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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Hello Dolly and the Top 9


April 1, 2008

Shiny-suited Ryan starts the show with a lame and predictable April Fools’ Day joke. He says that Idol has been cancelled tonight so that Simon can be a contestant on that moronic and unwatchable lie detector show. So did anyone fall for that I wonder?

Tonight Ryan has upgraded Randy from “superstar” to “legendary.” Seacrest must owe him money or something. Paula’s bangs need trimming and she has a flower growing from her bosom. Sardonic Simon has his panties in a wad right off the bat.

They need to chop-chop since it’s only a one hour show to hear nine singers perform Dolly Parton songs. As with all coaches, Dolly will give her opinion of each contestant prior to their performance.

As I stated in an earlier post, I have adored Dolly Parton since I was a kid. I remember watching The Porter Wagoner Show with my dad, which is where we first saw Dolly. She is vivacious and giggly and very adorable. It is hard to describe someone as over-the-top Barbie-doll-like as Dolly as “genuine,” but she is the real deal.

Dolly practices “9 to 5” with the group and they all seem to be connecting with her. She’s got wigs older than all of these kids put together and a lot of wisdom to offer. Hopefully they will listen and learn from Hannah Montana’s own Aunt Dolly.

So will any of my predictions come true about tonight? Doubtful at best since right now I am ranking 103rd on the AI pool hosted by MJ’s big blog. (I am never going to Vegas so it’s okay that I don’t bet well.) My Kid advises that I should only mention the prediction if I called it right; sounds like a good plan to me. Smart kid, mine.

First up tonight is Brooke, who is doing My Kid’s favorite Dolly song, “Jolene.” We were hoping that Carly would get this one, but oh well. Dolly thinks that Brooke is “sweet and warm” and we all agree. Ms. White must have received the hair-in-eyes memo and has her bangs gently pulled back. She looks lovely and needs to now show Paula how to do that. Tonight she sits on the stage with a few stray band members and plays guitar. Her voice is somewhat breathless but she does an okay job with it. The lyrics are about a terrified wife contemplating the need to kick some red-headed, green-eyed hussy’s butt for messin’ with her man. Brooke’s big smile in the middle of the song was inappropriate for that reason. Hopefully going first will not hurt her in the race tomorrow night. Randy deems it just okay, not “stellar.” (Every time he uses that word, I think that this is what it would sound like if Matthew McConaughey ever played Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire.) He does mention that she could “make an album out of it,” which seems contradictory. I suppose that compared to the craptasticness of the Billboard charts today, Brooke was amazingly awesome, huh Mr. Jackson? Paula babbles for a decade about how Brooke White is “excellent and wonderful.” Simon thinks the song “lacked emotion,” which is true enough. He criticizes the awkwardness of the group on stage which leads to some judge caterwauling.

Next up is Rocker Dave but before he can sing, he takes a seat with Ryan in the Metal Chairs of Heated Controversy. The firestorm that’s been all over the media about David’s “covers of covers” nonsense is finally getting addressed officially. David and Ryan chat very casually about how YES, the versions of most the songs that David has performed on the show thus far have been rock-n-roll versions of the originals. Doxology, whoever the heck you are, please STHU now, ‘kay? The basis of this ever-lovin’ show features singers in a contest, who are ALL doing covers of songs made popular by someone else. Hopefully this is the last that we’ll hear of the BS. Finally, we see Dolly talk about how much she loves David and his rock voice. Tonight he is singing the folkish bluegrass ditty “Little Sparrow” and it’s David Cook Unplugged. His voice sounds very good; he is hitting ranges that he has not presented on the show before. Seems we have all underestimated this guy. I read that the orange wrist band he wears is to represent a little girl with cancer, and this makes us like him even more. Randy agrees that David has an “unbelievable range” and enjoyed the arrangement. Paula digs his haircut and says he is “well-rounded.” Simon is a wuss, always starting with the negative. He does grudgingly manage “if you can make a song about sparrows good, which actually you did, congratulations.” Oh silly Simon. It’s called a metaphor; look it up.

