5/9/06We are down to the Final Four and it’s ELVIS night! Even though I have never been a huge Elvis fan, I do think he had a great voice and was very handsome when he was younger. The movies he made sucked beyond the telling of it, but some of the movies made about him are pretty good. I have seen almost all of them at some point on Lifetime. And one of my favorite movies of all time is the one where a young Forrest Gump teaches Elvis how to dance. But I digress…
I was 12 when Elvis died and I remember it well. A news bulletin interrupted the show I was watching to announce the tragedy. I recall my mom going into the kitchen to be alone so she could cry. On that happy note…
The four remaining contestants are going to Memphis to visit the home of the King. Overheard on the way over – “Graceland, here we come baby”… “Birthplace of rock –n– roll…”
A seriously nipped/tucked Priscilla greets the idol-wannabes and then introduces them to Tommy “I Married Mariah” Mottola. He is actually kinda good-looking for an older dude (a.k.a. someone close to my age, tee hee!)
First up, Tommy works with Taylor on “Jailhouse Rock.” Tommy proves to that Foster guy from a couple weeks ago that you don’t have to be a prick to give good advice. Flash to now - Taylor palsies down the stairs of the audience looking less like Captain Kangaroo than usual. Nice outfit combo of burgundy/black. He is awesomely in his element even though the whatever-it-is around his neck (are they ear plugs?) is rather distracting. It does not faze him, as he does not miss a single note. The judges that are Not Evil agree. Taylor laughs in the face of “karaoke with a capital K.” Simon just does not want Taylor to win, but he may pull a fast one and take this thing! Funny moment when Simon says that Taylor’s performance wouldn’t work in the “real world.” Ryan to Simon: “Have you ever lived in the real world?” Touché!
Next, Chris impresses Tommy during his practice session of “Suspicious Minds.” I love that Chris is the one doing my favorite Elvis song. (Even though I like the Waylon/Jessi version of it better; the Wanted! The Outlaws album was my favorite when I was a kid.) So on stage, Chris is dressed for the ski slopes in a heavy jacket and sunglasses. Hey, did he borrow those from Bo? And if so, does he not remember what Simon said to him last year? Ah, the arrogance of youth; Chris is not learning from the mistakes of others. But anyway, he is doing good with the song, but not Waylon/Jessi good. Because, you know, heh, he can’t sing but so high. Of course, I can’t remain objective where Chris is concerned because he is like, The Man. The judges who are Not Wicked agree that Chris did a good job. Ryan asks Chris if he can borrow the jacket for his next trip to Aspen.
Everybody’s favorite Keebler elf is up next. Tommy is not so sure of Elliott but he is a kind record producer (just to prove it can be done) and he is not hypercritical. Elliott is out to prove himself tonight, yessir! I have never heard this song “If I Can Dream,” but it doesn’t matter because Elliott is remarkable as usual. He looks good tonight, in a hand-me-down suit that Ryan outgrew. Just kidding, ‘cause Ryan would not wear a wide tie. It must be a Yaminion thing. At any rate, climb aboard the E-Train of soul and enjoy the ride; it is smooth as silk. There is something about Elliott that makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy because he is super talented and has come so far from Richmond, VA to get where he is right now – the Final 4 of AI5. Sad because tomorrow will probably be his time to go. It doesn’t matter at this point; he is a star. And finally all three judges agree – tonight it’s Elliott turn to shine. Kudos to Ryan for also giving props to the E-man.
Saving the only gal for last… Katharine impresses Tommy during the practice session, but she is not slutty enough for his harem. Yeah, I know - snark. To prove that very fact, tonight she is wearing a sack-shirt. Also, Kat is combining two songs into a medley, “Hound Dog” and “All Shook Up.” Why? Not sure, as these songs do not go together. She must not have watched Sesame Street as a kid or else she would know these things. Okay, one song is the telling off of someone that you are getting rid of and the other is the excitement of being newly in love. Not a good match up. She sings the heck out of both songs, even though combined they don’t make sense. And she joins the Melissa McGhee hall of shame by flubbing a lyric. Big “uh oh” heard ‘round the world. Judges dis Kat six ways from Sunday, even though Paula liked her dancing. She just makes smiley faces at them, probably wondering if McMom still has that hit man’s phone number. Who cares at this point? Kat is a superstar in the making and should be making movies with Orlando Bloom.
