5/24/06Before you can blink, Carrie Underwood starts singing, joined by Taylor then Katharine - “I Made it Through the Rain.” Dressed all in white and they look terrific. Then this year’s remaining top finalists join them on stage. As if that is not enough, black clad back-up singers join in.
All this before the intro even begins. WOW! We are in for an awesome night. Mr. States-the-obvious says the winner will be named tonight - news from the file marked "duh." The Kodak Theater is filled with 3000 fans.
Celebs spotted in the audience include Heather Locklear sitting with Ben Stiller and Angel-who-is-now Booth with his cute son and the gal that plays with him on Bones. (The Kid and I like that show.) Probably other stars there that I don't recognize; am a little behind on current events.
Judges are dressed as if it’s Grammy night. Set to the beat of “Another One Bites the Dust,” it’s a montage of Randy - “dude,” “you da bomb dawg,” “we got a hot one right here tonight, America!”
Next is “compassionate Paula” set to “I Get So Emotional Baby” showing some of her less loopy moments and I can’t help but love her. What a hoot! She is so much fun.
“The Ego Has Landed” Simon, who looks foxy tonight. His video is to “If You Think I’m Sexy” and the answer is Yes! “I would give myself a ten.” “Loved it!”
Finally the American Idol band gets some props. Hometowns are introduced, with the pretty O’Donahue twins in Birmingham, and Tamyra Gray in Universal City. There seems to be about a trazillion more fans in Alabama.
Princess P, our very own Paris is up first singing “We’re in this Love Together.” Then Al Jarreau who is wearing one of Ace’s beanies, joins her on stage. They sound great together especially when they do the doo doo doo doo scats. They are so cool!
Next, Chris is singing with the band Live and it’s doppelganger time. Chris is hotter though and has a better voice, methinks. The Ed guy does the really high parts. I think the name of this song is “Mystery” and the mystery could be why is Chris wearing one of Liz Taylor’s rings? The Kid is this-close to the TV and is swooning.
The next segment proves that Ryan can not pronounce Albemarle to save his life and that the AI money machine is milking the Pickler cow for all it’s worth. It’s an amusing video called Puck –n– Pickler starring Wolfgang Puck, a famous chef that talks funny ‘cause he is from Austria and Kellie Pickler, an AI5 contestant who "tawks" funny ‘cause she’s from North Carolina. It is very entertaining and you can’t help but fall in love with Pickler all over again. Too darn funny.
We go from escargot to Meat Loaf and McPhee. Meat Loaf (a.k.a. Marvin Lee Aday) starts and oh holy night he is awful, howling dog off-key. He is holding a red hankie for no apparent reason at all. Kat tries to save this fiasco but she is walking away, getting as far away from this creep as possible. They are attempting to sing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” He is doing his version and she is doing the Celine Dion version. She looks better than ever but kind of horrified at the terror that is her singing partner. Well, 1 outta 2 ain’t bad. Thank the loving Lord that it’s finally over.
By the way, where was Ryan’s montage?? He introduces the next segment, a mock awards show called The Golden Idols. Brought to you by Coke and Ford, well duh. First award is Outstanding Female Vocal and they mean “outstanding” in a bad way. Nominees are: the gorgeous black gal who sang Christmas carols off key and could not be convinced that she was bad. The fake tan girl who looked like a low rent Paris Hilton crossbred with Ashlee Simpson. And the gal who thought she was the next Aretha Franklin. She wasn’t; she gave Simon a migraine. The winner is that last one, but of course she is not there to accept the statue.
Outstanding Male Vocal nominees: the flaming black guy (one of the many) who does an Alicia Keys song badly. The sweaty armpit guy - "it’s Nigel! it’s Nigel!" And Crazy Dave, who actually made it to Hollywood courtesy of Paula and Randy’s plot to piss Simon off. And guess what, Crazy Dave wins the award, runs out on stage then falls off the stage while Ryan says “we need mace; call security.” The Kid says Dave is cool. “Weird” must be the new definition of “cool,” I suppose.
More of the Puck –n– Pickler show, this time with a live lobster scaring Kellie out of her seat. This is like Candid Camera mixed with Paula Deen crossed with Hee Haw. Mr. Puck is in the audience tonight, grinning from ear to ear.
