“Trois airs pour le trio”

5/16/06
There is something wrong with this picture... what could it be? Oh yeah, there's no Chris here! We received this latest TV Guide yesterday with the Top 3 on the cover. Big freakin' whoop. I adore Elliott, Kat is beautiful, and Taylor is a hoot. But none of them are bald, sexy, or wildfire smoldering hot with a touch of class and a hint of wicked slyness. Oh my and heavy heavy sigh.

The Kid is still beside herself about the loss of Chris, and talks about him as if he has passed on into the great beyond. “In Loving Memory” and all that. Last week, she bought a straw cowboy hat that she calls her “Chris hat.” It is similar to the hat Chris wore at the Denver audition. I keep telling her that it will get all bent if she keeps sleeping in it, but oh well…

I just can't get excited at all about tonight's show. And I have lost one of my viewing buddies – yep, The Kid. She says that she wouldn't watch it if ya paid her by the minute. And she is very serious about her lack of money-having, so she means business. As soon as she hears the AI theme music, she gets up and states firmly that she and her “Chris hat” are going to go watch Nickelodeon in the other room. She also mentions something about throwing darts at Kat’s TV Guide picture, but I confiscate it just in time. Whew! For the grazillionth time, I explain to The Kid that it is NOT Katharine’s fault that Chris is off the show. But being almost-14, she is not responsive to common sense or wisdom at all.

So, to match The Kid’s mood… tonight I am fully prepared to resent everyone and everything. Right off the bat, a smug Ryan reminds us that Chris is gone “neh neh” and I want to pull the stubble right off his chin. Tonight, he is wearing a suit that looks gayer than Tom Hanks’ Da Vinci hairdo. During these first few minutes, I am totally not following my own advice to The Kid.

At any rate, our leftovers… Elliott, Kat, and Taylor will perform 3 songs each tonight. One chosen by that trillion-year-old producer guy (Clive Davis), one chosen by a judge, and one chosen by the contestant. Mewonders which song will suck the most? I am laying bets on the last one, Contestant's Choice.

Before we get started we are told how Clive Davis was around when rock music was played with real rocks. And that he has produced many many stars, some known for their great singing talents, and others known for being white trash sluts married to K-Feds.

Round One…

First up, Mr. Davis (who is dressed in bright blue Papa Smurf) talks to Elliott about the song he has picked for him, “Open Arms” by Journey. E-Double was just a little bitty boy when this song came out, but he pretends that he has heard of it just to make the old guy happy. You can sure tell that he is out of his comfort zone when he sings this song tonight. His voice is good, but he has the deer-in-the-headlight eyes and cardboard cutout stance. He makes this cheesy 80s song his own though, bless his heart. Judges are stupid, telling him that he’s not all that and needs to step it up a bit. Fine, whatever.

Next is Katharine, who is singing “I Believe I Can Fly,” a tune infamous for its artist’s underage-girl shenanigans and its rampant use at high school graduations. Clive tells Kat that she needs to develop a style that is all her own and she’s like ... okay whatever. Even though I love Katharine’s voice, it feels like she is not even trying on this song. Or maybe she is trying too hard? I can’t figure it out. She is all over the place with it, like the talent portion of a beauty pageant. (I expect her to say, “World Peace, Stan!” a'la Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.) My Kid did this song better when she sang it at Pre-K graduation, for pete's sake. The Hubby likes the blue satin dress that Kat’s wearing though, and I have my very own Pickler moment admiring the silver shoes. Judges criticize her song choice and Kat has a true Up Yours moment when she screeches, “But I didn’t pick the song!” Hysterical.

Lastly, Clive tells Taylor that he wants him to sing “Dancing in the Dark” and he wants so badly for him to really understand and interpret the lyrics. Then Taylor and Clive go all “this-is-obviously-being-read-from-cue-cards” as they discuss getting clearance on a Springsteen song for the first time ever. On stage, Taylor sings this song as if an army is holding machine guns at him, trained to fire at the first indication of missing a note. It is very strange and tense. He is blinky and dorkified. Again, methinks that he is trying too hard. So cool though, how Paula got to play the Courtney Cox dancing role for all of half a second. Judges for the most part thought it was pretty darn good and Paula needs some tape to hold her boobs up. Or something.

Round Two…

Evidently, each of the final three went back home for heroic visits last week. Much fanfare ensued, it was all captured on film, and we will see more of it tomorrow night.

Tonight, a clip is shown of the governor of Richmond announcing to Elliott that Paula has chosen “What You Won’t Do For Love,” yet another song that E-Double will have to learn this week. Tonight, Ryan asks her why she chose that song and after blah blah yada yada something or utter, she explains that it fits his voice. Which it does, to a wonderful T. Elliott is absolutely fabulous on this song, I loooove it! He seems more at ease while performing this one, too. And the dark blue is an excellent color for him. Elliott has come a long way from the Soggy Bottom Boy that he was four months ago. Judges say that he was great, at least that is all that my ears will accept from any of ‘em. Hmmp.

Next, a clip of Katharine being told by the mayor of L.A. (what, no Ahnuld?) that her song, chosen by Simon, is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and you can tell that she is somewhere over the moon with excitement. This is her forte, her niche, her bread-and-butter. Which is exactly what Simon says when Ryan asks him what is the rhyme for his reason. Now onstage, Kat is one-part Bo (a cappella) one-part Fantasia (sitting on the floor) and 100 parts absolutely gorgeous (just being Kat.) This is her moment and she seizes it. She sings this song so beautifully that somewhere even Judy Garland is teary-eyed. WOW! Judges are peeing their pants with glee and hopefulness that maybe, just maybe Kat has redeemed herself.

