5/2/06Tonight we are down to 5… a number you can count on just one hand. And we still have an hour to fill (37 minutes not counting commercials) so this means each contestant gets to sing two songs tonight. Yay!
The first song will be from each kid’s birth year – and I can call them “kids” because I have Blondie albums older than all five of them put together. The second song will be something currently on any of the Billboard charts.
[Open note to TIIC of AI5: STOP IT with the booing of Simon. It is getting older than the “Seacrest out” thing last year. So stop. Please. Thanks! Love, Aunt Pearl]
While the feeble banter portion of the show is ensuing, I observe that Paula has great hair tonight. I mean really, really great hair. Going to the senior prom great. Today is my wedding day great. “I would like to thank the Academy” great. Chocolate-covered-cream-filled donuts great. Okay, maybe not that last one. But I digress…
First up, is the sweetest human in this or any other world, Elliott. Clips show him as a cute little baby with big eyes, and he talks about biting his nails. Too adorable. He sings a song called “On Broadway” and I think he does really well with it. Dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo. This song is perfect for his voice and he seems entirely comfortable. Am not loving his outfit tonight though – the gold tie? Uh uh. I chuckle when he hits the line, “and I can play this heyah guitar… and I won’t stop 'til I’m a star.” You are already a star, my Elven man. Two out of three judges agree. Apparently, the Saruman of the bunch is listening and watching from Middle-earth, ‘cause he says crazy stuff like it was not Elliott’s best. WhatEVer. Elliott is wondrous and more special than anyone in the Kingdom of Mirkwood.
The ever-changing Paris is next, and since she is just a toddler, her baby pics are very recent. Awesomely cute, and just awesome period, talking about being a tomboy. Paula’s hair stylist must have gotten ahold of her head, ‘cause she looks fantastic. I have liked Paris since her audition, when she blew me away with that jazzy “Take Five” song. But she has the whole “Madonna syndrome” of re-doing herself week after week. It gets confusing. I love the Prince song she sings, “Kiss” and everyone can agree that she sings it better than Julia Roberts. (Paris was only 2 when that movie came out, so she won’t know.) Judges for the most part, are “grinning through their teeth” as my granny used to say. Doing the fake “we like you” bit, but you can tell there is the underlying “we want you voted off NOW dangit!” vibe going. Buttholes. Well, except for Grump, who flat out says she was screechy or some crap. To prove she is a class act, she thanks him anyway. The Twenty Faces of Paris, I am here to tell you that me and all of mine love all of you.
Okay, so Chris as a kid… not as fine as Chris the grown-up. He talks about always wanting to be in the spotlight, ever since he was a wee lad. Gosh, it gets hot in my living room when The Kid and I watch Chris. He sings “Renegade” by Styx, one of the only listen to-able songs by that group, in my honest opinion. (I don’t care what Adam Sandler says.) This is by far the most perfect song he could have chosen. Aside from the fact that he is enchanting to look at, he can SING his fine heiney off. Dear Paula, I am a mess! The Kid is also a mess and she immediately gets on the internet to look at pictures of him. Then she finds a Chris T-shirt she wants really bad for her birthday. I do NOT make ANY bets with her!! (See last week.) “Oh Mama, I’m in fear for my life” as the song says; a heart attack may be coming for me. Chris is smoldering and the judges are in puppy dog lust heaven, too. Only issue - Big Daddy Simon is a little too obvious with his pimping of Chris; I do not agree that it was a million times better than the other two. It is no secret that Chris is the anointed one; he is the most marketable this year. And it’s a white boy’s turn to win. Statistically speaking.
