April 25, 2007
Tonight promises to be the Biggest Night in American Idol History. Lots of guest stars and more footage of Famous People Doing Good Deeds. Too bad they couldn’t get Sally Struthers; she has been telling us this stuff for years.
Right off the bat Ryan flubs his lines as the all-in-white clad contestants look on. Well, at least he shaved, they are probably thinking.
When Ryan says that we are in for the most SHOCKING results in idol history, I scoff. Nothing beats the Daughtry elimination, dude. And we have two whole hours to go until we find out who is going to be leaving.
The judges are dressed for the prom; well, if your prom had a Saturday Night Live theme. For tonight’s special event Simon and Randy are sporting jackets and Paula is wearing massive cleavage.
Ryan introduces Ellen Degeneres who is hosting the event from the Disney concert hall in Florida. She is funny and delightful even though I just do not get that lesbo stuff. “It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing,” know what I mean?
First up is Earth Wind and Fire who perform a medley of their hits. Since this band is even before my time, now is a good time to go pop some corn. And some Milk Duds too, please; we are in for a long long show.
Randy discusses Hurricane Katrina and they show The Dawg going back to his home state. My truck driver Hubby has seen the results of poverty ravaged states all over the country and he gets a bit misty-eyed, especially when they show footage of the children. The best thing about kids, they are resilient and don’t let life get them down. They are so precious.
Quincy Jones, who produced “We are the World” 20 some years ago, has written a special song for the children of Africa. We see him practicing with the kids and then they perform the song “Time to Care” against the backdrop of more footage of beautiful, sad, poor children. Quincy is there directing the band. This is the very best group song in the history of American Idol. They should have Quincy Jones on every year.
Next we have a couple of TV stars tooting the Idol charity telephone number and a shot of Sanjaya & Sis in the audience. I thought that he is out doing talk shows.
Ben Stiller, star of one of my favorite movies, Night at the Museum, says that he is going to start singing and will not stop until 200 million dollars is raised. He is so funny and doesn’t do too badly on the Styx song, but then again it’s Styx…
More footage of Ryan and Simon’s African trip and we are once again reminded of how wonderful and precious these children are in spite of their horrendous living conditions. Not to get all Michael Savage, but while watching this I can not help but wonder why these people keep having children that they can not feed??? Why not send some Ortho Tri-Cyclen or some Trojans in with the food and other supplies? Just saying. At any rate, I am moved to go to the AI web page and donate.
Okay the Ben Stiller thing is now getting old. I like him better with animated dinosaur skeletons and miniature Cowboys & Indians.
Now we have a cameo appearance from the Corpse Bride, no wait it is Teri Hatcher, Ryan’s ex and a Desperate Housewife.
Forest Whiteker, who just won an Oscar, gives a shout out to the show too. (Every time I see Forest, I can’t help but think of that “Dil is really a guy!!” movie.)
It’s a different kind of “crying game” as Ryan starts the “are you safe” countdown, in random order. Melinda is safe, which rules out the “most shocking results” theory.
Paula takes a trip to the Boys and Girls Club and does interviews with the workers and the kids. It is very sad and poignant at the same time. My Kid tries not to let us see her wipe a tear but we all know she is a softie.
Ellen channels her inner Abdul by mumbling something about the 20 in your coat pocket that you don’t remember. Then Il Divo starts to sing and after three notes of that, I am outta here. Just not into that long-haired music as my granny used to call it. Don’t care that this is Simon's pet project.
Dr. Phil tells us that “you will never stand taller than when you stoop to help a child.” Awww. I like Dr. Phil better when he’s portrayed by Rich Little. Oooh, and it’s Dr. House with his authentic British accent. That is so weird.