Now we are subjected to the very karaoke portion of the show, featuring Ramiele. Dolly says that Rami is “cute and sweet” but scared out of her wits. She loves how very tiny she is, like a little doll that you see on QVC. Tonight Ramiele is singing “Do I Ever Cross Your Mind” which is supposed to be about the heartbreak of lost love and longing. Oddly, she is turning it into an up-tempo discoesque number which is not working at all. The song is barely recognizable, and the music and background singers drown her out for the most part. This is frustrating because she has a fantastic voice; we know this from her first audition. She has not brought that to the stage yet though and week after week it gets worse instead of better. Her outfit is slightly nicer than last week, although for no apparent reason her feet are wrapped in tin foil. Randy says the funniest thing ever: “I wasn't jumping up and down, but I wasn't mad at you either.” He gives her a “six-and-a-half out of ten” which makes her pout a little bit. On the other hand Paula is “very proud” of her for connecting (?) which means that she was not listening to the words either. Simon admits that “it was cute” and she “sang it quite well” but adds the “cruise ship” analogy. I take umbrage at his comment “we're not going to remember this in ten year's time are we?” because if we remember ANY of these performances in ten years, then we are in desperate need of real lives.

Time-wasting with Ryan and Jason and a crazillion postcards from a fan. Stalk much? The dreadlocked one meets the guest coach and he is like uh Dolly who? She tries to crack jokes to no avail. I’ve come to the conclusion that he is superficially pretty to look at with a decent voice, but there’s not a lot of depth there. My Kid adores him and likes the “dreadlock ring” in his hair. Tonight he sings a song I have never heard before called “Traveling Through” (or in Dolly’s world, “Travelin’ Thru.”) He plays guitar while standing and does a much better job than last week. His voice is tender and delightful and he emotes well. We go crazy when we hear the “Jesus and God” lyric and the whole world didn’t even come to a stop. Imagine that. Randy thinks that it “started a little bit rough” but he “worked it out.” Paula proclaims that it was one of his “strongest performances” and his “voice sounded so strong and rich.” (Was that a subliminal coffee shop reference?) Simon did not like it but thankfully doesn’t criticize the Jesus lyric. He dislikes any kind of spiritual or religious undertones so we figured he’d surely loathe this one. I had prepared to make like Samara in The Ring in reverse and go through the TV to scold him in person if he said one unkind word. I can imagine Aunt Pearl lecturing Mr. Cowell, hand on hip, finger-pointing “let me tell YOU something Mister Know It All!” All done with Christian love of course.

Next on the stage is Carly, who has great hair tonight. She’ll be doing “Here You Come Again” and in the pre-package, Dolly says that Carly’s voice is better on this song than hers. Carly’s version is way different from Dolly’s and dare we say, much better. She slows it down and it’s mellow and tender and beautiful. Carly shows restraint that is unusual for a diva-like big-voiced gal. My Hubby and I agree that this is what Ann Wilson would sound like if she recorded this song. Still a bit overdone on the last note but that’s Star Search, er I mean American Idol for ya. Randy pronounces that it was “one of the better performances of the night.” Paula is practically incoherent but in between “OMGs!!” we do learn that she liked it. She calls Carly “glorious” and an “amazing talent.” To prove that he really is a jerk, he doesn’t just play one on TV, Simon says that “it was good… not great.” Man, were you even listening?? He then says one of the cruelest things ever about how he doesn’t like how Carly is dressed. Although her outfit isn’t the most flattering, that comment was uncalled for. She is a lovely young lady, multi-tats notwithstanding. If anyone needs to “have a word with whoever's dressing you at the moment,” it’s Ramiele! Ryan takes up for Carly, bless his heart, and a mini free-for-all ensues. It’s funny how Ryan seems to be talking to the face on Carly’s arm when he recites her numbers.

Dolly loves her song “Smoky Mountain Memories,” as it is truly autobiographical. She seems to be thrilled that Little David is going to perform it tonight, and says that “he has the voice to become a great, great singer.” David says that this song gives him chills and reminds him of his own home and family. He is so mature that it’s hard to remember that he is just a teeny tiny boy of seventeen. His voice is so perfect, so melodious; we are mesmerized by his singing. When he hits the line “But I'll keep leanin' on my Jesus/He'll love and guide and lead us,” it makes me cry. That is TWO references to my Lord and Savior in one AI night! Yay!! Thank you Dolly Parton for writing good songs! Randy excitedly claims, “David Archuleta is back tonight,” to which My Kid responds, “He’s always been there” then mumbled something that sounded like “doof.” Paula gushes about his amazing tone and his “beautiful aura,” and she still has the word “glorious” stuck under her hairdo. Simon succinctly says it was, “absolutely on the money.” We can almost hear the ka-ching ka-ching sounds in his head. It doesn’t matter if David wins this competition or not, he is a star. He could leave right now with Dolly and do a guest shot on the Miley Cyrus show. My Kid mentions something about David being way cuter than Zack & Cody or Drake & Josh. I have to take her word for it, as I know naught of these teenagery things.

