“Why Do I Love You???”

The other day, My Kid was playing a Three Days Grace CD and the song “I Hate Everything about You” came on. I couldn’t help but think about (what else??) American Idol. Because like the song says, there are so many things about it that I really dislike, so… Why. Do I. Love you?

I have taught my daughter since birth that using the word “hate” was completely wrong except for when it comes to the devil and soap opera characters. It’s acceptable to hate the devil because, well duh… he’s Satan. And it’s okay to loathe soap characters to your heart’s content because (regardless to contrary opinions of some soap fans), they are NOT REAL.

Recently, during an episode of American Idol, Simon was harshly criticizing Jason and My Kid took umbrage with his remarks. After a few minutes deep in thought, she asked me, “Does Simon fall into the category of things that I can hate?” I suppressed a giggle but then questioned why she would ask me that. She replied that he somewhat fit both types of “allowable hateable” things – there are often satanic forces at work and like soap characters, he’s not real.

We debated the issue and came to the conclusion that he doesn’t really fall into the “I can hate you” list. However, we can highly and intensely dislike the guy’s actions if we want to, but only when he is a) arrogant, b) belligerent, or c) condescending. So yeah, pretty much all the time.

The entire conversation reminded me of one of our favorite movies, the old Julia Stiles flick 10 Things I Hate About You.

One thing I like as much as AI is making lists! So here goes the latest, although it’s more like an essay. (I am long-winded about everything, especially my favorite show.)

10 Things I Hate About AI

1. All things are not created equal on American Idol. Year after year we are subjected to reels of footage of heartaches and sadness and weirdness only to find out that … TA-DA! That person never even made it to Hollywood. Why waste our time with these people? This is frustrating because inevitably there will be someone in the top 24 who has had zero screen time during the audition process. When we meet them for the first time on the stage, there is (as they say in the corporate world) no value add to that particular contestant. For every Bo Bice and Elliott Yamin there are at least ten Leslie Hunts and Jason Yeagers. (I know right, WHO?) They should leave the struggling single parents, the “my bad dad” childhood traumas, the I-survived-a-fiery-car-accidental-death-by-axe-murder-drowning victims, ad nauseum, to Dr. Phil and Oprah. TPTB know who the top 24 are going to be well in advance of when the episode premieres. The editors have plenty of time to ensure that each one of these contestants gets screen time prior to the first performance show. Even if they don’t have a sob story or next-on-Jerry-Springer lifestyle, they deserve an equal footing. Let American Idol be about SINGING. What a concept!

2. Allowing children to participate in the contest. It’s cruel and stupid; the age limit should be 18. Period, final answer, no exceptions. If you can not vote for president of the USA, you can not be a contestant on American Idol. That would be my rule if I was in charge of the AI universe. There are many who would protest this, arguing that Jordin Sparks was only 17 (!!!!) and she won last year. And what about this year’s Little Archuleta? He’s mature and handling the pressure just fine. And Paris and Lisa of season five, they did well enough. All of that is true, but this is the sitch: I live with a teenager so I know about the drama that accompanies someone that age; I see it every day. It’s like a cloud that constantly hovers, never knowing if it’s a storm cloud or a white fluffy bunny cloud. My Kid is the love and joy of my life, and she is the most mature teenager I have ever known. As a matter of fact, she’s one of the most grown-up people I have ever met. However, one cross word to her will lead to a meltdown the likes of which you’ve never seen (unless you have a teenager of your own.) They are emotional, they are hormonal, and they are still children. I do not like to watch children get upset and cry, and it saddens me when they are spoken to harshly or jerked around like puppets. If a 16-year-old is talented and wants to try out for the show, then that talent will still be there in two short years. They will be even better, with more experience. Plus, if TIIC implemented this 18+ rule, they would save brazillions of dollars from tutoring, chaperoning, and fines for breaking child labor laws. They need to listen to Aunt Pearl!!

3. The “in the box/out of the box” routine performed by the judges. They will tell a contestant one week that they need to “change it up” or to “get out of your comfort zone.” When the singer takes this advice they are often told “you need to get back to ballads cuz that jammin’ thing you just did wasn’t workin’ for me dawg.” This inconsistency is so exasperating to viewers (at least to this one) that I can’t even imagine how the kids on the show must feel. If they are strong enough they will see through the BS and just follow their own instincts. (See: Chris Daughtry.) Sadly, too many of them fall for every word they are being told, wishy-washy or not. Just imagine if the wonderful Stephanie Edwards had not been yanked about so often during her short stay last season. She coulda been a contendah!

4. Constant criticism of “song choice.” One thing that the producers do not reveal publicly is that the catalog of usable songs for the show is very limited. Each song has to be cleared, meaning they have to get permission to use it and pay a royalty fee. There are artists who flat out refuse to give Nigel & Co. rights to their songs either because they are a) halftards who do not understand that doing so will make them another small fortune, or b) idges who refuse to “compromise their integrity” (insert eye-rolling motion here), or c) quarterwits who have been living in a cave for the past seven years. At any rate, there have been dozens of contestants who have revealed in interviews that their first choice of song was unavailable so they were stuck with some drivel that they had to learn in five minutes. Because of this, the judges should lay off the “song choice” mantra. Just saying. It’s getting old.

