5/16/06There is something wrong with this picture... what could it be? Oh yeah, there's no Chris here! We received this latest TV Guide yesterday with the Top 3 on the cover. Big freakin' whoop. I adore Elliott, Kat is beautiful, and Taylor is a hoot. But none of them are bald, sexy, or wildfire smoldering hot with a touch of class and a hint of wicked slyness. Oh my and heavy heavy sigh.
The Kid is still beside herself about the loss of Chris, and talks about him as if he has passed on into the great beyond. “In Loving Memory” and all that. Last week, she bought a straw cowboy hat that she calls her “Chris hat.” It is similar to the hat Chris wore at the Denver audition. I keep telling her that it will get all bent if she keeps sleeping in it, but oh well…
I just can't get excited at all about tonight's show. And I have lost one of my viewing buddies – yep, The Kid. She says that she wouldn't watch it if ya paid her by the minute. And she is very serious about her lack of money-having, so she means business. As soon as she hears the AI theme music, she gets up and states firmly that she and her “Chris hat” are going to go watch Nickelodeon in the other room. She also mentions something about throwing darts at Kat’s TV Guide picture, but I confiscate it just in time. Whew! For the grazillionth time, I explain to The Kid that it is NOT Katharine’s fault that Chris is off the show. But being almost-14, she is not responsive to common sense or wisdom at all.
So, to match The Kid’s mood… tonight I am fully prepared to resent everyone and everything. Right off the bat, a smug Ryan reminds us that Chris is gone “neh neh” and I want to pull the stubble right off his chin. Tonight, he is wearing a suit that looks gayer than Tom Hanks’ Da Vinci hairdo. During these first few minutes, I am totally not following my own advice to The Kid.
At any rate, our leftovers… Elliott, Kat, and Taylor will perform 3 songs each tonight. One chosen by that trillion-year-old producer guy (Clive Davis), one chosen by a judge, and one chosen by the contestant. Mewonders which song will suck the most? I am laying bets on the last one, Contestant's Choice.
Before we get started we are told how Clive Davis was around when rock music was played with real rocks. And that he has produced many many stars, some known for their great singing talents, and others known for being white trash sluts married to K-Feds.
Round One…
First up, Mr. Davis (who is dressed in bright blue Papa Smurf) talks to Elliott about the song he has picked for him, “Open Arms” by Journey. E-Double was just a little bitty boy when this song came out, but he pretends that he has heard of it just to make the old guy happy. You can sure tell that he is out of his comfort zone when he sings this song tonight. His voice is good, but he has the deer-in-the-headlight eyes and cardboard cutout stance. He makes this cheesy 80s song his own though, bless his heart. Judges are stupid, telling him that he’s not all that and needs to step it up a bit. Fine, whatever.
Next is Katharine, who is singing “I Believe I Can Fly,” a tune infamous for its artist’s underage-girl shenanigans and its rampant use at high school graduations. Clive tells Kat that she needs to develop a style that is all her own and she’s like ... okay whatever. Even though I love Katharine’s voice, it feels like she is not even trying on this song. Or maybe she is trying too hard? I can’t figure it out. She is all over the place with it, like the talent portion of a beauty pageant. (I expect her to say, “World Peace, Stan!” a'la Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.) My Kid did this song better when she sang it at Pre-K graduation, for pete's sake. The Hubby likes the blue satin dress that Kat’s wearing though, and I have my very own Pickler moment admiring the silver shoes. Judges criticize her song choice and Kat has a true Up Yours moment when she screeches, “But I didn’t pick the song!” Hysterical.
Lastly, Clive tells Taylor that he wants him to sing “Dancing in the Dark” and he wants so badly for him to really understand and interpret the lyrics. Then Taylor and Clive go all “this-is-obviously-being-read-from-cue-cards” as they discuss getting clearance on a Springsteen song for the first time ever. On stage, Taylor sings this song as if an army is holding machine guns at him, trained to fire at the first indication of missing a note. It is very strange and tense. He is blinky and dorkified. Again, methinks that he is trying too hard. So cool though, how Paula got to play the Courtney Cox dancing role for all of half a second. Judges for the most part thought it was pretty darn good and Paula needs some tape to hold her boobs up. Or something.
