The Top 7 of the 21st Century

We flash back to January when Scotty, Haley, Stefano, James, Jacob, Lauren, and Casey were just faces in a crowd of thousands. Now they are THE Top Seven and get “Firework” as background music to their montage. This would be more special except that it’s the preview song for every other TV show or movie made these days. Hollywood must have received a discount rate on that very annoying song.

When the judges arrive we see that J.Lo has borrowed a romper from her little girl’s closet and added some sparkles to it. It may be to overshadow the awful attire that the man judges are wearing.

The theme this week is Songs from the 21^st Century, a.k.a. the decade the music died. The invasion of crapfestiveness galore. Glancing through the 750 or so songs in my iTunes, there are only about a dozen from the aughts. The only good thing that the past 10 ½ years has brought me musically is the discovery of Contemporary Christian music. If you want to hear some good singing, the kind that raises “goosies,” just listen to the incredible voice of Todd Agnew. But I digress…

Ryan tells us that we are in for a treat. The six contestants that have been eliminated so far – the “Eliminati” if you will – take the stage and man they are pee oh’d. They’re P!nk with frustration as they do her fun song “So What.” Naima is doing some kind of aerobics but this has always been her style. Karen and Pia prove they can sexy-up their look as good as the next pop tartlet. Ashton and Thia are a faint memory. Paul has not changed clothes since last week and has completely lost his voice. They’re "gonna get in trouble" and "start a fight." I so don’t believe it, what? They "got the rock moves." If you say so (what.) When it’s over, Steven pretends to remember knowing any of them.

As part of each pre-package, this week the contestants tell tall tales about each other. Scotty is up first; they open with him a lot, what is up with that? So that the ‘tweeners can still make bedtime I guess. The other Idolettes tease Scotty about his sideways mic holding. They must have forgotten about baby lock them doors. Good. Scotty is cheating a little bit on the theme tonight. Yes LeAnn Rimes did a cover of “Swinging,” but the original artist was John Anderson back in the early 80s. Jimmy tries to corrupt the teenage boy with talk of the Pussycat Dolls. Scotty sings the song as well as he ever sings anything ever. Thankfully he is not performing in a bikini, like LeAnn did on America's Got Talent. The judges have just about had it with him even though it was a fun performance. He should “boot scoot” more and get out of the safe box.

Next up is James who gets the chat stool with Ryan to talk about his hijinks. He has a Dr. House cane for no apparent reason. The others critique his rock horns, back-bending, highass voice and that centaur tail of his. Tonight James is doing “Uprising” by Muse. Of course he is. Jimmy is glad that he is doing a song with substance. My Kid Tru says “ooh will there be giant killer teddy bears on stage with him?” Sadly no, it’s a marching band, otherwise known as “they who get wedgies.” Thank you Durbs for making band cool. When he sings about how "we will be victorious," you believe it. He is a passionate performer but some of the highest notes are causing my puppy to flee. We learn from Randy during judge time that the lead singer of Muse dared James to do those elevations. Oh and Steven wants his Mad Max outfit back.

Silly Seacrest wants to get the show’s money’s worth out of the marching band. He even tries to lead their march into the next intro. Oh Ryan!

What can the fellow singers say about Haley? They pick on her about her arm-waving and the trademark growl. She is called everything from a sweetie pie to a brat. Very curious that there’s no comment from Casey. Everyone keeps talking about this Adele song “Rolling in the Deep” like it’s the second coming of power ballads. Will Haley be breaking dishes on stage like in the music video? Jimmy is confident that she will bring it; she just has to connect to the emotion of the lyrics. Haley starts out sitting on a stool in a pretty polka dotted red dress. She belts it like she really has a broken heart. It’s an incredible performance; she really does sound better when she just shuts up and sings. The judges agree that they like it when Haley puts her own flavor to a song, but she seems to be the only one they call out for pitch issues.

Jacob gets a Coke logo’d Seacrest Sit Down to talk about how it’s Luther Vandross’ birthday today. That’s special because he’s doing one of his songs tonight. According to the others, Jacob is a diva. And everybody said “amen!”  He denies this of course, in the way that the best divas do. He is doing Luther’s “Dance with My Father,” a song that won Mr. Vandross a Grammy the year before he died. This song has personal meaning for Jacob because he lost his dad at twelve. Jimmy can relate to this, so they have a bonding moment. Jacob looks stylish in the shiny suit but something seems to glitch at the beginning. He recovers and gives a solid, understated (for him) vocal. His Fantasia-esque lisp is more pronounced on this sad song. Two out of three judges love it, but Randy wants more over-the-topness.

