AI from Memphis, thank-you-very-much

January 23, 2007

So Ryan is asking, “Why is Memphis such a ghost town?” And why are they playing the music from The Stand? It’s because all 650,000 people (give or take) are at the American Idol audition, y'all! Or maybe they are at Graceland, the 2nd most visited house in the country.

First up is a nice looking captain of the cheerleading squad who brings his cheerleaders and a marching band. He sounds pleasant enough but Simon says he is over the top and the others agree. They have put worse people through (Scott Savol anyone?) To Ryan’s delight, the marching band starts playing anyway. Simon tells them to shut up for the love of God we are doing auditions here! Poor Ryan mouths off and then cues the band to start playing again. This is quality entertainment!

Yesterday I read an article in USA Today about the backlash that AI is receiving for showcasing “special ed” type contestants. Simon and the producers explained that everyone is given the chance to back out and not have their auditions shown. Even the worst of the worst end up being mini-celebs and claiming their “15 minutes” of fame. So it’s a win/win for all these folks to look stupid in front of 37 crazillion viewers.

I am still trying to keep all of that in mind as they parade in front of us a non-personality gal, a spastic blond guy and a big-gummed girl. They are all quiet pathetic and I keep reminding myself that they will be heroes in their hometowns now.

Finally they interview a young man whose dad was a singer back in the day. They show a black and white clip of him doing what looks like break dancing. The guy is cute in a teddy bear like way but has a scruffy donkey-tail beard. When he starts singing “Stormy Monday” it doesn’t matter… he is awesome. My Hubby rewinds it several times; he has found his favorite. (He has a good ear, too; Taylor was his fave last year.) The weird beard guy makes it through to much praise.

Commercials… oooh! New Shrek movie coming this summer, yay!

Next we have a decent sounding lady with dyed red hair. They tell her she is not special enough and after much indignant pleading, crying and cussing, she screams at the camera to go away.

Then we have a montage of train wrecks sobbing, mouthing, shooting the bird, etc. This leads to a guy who looks like Lionel Ritchie a thousand years ago. I hope he is good, as he has “the look” - but he manages to be comic and scary at the same time. He is surprised to be dismissed and tells Ryan that he didn’t care what the judges thought because he liked his song, “he FELT it.” Well, we felt something too – nauseous.

Next is a pretty girl with a strange haircut. It is long in the front and short in the back, kinda like a reverse mullet. She has a great voice even though Randy is not impressed. Something about her reminds me of Jessica Sierra. Simon and Paula vote her through as Randy tells her to prove him wrong.

Day two in Memphis and it’s hugs all around for Paula fans. Please don’t encourage the stalkers, girlfriend. She is really sweet to the fans, though. This leads to the biggest Paula fan ever who goes on and on about his cheating wife. Dude, TMI. His singing is not too awful but he just embarrasses himself trying to do “Footloose.”

Now we have a “hoochie mama” type who says her sense of style is important for her “confidentiality.” Huh? The hooch and her cleavage torture the “Disco Inferno” song and it’s finally mercifully over.

Next up is a Fidel Castro looking guy who seems manic depressive until – he rocks out on a soulful Christian song from a Johnny Cash album. His voice is great but the judges are wondering if America will accept the O Brother Where Art Thou look. They put him through, cuz what the heck.

Then up is a very nervous lady who is a background vocal singer. Cute moment when Simon asks her does she hate the people she sings back up for and she swears that she doesn’t. After singing an old Stevie Wonder song with absolute perfection, the judges praise her to the skies, as they should. They are concerned about her nervousness though. Sweet lady, I will be rooting for her.

Since they are in Memphis, footage of Graceland is required by law. Ryan talks to an Elvis fan who sings, dances, and writes stories. Simon asks how does his story end and he says “with a period.” Sad thing is, the guy was not kidding. Here is the next William Hung, folks.

Now it’s a montage of bad singers maiming and then killing the “Burning Love” song by Elvis. If this was Love Connection, a couple of these folks could hook up, especially non-personality girl and that last guy. That would be a good match.

