelve Days of Christmas… Enjoy! (but only if you are very bored, crazy or both.)

On the first week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
A recap of last year’s finale
On the second week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the third week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the fourth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the fifth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the sixth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the seventh week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the eighth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Eight song dedications, seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the ninth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Nine vocal coaches, eight song dedications, seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the tenth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Ten Ford faux-mercials, nine vocal coaches, eight song dedications, seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the eleventh week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Eleven man-on-the-streets, ten Ford faux-mercials, nine vocal coaches, eight song dedications, seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale
On the twelfth week of AI, Ryan Seacrest gave to me –
Twelve special guest stars, eleven man-on-the-streets, ten Ford faux-mercials, nine vocal coaches, eight song dedications, seven lame group singings, six eccentric neckties, five contestants who can sing!!! Four tear-jerking back stories, three scowling judges, two hours of filler and a recap of last year’s finale!!!

What’s Your Theme Song?

My Kid told me yesterday that she has been given a rather cool classroom assignment: she has to pick a “theme song” that fits her life.

Right now, she likes Flyleaf, so she is leaning towards one of their songs for her theme. I encouraged her to dig deeper and consider other songs that she’s liked over the past 15 years. I said, “Remember when you liked Evanescence? And Avril? And Hanson? And Barney?” After frogging me, she said that she STILL liked Evanescence, thank you very much.

As the staunchest American Idol fan in the known universe, I could not help but wonder how they would handle a “your life’s theme song” topic for the contestants. Of course, they would have to choose from their very limited catalog but even so… that might be a fun theme for TPTB to use this year. Not that they listen to ol’ Aunt Pearl, sigh.

My Kid asked Her Dad and I what our theme songs would be. I had to think about it for awhile. He mentioned “Shine” by Collective Soul. Or maybe something by Pearl Jam. I had a more difficult time deciding, as I have a tendency to overthink things.

So… in the spirit of list-making… man, I love me a good list any day of the week…

My Life Theme Songs

70s

“Heart Like a Wheel” by Linda Ronstadt
“Love Me Like Music (and I'll Be Your Song)” by Heart
“Victim of Love” by The Eagles
“Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac
“Heartbreaker” by Pat Benatar

80s

“Rapture” by Blondie
“If I Needed You” by Emmylou Harris & Don Williams
“Somebody’s Knocking” by Terri Gibbs
“Seven Year Ache” by Roseanne Cash
“I Would Die 4 U” by Prince & the Revolution
“You Can Take the Wings Off Me” by Reba McEntire
“Morning Like This” by Sandi Patty
“Telling Me Lies” by Trio (Linda, Emmylou, Dolly)
“Awesome God” by Rich Mullins
“I Will Not be Denied” by Bonnie Raitt

90s

“Wicked Game” by Chris Isaak
“Tell Me I Was Dreaming” by Travis Tritt
“I’ll Stand By You” by The Pretenders
“Ice Cream” by Sarah McLachlan
“Foolish Games” by Jewel
“Where the River Flows” by Collective Soul
“In the Light” by dc Talk
“My Favorite Mistake” by Sheryl Crow
“Wide Eyed” by Nichole Nordeman
“God of Wonders” by City on a Hill (Mac Powell, etc.)

2000s

“Lay It Down” by Jennifer Knapp
“Salt and Light” by Jami Smith
“Grace Like Rain” by Todd Agnew
“Who Am I” by Point of Grace
“I Need You to Love Me” by BarlowGirl
“A Better Way” by downhere
“Anywhere with Jesus” by Amy Grant
“Weight of the World” by Evanescence

Long list, yeah, but it covers my formative years. I love making lists of non-value-added things that mean nada to no one but moi. Oh well, today is my birthday so, Happy B-day to me (-:

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Life

It’s been one month since the Season 6 grand finale, so now it’s Memory Lane time…

Aunt Pearl’s Best & Worst List:

#1 Rule for American Idol: DO NOT bring your baby to your audition

Best Coach/Mentor: Jennifer Lopez

Best Dressed: Stephanie Edwards

Best Faux Contestant: Jack Black

Best Finale Performance: CeCe and BeBe Winans with Melinda sing “Hold Up the Light”

Best Former Idol Comeback: Kelly Clarkson

Best Group Song: “Time to Care” (by Quincy Jones)

Best Hollywood Week Quote: “You guys are probably wondering why I called this meeting today.” ~ Chris Sligh

Best Idol Gives Back Moment: The African Children’s Choir with Josh Groban

Best Makeover: Elliott Yamin!