Round Two…
Evidently, each of the final three went back home for heroic visits last week. Much fanfare ensued, it was all captured on film, and we will see more of it tomorrow night.
Tonight, a clip is shown of the governor of Richmond announcing to Elliott that Paula has chosen “What You Won’t Do For Love,” yet another song that E-Double will have to learn this week. Tonight, Ryan asks her why she chose that song and after blah blah yada yada something or utter, she explains that it fits his voice. Which it does, to a wonderful T. Elliott is absolutely fabulous on this song, I loooove it! He seems more at ease while performing this one, too. And the dark blue is an excellent color for him. Elliott has come a long way from the Soggy Bottom Boy that he was four months ago. Judges say that he was great, at least that is all that my ears will accept from any of ‘em. Hmmp.
Next, a clip of Katharine being told by the mayor of L.A. (what, no Ahnuld?) that her song, chosen by Simon, is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and you can tell that she is somewhere over the moon with excitement. This is her forte, her niche, her bread-and-butter. Which is exactly what Simon says when Ryan asks him what is the rhyme for his reason. Now onstage, Kat is one-part Bo (a cappella) one-part Fantasia (sitting on the floor) and 100 parts absolutely gorgeous (just being Kat.) This is her moment and she seizes it. She sings this song so beautifully that somewhere even Judy Garland is teary-eyed. WOW! Judges are peeing their pants with glee and hopefulness that maybe, just maybe Kat has redeemed herself.
After that hard act to follow… Taylor is shown via clip with the Gov’nah of Alerbamer. This is a fun governor, a hoot while he reads the message from Randy that his song will be the Joe Cocker classic, “You Are So Beautiful.” Randy explains to Ryan and all of us that something in the way Taylor moves is so beautiful in a Joe Cocker way, so hence this funky white boy song. Taylor proves that it is so darn hard for him to just stand there and SING, ‘cause you can sure tell that he is itchin’ to bust loose. And yep, thar he blows, letting out a big whooooo. And WTH is up with those Ted Bundy eyes, man? Scary. But all in all it’s rather nice and he sounds genuine (singing to the mirror) and it’s a good fit all around. Judges say that it was da bomb dawgs.
Round Three…
Whew! It’s like a never-ending show tonight. And I still keep waiting and waiting for Chris … dangit. Argh.
For his third song, Elliott has chosen an old Ray Charles tune that nobody has ever heard of called “I Believe to My Soul.” Now this is his element, the kind of song that I will play over and over when I get it from rickey tomorrow. I believe to my soul that this Amish-elf-meets-Tumnus is the 8th wonder of the world. He is so phenomenal, and I am left hoping that the lyrics are not prophetic, “you’re gonna look for me and I’ll be gone.” I especially liked the shout out to his own self, calling his name. Oh Nellie! Judges go ahead and say their good-byes ‘cause it is their guess that EY is going home tomorrow. Better to leave on a truly awesome note. May the Yamin Force be with you!
Keeping up the trend of “stuff the audience has never heard of and will not be able to relate to” - Kat’s third song is another oldie called “I’ve Got Nothing but the Blues.” She spouts to Ryan that she chose an old song, ‘cause like … now all you buttholes can’t be comparing me to other singers that are currently on the radio, so HA! It is another true Up Yours moment brought to you by McPhee, ladies and gentlemen. Not as good as Christina Ima-ho? So what? Can’t compare to Whitney Poor-people-smoke-crack? Aha! Who the heck cares, dudes? In your face! And wow, she is, man. My Hubby needs an oxygen tank when he sees Kat in the mini skirt and go-go boots. It’s so weird though, how she smiles her way through a song that is about having “the blues.” Such a Valley Girl, natch! Judges think she is so cute but kinda dumb doing a song like this and she’s like “la la la, I can’t hear you, la la la.”