For some reason just the mention of Kristy Lee’s name makes me roll my eyes. Kristy is up next and she’s doing “Coat of Many Colors,” another autobiographical Dolly song. The best Dolly can come up with is that KLC “made it her own.” Critique wise, that’s right down there with “you look lovely tonight.” Tonight Kristy, who does indeed look lovely, sits on the edge of the stage in a long pretty dress with amoeba designs. Her voice is better, borderline tolerable, which as Martha Stewart says is “a good thing.” This is the telling point for the cage-fighting girl from Oregon, her do or die moment. Randy tells her, “country music is definitely your wheelhouse” (what the heck is a wheelhouse anyway?) and states “this is kind of the Kristy Lee week.” The terrible noise I hear is from my little dog retching, or maybe it was My Kid. My Hubby is still mesmerized by the girl’s looks and doesn’t care about how she sounded. Yeah, this is how she got votes, folks. Paula plays the “you look stunning” card, like we knew she would but adds that it was a “beautiful performance.” Simon liked last week better and thinks it was “pleasant but forgettable.” Carrie Underwood has absolutely nothing to worry about. Ryan compliments Kristy on her French pedicure, as she is barefooted, just like a country girl should be. In a very unexpected moment, Kristy snarks out to Simon, kicking sarcasm up to its highest level. Meow!

Next up is the beautiful Syesha, who looks like a movie star tonight. This is the one prediction that I got right: she is doing “I Will Always Love You” this evening. Dolly says that Syesha has created a blend of her version and Whitney Houston’s version. I can’t help but wonder what would happen if they blended the two movies together as well – The Bodyguard goes to the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, perhaps? I can see Kevin Costner in that. Speaking of movies, Syesha channels Susie Diamond in the Fabulous Baker Boys by sitting on the piano to sing. Her performance has an old-fashioned vibe that is appealing, and her vocals are excellent on the Dolly-like verse. When she reaches for full-throttle-Whitney though, Houston we have a problem. You see, it’s like this: Syesha, the judges know Whitney Houston; Whitney Houston is a friend of theirs. Syesha, you're no Jack Kennedy, er, I mean Whitney Houston. What Randy actually says is “you took on the biggest tiger of the night, and I think you did pretty good.” Paula likes the color of her dress and says that her voice has a “velvety tone” which is true. She states that she’s connecting with the audience more, which is somewhat true. Simon gives a shout out to our guest coach by saying, “You forget what a brilliant song writer Dolly Parton is because this is one of the best pop songs ever written.” He also states that it “paled by comparison” to the real Whitney.

Aussie Michael gets the money spot tonight, so this better be good. I was telling a friend (and fellow AI fan) that my prediction for him tonight is that he will not do well. He is from Australia, so why would he know anything about Dolly Parton? Right off the bat, I am proven wrong. Michael tells Dolly that his first concert was one of hers (when he was seven), which is so cool. She likes Michael’s voice and would like to write songs for him some day. I wonder if that is code for… never mind. Tonight he sings “It’s All Wrong but It’s All Right,” a classic lonely-hearts country song. Last week when he did Queen, the judges told him he had his moment. Well, tonight he takes that moment and multiplies it by a crazillion and the grand total is awesome on every level. His voice is great and perfect on this song. He’s turned it into a passionate gospelesque bluesy tune and we love it. Randy tells Michael that he “brings it up every week a notch” and it was “blazing hot.” Glad Randy said that so I don’t have to. Paula and I both need a cold shower. She states it best, “you're a star, a rock star, a blues star ... and you look gorgeous.” They are running out of time so Simon only gets in the simple “I think this is the best I have heard you sing throughout the competition.” I have to agree with the cocky Brit this time, although I would add that it was the best of the entire night. Tell me “sexy loving lies” indeed.

Recap time… Michael stands out as the best with the Davids a close second. Carly was the best of the gals.

No one was really awful tonight but since we are forced to vote one of them home, my pick is Ramiele. Realistically though, more likely it will be Syesha. A “shocker” for B3 would be our Ms. White.

Quotes of the evening:

Simon: “This is the point where I lose my season pass to Dollywood…”

Dolly to Little David: “It's all I can do to keep from cryin’ and I’m tryin’ to keep these false eyelashes in place!”

Kristy (about Dolly): “When she said my mom was gonna be proud of me, I was excited but uhm, you know I would rather impress her than my mom at this moment.”

Ryan (to Vanna White in the audience): “I need a vowel.”

‘Til tomorrow when “Parton” is such sweet sorrow...

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