Best of Ryan: Ryan singing “What’s your name? Who’s your daddy?”

Best Quote by a Reject: (To Simon) “What’choo know about music?... He probably listens to that back country Englishman sheep stuff!”

Best Paula Quote: To Melinda (after she sings “I Got Rhythm”) “Not only do you got rhythm, you got CDs, you got number ones, you got concert halls…”

Best Randy Quote: A bad contestant says that she usually gets a standing ovation and Randy replies, “When they stand up, do they exit?”

Best Simon Quote: “…we have had some precocious little monsters on this show.”

Biggest Tease: Jordin is the last one standing but Idol Gives (her) Back

Bravest Song Choice: Chris Sligh does Contemporary Christian Music!!

Cutest Moment: Melinda’s “rock horns”

Funniest Gimmick: Simon’s man-boobies

Funniest Guest Star: Brad Garrett

Hottest Guest Star: Jon Bon Jovi

Most Confusing Guests (TIE): Carole Bayer Sager disguised as Joan Collins and Barry Gibb channeling Sean Connery

Most Disappointing Change: Songwriter contest for the AI winner anthem

Most Ironic Fashion Statement: Rudy wears a tee shirt with a picture of a target on the front

Most Ironic Simon Quote: “I want to see my girl Melinder in the final.”

Most Pimped Former Contestant: Jennifer Hudson

Most Robbed: Sabrina Sloane

Most Surprising Cameo: President & Mrs. Bush

Most Tearful (TIE): The “Mama Doesn’t Care” Boy and The Mandy Moore Look-alike

Most Touching Moment: A Senior Citizen Sings a Song for His Late Lady

Most Annoying Song Choices: Song repeats from previous years and by previous Idol winners

Saddest Crash & Burn: Sundance Head

“Scandal Over Substance” (TIE): Antonella!! Sanjaya!!!!

Stupidest Fan Gimmick: “J”’s “Starvation for Sanjaya”

Weirdest Hair: Blake goes brunette for no apparent reason

Worst Editing: Too many of the top 24 never got ANY previous screen time

Worst Fashion Choices: Everything that Gina wore ever

Worst Hollywood Week Quotes: (TIE) Skanky Blonde BFF to booted group mate: “This just proves that God likes nice people” and Sundance to Tommy: “If this doesn’t work out, I will hire you as my bodyguard.”

Worst of Ryan: The Sanjaya pony-hawk wig

Worst Paula Moment: Fawning over Jessica Alba

Worst Thing That Simon Did: Made fun of Special Ed Boy and called his friend a Bush Baby

The Good, The Bad & The “Oh My God, it’s Coming Toward Me!!”

I love lists…

Most Awesome Performances:
Every Single Song performed by Melinda Doolittle!!
“I Who Have Nothing” by Jordin
“This Ain’t a Love Song” by LaKisha
“Time of the Season” by Blake
“I’ll Stand by You” by Gina
“Blaze of Glory” by Phil
Sundance’s first audition
Blake/Sligh Hollywood week group performance

Repeat-o-Gals & Guys:
Nick Pedro
“Brokenote Mt” Cowboy
Rocker Gina
Nasally Chris R.

The Look-alike Contest:
Chris Richardson – Justin Timberlake
Chris Sligh – Jack Osbourne
Alaina – Mariah Carey

Contestants Without a Clue:
Shymali sings “Summertime” and asks the judges have they heard it. Duh.
Chris Richardson sings “A Song for You” and wonders if the judges know this song. Duh huh.

The Not As Good As They Thought They Were:
The Shakira Clone
The “Felicity” Doll
The 6’7 Lady
The Bragging Canadian
“I Worked Hard as Rocky Balboa for This Body”
Stuck Up Opera Girl
“Skipping Into the Sunset”
“You sound like Cher after she has been to the dentist.”
Gospel Singing Potty Mouth
“I Sang for the Mayor”
“I Wrote this Song and I’m Proud of it”
“It’s Not My Fault – My Mama Chose This Song!”