Next is a bald guy, but not in a hot-Chris way. He talks about being at the AI audition while his wife is giving birth to their second child. (Wives all across the country are throwing daggers at the TV.) He has a good personality but his voice is just meh, to me anyway. The judges like it though, so what do I know? After much banter, they vote him through to Ho’wood.

Quick flashes of some of the good folks that we did NOT get to see yet, including an Ace impersonator and a gal who splashes around in a fountain.

The ep ends with footage of Bald Guy’s wife, toddler and brand new baby. It is all very sweet, and we all know by now that this usually means that this contestant has made it through to the next round. However, TIIC has been tricky this year and a montage does not mean anything.

So Memphis brought us Sundance, the soulful guy with the weird beard. He is My Hubby’s fave so far. I liked Melinda, the background vocal singer, the one who inspired Simon’s quote of the night – “We have a lot of people who come in here with a lot of attitude and a lot of confidence, and they’re not very good. You walk in with no confidence, no attitude and yet you are a brilliant singer.”

‘Til tomorrow, when we go to New Yawk... (-:

AI from Seattle, The Peerless City

January 17, 2007

Guess what? It rains a lot in Seattle. More news from the file marked “DUH.” Also from the highlights coming up, the gene pool could use a little chlorine, dude.

No guest judge tonight, which means that Paula doesn’t have to have her butt on her shoulders for two solid hours. SNNNAP. This is a good thing.

Yesterday I heard an interview on the radio with an American Idol reject. Now this is just hearsay and I am not saying I believe this… but it’s my blog and I will gossip if I want to. This chick said that the mini-producers actually tell the horrible singers that they are GOOD. Allegedly, they build up their egos and encourage them and tell them that the judges will like them. Then, when the unsuspecting talentless folks get in front of the judges, they are appalled to learn that they actually suck. The air is let out of the proverbial balloon. If this is true, it is quiet inhumane and makes me kinda turn against this show...

But oh well, back to Seattle! Another dumb guy in a costume, dressed as Uncle Sam or some such. Omigod, it’s the “I Shot the Sheriff” guy from last season and this cop is even worse this year than last.

Next a gal who says that she is called The Hotness. She is a classic example of “wish I could buy you for what you are worth and sell you for what you THINK you are worth.” She can’t accept the fact that she is bad and way too much time is spent on this Brenna/Mikalah diva-lite. She keeps screeching even after the judges literally yell at her to stop. The quote of the night from the Hotness to Simon: “What’choo know about music?... He probably listens to that back country Englishman sheep stuff!” Too Funny.

Now we see a few quick takes of baddies, then an interview with a lady who rants about hubby not supporting her blah blah blah. Not sure why TIIC wastes so much time on these weepers when it’s evident that they are certifiable. This chick can’t sing to save her life and hope to God she goes home to her son and stays there.

Another quickie of bad singers, one of them who looks like a pre-stick-figure Nicole Ritchie. Finally, we have Darwin – she looks and sounds like MTV’s Daria all grown up. Man, those puppies are swinging, may we introduce you to Playtex?? Her mom comes in and there is much fodder about the novella they wrote about an AI-like show and it is such a waste of time for all. Darwin’s singing has not evolved into human form yet; it’s bad bad bad and goes on long long long.

Commercials, ergh … oooh previews of Dream Girls starring Golden Globe winner Jennifer Hudson, thank you very much.

More rain and dorky contestants raining tears. Oh no they are not playing “Blame it on the Rain” by those infamous lip sync'ers?? Yep. This is Idol, people; they make their own rules.

Okay finally someone pretty good. Afro Guy sings okay even though he is kinda arrogant. His jeans look like they have been buried in a field, dug back up, then shredded. Which means they are “in style.” Third time is the charm for this guy; he makes it through.

Next is a self-admitted “loud” gal who is wearing pink tights on her legs and arms, for no particular reason at all. Simon says she looks sunburned. Her outfit is weird and it gets weirder when she sings the “I like big butts and I can not lie” song as a prelude. Her audition song starts off okay but she totally loses it at the end. Ryan holds her doggie as they both listen outside the door.