Next, Ryan and Katharine talk about her dress coming undone last week and her showing her unmentionables. Ryan shrugs it off, ‘cause heh after all who looks at girls, right? Kat counters by saying that she knows guys everywhere were rewinding that TiVo! So there!! Clips show her as a very serious-looking little girl and she talks about how she used to be all quiet and stuff. Then she sings “Against All Odds” and I have to admit that the only thing I think about when I hear this song is how dang HOT Jeff Bridges was in the movie and how bad I hated the ending. (I wanted Rachel Ward to “just turn around… turn around and see me cry” as the song says, but I digress.) Once again, the judges are stupid, disagreeing with me. They think she sucked, and even Kat apologized for sucking. Ahem, there are no Kellie Picklers here, you do not need to go there! So Kat hit a couple of bad notes… it was 95% good as far as methinks. It’s rather amusing how the Scrooge judge tiptoes oh-so delicately; lest he incur the wrath of McMother's hit man? Heh. The Kid does not like Kat, she says that Katharine reminds her of the “popular” girls, you know the ones in the Lohan/Duff movies, where “popular” means “evil.” I just roll my eyes at her and sigh heavily.
The gray-haired dude that I loved from his audition… he is here tonight, y’all. Clips of Taylor as a little boy show that he was not always gray. Funny, the quip about having more hair style changes than Ryan. Snark! Then he gets down with his bad self! In full gyrating, Tourettes, palsy-mode, full blast, in an ugly loud shirt straight from the 70s. He rocks out on “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” a song that we could not play at my high school, lest a race riot resulted. Yeah, I know, it was sad. Anyways, Taylor rocks it, bounces it, throws it up in the air, catches it, and then lies on the freakin' floor with it. I have to avert my eyes there for a sec. Too weird for this oldish woman. Judges are like, dude, WTH?? Ryan is overtaken with mirth and then HE lies on the floor with Taylor. One of the best comical moments on the show EVER. Taylor, baby, I ain’t in the Soul Patrol, but you da bomb man. Am loving you all over again!
Part Two…
Songs from “today’s Billboard charts.” Otherwise known as “junk I have never heard of and would not listen to if they were giving it away free at Sam Goody’s.” Or something to that effect. They pimp that “Bad Day” song, then brag on past idols Kelly and Carrie.
First, Elliott has much better looking clothes as he sings … something kind of nice but boring by some guy I have never heard of, sigh. It is a pretty song, and ya darn tootin’ I will be downloading it from rickey first thing tomorrow morning. Love me some Elliott. You know, he sounds 100 times better on an MP3, especially when I listen with headphones. He is right-there. It’s great! And I know I have said this eleventy-five times, but he has come so far looks-wise since the season began. I want to hug him and pat him on the back. What’s worrying me though about this song, is that he goes on and on about wanting to “go home,” and this could be a not-good sign. Elliott, too precious for words, runs to Ryan before standing before the Three Orcs. And ha!! They are relatively kind, except the third one says the same thing I did about the “going home” thing. Whatta ya know? Twisted minds think alike. Here’s your hook, Sauron! Stick it! Elliott is endearing and droll and I just noticed, he is even tinier than Ryan. Heh.
Paris is wearing a red 80’s-style belt with a camouflage top and astronaut pants. Dressing in the dark much? She is singing a Mary J. Blige song, someone I have actually heard of. But the only song I really know of hers is the one about “no hateration, holleration in this dancery.” Man, I love that song!! Alas, it is not the one that little Paris is doing, even though this one is okay. The thing about her being so young and singing these types of songs, well it makes me understand why girls are spitting out babies younger and younger. And that makes me worry real badly since I have a teenager. While I meander, an odd thing happens… the audio fades for a second, as if Paris is being bleeped. Is it a wordy-durd lyric? I anxiously wait to see if the judges say anything about it, but they don’t mention it at all. Hmmm. They are actually telling her nice things, otherwise known as the kiss of death. During Ryan-banter, Paris is gracious and resigned to the fact that her days are numbered. [Note to self: check the message boards tomorrow for chatter on that bleep. Note to self #2: never mind, I do not care enough to go to any of those hell holes.]