Ryan asks a member of the studio “all-dience” to come up to introduce the next act. And look! It’s Jack Black! He pushes “Cresty” away as he explains that he wants to sing and be judged by our very own panel. He proceeds to sing “Kiss From a Rose” on the ring?? Hmm, thought it was kiss from a rose on the grave? My Kid says that its actually from the grey. No matter, since Jack is super hilarious and even Paula gets in on the comedy by telling him that “School of Rock called - they want their diploma back.” But Seal is there and he tells him that it was good. Jack skips off the stage singing “The Greatest Love of All.” Classic.
Next we learn that Blake is safe and My Kid is ecstatic. Now I am confused. If tonight’s vote off is going to be the most shocking ever, it would mean that Melinda, Blake or Jordin will be going home. Mindy Doo and Beat Box are safe so we are down to Jordin. Now I’m getting nervous.
Carrie Underwood, who is too gorgeous to even be real, sings The Pretenders song that Gina did earlier this season. She is surrounded by sweet African children during “I’ll Stand By You.” The words to this song take on a more special meaning in this video.
Ellen cracks on Sanjaya before introducing Rascal Flatts. My Kid loves this group but it is just a bit too nasally for me (sorry Chris R.) so now is a good time to take the dogs out. Oh dear Lord, it is still going when we get back. My Kid is goo-goo eyeing the guitar player.
Myspace is plugged again and My Kid says “Thanks Tom, for giving stalkers a vast playground.” She is just sour graping since she is forbidden to have a myspace account and is still bitter.
Paula narrates the video of the trip to the Appalachian Mountains. Just learning how to read is a struggle to these poor kids but they are white, so quite frankly nobody cares. No bandwagon to get on there folks, so move it along. Sorry to say it, but facts are facts y’all.
A “very special” Ford video with the kids singing “Crazy Little Thing Called Love” and ending up a the drive-in theater (a’la Taylor and Kat last year.) Then it’s 36 stars jamming and lip syncing to “Staying Alive.” The ones that I recognize are: the super skinny gal from the Pirates movies, Teri Hatcher, Rob Lowe, Goldie Hawn, some basketball player, Ross from Friends, Brad Pitt's ex-girlfriend, House!, a British actress, the baked-beans-throwing Hugh Grant, Buffy!!, Shaq, Dr. Phil, our very own Seacrest, the lady who played The Queen, those blue guys, JLo's hubby, Phoebe from Friends, a couple of SNL guys, is that the Scrubs dude?, a Monkee, the Will & Grace guy, Kirstie Alley, Kevin Bacon, ooh was that Dana Scully!?, and Miss Piggy.
The only thing I get from this right mess is that Rob Lowe is still gorgeous and this question - why the bleeding H are most H’wood actresses so war camp refugee skinny? They look more ravaged than some of the African kids in the clips.
We are reminded that AI and iTunes are dating, and then Ryan tells Phil that he is safe. That is 3 down and 3 to go.
While Snow Patrol’s song plays in the background, we are shown more footage of the Seacrest/Cowell trip to Africa. So very sad as an AIDS patient dies and Ryan and Simon cry. At this point I have pretty much had it. Okay so this show is giving back. Yay, 5 million bucks so far, big whoop. This show makes 30 million a WEEK so big freaking @$$ whoop.
A very serious Ellen donates 100 grand and gets teary. She introduces Josh Groban who sings the “You Raise Me Up” song backed by an African Children’s Choir. I still like the Selah version of this song better but oh well… this performance is very profound and moving. The childrens’ smiles light up the auditorium.
We are now introduced to some more reps from some filthy stinking rich companies. It is not impressive so far that multi-billionaires are donating what renders to be pocket change. It’s like me putting a quarter in the offering plate on Sunday morning and calling it my weekly tithe. Pleazzzzzzze.
Next we have a bevy of stars revealing how many funerals they have been to, including Chris Daughtry who has attended four. This segues to an elderly gentlemen who has been to 208 funerals. We are back in Africa and Ryan is telling us about the malaria epidemic. It is tragic how many children die, and it seems so unfair. I say to My Hubby why do they keep having kids that they can not feed??? And he says that it is their culture and the children are all they have. So sad.
