Have You Ever Seen the Top 9 Gently Weep?

The Top 9 boogie on out to the stage with Ryan, as he explains that this is not really “rock week” per se. The theme is Rock –n– Roll Hall of Fame, more specifically the “500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll.” Of course, he doesn’t actually say all of this, but we get the drift. (Limited song list; expect repeat-o song choices.)

The excitement builds as the judges cross the kaleidoscope stage. Can you imagine being in the Idoldome? Instant seizure from all those lights. I'd risk it!

Ryan tells us that we only have 90 minutes tonight, so let’s get the party started. Gwen Stefani is styling the ladies from her own fashion line. This should be a train wreck, er... I mean interesting.

For tonight’s episode, our very own Steven Tyler tells us about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame museum in Cleveland. You know, that city where Valerie B. and Betty White are hanging out now. The theme song from one of those CSI shows plays in the background as we learn that each year different artists are inducted and it’s all about preserving history for the children. Because they are our future.

The most important thing to know about the HOF is that Aerosmith was inducted about ten years ago. As “Sweet Emotion” plays in the background, Steven shows us all kinds of outfits that are almost as crazy as the shiny gold suit he's wearing. Then we see a bust of his screaming face and of course he gets weird with it. ST is over-the-top funny and entertaining as always but man oh man, he is both Aunt AND Uncle Creepy.

At the end of the segment, Steven applauds for himself by tapping the Coke glass. Poor Randy tries to get his attention to no avail. Is it because his shiny black jacket embarrassingly resembles a Hefty bag? Ryan seems to think so!

As the nine contestants come to the stage again, Ryan tells us that Jimmy Iovine had some help with the production work this week. Evidently will.i.am with the BEPs has been hired on full time. WTH? For Hall of Fame week, American Idol?  Did they get a discount rate or something?

I am not a hater of the BEPs; they have a couple of songs that I like. My Kid Tru loathes their music, mainly because the lyrics are made of suck. (Her words.) Just for aggravation, I am going to quote "Boom Boom Pow" throughout tonight's recap.  

So who’s "got that rock and roll? That future flow?" Let us begin…

First up in the spot of doom is Jacob, who is wearing all white for no apparent reason. He didn’t fit into the category of folks styled by Stefani, no matter what some folks think. We learn that Jacob was originally going to do that sexy Marvin Gaye song, but Brother Lusk is a church-goer. He doesn’t want to promote the nasty. So instead he is going to do... a Michael Jackson song. That’s better! Hard to tell what is more confusing: Will’s talk about Himalayas and submarines or Jacob’s “how to alienate voters in three simple steps” speech. At any rate, Jacob does a serviceable job of “Man in the Mirror” as we try not to giggle at his attempt to sexy dance. Somewhere Kris Allen is saying, at least he doesn’t try to “copy my swagger.” Steven is more excited about the backup singer, who looks like Naima in 20 years. She co-wrote the song, and it's cool to have her there. Lots of shouts of "I love you" and pride going out for the Lusky Stank.

Because she is a good listener and the judges have only said this a thousand times already, Haley will be rocking some Janis Joplin tonight. For her styling, Gwen put Haley’s finger in a light socket. That is some bigass hair she’s got. In the studio Will is quiet comical as he tries to explain to Haley how she needs to sing “Piece of My Heart” - like she’s getting mad wit’ it. I remember when Carrie did the Faith Hill version of this song; she got a beat down that week. But then again, our Checotah season four winner did not have the black leather leggings back then. Wow, that is some “next level visual shizz.” On stage, Haley brings exactly all the things that poor Casey has been told for weeks to NOT bring – yelling, growling, angry faces. Jen explains that it’s okay for girls to do this, and that Haley will "be around for a minute." Is that “the block” talk for "a while?" At any rate, I expect to enjoy the iTunes version of this Haley song.