5. Talking “around” the rumor mill. Instead of coming out and calling the elephant in the room a freakin’ ELEPHANT, they dance around the controversial issues that arise each year. This happens every season – as soon as the top 24 contestants are announced, out come the paparazzi headhunting bona fide demons-on-earth with the latest DUI mug shots, arrest records for pot, lesbo-lite photographs, throwing-things warrants, male lap dancers, twin-switching, “had a recording contract already but now it’s over,” youtube rants, etc. etc. Nigel & Co. have been quoted as saying that they don’t believe that the people who watch the show and cast the votes read anything on the internet. WHAT???? Oh to be rich and naïve to the ways of this world. Anyways, TPTB either ignore the latest TMZ-like findings or they dance around it on the show by having Ryan say things such as, “You’ve had a tough week.” Get out! The viewing audience is not stupid and most second graders know how to use the internet and google “American Idol scandals.” Wake up, ‘fess up, but don’t cover up.

6. SmackDown: Judges Edition. There are times for judge banter and times for them to STHU. When a contestant has finished singing and is standing on stage, humbly awaiting a critique, that singer deserves an honest review about their performance. Too often what they get instead is WWE starring Randy, Paula and Simon or sometimes just those last two. It is selfish for them to go on and on at each other while the contestant looks at them, probably thinking, “Hellllooooo? Still standing right here.” Often Ryan is a facilitator but he participates sometimes, too. I wish Nigel & Co. would come down from the rafters and with booming voices proclaim, “If I have to stop this car there will be no ice cream for anyone!!” Also in this category – Simon and Ryan’s faux gay-banter. Thankfully they have dialed down the “I know you are but what am I?” routine this season and we are all so GLAAD. Although I could be wrong, I do not believe that either of these men are light in the loafers. If they are, so what? They are extremely metro on a grand scale, especially Ryan. But for the love or Noriega, get out and stay out of the girly pool.

7. The mysterious red Coke cups. Some nights it is so obvious that it’s not cola or any kind of soda pop in that plastic container. Paula is not the only one who displays extremely loopy behavior as the night wears on. All three have been known to let loose with some eccentricity. Ms. Abdul most definitely takes home the Loopiest Judge of All Time award though. There are times when it’s downright embarrassing to watch her, then the very next episode she’ll be as coherent as Hillary at a Democratic convention. Many theories exist as to the reason behind the petite one’s bizarre actions: post-cheerleading- pain-disorder, chronic fatigue, alien abduction. Who knows, maybe she really is just wired differently. Straight up, now tell us, are we really gonna love her tomorrow? (Oh oh oh). Well, yes we are. At least this fan will, even though she astounds me most of the time. No matter the creepy, all three judges ultimately get the last laugh – all the way to the bank.

8. Commercials within a TV show and those absolutely annoying pop-up ads that sometimes take 1/4 of the TV screen. I can understand that sponsorship is very important to any program. However, the mesmerizing lava-like Coke icons in the “red room” and the weekly Ford faux-mercials are not the only staples this season. Now we have constant pimping of the iTunes love affair with American Idol. Complete with Apple’s squalling infant iPhones. Not only are Nigel & Co. getting their castles on private islands, Steve Jobs & Crew are as well. The “behind the scenes” look at the singers in the recording studio was just a long segment beaten-to-fit and painted-to-match an infomercial. And we are buying the stuff in droves, so mission accomplished, right? Now where’s my iPod, I need to download the latest Dave Cook song from iTunes...

9. Those stingy @$$ producers. American Idol makes crazillions of dollars each season. Every single person associated with the show is filthy stinking rich. Except for those who are the heart & soul and the bread & butter for the entire show – the contestants. There have been confirmed stories of recycled hair extensions (ewww) and subpar living conditions while the contestants are in confinement. They even have to share rooms, which just seems too thrifty. They are given a budget to work with each week for clothes but that must have been cut recently. Most of this year’s crop still look like they are off to the local burger joint instead of getting ready for the stage in front of millions of viewers. Most importantly, if families want to visit they have to do so on their own dime. This is taking “tightening the belt” too far. You would think that with all those zillions they’d be able to fork out the moola for a plane ticket. I suppose they are too busy with all the Give Back-ness, which indeed is a valuable and charitable event. However, they should spread some of the wealth around to the folks who are making them all that dough.

10. This one is not directly about the show itself, just a side effect – the American Idol “haters” that come out of the woodwork and out from under rocks from which they have crawled beneath. In spite of the list I am making right now, I do not understand why people want to climb aboard the “I hate American Idol” bandwagon. There are message boards and other forums, blogs and websites galore that play into the loathing of a show that is enjoyed by roughly 30 million viewers each week. Yes, it is our constitutional right to dislike anything we want (except Muslims and gays), but why be so vocal about hatin’ on a silly TV show? Such devotion to the distribution of negativity is plain silly. Why not spend that time on something that you DO like? It just seems like a waste of time to me. I enjoy blogging about AI because I LOVE the show; as the old Heart song says, it is “my obsession, my addiction, my drug.” There are folks who would tell me to get a life, to which I say, yes I know I need to do that. But as far as all the hatred goes, hey – don’t hate the playa’; hate the game. If you don’t wanna watch, simply don’t turn your TV to FOX from January to May and you’ll get through it just fine, I promise.

So there are my ideas for the non-existent Suggestion Box. Oh American Idol, Nigel & Co., 19E and the whole enchilada, as Joan Jett and Amanda Overmyer professed: “I Hate Myself for Loving You!” I suppose it could be worse. At least I am not blogging about the Kardashians.