Finally, it’s Taylor, and he has chosen the song, “Try a Little Tenderness” which for some reason reminds me of an A1 steak sauce commercial. This is the song that he wanted to sing during love song week but TIIC wouldn’t let him. There may have been a method to that madness, because this is finally! Taylor’s moment! The one that all of the USA has been waiting for! The Gray Charles captain of the Soul Patrol proves once and for all y’all that he can combine the good vocals with the freaky fun dancing and rock the joint out! It is so good, that I am now hoping that he wins this contest. Judges love it, love it, love it and go ahead and proclaim him the winner.
Thank goodness the show ended on a Taylor-made high note. My depression has been lifted somewhat. Now I can watch House and be happy.
General observations and other random thoughts…
I have to be honest - while I watched tonight’s show, it was half-heartedly. The other half-heart was busy downloading sexy pix of Chris for The Kid’s screensaver. Okay, yeah, and mine too.
As an AI addict, of course I read every article that I can get my eyeballs on, because I can not get enough. I even stoop to watching Idol Tonight sometimes, but please don’t tell.
However... even during the deepest depths of my obsession, I try to leave the message boards alone. I do not value the opinions of freaks, morons, half-wits, and "hatahs." And if I want a 7th grader's opinion I can ask the one I live with.
After reading the TV Guide article, which is a pretty trustworthy source, I am not so much feeling the luv for Katharine. She left me cold. To admit it would be subjecting myself to a world of hurt, but I gotta say The Kid was right. Can you say Pampered Princess in an overly muchness way?? She would definitely feel the pea under a hundred mattresses.
Who will get the boot tomorrow? I am thinking Elliott, but I have been wrong many many times. As much as I admire him, he is not a headliner; more of an opening act, albeit a fabulous one. I try to vote for him anyways, but the phone is busy the entire two hours.
Cuddy wants House so bad. (Wait, wrong show. Sorry.)
The countdown to the finale begins......
5/17/06
It’s going to take an entire hour tonight just to let us know that it’s … Yamin out! No shockers tonight. We got our bombshell last week, boys and girls, when David slew Goliath. Now whether the token David is Kat or Elliott is up for debate… at any rate, we gotta move on.
A beanied Ace and newly shorn Pickler are in the audience tonight and Ryan ribs them about being a “couple.” Ace’s fierce denials can be heard over the roar of the crowd. Soooo funny. Then Ryan tells us that 50 million votes were cast and that it’s a veddy veddy close race.
Stupid booing of The Wicked Witch of England (Ryan's words, tee hee) then it's recap time ... Elliott comes to us with open arms and Randy reminds us that he was in Journey. Katharine believes she can fly, but she “didn't pick it!” Even so, she “created a moment” for herself. Taylor's dancing in the dark with Paula who's “fantastic” for her age. Elliott asks what you won't do for love with “amazing soul.” Kat is somewhere over the rainbow and it's the “single best performance of the competition.” Taylor is all whoooooo! and it's a “great tender moment” and everyone's happy! E-Double riffing “when you know my name is Elliott Yamin!” Kat ain't got nothing but the blues but it's just “okay.” Taylor tries a little tenderness and that's “incredible.”
The Ford-mercial goes all Cocoon with the kids in old folks disguise. Except for Taylor, heh. Just kidding. They are doing some dumb rap junk, who cares what. Rap = Junk. Bottom line. Best line of the night - Ryan: “I didn't know Simon was having a party!”
Then they go on and on and on for a gazillion years about the latest X-Men movie. That same gal who asked Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” is there, along with some other Australian-sounding guy who is kinda rugged-cute. I really need to brush up on my pop culture and get with the program!
Anyway, it’s yawn city during the next several minutes, so I take this time to cook some homemade penne marinara. (Okay, homemade by Ragu and Barilla but I digress.)
It is Hometown Visit time, yay. Otherwise known as “Aunt Pearl gets all sniffly.” Especially since no one is coming back to NC dangit! Argh.