After that hard act to follow… Taylor is shown via clip with the Gov’nah of Alerbamer. This is a fun governor, a hoot while he reads the message from Randy that his song will be the Joe Cocker classic, “You Are So Beautiful.” Randy explains to Ryan and all of us that something in the way Taylor moves is so beautiful in a Joe Cocker way, so hence this funky white boy song. Taylor proves that it is so darn hard for him to just stand there and SING, ‘cause you can sure tell that he is itchin’ to bust loose. And yep, thar he blows, letting out a big whooooo. And WTH is up with those Ted Bundy eyes, man? Scary. But all in all it’s rather nice and he sounds genuine (singing to the mirror) and it’s a good fit all around. Judges say that it was da bomb dawgs.

Round Three…

Whew! It’s like a never-ending show tonight. And I still keep waiting and waiting for Chris … dangit. Argh.

For his third song, Elliott has chosen an old Ray Charles tune that nobody has ever heard of called “I Believe to My Soul.” Now this is his element, the kind of song that I will play over and over when I get it from rickey tomorrow. I believe to my soul that this Amish-elf-meets-Tumnus is the 8th wonder of the world. He is so phenomenal, and I am left hoping that the lyrics are not prophetic, “you’re gonna look for me and I’ll be gone.” I especially liked the shout out to his own self, calling his name. Oh Nellie! Judges go ahead and say their good-byes ‘cause it is their guess that EY is going home tomorrow. Better to leave on a truly awesome note. May the Yamin Force be with you!

Keeping up the trend of “stuff the audience has never heard of and will not be able to relate to” - Kat’s third song is another oldie called “I’ve Got Nothing but the Blues.” She spouts to Ryan that she chose an old song, ‘cause like … now all you buttholes can’t be comparing me to other singers that are currently on the radio, so HA! It is another true Up Yours moment brought to you by McPhee, ladies and gentlemen. Not as good as Christina Ima-ho? So what? Can’t compare to Whitney Poor-people-smoke-crack? Aha! Who the heck cares, dudes? In your face! And wow, she is, man. My Hubby needs an oxygen tank when he sees Kat in the mini skirt and go-go boots. It’s so weird though, how she smiles her way through a song that is about having “the blues.” Such a Valley Girl, natch! Judges think she is so cute but kinda dumb doing a song like this and she’s like “la la la, I can’t hear you, la la la.”

Finally, it’s Taylor, and he has chosen the song, “Try a Little Tenderness” which for some reason reminds me of an A1 steak sauce commercial. This is the song that he wanted to sing during love song week but TIIC wouldn’t let him. There may have been a method to that madness, because this is finally! Taylor’s moment! The one that all of the USA has been waiting for! The Gray Charles captain of the Soul Patrol proves once and for all y’all that he can combine the good vocals with the freaky fun dancing and rock the joint out! It is so good, that I am now hoping that he wins this contest. Judges love it, love it, love it and go ahead and proclaim him the winner.

Thank goodness the show ended on a Taylor-made high note. My depression has been lifted somewhat. Now I can watch House and be happy.

General observations and other random thoughts…

I have to be honest - while I watched tonight’s show, it was half-heartedly. The other half-heart was busy downloading sexy pix of Chris for The Kid’s screensaver. Okay, yeah, and mine too.

As an AI addict, of course I read every article that I can get my eyeballs on, because I can not get enough. I even stoop to watching Idol Tonight sometimes, but please don’t tell.

However... even during the deepest depths of my obsession, I try to leave the message boards alone. I do not value the opinions of freaks, morons, half-wits, and "hatahs." And if I want a 7th grader's opinion I can ask the one I live with.

After reading the TV Guide article, which is a pretty trustworthy source, I am not so much feeling the luv for Katharine. She left me cold. To admit it would be subjecting myself to a world of hurt, but I gotta say The Kid was right. Can you say Pampered Princess in an overly muchness way?? She would definitely feel the pea under a hundred mattresses.

Who will get the boot tomorrow? I am thinking Elliott, but I have been wrong many many times. As much as I admire him, he is not a headliner; more of an opening act, albeit a fabulous one. I try to vote for him anyways, but the phone is busy the entire two hours.

Cuddy wants House so bad. (Wait, wrong show. Sorry.)

The countdown to the finale begins......

5/17/06

It’s going to take an entire hour tonight just to let us know that it’s … Yamin out! No shockers tonight. We got our bombshell last week, boys and girls, when David slew Goliath. Now whether the token David is Kat or Elliott is up for debate… at any rate, we gotta move on.

A beanied Ace and newly shorn Pickler are in the audience tonight and Ryan ribs them about being a “couple.” Ace’s fierce denials can be heard over the roar of the crowd. Soooo funny. Then Ryan tells us that 50 million votes were cast and that it’s a veddy veddy close race.

Stupid booing of The Wicked Witch of England (Ryan's words, tee hee) then it's recap time ... Elliott comes to us with open arms and Randy reminds us that he was in Journey. Katharine believes she can fly, but she “didn't pick it!” Even so, she “created a moment” for herself. Taylor's dancing in the dark with Paula who's “fantastic” for her age. Elliott asks what you won't do for love with “amazing soul.” Kat is somewhere over the rainbow and it's the “single best performance of the competition.” Taylor is all whoooooo! and it's a “great tender moment” and everyone's happy! E-Double riffing “when you know my name is Elliott Yamin!” Kat ain't got nothing but the blues but it's just “okay.” Taylor tries a little tenderness and that's “incredible.”