Then we have a “beatbox” champion, whatever that is. He has sticky-uppy hair and looks like Ryan’s long lost little brother. He beatboxes and I can only take about a minute of that stuff before my head explodes. He does the Seal song “Crazy” and he’s pretty good even though I like the Alanis version better but I digress. Simon tells beatbox guy that he is not as good as he thinks he is but after much judge banter, they put him through. Proud dad moment ensues. You won’t get that on Spike TV.

The weirdos are out in full force, including a gal who sounds like she is vomiting. It’s very disturbing and now a Latino Michael Jackson is up. Nah. Some of these are allowed to go on way too long and it’s just filler to lead up to Simon complaining that the Seattle folks just ain’t no good.

Finally, an Indian brother/sister team, both very gorgeous and making fun banter with Ryan. The sister is rather aloof but the boy seems very sweet. The girl goes first and she has a very good voice but for some reason gets just a “eh okay” from the judges. Maybe because only Fantasia should only ever sing “Summertime” again. Anywho, she makes it through.

The brother is up next and he is absolutely adorable with a big beautiful smile and My Kid is googly-eyed. He says that he thinks his sister is a better singer but the judges say he is better after they hear him sing “Signed Sealed Delivered” with perfection. Later, the Sweetie Pie brother does not rat out the judges when Ryan asks him who they said was the better singer. My Kid is like awwww.

Next is a computer nerd whose “friends” talked him into trying out for AI. It is very distressing how even genius level people can be deviously tricked by TIIC. He is bad, it is embarrassing and he needs to get new friends.

Now we have a hit man-looking dude who looks like he works for Sonny Corinthos on General Hospital. He sings great; does a fantastic job on “Open Arms.” Two out of three judges agree and we have bragging from Randy (natch!) about being in Journey. Not sure why Simon gave this guy such a quick no, but the others get him through.

The Daniel Powter song plays as highlights from Simon’s “Bad Day” roll by. Funny stuff as Ryan says that we have had enough of that song and they quickly jerk it. More madness and more craziness play across our TV screens. It seems that the morning paper headlines touting that Seattle Sucks has ticked off the entire city.

Next we have a BFF mockumentary between John Candy’s long lost brother and Frodo’s first cousin. It would be sweet if it wasn’t so very cheesy and obviously meant to set them up to look like fools. Great show I am addicted to, I mumble while kicking myself. Frodo is bad but mouths off at Simon which is always cool, but JC Jr. is actually better than expected. They walk away into the sunset together in a Hallmark movie-of-the-week moment.

Commercials… Oooh the next ep of Bones is gonna be crunk!

Again, we have a quick take of the bad... then it’s “When Crazy Hairdressers Attack.” This guy thinks that he is the next Taylor because he has gray hair. My miniature schnauzer has gray hair, too. Heh. This guy is terrible and won’t stop until security finally has to throw his certifiable butt out of the audition room. Way too much time wasted on this guy.

Poor Ryan has flashbacks of people dissing him about being short, which leads us to the 6’7 lady, wow. She is lovely and her singing gets her through but it is mainly the novelty factor. Then it's more shattered dreams and tears and truck-driver language until finally…

We have a gorgeous 16 year-old gal. Now I do not believe that kids should audition for this show; they should be going to school dances and whatnot. But I gotta say that this gal is fabulous on a Celine Dion song. Paula and Ryan make fun of Simon because he does not recognize the name of the gal’s famous football player dad. Dude, don’t feel bad cuz I didn’t either. So Simon is like, hmmp and he pronounces that her performance was too sweet. She just smiles beautifully and could be a movie star Right Now. Doesn’t Veronica Mars’ pal Wallace need a girlfriend? Come on CW execs; check out this gal – her name is Jordin.

Now they have forced upon us a montage of horrible singers doing the “Don’t Cha” song even worse than the Pussycat Dolls do it.

Lastly, it’s a guy who is called Big Red because well… he has red hair and red beard and he is scary looking. His performance is just creepy and weird and ends the show on a sour note, pardon the pun.

So Seattle brought My Kid’s fave so far – the Indian brother, Sanjaya. His sister Shyamali is good too. My favorite is Jordin; we will see her in the Top Ten for sure.

