April 16, 2008
Ever since I was a little girl, seven has been my favorite number. But for one contestant tonight, it will be unlucky indeed.
Ryan says that 36 million votes were cast, a record setter for this season. Weird how ratings are down but votes are up, which just means the ‘tweeners are multi-voting as usual.
The group song tonight is the Mariah/Boyz II Men hit “One Sweet Day,” and it starts out with weak solos from Jason and Kristy and just goes downhill from there. Someone is way off key and it’s so terrible that my little dog is trembling.
Commercials… Don’t Forget the Lyrics: Celebrity Edition featuring Kimberley Locke. Really now Kim?
Remember the songwriting contest last year? No? Me neither. But we still have time to vote for this year’s coronation song, and if it’s bad we have no one to blame but ourselves.
Recap time… everyone looked great at what Mariah called “boot camp.” Little David can sing anything and it’s da bomb, Carly can not live if living is without Simon’s jackassery, Kristy goes on forever and ever and will never leave this show, Brooke wails about dreams and heroes and hurt feelings, Syesha goes into melismatic overload with glittery hair, Jason does not want to cry when Ryan rips Simon’s poster at the luau, Rocker Dave will always be our baby (yeah baybee yeah.)
Because his bag of tricks is empty after the nasty stunt pulled on Michael last week, tonight Ryan has fun with group place setting. Don’t blame Ryan though, no sir, it’s all Nigel’s doing.
Jason is called first and they chat about the beach and how you can’t really surf with dreads, man. Jason is then asked to stand on the left of the stage.
Rocker Dave comes next and can not form words because he is still choked up about his brother’s visit, and why won’t Ryan just leave him the heck alone? Finally, he is asked to stand on the right.
Next up is Carly who tells Simon with a big smile that he is the meanest Grinch in all of Whoville. He claims that he really doesn’t have a heart that’s two sizes too small, and his harping is all for the good of Christmas and puppies and whatnot. Anyway, she joins Jason and they poke and giggle like siblings.
Ryan starts reading Kristy’s criticisms off the card before she can even get beside of him. He’s got to pull this show in on time, y’all. She huffs a bit and is over all this American Idol crap already. Just get the girl a role on The Hills: Oregon Edition. Kristy joins the Rocker Dave side; this either looks good for KLC or bad for David.
For this week’s Ford faux-mercial, the puppets, er Idols pretend to be marionettes miserably working in an office while singing “I Want to Break Free.” As an office worker who’s very happy in my job, I am kinda offended. Hmmmph.
Next MY MAN Elliott Yamin, just back from IGB-biz in Africa, performs the song “Free.” He is in full Frodo-hair mode and is rocking a long white scarf and velvet jacket. He is just as fabulous as always. When the song is over, he and Ryan chat about the recent loss of his mother Claudette. Season 5 fans will remember her as the adorable lady who was in the audience every week, cheering on her boy. Elliott says that she is still watching him and has “we miss you mom” written on his hand. He also thanks everyone for their condolences and wishes the current crop of contestants good luck.
Back to business – Syesha, who looks extremely gorgeous tonight but does not get a chance to speak, joins Jason and Carly.
Brooke comes out with hands-on-hips but she loves everyone especially vegetarians. Maybe she doesn’t love Simon anymore. Whatever, she joins Rocker Dave and Kristy.
Only Archuleta is standing. I hope that they are not stupid enough to do that Idol trick of making Little David choose between the two groups of three. We will have to wait and see for now because...
The asinine viewer calls are next. I can’t stand these anymore, so I offer My Kid five bucks to recap this segment. She declines so I am stuck with it, dangit. Even Ryan is embarrassed.
Here goes: Kristy Lee had a horse but she sold it to get on the show or something like that, bored now. All of the judges have heard of music even before American Idol was invented, and Paula has a big flower growing out of her neck.
More chuckles and laughs, and then Randy thinks that “Cold Hearted Snake” is the Paula song that best describes Simon. Mr. Cowell thinks he’s so smart with his witty repertoire, but he’s like Happy Bunny and really thinks everybody just sucks.
Finally, all of the women are glad to know that David Cook is single, (sigh) but chatter on the ‘net has him hooked up with some chick who’s a dancer and the cousin of Ross from Friends.
Scantily clad Mariah sings her latest single “Bye Bye,” and this is the longest song I have ever heard. The song title is very appropriate given that it’s an elimination show. Just not a fan of hers so can not remain objective. She has a good voice but so do crazillions of other people. Her chit-chat with fan-boy Ryan is such an eye roller. Holla!
Back to the stage … Little David is happier than he has ever been, however he’s caught in the middle of two groups of three.
Ryan waves his wand and switches Rocker Dave for Syesha. Now things seem to make more sense, as we have Brooke, KLC and Sye on one side and Rocker Dave, Jason and Carly on the other.
Now it’s time to make David choose and he pulls a Melinda Doolittle by just sitting down in the middle. Good for him and shame on Nigel for making them do this again this year. It got old by Bo Bice. (So irritating how TIIC think we are all window-lickers.)
Little David refuses to budge even when Ryan points to the trio of Rocker Dave, Carly and Jason. So Dave and Jason sit down beside David; Carly can’t because her skirt is too tight. It’s tough being a girl, huh? They finally get to go sit on the cushy couches.
So finally we officially know the B3 is Syesha, Kristy and Brooke. Then Syesha is sent to the couches of safety.
Several awkward moments later, after judge panderings and ponderings and Kristy snarking that ha ha she made it past the top ten, we learn that Brooke is safe.
Fr-fi-eak-in-ally, cage-fighting Kristy Lee Cook is going home. She thanks America and Lee Greenwood for that song and Ryan once again begs for the horse back.
Her farewell montage reminds us of the lost pony, the long legs, the schizoid straight hair/wavy hair, her very pretty face and so-so voice. After “Amazing Grace” it was all downhill for Kristy vocally.
Kristy sits on the judges’ table and does the first verse of her good-bye song directly to Simon. Very fitting lyrics: Those days of love are gone/Our time is through.
After what seems like “Forever,” she is at last off my TV. Thank you America, even though it’s still too late for Michael. Oh yeah, so switching to sarcastic voice: gee THANKS America.
Quotes:
Kristy: “Simon can be a butt at some times. But hey that’s Simon Cowell.”
Ryan: “That’s right; no comment here.”
(Asked about the first album he ever bought)
Ryan: “What did they have back then?”
Randy: “Waaaaay back then…”
Simon: “Careful. I was ten-years-old and it was Pauler Abdul’s 'Straight Up.'”
For the record, per wikipedia: Paula is 45, Simon is 48, and Randy is 51. They all have record albums older than Ryan who is a mere 33.
‘Til next time when the theme week is songs from that Webber guy.
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