The Ford-mercial goes all Cocoon with the kids in old folks disguise. Except for Taylor, heh. Just kidding. They are doing some dumb rap junk, who cares what. Rap = Junk. Bottom line. Best line of the night - Ryan: “I didn't know Simon was having a party!”

Then they go on and on and on for a gazillion years about the latest X-Men movie. That same gal who asked Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” is there, along with some other Australian-sounding guy who is kinda rugged-cute. I really need to brush up on my pop culture and get with the program!

Anyway, it’s yawn city during the next several minutes, so I take this time to cook some homemade penne marinara. (Okay, homemade by Ragu and Barilla but I digress.)

It is Hometown Visit time, yay. Otherwise known as “Aunt Pearl gets all sniffly.” Especially since no one is coming back to NC dangit! Argh.

Taylor goes to meet Lt. Dan in Greenbo, ALABAMA! Actually I think it’s Birmingham. My truck driving Hubby says that there is a replica of the Statue of Liberty there, but they do not show it on the show tonight. Probably because it can not shout out “Soul Patrol” a crazillion times. At any rate, Taylor is in full blast spazz man mode during his visit home. Even jaded Me starts to feel the luv for the Hicks-man. Taylor is now my pick to win but only by default.

They are pimping the AI5 CD by having each contestant sing their cut from the album. Taylor Doobies it to the max on “Taking it to the Streets.” I thought it was so classy and cool that Taylor had Elliott and Kat dance with him.

Next is Katharine, a Valley Girl, I know right? Whatev! She goes somewhere and does something, I’m not really sure. Was in and out of consciousness. She valspeaks her way through an interview on a local news show. Quick question: do all of the female anchors in Cal-e-forn-yay look “rode hard and put up wet?” Just askin.’ Then she’s on a helicopter and her excitement is rather infectious, I have to admit.

On stage, Kat sings her cut from the AI5 CD, which is “Think” and she does a splendid job with it. Alas, after reading the TV Guide article, I don’t look at her the same anymore, which is a shame. Before, I saw a klutzy, manic, lovable lil’ gal who can sing her heiney off, but now… plastic as a “My Scene Bling Bling” Barbie doll. And what is the deal with wanting to go barefoot all the time? Can’t the stylists get her something comfy to wear? Snaaark.

Gavin DeGraw is in the house tonight! We saw him at the Avril concert last year and they were both great. Part of the 3% of “today's music” that I can tolerate.

Elliott is shown next and he proves once again and forever that he is so much more of an all around “good guy” than McPhee will ever be. He’s the Kim Possible to her Doctor Drakken. The Sydney Bristow to her Anna Espinosa. The Fox Mulder to her Cigarette Smoking Man. And so it goes… I cry a bucket of tears as I watch this guy. And it’s incredible how it seems that at least a zillion more folks show up at his event than at any of the others.

Tonight he sings his song from the CD, the fantastic “Moody’s Mood for Love,” the song that put him on the AI5 map. I had never heard this song pre-Elliott and there is no need to. No one can do this better than E-Double.

The pimping of the AI5 CD worked, 'cause I can't wait for it to come out. I will be at Wal-mart early the morning of the 23rd.

For some reason, they are now bringing the Tales from the Crypt guy out on stage. No wait, it’s Mr. Clive Davis. They are presenting him with an award and it’s all about ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching. Footage from Idols Past are shown, with Kelly C. playing the role of “Thumba-my-nose-at-ya-lina.” Heh. The ironic thing about this entire contest is that the first record that each winner does is not all that great. As Happy Bunny would say, “you suck and that’s sad.”

Finally… whew, did we think we’d ever get here? It’s “voted off the island” time. Ryan reveals that it was practically a 3-way tie. Wow. Everyone was 33 point something per cent. No one expected it to be this-close. After much suspense, Ryan finally says, “Open the case” (wah, wait wrong show.)

Drumroll… Elliott is the one going home tonight, as everyone on the planet knew. It’s okay though, Paula’s funky white boy is groovy.

Elliott and his precious mom are the best things to happen to this show, ever. His “had a bad day” video montage is inspiring and poignant. He “sings a song” to us as we watch him go from Delmar Tumnus to Superstar Hottie.

He makes the most valiant and dignified exit and could quite frankly teach Daughtry a thing or two about how to bow out gracefully. Please do not tell The Kid I said that, lest she break my legs.

He closes with last night's crystal ball line, “you will look for me and I'll be gone.” We will always know your name Elliott Yamin!

One more week y’all… so will a Yankee finally win? Kat’s place in the Top 2 disproves the whole “Left Coasters are too highbrow to vote” theory. Last year’s ‘Bama boy did not take the top prize home, but methinks that this year’s guy will be the victor.

Can I get a “Soul Patrol?”

The Final Four Swing Their Hips & Curl Their Lips

5/9/06
We are down to the Final Four and it’s ELVIS night! Even though I have never been a huge Elvis fan, I do think he had a great voice and was very handsome when he was younger. The movies he made sucked beyond the telling of it, but some of the movies made about him are pretty good. I have seen almost all of them at some point on Lifetime. And one of my favorite movies of all time is the one where a young Forrest Gump teaches Elvis how to dance. But I digress…

I was 12 when Elvis died and I remember it well. A news bulletin interrupted the show I was watching to announce the tragedy. I recall my mom going into the kitchen to be alone so she could cry. On that happy note…

The four remaining contestants are going to Memphis to visit the home of the King. Overheard on the way over – “Graceland, here we come baby”… “Birthplace of rock –n– roll…”

A seriously nipped/tucked Priscilla greets the idol-wannabes and then introduces them to Tommy “I Married Mariah” Mottola. He is actually kinda good-looking for an older dude (a.k.a. someone close to my age, tee hee!)