Gotta wait six more days to find out what’s next …

AI from Minneapolis (a.k.a. “Other Door”)

January 16, 2007

They’re baaaaack! I hear the theme music and am already smiling. My Hubby, My Kid, and I are gathered ‘round the TV. It’s a good time…

First, the pre-requisite flashback to last year to remind us that Taylor Hicks took the crown. Also some braggin’ rights to previous Idol winners who have gone on to great success. “We knew them when” kinda moments.

I think they chose Minneapolis, the birthplace of Prince, as an excuse to show a clip of last year’s finale with all its glory. That final ep was really good (Ryan calls it “legendary”) but when Prince showed up it escalated into greatness. Speaking of Prince… he was the highlight of Sunday night’s Golden Globes Awards. Justin Timberlake presented the best original song award which Prince won. Justin called his name and then several awkward moments later, all of America realized that Prince ain’t in the house y’all. So Justin scrunched down at the mic (to indicate a shorter person) and said that he would like to accept this award on Prince’s behalf. That was So Funny. Of course, Prince showed up later and was able to take a bow. He had been caught in traffic or some such. I didn’t think every day annoyances happened to the rich and famous? Hmmm.

Well, on to things AI! Our fab four are all back, for it would not be the same at all without them. Tonight we have Jewel as a special guest judge. My Kid and I like Jewel okay, nothing fawn-over-worthy though. Our favorite Jewel song is from the CD This Way called “Love Me, Just Leave Me Alone.” It wins the weirdest lyrics ever award; check this: “Your mother was a wolf bite, your daddy was a cigarette. Your brother was a rosebud crossbreed with a car wreck. Your sister was a stockbroker, but you ain't nothing but a turtleneck.” Do whut Bubba?? Oh well, moving on…

As we all know, the success off such shows as Jerry Springer and The View (snnnnap!) has proven that America likes really really bad stuff. So we are going to be in for some train wrecks tonight, people.

First up, a cute blonde gal who is a make-up artist at the mall. She has the heavy duty Fargo accent going on. She raves about doing a Jewel song and is tickled to find out that the lady herself is a guest judge. Unfortunately, the chick can’t sing the Jewel song that she has picked out, the one about pancakes or some such. Jewel is like … Help Me. The cosmetician is devastated when the judges tell her to stick to make-up and it gets very undignified with lots of tears.

Next is a self-described “urban Amish” guy and there is no Elliott-ness there. Really bad, then three more quick takes of stinkers. Leading up to a little black guy who thinks he can hit notes better than Mariah Carey. He is really bad and for some reason you can hear the crowd outside the closed door of the audition room. It is distracting (to me at least.) Little guy wants some water and actually leaves. Leaves the room, leaves. Unfortunately the water does not help and he can’t take the rejection. He comes out all playa hatin.’

Paula looks extremely bored or maybe stoned or perhaps ticked that she is having to share the spotlight with another female judge. No worries, Jewel will be off to co-host that Nashville show soon.

Next up, a guy who might look like Apollo Creed if the Rocky opponent had weird looking cheekbones. Last year it was all about the crazy costumes; here's to hoping that fad has passed.

Finally, we get to a good one. Little gal explains that she was born a crack baby, but don’t feel sorry for her – she has a gift. She makes cute with Ryan before coming in before the judges. She does well on an old Jennifer Holliday song. Judges put her through to the delight of the posse waiting outside and there are good times coming for this little gal. Good for her!

Next is a “mockumentary” segment called American Idol Appeal – “forgetting your words and really screwing up.” Perky gal with a man’s tie forgets the words to Kiss and it goes on waaaaay too long.

Then a pretty ex-homeless gal who flirts with Ryan. She is from Something, Somewhere in Latin America. She tries to sing “Call Me” by Blondie and it’s just wrong. Randy asks her to do a few lines of that stupid “hips” songs by Whats-her-face who was a guest on the show last year… Paprika or something like that. My Kid says it’s SHAKIRA! Whatever. Anyways, the gal does the hips with infectious spunk and enthusiasm and squeaks by on sex appeal. (Becky O’Donahue much?)

They show fast clips of a buncha guys that didn’t make it. Then wannabe cowboy guy comes in and the drone of his voice during the interview puts me to sleep. His singing is so howling dog bad that I wake up terrified.