Ellen introduces Kelly Clarkson, who for some reason is wearing a muumuu. What is up with that? She is a striking gal and has a great voice. I don’t know the song she is singing, “Up to the Mountain;” it is slow and bluesy. Kelly reminds me of a young Linda Ronstadt, my all-time favorite musical artist in the world.
By this point, at my house, we are all worn out. My Kid teases me that I am more upset about the potential losing of Jordin than I am about world hunger. I tell her to hush up and go make more popcorn.
More Ben Stiller and then a Simpsons spoof. I don’t like the Simpsons but My Kid and Hubby do, so they enjoy this. Gotta admit that the Simon cartoon singing “Dontcha” was hysterical. And oh snap, a Dunkleman joke.
More corporations are plugged blah blah blah and then we find out that LaKisha is safe. Crap this leaves Chris and Jordin. Ryan said that this will be a SHOCKING results show. Chris leaving will not be shocking so this means… crap!
Randy talks about school supplies or something for kids, not sure, I am too upset about Jordin to listen. I really really do care about poor children, I really do. Promise. I am donating. Really. But what about JORDIN!!!???
Ryan has been given a flux capacitator, created a time machine and has taken Celine Dion along for the ride back to 1968. What else can explain how Celine is singing a duet with Elvis, who really looks as if he is on stage with her. Truth is, there is a double on stage and they are CGI-ing the Elvis images in. Darn! And I was thinking that we were watching Back to the Future Part 4.
This segment is odd for several reasons. The Elvis hologram reminds me of Al in Quantum Leap. And isn’t this the song that Elliott sang during Elvis week last year? Seems like they could have brought him back, but oh yeah, he is a real person and we can’t have that. The six white clad idols stand in the background and oh wait now we have seven. Sanjaya, is that you? My Kid and I try to figure it out but the Hubby doesn’t care as he is too busy checking out Celine’s tushy. Men!
Ryan keeps talking about how you can download this stuff from iTunes and pay for it. But I happen to know that you can get it for free as well. Just keep the show on the DVR, duh.
Madonna, Ms. Blasphemy herself mumbles something about helping kids, but I don’t care what she says; I am done with her. After that sacrilegious crucifixion display, I threw out all of her CDs. That’s a shame too, since I have always liked her music. Oh well, moving on…
Commercials… oooh oooh the next ep of 24 is featuring technology by the company I work for!!! YAY!!
Ryan tells us that we are already at 30 million dollars which is so great. This number will probably double once the show hits the left coast. Then it’s Dial Idol that Taylor won last year, no duh. Wonder if this week’s text message revenue will go to the charity?
Ellen introduces Annie Lennox and I wish she was singing “Sweet Dreams” are made of this, which My Kid and I like to do on karaoke. But she doesn’t, it’s something slow and sad. It’s the song that Clay Aiken brought back to life, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters.”
We see a montage of sweet little kids saying “thank you” to tug at the heartstrings a little bit more. Got to get that last ounce of teardrops from us.
So now the final results are in… Chris is safe which means… wait … Jordin is safe too. THANK GOD!!! It was a psych out. No elimination during charity week!!!! Jordin hugs and cries and cries and hugs. Ryan says that next week two contestants will go home.
Just when you think it’s all over, Bono practices with the kids on a song called “American Prayer.” http://www.one.org/ is touted on the screen as it has been all night. The white bracelets worn by everyone are a “one” thing. Of course, my DVR runs out just as the contestants start to sing the Bono song. But no worries, it will be available for download on (you got it) iTunes.
Tonight’s show has left me physically and mentally exhausted as well as challenged to reach out with a giving spirit. Just as TPTB intended. But I do have one question about tonight’s star studded highly touted event: where the heck were Gwen, Pink, and Harry Potter???
Ah well, at least the movers & shakers of the number one show in history have for once used their immense powers for the good.
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