I have no idea who the skint-head guy in the audience is, this Mark person. I need to get out more. Tru thinks he is connected to that "dancing with D-List celebrities" show. (Shrug.) At least he is a fellow Casey fan.

Casey doesn’t think that his Idol competitors will say anything bad about him, because he is that adorable. Everyone (including Casey) dons fake beards to talk about how weird he is, then he makes it funny as always. Tonight he’s doing a Maroon 5 song called “Harder to Breath.” Lead singer Adam Levine is one of the judges on The Voice; maybe this is AI’s way of saying "hello." Finally Casey and Jimmy are on the same page with song choice, and Casey even gets a fatherly peck from the uber producer. On stage Casey plays guitar and adds more of a rock flavor to the song. Tru loves the rocking Casey but I still like the jazzy Abrams better. Was his kiss on the cheek to Jennifer inspired by Jimmy’s? Why does Steven keep using Jen’s mic? These questions to be answered by ST’s bleeps and Ryan’s fake Casey beard.

Uncle Nigel has put ST in time-out because of the cursing. “So What?” Doesn’t he realize he is a rock star? He proves this by having his way with a magazine cover featuring Ryan. Awkward!

We learn more about Stefano being a big flirt than we ever needed to know. He sure is a cutie pie in the various fedoras and beanies. In the studio, Jimmy explains in foul language about sex and strutting and that the hot guys don’t have to beg to get the girls. Stef is doing “Closer” by Ne-Yo, one of those nonsense ditties that fry your brain. This was done as a group song the year of Glambert that Kris Allen won. (Poor Adam having to sing about a “her.”) Tonight Stefano is smoking hot in jeans and a black tee shirt. Not sure what the dangling suspenders are representing, but when he says he "just can’t stop," we believe it. Stef has come a long way since the early days of the show and has taken lessons from the Constantine school of eyeballing the camera. The judges are over the moon about his dancing “swag.”

Per Ryan, every member of every Fox show ever made is in the audience tonight. Also, ST’s heavily tattooed daughter Mia who put a big red lipstick kiss on his cheek. Jen is not the only one getting smoochies.

It’s no surprise that her fellow contestants tease Lauren about her southern accent, but we also learn that she is a talker. Scotty is really funny in this segment. In the studio, Jimmy is concerned that Lauren is holding back so he brings in Rock Mafia to assist. They are the producers who created Miley Cyrus. Hopefully there will be no pole dancing this evening. Tonight Lauren is doing the song “Born to Fly” from the platinum album by Sarah Evans. Lauren sings as well as always and looks adorable in cowgirl outfit number 47. Tru is more impressed with the cute fiddle player on stage with the lucky teenager. While there was nothing particularly wrong with Lauren’s performance, the judges give her a beat down for being safe and not kicking butt like they know she can. “Practice singing in the shower,” says Ms. Lopez. "Deer in headlight" is the response.

Quotes from tonight:

Scotty: Who doesn’t want to hold a mic like a flute? I think it has character.

Steven: Run a little, like you did from your last girlfriend.

Lauren: There’s 15 million little girls pointing their finger at Randy right now.

Haley: He left his mark on that bad boy.

Jen: Casey’s got soft lips!

Ryan: The wheels have fallen off this program.

Jacob: If he finds out it may potentially have estrogen in it, he will flirt with a piece of paper.

After the recap we still have time for commentary from the Judgery. Jennifer pronounces that the competition has just gone crazy. Steven mumbles something about Casey but we’re not sure what it means. Randy says that everyone should be in it to win it, duh.

Ryan tells us that tomorrow night the guests will include that pop tartlet with the annoying songs, Katy Whatever. #1 on the charts right now, which means less than nothing to us. As Tru says, that just means it sucks even more because people will listen to anything, especially if it's showing boobs. (She cracks me up!)

Also appearing tomorrow evening, our very favorite Idol winner - David Cook! ‘Til then, I will be listening to David’s acoustic version of the Adele song over and over. This reaffirms my faith in popular music from the 21^st century.