Navy Guy is up next. He won his ship’s version of Idol and seems very sweet. His montage is of course set to “Danger Zone” from the Top Gun movie. He sings a country song that Carrie sang in her finale and he does well with it. It would be considered an act of terrorism not to put this guy through.

So Ryan says the Midwest has turned into the “Mid Worst.” Funny guy that Ryan. To prove his statement, next up we have the Cowardly Lion girl. There are just no words to describe it so I will not even try. Then it’s a vocal coach, people! He is rather full of himself as he tortures the Aerosmith song from the Bruce Willis movie. Randy lashes out that he would never ever recommend this guy as a vocal coach. Go Randy with your bad self.

Commercials… Oooh the Principal from season seven of Buffy is on 24 now. Cool.

Next, pretty blonde gal who sings a country song. Jewel asks the duh question “so you like country music?” Would have been funny if the blonde gal said, “No actually, hate it but it worked for Carrie and that Pickler girl so what the heck??” Simon says that she is confident without being precocious but I don’t think she understood what that meant. At any rate, she is on to Ho’wood.

Now they are showing folks who quit their day jobs in order to try out for AI. This segues us to a pretty black gal whose boss flew her to the Minneapolis audition. It would be totally icky except for the fact that the gal’s sister is also there as well as the boss’s wife. The gal proceeds to massacre a Chaka Kahn song. Creepiness ensues when the boss guy comes out and she sings much better in front of him. Something about the boss guy reminds me of Joey Buttafucco.

Next is a teen boy who laments that his family is not there to support him. He bellows “California Dreaming” and is pretty good and makes it through. Lifetime Movie Network moment when he calls his mom and she screams over the phone. Couldn’t tell if it was a happy scream or not.

Then there is a cute gal who works at her parents’ body shop. Montage of her husband being overseas and her joining the army reserves. She auditions in full camo and thankfully does well because she is perky and adorable. And it is against the law to reject military folks from the contest. Just saying.

Now we have a college girl who is gorgeous and knows it and before you can say “Felicity called; she wants her hairdo back” the gal has made it through to Ho’wood. She sings Kat’s “rainbow” song because gee we haven’t heard that song enough.

Being interviewed is Ozzy Osborne in drag, who talks non stop about being an AI junkie. And now auditioning, it’s a Forrest Gump-like boy who can’t sing or dance but can juggle okay. The judges fake-politely try to encourage him to go on Simon’s other show, the one that Regis hosted last year. The boy ain’t taking the criticism though, and comes out spewing sailor language. His mom pats his back and enables his insanity, presenting us with yet another Springer moment.

Most comical scene of the night is the Ozzy gal’s horrified look as she watches the Juggling boy’s tirade. My Hubby had to rewind that on DVR like eight times, laughing all the way. Great comedy, this American Idol. Number one show in the country for a reason ya know?

Of course, Ozzy girl is so bad that to call her a howling dog is an insult to canines everywhere. My dogs look at me as if to say, “Dude. Please.”

Thank goodness, commercials… Darn. House doesn’t come back on for like ever. His speech at the Golden Globes? FUNNY.

So next is a montage of Prince’s “Kiss” assault with deadly voices. Most of these folks we have already seen. As we have all read on the internet, these performances are NOT done in front of the judges but for mini-producers and then sliced and diced together for comic relief.

Comic relief is needed for the rocker dude whose dad wants him to be a goalie. I am not sure what that means, I think it is sports related. My Kid thinks this guy is hot, especially when he says Chris is his influence. His voice is very ragged edge which is how “real” rock singers are (per My Kid.) The boy is appalled that the judges don’t think his voice is real. Simon tells him to go learn an ABBA song and come back in fifteen minutes. Which he dramatically does and it makes for good TV. Unfortunately, he kicks “Dancing Queen” in the teeth and does not make it. The judges laugh at him for being one-dimensional (????) and after begging and other indignities, they tell him to stick with his band.

Simon kisses the other three good-bye and they are finally mercifully outta Minneapolis. Previews for tomorrow show even worse stuff coming ahead so hold on...

So from Minneapolis, my fave was the crack baby gal, Denise. She has a good voice, unique sense of style and the confidence to make it.

‘Til tomorrow! And don’t forget - “OTHER DOOR!”