DAUGHTRY ROCKS!!

Finally, the day the The Kid (and I) have been waiting for... Chris's CD is out today.

Am listening to it now and it's pretty darn awesome. The mini-poster is already on The Kid's wall. Ahhhh....

So the name of the CD is simply DAUGHTRY. He has not dropped the Chris and decided to be a one-named wonder. Daughtry is the name of The Band, thank you very much; with Chris credited as "lead vocal." That's all cool with me.

Rock on baby, rock on.

Now That it’s All Over

MY LISTS by Aunt Pearl

Most Memorable Moments
… Somewhat in order of occurrence …

Paula and Randy vote Crazy Dave into Hollywood just to tick off Simon.

“Arrogant military guy” dances with Paula, to the amusement of his wife.

“Foster home gal” disses her kids.

“I quit my job to come to this audition” gal encourages Simon to make a phone call.

Simon walks out over “Blonde Cousin Itt” argument.

Paris jokes about Ryan having a Ho’wood star but not Simon. Heh.

“I don’t do groups” and “My spirit is broken” quotes courtesy of the Devil Beard Twins.

Brenna acts like a skank ho and is chosen over the other gal who’s better.

The Devil Beard Twins are in jail for fraud.

A Brokenote Mountain parody starring the littlest cowboy.

Katharine kisses all 3 judges in a suckup yuckfest.

Simon apologizes to magnificent Mandisa.

Chris gets stuck in the elevator.

The O’Donadue twins Maxim photos instigate a scandal.

The “muzzle” dialogue (re: Brenna) between Paula and Simon is funnnny.

The Will Makar “shirt untuck” skirmish? Not so much.

My Kid and I pronounce Chris Daughtry to be the hottest guy in the universe!

Mandisa’s “dogjaw” joke is Ryan's most comical moment.

Paula switches seats with Randy after Simon ticks her off.

Ace shows off his precious little beanies, awwwww.

Simon says, “Shut up Pauler, you annoy me. It’s like being with some precocious child.”

Paris says Kevin is Chicken Little.

“One had pizza, the other had salad” and Paula had too many meds!

Kellie's “whut? a mink?” goes down in AI history.

Paula’s cup of praise overflows and then her red cup spills.

Barmaid GGW beats Basketball Girl for Top 12 spot.

Chicken Little edges out the Boondocks boy for Top 12 spot.

Kellie has “tarantulas on” but they’re not real.

Bucky has Jessica Simpson hair.

Melissa flubs her lyrics again and again…

The Chris “Live” controversy is a yawner.

Kellie’s “whut's a ballsy?” makes eyes roll everywhere.

Everyone sucks on Songs from the 21st Century theme night.

Star Search’s Lisa proves why it’s not a good idea to perform a big hit from a prior winner.

Ace shows his “permanent scar” to Paula's delight.

Mandisa’s Shackles “lifestyle” comment causes queer quivers.

Simon recants positive comments made to Katharine for the Christina Anguskankyho song, when she lands in the Bottom 2.

Is Katharine a freaky Scientologist? Have the aliens landed?

Ryan’s manly stubble is just so darn weird.

Simon quips, “Ryan, with all due respect, I’m not the one trying to look like someone out of Desperate Housewives.”

Shania proves to be bad luck for too-good-for-this-mess-anyway-Mandisa.

Kellie and Paris go all S&M for Queen night.

Taylor will never live down his “crazy little thing called” Microphone Stand Shenanigans.

Ryan tells Ace that it’s okay to wear pink.

Bucky and twin Rocky's “switching places” scandal is revealed.

Saturday Night Live parodies Taylor.

Was Ace voted off due to the Highlander hairdo?

Paula shows way too much boobies.

Kat’s “someone to watch over me” moment is Aunt Pearl’s fave vocal of the season.

Bocelli and Foster play good cop/jackass cop.

Katharine's yellow dress has an “oopsy” malfunction.

Elliott’s “song for you” makes Paula and me and a zillion others cry.

TIIC mess around with Taylor’s love song choice and fan outrage ensues.