First up, Tommy works with Taylor on “Jailhouse Rock.” Tommy proves to that Foster guy from a couple weeks ago that you don’t have to be a prick to give good advice. Flash to now - Taylor palsies down the stairs of the audience looking less like Captain Kangaroo than usual. Nice outfit combo of burgundy/black. He is awesomely in his element even though the whatever-it-is around his neck (are they ear plugs?) is rather distracting. It does not faze him, as he does not miss a single note. The judges that are Not Evil agree. Taylor laughs in the face of “karaoke with a capital K.” Simon just does not want Taylor to win, but he may pull a fast one and take this thing! Funny moment when Simon says that Taylor’s performance wouldn’t work in the “real world.” Ryan to Simon: “Have you ever lived in the real world?” Touché!

Next, Chris impresses Tommy during his practice session of “Suspicious Minds.” I love that Chris is the one doing my favorite Elvis song. (Even though I like the Waylon/Jessi version of it better; the Wanted! The Outlaws album was my favorite when I was a kid.) So on stage, Chris is dressed for the ski slopes in a heavy jacket and sunglasses. Hey, did he borrow those from Bo? And if so, does he not remember what Simon said to him last year? Ah, the arrogance of youth; Chris is not learning from the mistakes of others. But anyway, he is doing good with the song, but not Waylon/Jessi good. Because, you know, heh, he can’t sing but so high. Of course, I can’t remain objective where Chris is concerned because he is like, The Man. The judges who are Not Wicked agree that Chris did a good job. Ryan asks Chris if he can borrow the jacket for his next trip to Aspen.

Everybody’s favorite Keebler elf is up next. Tommy is not so sure of Elliott but he is a kind record producer (just to prove it can be done) and he is not hypercritical. Elliott is out to prove himself tonight, yessir! I have never heard this song “If I Can Dream,” but it doesn’t matter because Elliott is remarkable as usual. He looks good tonight, in a hand-me-down suit that Ryan outgrew. Just kidding, ‘cause Ryan would not wear a wide tie. It must be a Yaminion thing. At any rate, climb aboard the E-Train of soul and enjoy the ride; it is smooth as silk. There is something about Elliott that makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy because he is super talented and has come so far from Richmond, VA to get where he is right now – the Final 4 of AI5. Sad because tomorrow will probably be his time to go. It doesn’t matter at this point; he is a star. And finally all three judges agree – tonight it’s Elliott turn to shine. Kudos to Ryan for also giving props to the E-man.

Saving the only gal for last… Katharine impresses Tommy during the practice session, but she is not slutty enough for his harem. Yeah, I know - snark. To prove that very fact, tonight she is wearing a sack-shirt. Also, Kat is combining two songs into a medley, “Hound Dog” and “All Shook Up.” Why? Not sure, as these songs do not go together. She must not have watched Sesame Street as a kid or else she would know these things. Okay, one song is the telling off of someone that you are getting rid of and the other is the excitement of being newly in love. Not a good match up. She sings the heck out of both songs, even though combined they don’t make sense. And she joins the Melissa McGhee hall of shame by flubbing a lyric. Big “uh oh” heard ‘round the world. Judges dis Kat six ways from Sunday, even though Paula liked her dancing. She just makes smiley faces at them, probably wondering if McMom still has that hit man’s phone number. Who cares at this point? Kat is a superstar in the making and should be making movies with Orlando Bloom.

Round Two…

Wow, Taylor is cute in a leather jacket. During pre-song Ryan banter he clears up the rumor about Lisa Marie - he did not ask the Elvis offspring out on a date. However, Tommy, if your calendar is open… nah, just kidding. The exchange of manly adoration between the two is quite adorable. On stage, he sings the worst Elvis song ever, “In the Ghetto.” I never liked this song because I just can’t picture Elvis in the ghetto… a run down shack in the woods maybe, but not the ghetto. This is a song for J.J. Evans to sing. Judges absolutely love Taylor now; they are all BFF!! Just to prove that Dan Brown is the devil and not him, Simon says that Taylor will make it to the finals. We are left with Taylor touretting “Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol.”

The adoration continues as Tommy praises Chris to the skies, as he should. ‘Cause not only does Chris have a great voice, tonight on stage he is smooo-king in a white see-through shirt. My Kid and I are too busy “oh my god’ing” at each other to even notice what song he is singing. It is “A Little Less Conversation” (Or is it a little more? Will have to look it up.) I can only say that I look forward to buying this guy’s CD, for the music as well as the pull-out poster, yay doggie. His voice on this song is real different, low and sexy, and his tone is rich, and did I say sexy? I need a defibrillator. Two out of three judges agree that Chris did great, and nobody really cares what the Brit says. Especially Chris, since he has a long career ahead of him whether he wins this thing or not. Just sayin.'