So Chris is next, looking good like a rocker boy should in a leather jacket and stubble, but with a mysterious Clorox-like stain on his jeans. He is singing. Dramatic pause. A rock song. And it’s uhn eh, but I don’t tell The Kid lest she slay me. “I Dare You” as the song title says. She is so in puppy love with Chris, but she is only almost-14. I remember being that age and how it was to be in puppy love with Shaun Cassidy, so it is all good, keeping it at a far far distance like that. I predict that in oh, five or six years, when her dad and I allow her to date, that she will be bringing home bald dudes with wallet chains. That’s okay, just no tattoos or body-piercings ‘cause ugh. And no motorcycles. But I am getting ahead of myself while digressing. Chris is hot, the judges love him, The Kid loves him, I want him for my computer’s screensaver, and will be first in line to buy his CD when he wins this thang, ‘cause he’s gonna, there is no question. Simon's stamp of approval notwithstanding. Worried about him losing his voice though, as are Ryan, the judges and the rest of the whole known universe.
Katharine is singing a song that actually sounds kind of catchy and familiar, but that must be only an illusion because most of “today’s” so-called music is fullacrap. Okay, so she is down on her knees, and dancing somewhat … it is very strange. I can just HEAR the pundits tomorrow… Taylor lies on the floor! How cool! Kat is on her knees! *Cough* slut! There are two guys sitting there playing some drum thingys and she seems to be singing the song to them. For no particular reason at all, and they like it, too. Kat is very good on this song and I am thinking, okay now stand up, come on, you can do it. She doesn’t. She keeps knee dancing. Oh well. I am old and I admit that, whole-heartedly and without shame. Judges now think she is the cutest! With cute toenails painted teal to match her shirt. I am embarrassed for everyone, even though I love Kat. (Careful judges, McMom just might have you in the cross-hairs!) Thank goodness they all liked her, but I don’t think Kat cares anymore.
Everyone who does not live in a cave knows the song that Taylor is doing – “Something” by the Beatles. Through some weird magic of a compilation CD of Beatles Greatest Hits being released NOW, and yep this song is on the charts. Interesting. Taylor sings this song with much elegance and understated movement. And he has on a very nice purple shirt that looks great with his hair. (Somehow it all comes back to hair tonight.) He is an old pro with an even older soul. Really really like him on this, only I don’t feel like he is “feeling” the lyrics, you know? Like, has he ever really been in love? Well, with someone other than himself. If he has, it is not coming through, I mean Paul REALLY loved Linda. I ain’t gettin’ that from the Tay-man. He’s splendid though, so it’s okay. Judges like it okay, too, and wow when ol’ Andy Rooney-lite gives him praise, Taylor goes all Ace Young with the yahoos. Awww. I miss looking at Ace, but there he is in the audience tonight.
Kinda funny, the show ran short so Ryan asks the judges to throw in their last 2 cents worth. The contestants huddle nervously on the stage during this, with Kat obviously having to pee, Chris wanting out of the hot leather jacket now please, and Elliott biting his nails (just like he says he does.)
So tomorrow we shall see who makes it …. As long as Ell-i-ott doesn’t “phone home,” it’s all good for me.
Final thoughts ...
Rumor has it that during the finale, it will cost gazillions of dollars to air a commercial during AI5. So the only general observations I have this time are about the commercials…
The Ford “Bold” commercial that shows the lady shaving her head amidst possible cancer paraphernalia… that disturbed me a little. If I get cancer, my hair will go kicking and screaming. (Like my little angel girl Katie who lives in heaven now. She held on to hers as long as she could.)
I loathe opera and don't understand why any ad agency would use it to try to sell stuff. (Except maybe opera tickets? Heh.)
MacGyver is still the coolest and MasterCard agrees.
Katharine McPhee is prettier than any of the popsicle-stick-looking girls on any of these commercials. So hmmp.
My Kid wants to see that “Just My Luck” movie. Ugh. Am sooo over Ho-han.
Why the heck is Bill Pullman still milking that Twister flick? “Cow.” And Ben Stein… Ferris Bueller was over how long ago?? “Anyone?”
Does Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas think she’s hot stuff or what? Geez, over-confident much?