Simon retracts his negative comments to Kat when she ends up in the Top 2. (hmmm this seems to be déjà vu in reverse…)

Yamin goes the “ducklin to swan” route and it is so freakin’ awesome!

Kellie’s outage causes me to lose a cell phone bet with My Kid.

Paris’s backpack mic comes undone and Ryan does the tag along.

Taylor drops to the floor by the end of “funky white boy.”

Katharine sings the entire “Black Horse” on her knees.

The role of Priscilla Presley is now being played by Morticia Adams.

“Pepper Dennis” asks Taylor for a “Jailhouse Rock” reprise.

Chris gets the boot - is fan complacency to blame? (or maybe it was the boxer briefs TMI?)

The band Fuel offers Chris a job as their lead singer.

Clive proves that he can’t choose good songs to save his very old life.

However, the judges rock when it comes to song choices for the contestants.

Paula gets to dance like Courtney Cox.

“You’ll know my name is Elliott Yamin!”

Katharine does great on “rainbow” again … and again.

The Gray Charles “tenderness” moment pre-grants Taylor the AI crown.

Cal-e-forn-yay doesn’t show a lot of love for their local Valley Kat.

“My Destiny” is the worst coronation song in the history of the world.

My brain will explode if I have to hear that Daniel Powter song ever again.

The premiere of the Puck –n– Pickler show is a hoot.

Katharine flees Meat Loaf.

Elliott’s sweet mom introduces her boy.

Taylor refuses Toni’s advances.

“I’m Every Woman Between the Ages of 16 and 29.”

Clay Aiken shows up disguised as kd lang.

Wow, it's PRINCE!!!

Hasselhoff cries when Taylor wins.

It’s Soul Patrol forever and ever amen!

The Best of the Worst (some of these even made it to Ho’wood!)

Sweaty Armpit Guy
Devil Beard Twins
The “I Shot the Sherriff 50 Times” Cop
Fake Suntan Girl
Ukrainian Pole Dancer
The “Gump” Inventors
Is-it-a-guy-or-is-it-a-girl?? (whatever, it’s pissed)
Wiccan Lingerie Gal
Fantasia’s Cousin
White Michael Jackson Wannabe
Filthier and Fouler than Lil Kim
The Incredible Hulk’s “Wife”
Fake Jamaican Guy
Satan With a Mullet
“Lucy Liu” Twins
Modeling School Paula Fan
Pretty Christmas Carol Diva
“My Plane Almost Crashed” Gal (from Chapel Hill)
“Fit Model” Poser
Stuck-on-Myself Ladies’ Man
The Randy Jackson Clone
The “I am a cross between Diana and Carrie” Girl
The Male Cher
“I just might be the next Clay Aiken” Boy
The Nanny Lookalike (who kept switching groups)

These folks should have had a chance to make it farther than they did…

The Barrettsmith Sisters
The Torch Singer Guy
Guy with the Good Highlights
Dental Office Rocker Gal
Crystal (the gal that Kat was arguing about)
Funeral Director Guy
Pigtail Gal with Rocker Dad
Gondolier Guy
The Old Folks Home Singer “Phoebe”

'Til January 2007...

Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!

Taylor Reuben Hicks
“Hicks never had formal music lessons. He came running up to his grandmother when he was about twelve years old saying, "Grandma, you've got to hear this!" Then he sang Otis Redding's Try A Little Tenderness for her. According to his father, when he was 5 years old he sang to random strangers the music of Kenny Rogers or Michael Jackson, to name a few. He plays guitar as well as blues harp and writes most of his own songs. Hicks bought his first harmonica when he was 16.”

Official AI Page
“Q: What is your definition of an AMERICAN IDOL?
A: Someone very talented and humble.”

All About Taylor Hicks
“Taylor’s early childhood was very much like many of us, he played most all sports growing up, and of course had a tremendous amount of passion for music.”

Gray-haired Hicks brings soul to 'Idol'
“American Idol has seen its share of pop singers, country crooners, R&B divas and rock stars, but one finalist this season stands out as a soul man.”