Round Two…
Wow, Taylor is cute in a leather jacket. During pre-song Ryan banter he clears up the rumor about Lisa Marie - he did not ask the Elvis offspring out on a date. However, Tommy, if your calendar is open… nah, just kidding. The exchange of manly adoration between the two is quite adorable. On stage, he sings the worst Elvis song ever, “In the Ghetto.” I never liked this song because I just can’t picture Elvis in the ghetto… a run down shack in the woods maybe, but not the ghetto. This is a song for J.J. Evans to sing. Judges absolutely love Taylor now; they are all BFF!! Just to prove that Dan Brown is the devil and not him, Simon says that Taylor will make it to the finals. We are left with Taylor touretting “Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol.”
The adoration continues as Tommy praises Chris to the skies, as he should. ‘Cause not only does Chris have a great voice, tonight on stage he is smooo-king in a white see-through shirt. My Kid and I are too busy “oh my god’ing” at each other to even notice what song he is singing. It is “A Little Less Conversation” (Or is it a little more? Will have to look it up.) I can only say that I look forward to buying this guy’s CD, for the music as well as the pull-out poster, yay doggie. His voice on this song is real different, low and sexy, and his tone is rich, and did I say sexy? I need a defibrillator. Two out of three judges agree that Chris did great, and nobody really cares what the Brit says. Especially Chris, since he has a long career ahead of him whether he wins this thing or not. Just sayin.'
Tommy warms up to Elliott during their second practice session. Anyone made of human parts will be won over by the adorable one. On stage, Elliott joins Ryan in the “I’m not afraid of pink shirts” club. He is doing a song called “Trouble,” a number Carrie did last year. Elliott rocks the joint down on this song! His voice is incredible and he has such gorgeous eyes. However, there is no way in the world he will ever convince me that he is “bad,” no matter how many times he sings, “I’m evil.” Nope, not the delightful leprechaun. It’s unanimous with the judges – they say he is terrific, as they should. Evidently Paula was dancing during Elliott’s song, because Ryan says, “Did you see the moves that Paula was pulling off? I feel obligated to give her a dollar after that.” It was weirdly touching how Simon came to Paula’s defense.
Last but not least, Katharine is doing the classic “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” She is entertaining during her practice session with Tommy and we are all still left to wonder if he wants to add her to his posse. I would say no emphatically not. She is way too cool for him. On stage, Kat looks more beautiful than ever in a fitted and very stylish suit. The Hubby is glad to see that it looks like she’s showing a little belly tonight. Take that all ye morons who say the kitty Kat is fat. I so loathe the message boards with the heat of a thousand hells because of the idiots who dis this gal. On her worst night ever, she is a crazillion times better than the crapola on the radio right now. (“My hump, my hump! To-da-ay's music sucks!” I rest my case.) Even The Kid, who thinks that Kat is a pampered princess, does not agree that Kat is overweight at all, and that the detractors are just jealous. As for Kat's singing tonight, there is a 3-way split with the judges – Randy liked this better than the first song, Paula liked the previous fun Kat better, and Simon rips her a new one. Again. Then says something about apple pie. Whatever.
So during review time, it is evident that the real winner tonight is Elvis himself. No one can do his songs like he can. There is still only one “king.”
5/10/06
Ryan is once again sporting his best black-on-black suit from the Regis collection as he reminds us that we are soon to be down to just trois.
It was all about Elvis last night, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.
Recapping... Taylor jailhouse karaokes but comes back from the ghetto. Chris is suspicious about less conversation. Katharine is manic Broadway apple pie. Elliott's dreams come true 'cause he's evil trouble!