Next, a medley from the hot guys and Kevin, heh. They are dressed in black “Taking Care of Business.” Elliott steps out on this song and they are all “working overtime.” Taylor then comes out playing his harmonica. “Tobacco Road” and Kevin trying to be hip but he just does not fit. Chris is rocking out on this song and Ace tries the falsetto stuff. Then it’s “Don’t Stop” thinking about tomorrow and Paula is crying and it’s the sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life. I simply can not wait for the tour.
The Ford video is also set to “Don’t Stop” and it’s of Taylor and Kat at a drive-in theater watching highlights and outtakes of all the previous videos from this season. Then Kat and Taylor are presented with the keys to Ford Mustang convertibles. All of the finalists should get one, for doing all those cheesy faux-mercials.
Quick jump to another Golden Idol Award. Best Family Moment nominees are: Elliott’s sweet mom, Kat’s tearful dad, and Chris’s wife Deanna who “just wants his dream to come true.” The Kid and I are both weepy at this point and when Elliott’s mom wins, I lose it. Claudette then introduces her little boy “My Elliott Yamin” who is the best thing on the show ever.
Elliott sings U2s “One” but then… Mary J. Blige barges in and takes over, practically knocking poor E-Double into the orchestra pit. Thank goodness she sings the Jesus line, what with Elliott being Jewish and all, heh. She is absolutely great even though she is wearing sideshow freak sunglasses and is doing the Taylor Hicks “dawg pound wind up” with her arms. Oh yeah, and then she remembers that Elliott is on stage with her and you better recognize! Poor thing gets kinda lost and finally just gives up. A pretty brunette in blue is sitting next to E-mom; mewonders if that is his lady friend?
So many darn commercials… Fox is pimping that dancing show. Wow, Simon has a new show coming out called Duets. And Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is not coming out until July 7th. I gotta wait that long to get my Depp/Bloom freak on? Ergh.
Next up is the most beautiful blonde gal that God ever made who sings her hit “Don’t Forget to Remember Me,” about a girl leaving home for the first time. This song makes me cry since I will be facing this situation in a scant four years. Carrie won two country music awards last night. AI and all of America should be proud of the choice they made last year.
Next Golden Idol Award called The Jackson Award for Public Speaking (snnnnap!) goes to the Lil Kim wannabe. I think her real name is Skank Ho. She is presented her award via satellite where she is in foul-mouthed mode and it is funnier than any episode of Girlfriends I have ever seen. Even though I am pretty sure that it's not the original girl doing the skit tonight.
Taylor sings “In the Ghetto” next. He is then joined by Toni Braxton who is wearing a nightie and has obviously been into Paula’s meds. Her voice is too low to hear and she mumbles the words to the song. She is trampy, especially when she tries to get Taylor to feel her up. Toni always seems to be a bit over the top, but that? Disturbing and embarrassing. Being a southern gentleman, he ain’t having none of it, so back off Bratz Doll Braxton!
Black-clad six gal finalists take the stage and start out with Shania’s “Man I Feel Like a Woman.” Next, Paris and Lisa start the “Trouble” song that Elliott did so much better. Only it is more believable when Kat says “I’m evil” - at least The Kid totally believes it. “I’m a Woman” (which was an Enjoli cologne commercial when I was a kid) is the song that they do next with Mandisa blowing everyone away and Melissa proving why she was voted off so early. The Hub thinks she is so fine, but I don’t like her Marlboro Lights voice. “Natural Woman” is next and Paris and Lisa are excellent on this song. Then it’s “I’m Every Woman,” the song Mandisa does on the AI5 Encores CD, so she gets a lead vocal and it is so magnificent. Love her so much. The Kid points out that the song fits the group on the stage and I concur, only it’s “I’m Every Woman Between the Ages of 16 and 29.”
This is the best AI show ever with the best singers ever except for Kevin and Melissa, but they won’t be at the concert so that’s okay. The Kid reminds me that the tour is selling out and are we getting our tickets soon? [Mental note to self to go online as soon as the show is over.]
