Last night we heard Songs from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I hope that someday, someone on the show will sing my favorite rock song of all time – the iconic Led Zeppelin anthem “Rock and Roll.”
Our PowerPoint slides remind us that NINE REMAIN but that there can ONLY BE ONE. The singers have come from all over the country and are “uber talented.”
“It’s been a long time since I rock and rolled…”
Last night – Jacob saw a summer’s disregard and a broken bottle top, Haley made us feel like we were the only man, Casey knew that sun is cold and rain is hard, Lauren got her soul from the lost and found, James saw all the love that was sleeping, Scotty won’t be hanging 'round your door, Pia loves you like the flower loves the spring, Stefano had misery deep down in his soul, Paul ain’t seen the sunshine since he don’t know when.
“It’s been a long time since I did the stroll…”
The judges are announced and come to the stage. Jennifer has her stern headmistress updo again. Rut roh, we’re in wicked trouble now! Ryan warns all of us that we are in for a killer line up and a shocking surprise. Constantine Maroulis is back in the Idoldome tonight. Also visiting is punk rocker Iggy Pop; we are not familiar with this artist. I can only think of that one song in Pretty Woman.
“Let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back…baby where I come from…”
The pointy pose is back! The top nine do a medley of rock songs, and wow it’s a sad yet hilarious hot mess. Whoever thought to put “I Love Rock and Roll” with “The Letter” then mix in “Sweet Home Alabama” and stir? These songs do not a mash-up make. My Kid Tru says it’s like drunken karaoke and she is not wrong. It’s the arrangement that’s worse than the singing.
“It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time…”
The singing on the Ford music video is much better; the song is “Love Gun” and I’ve never heard it before. The plot of the video involves spy games, double-crossing and technology theft. Pia and Paul look like movie stars. Ryan reminds us about the scavenger hunt for a Focus. There's always something going on at the www.
“It’s been a long time since the book of love …”
We learn that this week the contestants had a “charisma coach” – none other than Mr. Katy Perry himself, Russell Brand. He is pretty funny; I’ve seen him on late night talk shows. We don’t watch many R-rated movies. (We’re like Jacob! We have moral convictions! LOL.) Russell seems to have a great time with the contestants and they have a blast also. Some of his advice might not be fit for the ears of the minors still left in the competition though!
“I can’t count the tears of a life with no love …”
Ryan very seriously dims the lights and calls Casey, Stefano, and Lauren to center stage. Lauren and her grandma’s pantsuit from the 70s are safe. Casey - otherwise known as Kelly Clarkson's crush - and his beanie hat are safe. The judges are still arguing about Stefano but Randy and Jimmy win – Stefano is bottom three.
“Carry me back, carry me back, carry me back …baby where I come from… ”
When Constantine was on the show back in the season of Bo that Carrie won, I was not a big fan. However I enjoy when any “alum” visit the show, so am glad to see him back on the Idol stage. He performs “Unchained Melody” as if it were being done for Disney’s the Lion King. My poor puppy is seeking refuge under the covers and doesn’t understand what is happening. She doesn’t even stay for Con’s trademark “greasy eyeball” to the camera. We learn that Con is a Tony nominee for Rock of Ages and has a new baby girl.
“It’s been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time…”
Now we are reminded that sometimes having a so-called professional stylist is not a good idea. Gwen Stefani is a cute gal but if these outfits are any indication of her fashion line, she needs to stick with singing. When Gwen was a mentor/coach a few years ago, she didn’t come across as a very warm touchy-feely person. Time has not changed this. Like her song says, “I know I’ve been a real bad girl.” She gives the three remaining gals the very worst items from her closet, and they pretend to like them because they’re on television.
