“The Time Has Come” for America to Finally Get it Right

April 18, 2007

All together now, to the tune of “99 Bottles of Beer:”

“60 minutes of bored with this show
60 minutes of bored
Only takes one of those minutes for someone to go
59 minutes of bored with this show.”

The clock is ticking, America. We only have seven contestants left standing and to be quite honest, I am ready for the madness to end. My Kid reminds me that I do not have to watch, no one is forcing me. But no one is making me eat that box of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins either, but I just can not seem to help myself. It is an addiction and I sincerely need some sort of medication. An anti-AI-biotic maybe?

But here we are, living in the now and it’s time for the well-padded Results Show. I have been working on PowerPoint slide-shows for most of the day, so my mind is still stuck in “bullet” mode. So tonight’s recap will be done presentation style.

Intro

· Camera pans the final 7
· “Is your favorite safe?”
· Ryan gives Sanjaya the “cartoonish look”

Judges

· Simon explains the eye-rolling
o It was not meant to be disrespectful
o He did not hear what Chris was saying
o Freakin’ back-up footage is shown as “evidence”
· Paula tries to give a lesson in active listening

Recaps

· Jordin soars to new heights and you oughta see her fly
· LaKisha takes on Carrie and it’s like a “hamburger for breakfast”
· Phil kicks off his shoes and runs in barefeet and country is his thang
· Melinda is a girl in a 4 wheel drive who knows how to pick the right songs
· Blake does not know where to go to make Simon jump out of his chair
· Chris dreams of Mayberry in a nasally tiny way on purpose
· Sanjaya gave us ALL something to talk about and rattles Ryan’s cage

Useless Filler Fodder

· Fan-on-the-street interviews with Ryan
· The Top 7 sing “I’m All Right”
· Dial Idol that Gina is the rocker, duh
· The contestants reveal what songs are on their iPods and CD players
· Some chick named Fergie sings. (I don’t think she is the Fergie who was married to Prince Charles’s brother.)

· The fake Ford commercial has a "Spy" vibe with trenchcoats and running
· Idol Gives Back info and updates
· I go into a coma

Bottom Three

· First group of 3: Sanjaya, LaKisha, Blake
· Second group of 3: Phil, Jordin, Chris
· Melinda is the leftover and she is safe
· Melinda is told to chose between the 2 groups
o TIIC pulled this lame stunt on Taylor last year
o Unlike Taylor, Melinda chooses to sit in the middle
o Mindy Doo is the most AWESOME contestant ever!
· Ryan tells Mel to slide to the left ("everything you own in the box to the left")
· Blake is in the bottom 3 and the judges are ticked!

Useless Filler Fodder Part 2

· DreamWorks visit for behind the scenes look at Shrek the Third
o I love Shrek!!!
o They meet some famous producer guy
o They get to do fake voiceover work and other cool stuff
o They meet the dad from Spy Kids! (And he’s in the audience tonight with his highly botoxed wife.)

Martina McBride

· She is introduced by the Shrek producer guy
· She looks very pretty and sings well
· The song is slow and kinda boring
· But she is a superstar with an actual GREAT voice and could teach the Gwens and Jens of the entertainment industry how it’s done
· Her daughter makes cute and funny banter with Ryan

Results

· Will it be Sanjaya, LaKisha, or Blake?
· I bet My Hubby ten bucks that it will be LaKisha (because of the Mandisa country fiasco last year)
· I want to see the movie Disturbia (but I digress)
· Sanjaya is finally mercifully outta here
· Thank the loving Lord we hear “going home” for Malakar
· San cries a bucket of tears as we are reminded of his infamous hairdos
· My Kid sheds a tear over His Adorableness
· I actually kinda like the guy now that he’s out…
· Blake wipes away Kiki’s tears…
· Sanjaya gives us “something to talk about ... other than hair”

{Display American Idol logo slide here for THE END}