The Very Very Bad:
“Fargo” Jewel Fan
“My Boss Flew Me to this Audition”
Juggling Boy
“This is How REAL Rockers Sound”
Pink Tights Lady
The Computer Nerd With Evil Friends
Big Red
“When they stand up do they exit?”
“Rapunzel” and Her Mom
The Lady with the “excrodinary” voice
Forrest’s best friend Bubba
“I Took Vocal Lessons from Paula & Randy’s DVD”
The Huggin’ Cuzzins

The WTH???:
“Urban Amish”
“Cowardly Lion”
Ozzy Osbourne in Drag
“The Hotness”
Darwin & Her Mom
“Crazy Hairdresser” Dude
“My sense of style is important for my confidentiality.”
Flaming “Pee Wee Herman” Jerk
The “Really Bad on Purpose” Girl
Clairvoyant Girl With Guitar
Big Bird Woman
K-Fed “Panther”
Humpdella & Metal Tooth

Should Have Gone Farther:
“I Was a Crack Baby”
Country Singing Navy Guy
Army Auto Mechanic Lady
Arrogant Afro Dude
Cheerleader Squad Captain
The Fidel Castro Looking Guy
Hair Weaved Soap Opera Audition
Teenage Tyson Beckford
“What will we do with all these matching pink T-shirts??”
The Second Chance Teenager
Lip Ring Rocker
Gorgeous Roller Skating Waitress
The Mini Ruben

Most Maligned Songs:
“Kiss”
“Don’Cha”
“Burning Love”
“Hips Don’t Lie”

Too Many Blondes:
So Bad that Even Paula Tells Her to STHU
Minnie Mouse Newlywed
BFF Skanky Beyotch
“Commercial with a Capital C”
The Hard Luck Bumpkin
2 Roller Skating Waitresses
Kellie Pickler and her new boobs
Olivia Newton-John, Guest Judge
Lulu, Guest Coach
Gwen Stefani, Guest Coach
Ellen Degeneres, emcee
Little Crying Girl

Best Gimmicks:
“OTHER DOOR”
Ryan’s AI “lessons”
“DO NOT FORGET THE WORDS”
Contestant families hang out on the “red couches”
Daughtry’s “Home” is the good-bye song
Fake snoring to Randy’s name dropping
Jordin crouching down to Ryan’s level

Worst Gimmicks:
Making Fun of Special Ed
Dumb Polite Southerners
Ryan Dons Wigs
Faking Out the Contestants
Pool Boy Paul’s bare feet
The “Dial Idol” contest
Jordin is only 17!!!!! JUST 17!!!!!!
Out of control drum sets
Golden Idol awards
The show runneth over

Most Awkward Moments:
Sligh mocks Simon with mention of Teletubbies
Simon totally forgets Haley’s name
Chris R’s “nasally” on purpose dangit!
Simon’s misunderstood eye rolling
Kiki and Simon smooch
“Thank you Randy Johnson” (???)

WWE Judges Style:
Simon tells the marching band to STHU and Ryan tells them to keep playing.
Simon tells a boy he needs stilettos and Paula goes off on him.
Contestant says she bases her clothes on how she feels that day. Simon quips, so today you felt “like the inside of a dust bin.” Paula hits him.

Best Paula Moments:
Sharing the Judging Spotlight with female guests makes Paula pout
Remember the Abdul dancing cat?
Simon says Leslie’s “scatting” reminds him of Paula’s talking

Best Ryan vs. Simon Moments:
Simon says to Ryan, “Simmer down sweetheart.”
Simon to Ryan re: Alaina: “Are you trying to DATE this girl??”
The “get out of my closet” interchange
Ryan ogles Simon’s chest (ewww)
Re the Dial Idol contest $10,000 winnings: Ryan to Simon, “That’s nothing to you, is it Rich Boy?”

Shameless Pimpage (besides the obvious Ford and Coke):
Pink Cell Phone
Shrek the 3rd
Myspace.com
iTunes
Fantastic Four
The Simpsons

Sexiest Former Contestant: CHRIS DAUGHTRY!!