Simon Cowell Was Wrong About Taylor Hicks!
“While Simon Cowell would sometimes begrudgingly acknowledge how good a singer that Taylor Hicks was, he constantly criticized his dancing style, ridiculed his wardrobe, and made insinuations of intoxication.”

Taylor Hicks Gets Hometown Hero's Welcome
“Said Hicks of all the hoopla: 'I'm doing great. It's a dream come true.'”

Soul Patrol Rides On: Taylor Hicks Wins 'American Idol'
“Alabama singer defeats more traditional pop singer Katharine McPhee in evening filled with big surprises.”

Soul on Nice
“Taylor's distinctively gravelly vocals, irrepressible joy in performing, and gawkily uncommercial persona make him a hard-to-fault season 5 champ.”

Taylor Hicks Gracious Post-'AI'
“10 years [it took me] and every one of those years was worth it, you know. It's amazing that the road that I've been on and the journey that I've taken and I want to say thanks to all the voters 'cause if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here.”

Rolling Stone: Taylor Hicks on his "Idol" win
“Hear the fifth season winner as he confesses that the competition was like 'dancing with the devil'”

Taylor Fan Sites
Official Soul Patrol
Gray Charles
Taylor Fans
Soul Thing

Catching McPheever

Katharine Hope McPhee
“Born in the Sherman Oaks district of Los Angeles, Katharine has been singing since the age of two.”

Does She Have The Kiss Of An American Idol Champion?
“When Katharine McPhee did finally make it upstairs, she became the first American Idol contestant to officially make it to the top 24. Randy, Paula, and Simon each puckered up and gave Katharine a kiss on the lips to congratulate her. When Katharine got back downstairs, she told the other contestants, 'and the best part, I kissed all three judges on the lips.'”

Official American Idol Contestant Page
“Q: What are your personal goals in life?
A: Have a great family, healthy relationships, give to others who are needy and be a kick ass performer.”

Is Katharine McPhee The Misunderstood American Idol Finalist?
“Katharine seems to have a bubbly, excitable personality, and many of her fans have pointed out that what many think is conceit is actually just enthusiasm. ...The fact that the biggest dirt that has been uncovered on Katharine McPhee is that she got a little racy while practicing for a play, some vague link to scientology, and that she smiled at an inappropriate time probably signifies that she’s led a pretty clean life.”

Feeling McPhortunate
“Katharine McPhee: 'I came in second for a reason.'”

Katharine McPhee Is Candid Post-'AI'
“Her personality, stage vs. home: I don't focus on people saying things about me, they don't really know me so the way I come off on camera on the show is part of who I am ... I definitely have a fun, silly side of me, I like to make people laugh and just be silly, but sometimes it's hard to do that when you've just sung and performed, and the judges are suddenly judging you and you can't speak out, 'cause you're worried that the fans will think 'She's stuck-up, who does she think she is?'”

Katharine Congratulates '39-Year-Old' Taylor, Calls Meat Loaf Duet 'Interesting'
“'Idol' runner-up tells fans not to be sad — after all, she's got new shoes.”

Kat Fan Sites
Katharine McPhee.org
Katharine Fans
Katharine Online

Yaminion Charm

Efraym Elliott Yamin
“Elliott Yamin (pronounced yah-meen) was born in Los Angeles, California to an Israeli Jewish father, Shaul Yamin (of Iraqi heritage) and a Jewish American mother, Claudette Yamin, née Goldberg, who herself was a former professional singer. He began singing at the age of five and had no formal training.”

AI's Elliott Page
“Q: What are your personal goals in life?
A: To help educate young people about music and diabetes. I want to be an inspiration to others.”

Yamin earns strong marks on 'Idol'
“'Idol' judges praise him as second best in semifinal round”

Keen on Yamin
“Elliott's fans are more than enthused about his soulful crooning.”

Elliott’s Return
“When Richmond’s 'Idol' came to town.”

Graceful Exit
“Elliott Yamin: I felt the opposite of bitter.”