So it must be said – Casey has lost some of the spark that made him our very favorite contestant early on. Tru and I still adore him but there has definitely been some air leaked out of his balloon. In the studio, Jimmy and Will talk Casey out of doing a Sting song (which was actually by The Police but that’s okay.) After nervous banter, the decision is made to go with “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” which is a much better song for him. On stage, he finally gets to perform with the upright bass again. Thank you Uncle Nigel for getting it out of storage. Casey’s performance is understated and he is clearly happy to “get that bass overload.” Not sure where Ryan went, but Casey stands alone to listen to the judges. They think he’s revolutionary and a real musician. Jen wants to pay top dollar to hear him on the front row. My sentiments exactly. And look, here comes Ryan just in time to mention that dang save again. Let. It. Go.

Although lovely Lauren is neither natural (based on those dark roots) nor a woman (she just turned 16), for no particular reason she is doing “Natural Woman.” Maybe in the “future cybertron,” but not now. Kelly Clarkson wasn’t too much older when she did this song back in her season. In the studio, Will explains that the combo of country and soul is C-O-U-N-T-R-O-U-L. Lauren digs this because she is trying to gain confidence and reclaim the personality that has been stolen from her by cyber bullies. Our prediction is that she will sing the ever-loving mess out of this song but not connect with the words she is singing one bit. Word and word on both. We’re like, linked in with Miss Cleo or something. Doesn’t take tarot cards to read that the judges will love her and that she will mumble incoherently after their review. We won’t even go into how terrible the styling by Gwen was, because there is No Doubt. See, I made a punny.

Tru is not amused by any of my nonsense and has about had it with both me and the show now. She's not impressed with the third appearance by the "professional" auto-tune BEP. Plus, she is disappointed at how sad ST always seems to be lately.

Not even Christian Slater in the audience can cheer her up. When she sees him she thinks of the movie Heathers and “Dear Diary, my teen-angst BS now has a body count.” Actually, that fits right in with this season of AI in several ways. We can ponder them during the commercials that star J.Lo.

Because we have some time to kill, or maybe they need to set up the stage for James, we have the "Seacrest Chats with the Judges" segment. Either everyone is high or we are totally missing out on some strange inside jokes. Poor Randy is once again third wheel. All the way to the bank, but still.

James is going to surprise everyone with how mellow he can be by doing “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”  It’s a good thing that the powers that run Idol got that Beatles catalog; they are getting their money’s worth. James explains his intentions to the producers, but Will just rambles on about different colors and I think he is quoting lyrics to some BEP song maybe? No matter, because James does a fine job on the song. It is not perfect, he misses a few notes, but he is a performer with a capital P. On that last note he sounded like he was “stepping on leprechauns.” I can’t wait to hear his iTunes version of this song. The judges are glad he stopped running around long enough to find the other dimension inside of him. James gets emotional which seems on cue, but that may be because I am jaded. Do not understand his comment about his "own version" of this song, but Tru says it’s on YouTube. (Things to google later.)

We are reminded of the cute pictures of Scotty in his Elvis Halloween costume when he was a kid. He’s doing “That’s All Right Mama” and he is still too young to understand that Jimmy and Will are messin’ with him in the studio. They will think about this in a couple of years when Scotty is winning the Academy of Country music award for Entertainer of the Year. (What? Stranger things have happened, just ask Taylor Swift.) Anyway, tonight Scotty is out to prove that he has a different side, an EDGE if you will. He starts out on the staircase again, then mosies down to the audience. To add to his trademark sideways mic-holding, he has learned the chicken-arm side-step from Paul. But this is not a terrible thing. We call shenanigans on the stampeding of teen girls to the stage. Security! The hometown boy has “got that hit that beat the block” and the judges agree. Jen even says he has some hip-hop flavor. Now Ryan wants fans too.