“It’s been a long time since we walked in the moonlight…”
As Ryan quotes, there is no “Sweet Escape.” It’s time for more bottom three action. Paul, Scotty and Pia are front and center next. Scotty tells us about how he used to get in trouble on the school bus for singing. No worries about that now, he is safe. Paul and his dangling necklaces from the Steven Tyler collection are safe. Surprisingly it’s Pia (!!!) who is sent to the B3 stool. Those "million guys in the million bars with the million drinks" are upset right now, as well as the audience.
“A-making vows that just can’t work right…”
During the one thousand commercials, My Kid Tru and I argue about the B3 status of Pia. I like Pia and think she’s a great singer who just lacks stage presence. Tru thinks that she has too much of the “snobby girl” factor happening.
To make the night’s "festivities" even worse, Ryan tells us that the contestants got training in how to be media savvy from none other than the TMZ folks. Good Lord. What is next, the spawn of Satan is coming to tutor them? (Tru says yeah, last night. Heh.) I can’t stand TMZ – their antics are unprofessional and they give journalism a bad name. 'Nuff said.
To make the night’s "festivities" even worse, Ryan tells us that the contestants got training in how to be media savvy from none other than the TMZ folks. Good Lord. What is next, the spawn of Satan is coming to tutor them? (Tru says yeah, last night. Heh.) I can’t stand TMZ – their antics are unprofessional and they give journalism a bad name. 'Nuff said.
“Open your arms, open your arms, open your arms…”
We still feel the taste of smut in our mouths from that paparazzi segment. But it’s time for more results so Ryan brings over James, Haley, and Jacob. James and all of his mug shot faces and vulnerability are safe. Haley and the year 1968 are both safe. Brother Lusk learns not to wear sweaters from the Mr. Rogers neon colors collection; Jacob is B3.
“Baby let my love come running in…”
Ryan warns everyone that we might not be ready for this next guest. "Real Wild Child" Iggy Pop has lost his shirt. Our apologies go out to Jovany. Tru asks what IS this? It’s like a parody you see on Saturday Night Live. Iggy gets the censor bleep more than once. Someone please get the prehistoric punk rocker a tee. His song goes on for-frickin-ever. (Thankfully my puppy is already safely covered up.) Poor Jen gets the personal serenade; Steven probably warns Jen to stand or he’ll come back! Tru says, "This should be the only commercial that Above the Influence uses ever."
“It’s been a long time, been a long time…”
Back to the reason we are here… Jacob, Pia, and Stefano are in the bottom three. Ryan reminds Jacob about his bitchy comment to America and tells him that he is leaving… to go to safety. Nice heart attack for the Lusk family. So we are between Pia and Stefano, and Stef has resigned himself that he is the one to go. He has been a persistent bottom 3-er. To the shock of the Idoldome and the viewing audience, Pia is actually the one leaving. The judges, especially Randy, are losing their minds.
“Been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time…”
Not sure if this elimination is Chris Daughtry level shocking but it certainly enters Jennifer Hudson territory. WTH happened? Ryan asks the judges, but they don’t know. Perhaps the voting audience needed something less than cool perfection. While the “Don’t You Forget About Me” montage rolls, Pia is stoic as always. Ryan asks her to sing one last time and she chooses the Pretenders song, which begins “Oh, why you look so sad/ tears are in your eyes.” She’s surrounded by the remaining eight then bear hugged by Jacob, and she finally gets her good cry.
Quotes:
Russell Brand: Loosen up! Take your clothes off! You’re fired!
Randy: I’m alone. I’m all alone, Ryan.
Ryan: We’re the same height, but I’m a quarter your age, Harvey.
Ryan: I’ve got to cut out carbs after seeing that.
Tru and I disagree on Pia being the right choice to leave the show tonight. However, we do concur that we hope the fans don’t turn on Casey or the judges for the whole save issue. More importantly, I hope he doesn’t blame himself. These are still human beings on that stage after all.
Next week will feature songs from the cinema, another familiar theme. For now, I am going to listen to the Heart version of “Rock and Roll” for a million years. It's been a long lonely time...
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