MTV Interview
“Q: You always came across as so happy. Are you really that happy?
A: Absolutely. Why not? What's there to be upset about? This is the best thing I've ever done in my life, for myself and my family. I've had the time of my life. Why not let it show?”

"Whatever Comes My Way, I'll Take It"
“Yesterday's gone and I'm living for today and tomorrow.”

Elliott Yamin Says There's Music After 'Idol'
“'American Idol' isn't the last stop on his music career and vows to carry on”

Fan Sites
Elliott Fans
Elliott Online

The Grandest of Finales

5/24/06
Before you can blink, Carrie Underwood starts singing, joined by Taylor then Katharine - “I Made it Through the Rain.” Dressed all in white and they look terrific. Then this year’s remaining top finalists join them on stage. As if that is not enough, black clad back-up singers join in.

All this before the intro even begins. WOW! We are in for an awesome night. Mr. States-the-obvious says the winner will be named tonight - news from the file marked "duh." The Kodak Theater is filled with 3000 fans.

Celebs spotted in the audience include Heather Locklear sitting with Ben Stiller and Angel-who-is-now Booth with his cute son and the gal that plays with him on Bones. (The Kid and I like that show.) Probably other stars there that I don't recognize; am a little behind on current events.

Judges are dressed as if it’s Grammy night. Set to the beat of “Another One Bites the Dust,” it’s a montage of Randy - “dude,” “you da bomb dawg,” “we got a hot one right here tonight, America!”

Next is “compassionate Paula” set to “I Get So Emotional Baby” showing some of her less loopy moments and I can’t help but love her. What a hoot! She is so much fun.

“The Ego Has Landed” Simon, who looks foxy tonight. His video is to “If You Think I’m Sexy” and the answer is Yes! “I would give myself a ten.” “Loved it!”

Finally the American Idol band gets some props. Hometowns are introduced, with the pretty O’Donahue twins in Birmingham, and Tamyra Gray in Universal City. There seems to be about a trazillion more fans in Alabama.

Princess P, our very own Paris is up first singing “We’re in this Love Together.” Then Al Jarreau who is wearing one of Ace’s beanies, joins her on stage. They sound great together especially when they do the doo doo doo doo scats. They are so cool!

Next, Chris is singing with the band Live and it’s doppelganger time. Chris is hotter though and has a better voice, methinks. The Ed guy does the really high parts. I think the name of this song is “Mystery” and the mystery could be why is Chris wearing one of Liz Taylor’s rings? The Kid is this-close to the TV and is swooning.

The next segment proves that Ryan can not pronounce Albemarle to save his life and that the AI money machine is milking the Pickler cow for all it’s worth. It’s an amusing video called Puck –n– Pickler starring Wolfgang Puck, a famous chef that talks funny ‘cause he is from Austria and Kellie Pickler, an AI5 contestant who "tawks" funny ‘cause she’s from North Carolina. It is very entertaining and you can’t help but fall in love with Pickler all over again. Too darn funny.

We go from escargot to Meat Loaf and McPhee. Meat Loaf (a.k.a. Marvin Lee Aday) starts and oh holy night he is awful, howling dog off-key. He is holding a red hankie for no apparent reason at all. Kat tries to save this fiasco but she is walking away, getting as far away from this creep as possible. They are attempting to sing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” He is doing his version and she is doing the Celine Dion version. She looks better than ever but kind of horrified at the terror that is her singing partner. Well, 1 outta 2 ain’t bad. Thank the loving Lord that it’s finally over.

By the way, where was Ryan’s montage?? He introduces the next segment, a mock awards show called The Golden Idols. Brought to you by Coke and Ford, well duh. First award is Outstanding Female Vocal and they mean “outstanding” in a bad way. Nominees are: the gorgeous black gal who sang Christmas carols off key and could not be convinced that she was bad. The fake tan girl who looked like a low rent Paris Hilton crossbred with Ashlee Simpson. And the gal who thought she was the next Aretha Franklin. She wasn’t; she gave Simon a migraine. The winner is that last one, but of course she is not there to accept the statue.