Taylor goes to meet Lt. Dan in Greenbo, ALABAMA! Actually I think it’s Birmingham. My truck driving Hubby says that there is a replica of the Statue of Liberty there, but they do not show it on the show tonight. Probably because it can not shout out “Soul Patrol” a crazillion times. At any rate, Taylor is in full blast spazz man mode during his visit home. Even jaded Me starts to feel the luv for the Hicks-man. Taylor is now my pick to win but only by default.
They are pimping the AI5 CD by having each contestant sing their cut from the album. Taylor Doobies it to the max on “Taking it to the Streets.” I thought it was so classy and cool that Taylor had Elliott and Kat dance with him.
Next is Katharine, a Valley Girl, I know right? Whatev! She goes somewhere and does something, I’m not really sure. Was in and out of consciousness. She valspeaks her way through an interview on a local news show. Quick question: do all of the female anchors in Cal-e-forn-yay look “rode hard and put up wet?” Just askin.’ Then she’s on a helicopter and her excitement is rather infectious, I have to admit.
On stage, Kat sings her cut from the AI5 CD, which is “Think” and she does a splendid job with it. Alas, after reading the TV Guide article, I don’t look at her the same anymore, which is a shame. Before, I saw a klutzy, manic, lovable lil’ gal who can sing her heiney off, but now… plastic as a “My Scene Bling Bling” Barbie doll. And what is the deal with wanting to go barefoot all the time? Can’t the stylists get her something comfy to wear? Snaaark.
Gavin DeGraw is in the house tonight! We saw him at the Avril concert last year and they were both great. Part of the 3% of “today's music” that I can tolerate.
Elliott is shown next and he proves once again and forever that he is so much more of an all around “good guy” than McPhee will ever be. He’s the Kim Possible to her Doctor Drakken. The Sydney Bristow to her Anna Espinosa. The Fox Mulder to her Cigarette Smoking Man. And so it goes… I cry a bucket of tears as I watch this guy. And it’s incredible how it seems that at least a zillion more folks show up at his event than at any of the others.
Tonight he sings his song from the CD, the fantastic “Moody’s Mood for Love,” the song that put him on the AI5 map. I had never heard this song pre-Elliott and there is no need to. No one can do this better than E-Double.
The pimping of the AI5 CD worked, 'cause I can't wait for it to come out. I will be at Wal-mart early the morning of the 23rd.
For some reason, they are now bringing the Tales from the Crypt guy out on stage. No wait, it’s Mr. Clive Davis. They are presenting him with an award and it’s all about ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching. Footage from Idols Past are shown, with Kelly C. playing the role of “Thumba-my-nose-at-ya-lina.” Heh. The ironic thing about this entire contest is that the first record that each winner does is not all that great. As Happy Bunny would say, “you suck and that’s sad.”
Finally… whew, did we think we’d ever get here? It’s “voted off the island” time. Ryan reveals that it was practically a 3-way tie. Wow. Everyone was 33 point something per cent. No one expected it to be this-close. After much suspense, Ryan finally says, “Open the case” (wah, wait wrong show.)
Drumroll… Elliott is the one going home tonight, as everyone on the planet knew. It’s okay though, Paula’s funky white boy is groovy.
Elliott and his precious mom are the best things to happen to this show, ever. His “had a bad day” video montage is inspiring and poignant. He “sings a song” to us as we watch him go from Delmar Tumnus to Superstar Hottie.
He makes the most valiant and dignified exit and could quite frankly teach Daughtry a thing or two about how to bow out gracefully. Please do not tell The Kid I said that, lest she break my legs.
He closes with last night's crystal ball line, “you will look for me and I'll be gone.” We will always know your name Elliott Yamin!
One more week y’all… so will a Yankee finally win? Kat’s place in the Top 2 disproves the whole “Left Coasters are too highbrow to vote” theory. Last year’s ‘Bama boy did not take the top prize home, but methinks that this year’s guy will be the victor.
Can I get a “Soul Patrol?”
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