Tommy warms up to Elliott during their second practice session. Anyone made of human parts will be won over by the adorable one. On stage, Elliott joins Ryan in the “I’m not afraid of pink shirts” club. He is doing a song called “Trouble,” a number Carrie did last year. Elliott rocks the joint down on this song! His voice is incredible and he has such gorgeous eyes. However, there is no way in the world he will ever convince me that he is “bad,” no matter how many times he sings, “I’m evil.” Nope, not the delightful leprechaun. It’s unanimous with the judges – they say he is terrific, as they should. Evidently Paula was dancing during Elliott’s song, because Ryan says, “Did you see the moves that Paula was pulling off? I feel obligated to give her a dollar after that.” It was weirdly touching how Simon came to Paula’s defense.

Last but not least, Katharine is doing the classic “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” She is entertaining during her practice session with Tommy and we are all still left to wonder if he wants to add her to his posse. I would say no emphatically not. She is way too cool for him. On stage, Kat looks more beautiful than ever in a fitted and very stylish suit. The Hubby is glad to see that it looks like she’s showing a little belly tonight. Take that all ye morons who say the kitty Kat is fat. I so loathe the message boards with the heat of a thousand hells because of the idiots who dis this gal. On her worst night ever, she is a crazillion times better than the crapola on the radio right now. (“My hump, my hump! To-da-ay's music sucks!” I rest my case.) Even The Kid, who thinks that Kat is a pampered princess, does not agree that Kat is overweight at all, and that the detractors are just jealous. As for Kat's singing tonight, there is a 3-way split with the judges – Randy liked this better than the first song, Paula liked the previous fun Kat better, and Simon rips her a new one. Again. Then says something about apple pie. Whatever.

So during review time, it is evident that the real winner tonight is Elvis himself. No one can do his songs like he can. There is still only one “king.”

5/10/06

Ryan is once again sporting his best black-on-black suit from the Regis collection as he reminds us that we are soon to be down to just trois.

It was all about Elvis last night, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.

Recapping... Taylor jailhouse karaokes but comes back from the ghetto. Chris is suspicious about less conversation. Katharine is manic Broadway apple pie. Elliott's dreams come true 'cause he's evil trouble!

The Ford video tonight to “Wonderful World” is for the Hybrid and my very favorite muppet makes a cameo appearance - yay Kermit! And hands off him Kat, or Miss Piggy will hurt you.

Clips of the kids' trip to Graceland reveal the famous Jungle Room, a trizillion gold records, and the hugeass grave site. Oh, and that the role of Corpse Bride was played by Priscilla Presley. (Shiver and shudder with fright, brrrrr.)

Lisa Marie is rather pretty, and still looks like her dad. She actually gives the contestants the time of day, and a golf cart ride. Didn't she have her own singing career for like five minutes? How'd that work out for ya, LM? (Multi-crazillionaires, geesh! So wishy-washy.)

Our final four do a great job on the Elvis medley. The singing is even better than last night for the most part. The choreography though - not so good. I was a little worried there while all four were on the little ledge. And I needed some wine to go with the cheesy sing out to Paula. Ugh.

So in the audience tonight, is the pretty blonde gal who used to be married to John Stamos but is now engaged to some other guy, Jerry something. Gee, she traded down. At any rate, Ryan makes cute conversation with her (and by “cute” I mean totally staged and scripted) and she asks Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” again, pretty please? WTH??

Since he really doesn't have a choice, Taylor gets up and does his thang. I am distracted by his ill-fitting shirt that is buttoned so high that it seems to be cutting off his circulation. Loosen up dude!

Ryan asks Elliott to stand beside Taylor, with Chris and Katharine together and Ryan in the middle. One of these duos is the bottom two.

After 17 thousand hours of commercials, we finally learn that Chris and Kat are bottom feeders. Ryan spouts off about how Chris has been the contender since day one. Then ... with the quickness! Ryan reveals, “Chris-you-are-going-home-tonight-the-journey-ends-here-for-you.”
Now there are two things happening... there's the thing that's occuring onstage in Ho'wood right now, and there's the much more exciting event going on in my house.

In Ho'wood, everyone in the audience just drops into a dead faint. Chris is paralyzed with flabbergastment. Katharine has a series of strokes from the shock of still being in the running. Her McMom makes a quick call to cancel the hit man once again. Paramedics come in to resuscitate Simon who has collapsed. And Paula - well she just flatlines, never to recover. Film at 11. Meanwhile, Ryan is like “nah-nah-nah-nah, you thought you were gonna wi-innn.”

At my house, The Kid jumps up and runs faster than the speed of light to her room and slams the door. I am too distracted by all the slamming noises to realize what is happening on the TV. She proclaims that American Idol and everyone associated with it are “gay” (and evidently the definition of that word no longer has anything to do with sexual orientation, at least for middle schoolers. Who knew?)

On TV, Chris looks shocked and pissed. And pissed and shocked. Like someone just called his baby ugly. His video montage, which reminds us of the trizillion reasons that we love him so much, is set to the even sadder version of “Bad Day” and ends with Simon saying “Chris...Thank God for Chris.”

Then the bald rocker dude does an angry-man sing out before that stupidassed Unan1mous show breaks in. I am too shocked to move and will just have to take a break ... So so sad now.

Two hours later...

Am still in too much shock to move, think, or even blink, much less type. I keep telling myself: It is just a TV show.

Ladies and gentlemen... Daughtry has left the building.

Chris was voted off tonight. Those five words just DO NOT make sense.

My Kid has locked herself in her room and will not come out. She cries herself to sleep, which is really not too atypical for a young teenage drama queen. Right now, I feel worse for her than I do Chris. The Hubby thinks that The Kid and I are both crazy as loons for caring as much as we do. But he was never a big Chris fan, so he is kinda gloating which is not helping!