The aforementioned actor Christian Slater has a new Fox show, so he is required by law to make a “look at me I’m in the audience of American Idol” appearance. The new show also stars the guy from Reaper, a short-lived sci-fi/comedy that Tru and I both liked. (I think we’re the only ones who’ve ever heard of it but that is how we roll most of the time.)

Incidentally, both Christian and his cute daughter are fans of Pia, who is up next. Pia already told us last week that she was going to do “River Deep Mountain High” tonight. It’s the Ike and Tina Turner song about rag dolls and puppies, one they did before all the beatings started. (Men who hit women should go to prison for life and have a 10-foot tall boyfriend named Bubba, but that is a soapbox for a different day.) For now we have Pia in the studio, singing beautifully as always. The producers want her to show some power and wow factor and not put us all to sleep. When we see her on stage tonight, it becomes official that Gwen hates American Idol. Girl, that outfit is so “2000 and late.” Not her best look. But “do we love her, my oh my?” Yes, say the judges, but as always they want to keep pushing her further. ST says that a million guys are having drinks about her and someone shouts out “sex on the beach.” Awwkwaard.

Speaking of awkwardness, Todd Rundgren is in the audience and there is a history between “Randy’s friend” and his fellow judge Steven. Hollywood really is a small town, yes?

Cutie pie Stefano has something to prove tonight so he will be singing “When a Man Loves a Woman.” Not the sad movie where Meg Ryan is an alcoholic but her husband Andy Garcia loves her anyway. And hopefully not the Michael Bolton version. In the studio, Will tries to demonstrate that he isn’t just some overrated playa, he really is here to help the contestants busta move. Also, Ryan Tedder (“Apologize”) is on hand to help produce the track. On stage Stef starts on the stairs and begins the song in falsetto. It is not my favorite sound for him. My puppy has fled the room by the time Stef rises, which is not a good sign. At least he looks stylish in the black suit and glittery silver tie. By the end he works it out and proves it wasn’t “that low-fi stupid eight bit.” Jen thinks it’s magical, then she and Randy almost come to blows during his critique. ST says that they have to agree to disagree, and we learn that Stef punches air to relax.

If American Idol doesn’t work out for Paul, then perhaps he could nab a role as Bradley Cooper’s younger brother in the next Hangover movie. Tonight he will be performing the Johnny Cash classic “Folsom Prison Blues.” Jimmy tells him that he needs to sing it like he is out of her effing mind, like he’s the ghost of Joaquin Phoenix’s career. He needs to make his hair messy but there is not time for a water break! Now on stage with two other musicians, Paul is more in his element. He is used to singing in a band so the interaction helps his performance. Clearly in his comfort zone, he’s on the “supersonic boom.” I still can’t listen to his iTunes tracks; watching him is easier because he is pretty to the eyes. But the smiling through a song about killing a man to watch him die equals creep factor. No wonder ST likes him so much. My Kid Tru and Randy have three words “I LOVED IT.” Me and the pup, not as much, but that’s okay. (Agree to disagree.)

Ryan closes the show with an up tempo old-fashioned hoe down. That boy has no rhythm at all, bless his heart.

Recap time -  who had “da beat dat bounce” tonight? They have finished early, but Seacrest has a backup plan (no not the J.Lo movie.) As the contestants continue the impromptu dance fest, Ryan quizzes the judges again on their thoughts. They don’t really have any, but it's finally mercifully time for Breaking In. Whew.

Quotes:

Steven: I wonder if this will put an end to “aren’t you Mick Jagger?”

Randy: There were moments ALL OVER that!

Ryan: So what did you envision your boyfriend will.i.am doing wrong, 'cause you were pissed!

Steven: Murderer! Murderer! You killed it.

Jimmy: That’s why God made remotes.

Tomorrow night one of them will go home. Can’t say that any of them bombed too terribly, so it’s anyone’s game at this point. There’ll be a special guest performance by that Constantine guy from season four, and Ryan promises more surprises. 'Til then... keep on “rockin’ dem beats.”