Best Impersonation is the next award and nominees are: the guy who sounded like Cher and he really did. The white Michael Jackson “Thriller” freak. Pathetic “oh crap.” And the “I just might be the next Clay Aiken” gotta pee guy. Poor little creepy boy wins and they bring him back and actually let him start to sing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” when suddenly! Look behind you! It’s kd lang folks! No wait… it’s Clay Aiken!!! The little creepy guy totally pees his pants. It is the most fun moment so far tonight. Clay is the coolest and so classy and he sings so good, in spite of Junior trying to sing with him. He looks very butch tonight too, heh. Am liking the new hairdo.
Then it’s Burt Bacharach who plays the piano as the finalists sing songs he has written. Girls in Red, Guys in Black – it’s like a game of checkers. Taylor starts “What the World Needs Now” is love sweet love and then Kat sweet Kat joins in. Puny-voiced Ace then leads “The Look of Love” and is joined by raspy-voiced Melissa and they do a duet while holding hands. Then Kellie sings “What Do You Get When You Fall in Love” and she sings it with a twang, y’all. Please go back to the cooking show with Puck. She is gorgeous, though. Bucky sings “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” and The Kid is over the moon and so is Paula. He sounds amazing. Fabulous Mandisa is beautiful and great on “Say a Little Prayer for You.” Spectacular Lisa is in her element on the Alfie song. My man Elliott sings a song that I think is called “House is not a Home” proving that this old old stuff is his niche. Kevin provides comic relief with “What’s New Pussycat” and The Kid says that this is just unnatural and some people would find this disturbing and I try to explain to her that this song was written before that word was gross. Next is Chris, Ace and Kevin doing the theme from Arthur. “The best that you can do is fall in love.” Excellent Paris does “Close to You” and then introduces Dionne Warwick, who did not get the red dress memo. She looks fabulous in black though, and she sounds pretty decent. The Kid makes a good point when she says they should have had Paris’s grandma on which would have been way cool. Dionne sings “Walk on By” and then the finalists join her on “That’s What Friends Are For” and it is at this point that I make my call to Holly Charter and ask them to just come and get me. Dionne blew that last note and broke the spell so never mind…
The last award is the Male Bonding award and nominees are: Chris and Ace. Hey now, they are just friends, y’all! Deanna must be freaking out. Ryan and Taylor, when they got on the floor together. And the Brokenote Cowboys. They re-show the clip of the parody they did back in the Ho’wood rounds. Oh, still so funny. The Kid professes her undying love for the littlest cowboy, Garet. The cowboys win the statue! And they come out and sing “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys.” It starts off like it’s going to be another parody but ends up actually quite good. I am proud of these guys and hope they try out again next year.
Ryan teases us that we are getting to the results … but wait the lights go down, the camera pans to the stage, and OH MY GOD it is PRINCE. Yeah that Prince, the Prince of my teen-age years who rocked my world with his little bitty bad self. It just does not get better than the Purple Rain album that I had three copies of and wore all of them out. I have no idea what these songs are that he’s singing tonight but it doesn’t matter. His voice is fab and he looks good for almost half a century old. His backup singer/dancers are stretching the "G-rated" limit a little, whoa. No performer in the world is as good as this teeny tiny man. So funny how he just walks away when he is done, just like a self-absorbed celeb is expected to do. Like “bye bye my beyotches.”
Everything is just anti-climatical at this point. We are nearing the end with a Taylor/Kat duet of the Dirty Dancing anthem “I’ve Had the Time of My Life.” They have finally found a dress for Kat that fits perfectly and is not too tight and she is the most beautiful brunette creature the good Lord ever made. Their singing is just meh and the dancing is rather appalling. But they both look like superstars.
And now the moment of truth… 63.4 million votes came in! More than any presidential election, Ryan says. Well duh, Ryan – ‘tweens can’t text message or power phone vote for the prez, dude geesh. Some boring British accountant hands Ryan the envelope and finally after a thousand year pause the winner is… Taylor Hicks.
Soul patrol times eleventy-five thousand cubed and multiplied by a zillion. Birmingham, AL is going crazy, Taylor’s family members are teary and even the Knight Rider/Baywatch dude is crying. Taylor sings the “proud” song and asks everyone to join in and he is so good and it’s so cool and yes you make us proud and FINALLY we get fireworks and confetti. And more Soul Patrol and “thank yous” from Taylor and I need a sedative and I just can’t believe it’s over and will miss it so much. We end the show hearing Paula’s famous cackle.
Best show and best season ever ever ever.
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