Repeat after me eleventy-five grazillion times:
It is just a TV show!!!

Whew! Now that I have had a couple of hours to think about it, this is actually a good thing. Now Chris will not be tied down to a totally suckful 19E contract. The E stands for Evil, right? Plus, rumor mill has it that Fuel wants him for their lead singer Right Now. So he is better off.

Truly. No, I mean it, f'real. No sour grapes here. Nosiree.

It is just a TV show!!! Heavy heavy sigh...

Five Alive Do Two Apiece

5/2/06
Tonight we are down to 5… a number you can count on just one hand. And we still have an hour to fill (37 minutes not counting commercials) so this means each contestant gets to sing two songs tonight. Yay!

The first song will be from each kid’s birth year – and I can call them “kids” because I have Blondie albums older than all five of them put together. The second song will be something currently on any of the Billboard charts.

[Open note to TIIC of AI5: STOP IT with the booing of Simon. It is getting older than the “Seacrest out” thing last year. So stop. Please. Thanks! Love, Aunt Pearl]

While the feeble banter portion of the show is ensuing, I observe that Paula has great hair tonight. I mean really, really great hair. Going to the senior prom great. Today is my wedding day great. “I would like to thank the Academy” great. Chocolate-covered-cream-filled donuts great. Okay, maybe not that last one. But I digress…

First up, is the sweetest human in this or any other world, Elliott. Clips show him as a cute little baby with big eyes, and he talks about biting his nails. Too adorable. He sings a song called “On Broadway” and I think he does really well with it. Dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo. This song is perfect for his voice and he seems entirely comfortable. Am not loving his outfit tonight though – the gold tie? Uh uh. I chuckle when he hits the line, “and I can play this heyah guitar… and I won’t stop 'til I’m a star.” You are already a star, my Elven man. Two out of three judges agree. Apparently, the Saruman of the bunch is listening and watching from Middle-earth, ‘cause he says crazy stuff like it was not Elliott’s best. WhatEVer. Elliott is wondrous and more special than anyone in the Kingdom of Mirkwood.

The ever-changing Paris is next, and since she is just a toddler, her baby pics are very recent. Awesomely cute, and just awesome period, talking about being a tomboy. Paula’s hair stylist must have gotten ahold of her head, ‘cause she looks fantastic. I have liked Paris since her audition, when she blew me away with that jazzy “Take Five” song. But she has the whole “Madonna syndrome” of re-doing herself week after week. It gets confusing. I love the Prince song she sings, “Kiss” and everyone can agree that she sings it better than Julia Roberts. (Paris was only 2 when that movie came out, so she won’t know.) Judges for the most part, are “grinning through their teeth” as my granny used to say. Doing the fake “we like you” bit, but you can tell there is the underlying “we want you voted off NOW dangit!” vibe going. Buttholes. Well, except for Grump, who flat out says she was screechy or some crap. To prove she is a class act, she thanks him anyway. The Twenty Faces of Paris, I am here to tell you that me and all of mine love all of you.

Okay, so Chris as a kid… not as fine as Chris the grown-up. He talks about always wanting to be in the spotlight, ever since he was a wee lad. Gosh, it gets hot in my living room when The Kid and I watch Chris. He sings “Renegade” by Styx, one of the only listen to-able songs by that group, in my honest opinion. (I don’t care what Adam Sandler says.) This is by far the most perfect song he could have chosen. Aside from the fact that he is enchanting to look at, he can SING his fine heiney off. Dear Paula, I am a mess! The Kid is also a mess and she immediately gets on the internet to look at pictures of him. Then she finds a Chris T-shirt she wants really bad for her birthday. I do NOT make ANY bets with her!! (See last week.) “Oh Mama, I’m in fear for my life” as the song says; a heart attack may be coming for me. Chris is smoldering and the judges are in puppy dog lust heaven, too. Only issue - Big Daddy Simon is a little too obvious with his pimping of Chris; I do not agree that it was a million times better than the other two. It is no secret that Chris is the anointed one; he is the most marketable this year. And it’s a white boy’s turn to win. Statistically speaking.

Next, Ryan and Katharine talk about her dress coming undone last week and her showing her unmentionables. Ryan shrugs it off, ‘cause heh after all who looks at girls, right? Kat counters by saying that she knows guys everywhere were rewinding that TiVo! So there!! Clips show her as a very serious-looking little girl and she talks about how she used to be all quiet and stuff. Then she sings “Against All Odds” and I have to admit that the only thing I think about when I hear this song is how dang HOT Jeff Bridges was in the movie and how bad I hated the ending. (I wanted Rachel Ward to “just turn around… turn around and see me cry” as the song says, but I digress.) Once again, the judges are stupid, disagreeing with me. They think she sucked, and even Kat apologized for sucking. Ahem, there are no Kellie Picklers here, you do not need to go there! So Kat hit a couple of bad notes… it was 95% good as far as methinks. It’s rather amusing how the Scrooge judge tiptoes oh-so delicately; lest he incur the wrath of McMother's hit man? Heh. The Kid does not like Kat, she says that Katharine reminds her of the “popular” girls, you know the ones in the Lohan/Duff movies, where “popular” means “evil.” I just roll my eyes at her and sigh heavily.

