“It was the moment no one saw coming”… Last week, gorgeous golden-voiced Pia was eliminated from the show. We are reminded that now some fans blame this ousting on Perpetual Bottom 3-er Stefano and He Who Received the Save Casey. Why? Because some fans are morons.
But no worries because … THIS! Is American Idol and it’s how they roll. “Every vote counts.”
The judges arrive and J.Lo is wearing the world’s largest loofah on the front of her dress. Maybe she needs something handy to clean Steven’s potty mouth. Both the rocker and Randy seem to have donned outfits from their grandma and grandpa respectively.
Ryan embarrasses Mrs. Jennifer Lopez Anthony by revealing that People magazine has voted her this year’s cover for their Most Beautiful People issue. Good going Jen, well deserved! Nice to see someone on the other side of 40 get this honor.
Tonight’s theme will be Songs from the Movies, or the “cinema” as our notable British producers like to say. It just sounds so much more elegant. To make this recap more fun (for me at least), I will preface each performance with a quote from the movie they are representing.
Also representing… The BEPs guy is back in the studio with Jimmy to aid and abet the contestants. My Kid Tru: “Why is will.i.am still here?” Me: “Who else is going to ‘go out and smash it, like oh my god’?” Tru: (Eye roll and expression of disgust.)
“Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.”
First up tonight in the doom spot is Sydney’s lovelorn best friend Will from Alias. No wait, it’s just Paul. He will be doing Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business, sadly not in his underwear. (Remember back in the season of David Cook, he did a Guitar Hero commercial using that scene? Good times.) Will.i.am proves he is not totally worthless by vetoing Jimmy’s idea of a beat box in the middle of the song. Good Lord. Tonight Paul is wearing another Rose Garden suit, this time a black one. He is in full chicken-arm, side-step mode. He sounds like he is being strangled by his red satin neckerchief. Things get better when the blonde gal on sax joins him on stage and he rattles a tambourine. He is so much better with his band. The judges, who have been criticized harshly in the press for NOT giving anything other than positive critique this season, continue on this path. They think he is a true original, an artiste.
“You're the only pop star I know who can't get into her own concert.”
Three guesses as to what Lauren will be doing and the first two don’t count. Of course it’s the Hannah Montana Movie. OF COURSE it is. In the studio, Jimmy alienates Miley fans everywhere by telling Lauren that she is a much stronger singer than Miss Cyrus. Add this to “news from the file marked DUH.” He and Will also tell her that now is her chance to win over the Pia fans, and then they argue about semantics awhile. Tonight Lauren looks lovelier than ever; she pulls off the frou-frou dress and boots combo. She finally seems to understand the words she’s singing; it’s about a young girl making “The Climb” to fame or wherever, so she gets it. There are a couple of rough notes but overall she’s great. All we can hope for now is that we don’t see Lauren on YouTube with a bong in a couple of years. The judges love her and don’t call out the imperfections of her vocal. Steven flirts a bit, but she is OVER you.
“Check it. Like Jet magazine. This is my mack daddy vibe I am giving you. In all its splendor.”
Stefano is on the chat stools with Ryan, and our first thought is – why does he look like he is ready to go play basketball? They talk about goals or whatnot, and then we’re reminded why America hates him because of Pia. And he looks cute in a fedora. Jimmy and Will burn Stef a brand new one during rehearsal time. They are pleased with his rendition of Boyz II Men’s "End of the Road" from the Eddie Murphy flick Boomerang. On stage he is like Joey Tribbiani’s baby brother at his high school talent show. Stef’s singing sounds okay, but to pull this song off properly, we need to see at least four more boys who look like him up there. Tru says that his scars are sexy, which makes me wonder if that is why he’s wearing short sleeves tonight. Randy name drops his B2M friend who will love Stef’s performance. Jen likes him so much she can barely sit still, then needs to use the giant loofah for her own potty mouth.
Stefano is on the chat stools with Ryan, and our first thought is – why does he look like he is ready to go play basketball? They talk about goals or whatnot, and then we’re reminded why America hates him because of Pia. And he looks cute in a fedora. Jimmy and Will burn Stef a brand new one during rehearsal time. They are pleased with his rendition of Boyz II Men’s "End of the Road" from the Eddie Murphy flick Boomerang. On stage he is like Joey Tribbiani’s baby brother at his high school talent show. Stef’s singing sounds okay, but to pull this song off properly, we need to see at least four more boys who look like him up there. Tru says that his scars are sexy, which makes me wonder if that is why he’s wearing short sleeves tonight. Randy name drops his B2M friend who will love Stef’s performance. Jen likes him so much she can barely sit still, then needs to use the giant loofah for her own potty mouth.
“Well, sometimes the tree grows too fast and the roots don't develop. And sometimes you have to chop off the top of that tree to let the roots catch up.”