Outstanding Male Vocal nominees: the flaming black guy (one of the many) who does an Alicia Keys song badly. The sweaty armpit guy - "it’s Nigel! it’s Nigel!" And Crazy Dave, who actually made it to Hollywood courtesy of Paula and Randy’s plot to piss Simon off. And guess what, Crazy Dave wins the award, runs out on stage then falls off the stage while Ryan says “we need mace; call security.” The Kid says Dave is cool. “Weird” must be the new definition of “cool,” I suppose.

More of the Puck –n– Pickler show, this time with a live lobster scaring Kellie out of her seat. This is like Candid Camera mixed with Paula Deen crossed with Hee Haw. Mr. Puck is in the audience tonight, grinning from ear to ear.

Next, a medley from the hot guys and Kevin, heh. They are dressed in black “Taking Care of Business.” Elliott steps out on this song and they are all “working overtime.” Taylor then comes out playing his harmonica. “Tobacco Road” and Kevin trying to be hip but he just does not fit. Chris is rocking out on this song and Ace tries the falsetto stuff. Then it’s “Don’t Stop” thinking about tomorrow and Paula is crying and it’s the sweetest thing I have ever seen in my life. I simply can not wait for the tour.

The Ford video is also set to “Don’t Stop” and it’s of Taylor and Kat at a drive-in theater watching highlights and outtakes of all the previous videos from this season. Then Kat and Taylor are presented with the keys to Ford Mustang convertibles. All of the finalists should get one, for doing all those cheesy faux-mercials.

Quick jump to another Golden Idol Award. Best Family Moment nominees are: Elliott’s sweet mom, Kat’s tearful dad, and Chris’s wife Deanna who “just wants his dream to come true.” The Kid and I are both weepy at this point and when Elliott’s mom wins, I lose it. Claudette then introduces her little boy “My Elliott Yamin” who is the best thing on the show ever.

Elliott sings U2s “One” but then… Mary J. Blige barges in and takes over, practically knocking poor E-Double into the orchestra pit. Thank goodness she sings the Jesus line, what with Elliott being Jewish and all, heh. She is absolutely great even though she is wearing sideshow freak sunglasses and is doing the Taylor Hicks “dawg pound wind up” with her arms. Oh yeah, and then she remembers that Elliott is on stage with her and you better recognize! Poor thing gets kinda lost and finally just gives up. A pretty brunette in blue is sitting next to E-mom; mewonders if that is his lady friend?

So many darn commercials… Fox is pimping that dancing show. Wow, Simon has a new show coming out called Duets. And Pirates of the Caribbean 2 is not coming out until July 7th. I gotta wait that long to get my Depp/Bloom freak on? Ergh.

Next up is the most beautiful blonde gal that God ever made who sings her hit “Don’t Forget to Remember Me,” about a girl leaving home for the first time. This song makes me cry since I will be facing this situation in a scant four years. Carrie won two country music awards last night. AI and all of America should be proud of the choice they made last year.

Next Golden Idol Award called The Jackson Award for Public Speaking (snnnnap!) goes to the Lil Kim wannabe. I think her real name is Skank Ho. She is presented her award via satellite where she is in foul-mouthed mode and it is funnier than any episode of Girlfriends I have ever seen. Even though I am pretty sure that it's not the original girl doing the skit tonight.

Taylor sings “In the Ghetto” next. He is then joined by Toni Braxton who is wearing a nightie and has obviously been into Paula’s meds. Her voice is too low to hear and she mumbles the words to the song. She is trampy, especially when she tries to get Taylor to feel her up. Toni always seems to be a bit over the top, but that? Disturbing and embarrassing. Being a southern gentleman, he ain’t having none of it, so back off Bratz Doll Braxton!