The gray-haired dude that I loved from his audition… he is here tonight, y’all. Clips of Taylor as a little boy show that he was not always gray. Funny, the quip about having more hair style changes than Ryan. Snark! Then he gets down with his bad self! In full gyrating, Tourettes, palsy-mode, full blast, in an ugly loud shirt straight from the 70s. He rocks out on “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” a song that we could not play at my high school, lest a race riot resulted. Yeah, I know, it was sad. Anyways, Taylor rocks it, bounces it, throws it up in the air, catches it, and then lies on the freakin' floor with it. I have to avert my eyes there for a sec. Too weird for this oldish woman. Judges are like, dude, WTH?? Ryan is overtaken with mirth and then HE lies on the floor with Taylor. One of the best comical moments on the show EVER. Taylor, baby, I ain’t in the Soul Patrol, but you da bomb man. Am loving you all over again!

Part Two…

Songs from “today’s Billboard charts.” Otherwise known as “junk I have never heard of and would not listen to if they were giving it away free at Sam Goody’s.” Or something to that effect. They pimp that “Bad Day” song, then brag on past idols Kelly and Carrie.

First, Elliott has much better looking clothes as he sings … something kind of nice but boring by some guy I have never heard of, sigh. It is a pretty song, and ya darn tootin’ I will be downloading it from rickey first thing tomorrow morning. Love me some Elliott. You know, he sounds 100 times better on an MP3, especially when I listen with headphones. He is right-there. It’s great! And I know I have said this eleventy-five times, but he has come so far looks-wise since the season began. I want to hug him and pat him on the back. What’s worrying me though about this song, is that he goes on and on about wanting to “go home,” and this could be a not-good sign. Elliott, too precious for words, runs to Ryan before standing before the Three Orcs. And ha!! They are relatively kind, except the third one says the same thing I did about the “going home” thing. Whatta ya know? Twisted minds think alike. Here’s your hook, Sauron! Stick it! Elliott is endearing and droll and I just noticed, he is even tinier than Ryan. Heh.

Paris is wearing a red 80’s-style belt with a camouflage top and astronaut pants. Dressing in the dark much? She is singing a Mary J. Blige song, someone I have actually heard of. But the only song I really know of hers is the one about “no hateration, holleration in this dancery.” Man, I love that song!! Alas, it is not the one that little Paris is doing, even though this one is okay. The thing about her being so young and singing these types of songs, well it makes me understand why girls are spitting out babies younger and younger. And that makes me worry real badly since I have a teenager. While I meander, an odd thing happens… the audio fades for a second, as if Paris is being bleeped. Is it a wordy-durd lyric? I anxiously wait to see if the judges say anything about it, but they don’t mention it at all. Hmmm. They are actually telling her nice things, otherwise known as the kiss of death. During Ryan-banter, Paris is gracious and resigned to the fact that her days are numbered. [Note to self: check the message boards tomorrow for chatter on that bleep. Note to self #2: never mind, I do not care enough to go to any of those hell holes.]

So Chris is next, looking good like a rocker boy should in a leather jacket and stubble, but with a mysterious Clorox-like stain on his jeans. He is singing. Dramatic pause. A rock song. And it’s uhn eh, but I don’t tell The Kid lest she slay me. “I Dare You” as the song title says. She is so in puppy love with Chris, but she is only almost-14. I remember being that age and how it was to be in puppy love with Shaun Cassidy, so it is all good, keeping it at a far far distance like that. I predict that in oh, five or six years, when her dad and I allow her to date, that she will be bringing home bald dudes with wallet chains. That’s okay, just no tattoos or body-piercings ‘cause ugh. And no motorcycles. But I am getting ahead of myself while digressing. Chris is hot, the judges love him, The Kid loves him, I want him for my computer’s screensaver, and will be first in line to buy his CD when he wins this thang, ‘cause he’s gonna, there is no question. Simon's stamp of approval notwithstanding. Worried about him losing his voice though, as are Ryan, the judges and the rest of the whole known universe.

Katharine is singing a song that actually sounds kind of catchy and familiar, but that must be only an illusion because most of “today’s” so-called music is fullacrap. Okay, so she is down on her knees, and dancing somewhat … it is very strange. I can just HEAR the pundits tomorrow… Taylor lies on the floor! How cool! Kat is on her knees! *Cough* slut! There are two guys sitting there playing some drum thingys and she seems to be singing the song to them. For no particular reason at all, and they like it, too. Kat is very good on this song and I am thinking, okay now stand up, come on, you can do it. She doesn’t. She keeps knee dancing. Oh well. I am old and I admit that, whole-heartedly and without shame. Judges now think she is the cutest! With cute toenails painted teal to match her shirt. I am embarrassed for everyone, even though I love Kat. (Careful judges, McMom just might have you in the cross-hairs!) Thank goodness they all liked her, but I don’t think Kat cares anymore.

Everyone who does not live in a cave knows the song that Taylor is doing – “Something” by the Beatles. Through some weird magic of a compilation CD of Beatles Greatest Hits being released NOW, and yep this song is on the charts. Interesting. Taylor sings this song with much elegance and understated movement. And he has on a very nice purple shirt that looks great with his hair. (Somehow it all comes back to hair tonight.) He is an old pro with an even older soul. Really really like him on this, only I don’t feel like he is “feeling” the lyrics, you know? Like, has he ever really been in love? Well, with someone other than himself. If he has, it is not coming through, I mean Paul REALLY loved Linda. I ain’t gettin’ that from the Tay-man. He’s splendid though, so it’s okay. Judges like it okay, too, and wow when ol’ Andy Rooney-lite gives him praise, Taylor goes all Ace Young with the yahoos. Awww. I miss looking at Ace, but there he is in the audience tonight.