Ryan lets an adorable little girl from the audience introduce Scotty. We learn that this week he came this-close to stepping out of the box by doing “Everybody’s Talking at Me,” and he sounds good in rehearsal. However, our hometown boy decided to nixay that song and do a number from OF COURSE George Strait’s movie Pure Country. (What they don’t say is that perhaps Scotty didn’t want to do a song from a movie that was X-rated back in the day, Midnight Cowboy.) Lessons learned from the studio: Don’t call Jimmy “dude” and will.is.quite.funny! On stage, it’s the same ol’ sweet Scotty in the same ol’ cute way. “I Cross My Heart” was a song that meant a lot to me back in the days that I had my angel daughter here on earth with me, so it makes me cry a bit. The sign “Grandmas for Scotty” in the audience cheers me up though. Jen goes “all Cee Lo Green” to the critics about the non-judging issue.
“My life is like watching The Three Stooges in Spanish!”
Next on the chat stools with Ryan is our favorite jazz man, Casey. He gives a plug to Café Aroma who has an alfredo dish named after him. For movie week, Casey wants to do an obscure Nat King Cole number called “Nature Boy.” This song’s been in a few movies including the tearjerker Untamed Heart. Jimmy and Will, along with some other random producer, try to talk Casey out of this nonsense. They want him to do a Phil Collins song instead. Because he’s so much cooler or whatever? After struggling with the decision, Casey decides to go with his instinct and do the Nat song. Jimmy’s pissed. On stage, our boy has a white upright bass and his rendition of the old song is wildly entertaining. Uh-mm! The judges and crowd tell the uber producers to stick it by giving him a standing ovation. Was it perfect? No. But it was perfectly Casey. We “hope that America got that,” as Jen says. I can’t wait to hear this song on iTunes.
“This is my apartment. Women don't come here.”
As Jimmy explains, Haley has been a slow starter who has grown a lot during this competition. Like any teenager, I loved me some Blondie back in the day and had all of their albums. I never knew that “Call Me” was from American Gigolo because I was fifteen and had no clue. (So much has changed from 30 years ago!) Tru and I both really like Haley, but I don’t think that Miss Hot Legs is doing anything to improve her bimbo status by doing a song from a movie of this nature. But “Call Me” old-fashioned. Her stained-glass patterned dress is one picometre away from revealing it all. (Remember the scandalous Kat McPhee wardrobe malfunction with the yellow dress? Those were the tame years.) Haley howls and growls as well as she ever does, and as always, I predict that the iTunes cut of this track will be worlds better. The “karaoke card” is gently played, but the judges don’t want another girl to go home, MAN!
Ryan points out the odd trio of Hank Azaria, Rob Reiner and Cassandra Peterson in the audience. Perhaps they are working on the animated “When Moe Met Elvira” romantic comedy/horror flick.
“Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?”
We are reminded that Jacob was in the bottom 3 last week, and Jimmy blames his silly comment about folks not wanting to look at themselves in the mirror. I suspect that when that segment was filmed, Jacob said “just kidding!” but that part was edited out. I am probably wrong though. Will Jacob preach to us again this week? The tag team of Jimmy Gump and his best good friend Bubba say, not with a corny song like “Impossible Dream.” Instead, the dapperly dressed Brother Lusk will do the Roberta Flack version of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” from the Will Smith movie The Pursuit of Happyness. Yes, this is the song that put Clay Aiken on the map, but that was a different day without Team Iovine. Jacob redeems himself and the audience can feel the Holy Spirit. They are on their feet going wild. A humble Jacob seems grateful for the judges’ comments and for gaining the adoration of fickle AI fans once again.
“I think... you're coming in a little high, man.”
Closing the show in the pimp spot is the “tenacious” rocker James. He was adamant about doing a Sammy Hagar song called “Heavy Metal” from an animated movie of the same name. The super producer HATES this song, and thankfully the increasingly worthwhile Will is there to keep Durbs and Iovine from coming to blows. James doesn’t come off looking very respectful, even though he swears he just wants to remain true to his music. So it’s heavy metal on the American Idol stage. I’ve been watching always and can’t remember anything like this. James even gets a bona fide guitarist on stage with him. Tru says he’s Zakk Wylde and played for Ozzy, so he is excellent. She’s not into James anymore though; she says he is too into himself. But aren’t rockers supposed to be that way? When James high fives a little boy in the audience, he officially becomes my pick to win. The judges seem to think so too.
Quotes:
Ryan: If you liked sax with Paul…
Will: Make them little cupcakes; make them like spaghettis and stuff.
Ryan: Wow look at the volume in Mom’s hair!
Will: Kill me already, the agony the agony!
Will: Jimmy called me ‘mama.’
Jen: You need to do this and you need to do that and you need to do that, but all I really want to say is ‘wow.’
Randy: The world cannot live by pop stars alone.
Steven: That thing you got on is gorgeous too.
James: I’m making arm bands and flyers – give metal a chance.
Steven: Nice lip to Jimmy there.
Recap time from CINEMA night and we’ve had representation from every genre imaginable. Kudos to the contestants who stood up to the professionals and did their own thang. Tomorrow night the awesome “premiere Idol” Kelly Clarkson will make a guest appearance. In the meantime, I will be updating my Netflix queue with some of the movies from tonight.
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