Just how much Coca-Cola can one pimp in an hour’s time?
I want a pink cell phone! I should make a bet with The Kid…
Definition of super delicious hot? Two words – Hugh Laurie. “House” is up next.
5/3/06
It’s time to say adios to someone and I am guessing it will be Paris. Of course, this is just common sense, plus all the online polls, and the fact that she has been in the bottom 3 like a trizillion times now. Love her anyway.
A few familiar faces in the audience tonight, that look happier to be there tonight than Ryan does. Melissa Gilbert, Carmen Electra. I did not see Bruce Boxleitner nor that INXS host guy, whatshisgrossassname.
Ryan does make a point to speak directly to Paula, heh heh. And even smoozes her a little. Surely, it’s from the “we hate each other” rumors circulating all over the place.
It is 20 questions time, or in this case 5 questions, one for each Idol-wannabe. Everyone is long-winded except for Chris, who must be resting his voice after last night. Not for long though, as it is group sing time, yay. Have never heard this song, “Together We Are One” but it is okay, one of those Big Production Numbers that are supposed to Touch Your Heart. Kat and Elliott are the best on this kind of song. A bunch of folks all dressed in black join the five on the stage, for no particular reason. Representin' I suppose.
This week’s faux-mercial for Ford is to “Hollywood City” and shows the kids cruising around town gawking at freaks, flamers, weirdos, and skate-boarding dogs. They laugh and laugh. Until… they get out of the car and catch this… they are each dressed like … well, as far as I can tell… Paris is Tina Turner maybe? Chris is Tom Petty in the Alice-in-Wonderland-like video (and he is more fine than EVER!!!) Elliott is a white Dennis Rodman perhaps? (how funny would that be with his ex in the audience, heh.) To quote The Hubby, Kat is beautiful in a Jaclyn Smith (25 years ago) kinda way. And Taylor, I think he is The Gladiator? Fun stuff. Love this American Idol. Number One every single week for a reason ya know!
Back in the studio, everyone giggles and you can tell that Chris and Kat are reflecting about how darn hot they are. Nah, just being snarky, hold the cards and letters. And bullets, heh.
Recapping… Paris wanting your extra time and your kiss; then shoutin’ out some Mary J. Chris on the run from the law; then screaming something about fire. Taylor doesn’t want to leave her now; and playing funky music for a white boy. Kat counting to four, no you’re not the one for me; then take a look at me now. Elliott on Broadway; then wanting to go home.
By the way, the Ryan line to Simon: “Is that your final answer?” LOVED it. Was the millionaire show’s number one fan for years back when it was good and had Regis.
The 4 remaining kids are going to Graceland, because next week is Elvis themed, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.
Taylor. Safe. Chris. Safe. Paris. Bottom Two. She sings “Kiss” again and rocks it even better than last night. (Even though Prince lyrics are always disturbing since he is such a skank ho; loved him anyway back in the day.) Paris shows she is just a little bitty girl by asking meticulous metro Ryan to hold her gum! Now that was a priceless moment worthy of MasterCard. Also, live television proves to be comedic when Paris's microphone comes undone (the backpack thingy) and Ryan gets it and follows her around the stage. Too. Freakin'. Funny. (Ryan, you got moves we never seen.)
Next. Kat. Safe. Elliott. Bottom Two. He sings “On Broadway” because the going home song would just be wrong. And incorrect, since Paris is the one that is going home tonight. She is classy and seems okay with it. It’s like this… I have a prom to go to, where I can be Princess P with my friends, and I don’t wanna be a slave to 19E for the next gazillion years anyways. So there! Hmmmp.
The journey of Paris begins with her incredible audition, then everyone and his great aunt giving her props, as they should. None of the Parises ever gave a bad performance. She signs off with two notes of the MJB song. Love you Paris!!
Okay, so Paris leaving was not a shocker. I will tell you what a shocker is!! The ending of tonight’s episode (Season 2, episode 20) of Lost. Oh. My. God.
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