Black-clad six gal finalists take the stage and start out with Shania’s “Man I Feel Like a Woman.” Next, Paris and Lisa start the “Trouble” song that Elliott did so much better. Only it is more believable when Kat says “I’m evil” - at least The Kid totally believes it. “I’m a Woman” (which was an Enjoli cologne commercial when I was a kid) is the song that they do next with Mandisa blowing everyone away and Melissa proving why she was voted off so early. The Hub thinks she is so fine, but I don’t like her Marlboro Lights voice. “Natural Woman” is next and Paris and Lisa are excellent on this song. Then it’s “I’m Every Woman,” the song Mandisa does on the AI5 Encores CD, so she gets a lead vocal and it is so magnificent. Love her so much. The Kid points out that the song fits the group on the stage and I concur, only it’s “I’m Every Woman Between the Ages of 16 and 29.”

This is the best AI show ever with the best singers ever except for Kevin and Melissa, but they won’t be at the concert so that’s okay. The Kid reminds me that the tour is selling out and are we getting our tickets soon? [Mental note to self to go online as soon as the show is over.]

Best Impersonation is the next award and nominees are: the guy who sounded like Cher and he really did. The white Michael Jackson “Thriller” freak. Pathetic “oh crap.” And the “I just might be the next Clay Aiken” gotta pee guy. Poor little creepy boy wins and they bring him back and actually let him start to sing “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” when suddenly! Look behind you! It’s kd lang folks! No wait… it’s Clay Aiken!!! The little creepy guy totally pees his pants. It is the most fun moment so far tonight. Clay is the coolest and so classy and he sings so good, in spite of Junior trying to sing with him. He looks very butch tonight too, heh. Am liking the new hairdo.

Then it’s Burt Bacharach who plays the piano as the finalists sing songs he has written. Girls in Red, Guys in Black – it’s like a game of checkers. Taylor starts “What the World Needs Now” is love sweet love and then Kat sweet Kat joins in. Puny-voiced Ace then leads “The Look of Love” and is joined by raspy-voiced Melissa and they do a duet while holding hands. Then Kellie sings “What Do You Get When You Fall in Love” and she sings it with a twang, y’all. Please go back to the cooking show with Puck. She is gorgeous, though. Bucky sings “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head” and The Kid is over the moon and so is Paula. He sounds amazing. Fabulous Mandisa is beautiful and great on “Say a Little Prayer for You.” Spectacular Lisa is in her element on the Alfie song. My man Elliott sings a song that I think is called “House is not a Home” proving that this old old stuff is his niche. Kevin provides comic relief with “What’s New Pussycat” and The Kid says that this is just unnatural and some people would find this disturbing and I try to explain to her that this song was written before that word was gross. Next is Chris, Ace and Kevin doing the theme from Arthur. “The best that you can do is fall in love.” Excellent Paris does “Close to You” and then introduces Dionne Warwick, who did not get the red dress memo. She looks fabulous in black though, and she sounds pretty decent. The Kid makes a good point when she says they should have had Paris’s grandma on which would have been way cool. Dionne sings “Walk on By” and then the finalists join her on “That’s What Friends Are For” and it is at this point that I make my call to Holly Charter and ask them to just come and get me. Dionne blew that last note and broke the spell so never mind…

The last award is the Male Bonding award and nominees are: Chris and Ace. Hey now, they are just friends, y’all! Deanna must be freaking out. Ryan and Taylor, when they got on the floor together. And the Brokenote Cowboys. They re-show the clip of the parody they did back in the Ho’wood rounds. Oh, still so funny. The Kid professes her undying love for the littlest cowboy, Garet. The cowboys win the statue! And they come out and sing “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys.” It starts off like it’s going to be another parody but ends up actually quite good. I am proud of these guys and hope they try out again next year.

Ryan teases us that we are getting to the results … but wait the lights go down, the camera pans to the stage, and OH MY GOD it is PRINCE. Yeah that Prince, the Prince of my teen-age years who rocked my world with his little bitty bad self. It just does not get better than the Purple Rain album that I had three copies of and wore all of them out. I have no idea what these songs are that he’s singing tonight but it doesn’t matter. His voice is fab and he looks good for almost half a century old. His backup singer/dancers are stretching the "G-rated" limit a little, whoa. No performer in the world is as good as this teeny tiny man. So funny how he just walks away when he is done, just like a self-absorbed celeb is expected to do. Like “bye bye my beyotches.”