The Ford video tonight to “Wonderful World” is for the Hybrid and my very favorite muppet makes a cameo appearance - yay Kermit! And hands off him Kat, or Miss Piggy will hurt you.
Clips of the kids' trip to Graceland reveal the famous Jungle Room, a trizillion gold records, and the hugeass grave site. Oh, and that the role of Corpse Bride was played by Priscilla Presley. (Shiver and shudder with fright, brrrrr.)
Lisa Marie is rather pretty, and still looks like her dad. She actually gives the contestants the time of day, and a golf cart ride. Didn't she have her own singing career for like five minutes? How'd that work out for ya, LM? (Multi-crazillionaires, geesh! So wishy-washy.)
Our final four do a great job on the Elvis medley. The singing is even better than last night for the most part. The choreography though - not so good. I was a little worried there while all four were on the little ledge. And I needed some wine to go with the cheesy sing out to Paula. Ugh.
So in the audience tonight, is the pretty blonde gal who used to be married to John Stamos but is now engaged to some other guy, Jerry something. Gee, she traded down. At any rate, Ryan makes cute conversation with her (and by “cute” I mean totally staged and scripted) and she asks Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” again, pretty please? WTH??
Since he really doesn't have a choice, Taylor gets up and does his thang. I am distracted by his ill-fitting shirt that is buttoned so high that it seems to be cutting off his circulation. Loosen up dude!
Ryan asks Elliott to stand beside Taylor, with Chris and Katharine together and Ryan in the middle. One of these duos is the bottom two.
After 17 thousand hours of commercials, we finally learn that Chris and Kat are bottom feeders. Ryan spouts off about how Chris has been the contender since day one. Then ... with the quickness! Ryan reveals, “Chris-you-are-going-home-tonight-the-journey-ends-here-for-you.”
Now there are two things happening... there's the thing that's occuring onstage in Ho'wood right now, and there's the much more exciting event going on in my house.
In Ho'wood, everyone in the audience just drops into a dead faint. Chris is paralyzed with flabbergastment. Katharine has a series of strokes from the shock of still being in the running. Her McMom makes a quick call to cancel the hit man once again. Paramedics come in to resuscitate Simon who has collapsed. And Paula - well she just flatlines, never to recover. Film at 11. Meanwhile, Ryan is like “nah-nah-nah-nah, you thought you were gonna wi-innn.”
At my house, The Kid jumps up and runs faster than the speed of light to her room and slams the door. I am too distracted by all the slamming noises to realize what is happening on the TV. She proclaims that American Idol and everyone associated with it are “gay” (and evidently the definition of that word no longer has anything to do with sexual orientation, at least for middle schoolers. Who knew?)
On TV, Chris looks shocked and pissed. And pissed and shocked. Like someone just called his baby ugly. His video montage, which reminds us of the trizillion reasons that we love him so much, is set to the even sadder version of “Bad Day” and ends with Simon saying “Chris...Thank God for Chris.”
Then the bald rocker dude does an angry-man sing out before that stupidassed Unan1mous show breaks in. I am too shocked to move and will just have to take a break ... So so sad now.
Two hours later...
Am still in too much shock to move, think, or even blink, much less type. I keep telling myself: It is just a TV show.
Ladies and gentlemen... Daughtry has left the building.
Chris was voted off tonight. Those five words just DO NOT make sense.
My Kid has locked herself in her room and will not come out. She cries herself to sleep, which is really not too atypical for a young teenage drama queen. Right now, I feel worse for her than I do Chris. The Hubby thinks that The Kid and I are both crazy as loons for caring as much as we do. But he was never a big Chris fan, so he is kinda gloating which is not helping!
Repeat after me eleventy-five grazillion times:
It is just a TV show!!!
Whew! Now that I have had a couple of hours to think about it, this is actually a good thing. Now Chris will not be tied down to a totally suckful 19E contract. The E stands for Evil, right? Plus, rumor mill has it that Fuel wants him for their lead singer Right Now. So he is better off.
Truly. No, I mean it, f'real. No sour grapes here. Nosiree.
It is just a TV show!!! Heavy heavy sigh...
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