Kinda funny, the show ran short so Ryan asks the judges to throw in their last 2 cents worth. The contestants huddle nervously on the stage during this, with Kat obviously having to pee, Chris wanting out of the hot leather jacket now please, and Elliott biting his nails (just like he says he does.)

So tomorrow we shall see who makes it …. As long as Ell-i-ott doesn’t “phone home,” it’s all good for me.

Final thoughts ...

Rumor has it that during the finale, it will cost gazillions of dollars to air a commercial during AI5. So the only general observations I have this time are about the commercials…

The Ford “Bold” commercial that shows the lady shaving her head amidst possible cancer paraphernalia… that disturbed me a little. If I get cancer, my hair will go kicking and screaming. (Like my little angel girl Katie who lives in heaven now. She held on to hers as long as she could.)
I loathe opera and don't understand why any ad agency would use it to try to sell stuff. (Except maybe opera tickets? Heh.)

MacGyver is still the coolest and MasterCard agrees.

Katharine McPhee is prettier than any of the popsicle-stick-looking girls on any of these commercials. So hmmp.

My Kid wants to see that “Just My Luck” movie. Ugh. Am sooo over Ho-han.

Why the heck is Bill Pullman still milking that Twister flick? “Cow.” And Ben Stein… Ferris Bueller was over how long ago?? “Anyone?”

Does Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas think she’s hot stuff or what? Geez, over-confident much?

Just how much Coca-Cola can one pimp in an hour’s time?

I want a pink cell phone! I should make a bet with The Kid…

Definition of super delicious hot? Two words – Hugh Laurie. “House” is up next.

5/3/06

It’s time to say adios to someone and I am guessing it will be Paris. Of course, this is just common sense, plus all the online polls, and the fact that she has been in the bottom 3 like a trizillion times now. Love her anyway.

A few familiar faces in the audience tonight, that look happier to be there tonight than Ryan does. Melissa Gilbert, Carmen Electra. I did not see Bruce Boxleitner nor that INXS host guy, whatshisgrossassname.

Ryan does make a point to speak directly to Paula, heh heh. And even smoozes her a little. Surely, it’s from the “we hate each other” rumors circulating all over the place.

It is 20 questions time, or in this case 5 questions, one for each Idol-wannabe. Everyone is long-winded except for Chris, who must be resting his voice after last night. Not for long though, as it is group sing time, yay. Have never heard this song, “Together We Are One” but it is okay, one of those Big Production Numbers that are supposed to Touch Your Heart. Kat and Elliott are the best on this kind of song. A bunch of folks all dressed in black join the five on the stage, for no particular reason. Representin' I suppose.

This week’s faux-mercial for Ford is to “Hollywood City” and shows the kids cruising around town gawking at freaks, flamers, weirdos, and skate-boarding dogs. They laugh and laugh. Until… they get out of the car and catch this… they are each dressed like … well, as far as I can tell… Paris is Tina Turner maybe? Chris is Tom Petty in the Alice-in-Wonderland-like video (and he is more fine than EVER!!!) Elliott is a white Dennis Rodman perhaps? (how funny would that be with his ex in the audience, heh.) To quote The Hubby, Kat is beautiful in a Jaclyn Smith (25 years ago) kinda way. And Taylor, I think he is The Gladiator? Fun stuff. Love this American Idol. Number One every single week for a reason ya know!

Back in the studio, everyone giggles and you can tell that Chris and Kat are reflecting about how darn hot they are. Nah, just being snarky, hold the cards and letters. And bullets, heh.

Recapping… Paris wanting your extra time and your kiss; then shoutin’ out some Mary J. Chris on the run from the law; then screaming something about fire. Taylor doesn’t want to leave her now; and playing funky music for a white boy. Kat counting to four, no you’re not the one for me; then take a look at me now. Elliott on Broadway; then wanting to go home.

By the way, the Ryan line to Simon: “Is that your final answer?” LOVED it. Was the millionaire show’s number one fan for years back when it was good and had Regis.

The 4 remaining kids are going to Graceland, because next week is Elvis themed, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.

Taylor. Safe. Chris. Safe. Paris. Bottom Two. She sings “Kiss” again and rocks it even better than last night. (Even though Prince lyrics are always disturbing since he is such a skank ho; loved him anyway back in the day.) Paris shows she is just a little bitty girl by asking meticulous metro Ryan to hold her gum! Now that was a priceless moment worthy of MasterCard. Also, live television proves to be comedic when Paris's microphone comes undone (the backpack thingy) and Ryan gets it and follows her around the stage. Too. Freakin'. Funny. (Ryan, you got moves we never seen.)

Next. Kat. Safe. Elliott. Bottom Two. He sings “On Broadway” because the going home song would just be wrong. And incorrect, since Paris is the one that is going home tonight. She is classy and seems okay with it. It’s like this… I have a prom to go to, where I can be Princess P with my friends, and I don’t wanna be a slave to 19E for the next gazillion years anyways. So there! Hmmmp.

The journey of Paris begins with her incredible audition, then everyone and his great aunt giving her props, as they should. None of the Parises ever gave a bad performance. She signs off with two notes of the MJB song. Love you Paris!!

Okay, so Paris leaving was not a shocker. I will tell you what a shocker is!! The ending of tonight’s episode (Season 2, episode 20) of Lost. Oh. My. God.