Everything is just anti-climatical at this point. We are nearing the end with a Taylor/Kat duet of the Dirty Dancing anthem “I’ve Had the Time of My Life.” They have finally found a dress for Kat that fits perfectly and is not too tight and she is the most beautiful brunette creature the good Lord ever made. Their singing is just meh and the dancing is rather appalling. But they both look like superstars.

And now the moment of truth… 63.4 million votes came in! More than any presidential election, Ryan says. Well duh, Ryan – ‘tweens can’t text message or power phone vote for the prez, dude geesh. Some boring British accountant hands Ryan the envelope and finally after a thousand year pause the winner is… Taylor Hicks.

Soul patrol times eleventy-five thousand cubed and multiplied by a zillion. Birmingham, AL is going crazy, Taylor’s family members are teary and even the Knight Rider/Baywatch dude is crying. Taylor sings the “proud” song and asks everyone to join in and he is so good and it’s so cool and yes you make us proud and FINALLY we get fireworks and confetti. And more Soul Patrol and “thank yous” from Taylor and I need a sedative and I just can’t believe it’s over and will miss it so much. We end the show hearing Paula’s famous cackle.

Best show and best season ever ever ever.

And Then There Were 2

5/23/06
The American Idol Season 5 Encores CD is out today! I probably won’t buy it since I already have the songs I want. Legally of course, as I would never want to rip off the well-oiled AI machine. Speaking of which, just to prove that American Idol is Latin for Greedy Beasts, guess what they are offering this week only? Performance downloads are available for purchase, folks. But ya better act fast, they expire at COB tomorrow!

Tonight America proves once again that it prefers vanilla. Idol 2006 is like déjà vu all over again. Guy vs. Gal. Only instead of Country Girl vs. Southern Rocker, we have Valley Girl vs. the Captain of the Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!

In one corner we have Katharine “I Just Can’t Sing the Melody” McPhee. We have gotten to know Kat pretty well over the past few weeks, yet she still remains a bit mysterious. If you ask 10 people what they think, you’ll hear 10 different opinions. The Kid thinks that she is straight out of Mean Girls, but I think Kat is so “fetch” and not like Regina George at all.

The gyrating amalgamation of Charles/ Cocker /McDonald is in the second corner. Taylor “Just Be Still and Sing – Who Me??” Hicks is part wild man, part sweetie-pie, and all showman. One thing everyone can agree on – he has a smile that can light up a room. And sometimes his eyes are spooky. He is The Kid’s pick to win this year now that Chris is *sniff* gone. (Ow, she just frogged me!)

As for me, it’s a toss up. In other words, a thousand buckets of not-caring. My fave gal, Mandisa, was out way too early and my fave guy… well we know what happened to him. “The Little Bald Rocker That Could.”

You don’t have to be Allison Dubois or even Cole Sear to see the somewhat ravaged spirits in the Kodak Theater tonight. Some of these Ghosts of Idols Past will be performing on tomorrow night’s TWO HOUR results show finale.

Ryan “I Will Need Another Job Come Thursday” Seacrest makes a dramatic entrance. Oh, you diva! Some celebs up in the house tonight y’all – Mandy Moore, Ben Stiller, Christina Applegate, Taye Diggs, and was that Celine Dion or a look-a-like?

The “Yes We Found Them” judges are introduced and then given a pop quiz. “What does each contestant have to do to break out?” Platitudes are distributed all around. And Simon is wearing a jacket. (Did not get the Hell Froze Over news bulletin.)

Katharine and Taylor’s video montages are intertwined and set to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” Being a spazzy ditz, I get all teary-eyed watching this. I like both contestants equally so it is very hard to not feel all mushy. It’s McPheever vs. The Soul Patrol!

Daughtry and wife are in the house! With Ace’s brother, which proves that they really are just a big happy fam. And there’s Pickler with her pretty haircut. Blink-and-you-miss-it glances of some of the others from this year. The Pheely McOdd Parents are dressed for senior prom and they give great gush with Ryan.

First up, Katharine does a not-on-my-knees reprise of “Black Horse & the Cherry Tree.” I heard on the radio that the “real” version of this song has sky-rocketed up the charts since Kat did it a few weeks ago. Oh, the power! It is my opinion that our girl has a prettier voice than this KT chick. Kat looks eleventy-five shades of nervous as the judges pronounce her just an okay warm-up. She Val-speaks to Ryan that she chose this song because… like I’m just as good as anyone in the Top 40 right now! I am! Really, I am! And you know what? She is correct; as a matter of fact I believe that Katharine McPhee is just as good if not better than 99% of the drivel that passes for "singing" on pop radio today. She deserves those thousand roses and many more to come!

From the audience here comes Taylor, hicks’ing down the stairs. He sings “Living for the City” again, and is wearing a Barney-the-dinosaur-purple velvet jacket. For no particular reason at all. And there’s that shirt buttoned all the way to the top again. Sure wish he’d show a little man-flesh. (The Kid says EWWWW to that, tee hee.) His voice is the best I have ever heard it, and he does a potpourri of all his best moves. Up the stairs fast, down the stairs slow. Crazy eyes at the camera. Palsy, gyrate, spazz. Spin, etc. Most definitely his Best Performance Ever. He does not even break a sweat, so cool this guy. The judges think he is hot! Especially Paula “I Was a Laker Girl and Still Shake My Poms Poms” Abdul who goes all wacky with the “our outfits match” tirade. (For the record, they don't match at all. Silly Paula.) The Brit is a hoot when he admits that he was wrong way way back when he said Taylor was not AI material. A joyful Taylor thanks his brother for encouraging him to try out for the show, there are tears in his eyes and it’s just soooo awesome.

“Somewhere Over the Rainbow” is the song that Katharine re-performs next. Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Glinda and even that mean ol' Miss Gulch agree that this should go down in history as the Single Best Performance ever in the history of American Idol. Kat cashes that “moment” check and takes it to the bank. She is so gorgeous and her voice is incredible. I predicted way way back during the Ho’wood rounds that this girl would make it to the Top 2. Ryan and Kat make with the McFunny when she tries to explain the finer points of the ear monitor to him.

Taylor’s adorable parents are singled out before Taylor does his next song, “Levon.” This is not one of my favorite songs that he has done on the show, but Taylor really likes it and you can tell; he gives it his all. Vocally, he is very good, understated. Just to prove it can be done. Judges don’t like this as much but they can’t resist his wonderful and genuine smile. The Essence of Taylor Hicks should be the title of his first CD. Alas, Ryan has to break up a judge riot before this round is over.

Before Katharine’s next performance, she and her parents talk about how she has been singing since like forever. She is singing what Ryan calls “her first single” – the token AI song for this year called “My Destiny.” The beginning of this song reminds me of the Evanescence ballad until it gets all Inspirational and You Believe In Me-ish. Yikes, this is not a good song for the Kool Kitty Kat. Most parts are too low and not good for her voice at all. Methinks there is a conspiracy afoot. This song, the signature song for the winner, a song written by Someone Affiliated With The Show in Some Way. Hmmm. Unfortunately it just gets worse when the blue-robed choir joins her onstage. Oh, poor Katharine. Not Your Destiny to do This Song. And the judges lament that it was the song that was bad, not the beautiful, brilliant and amazing singer. Randy “You Are In the Dawg Pound Eternally!” Jackson does not seem to care if he offends Nigel & Co. by saying the song sucked. Heh. Kat giggles and shivers and it's sweet how she waves at her fans for the final time. She even gives Ryan a snuggle and he doesn’t even give the “ooh cooties” vibe. It’s all good, this banter, hoping to erase the bad "destiny" song from our minds forever.

Taylor and his dad reminisce about when he taught himself how to play the harmonica and how it was just the beginning of good things. Taylor’s token AI original is called “Do I Make You Proud.” Evidently there are two different “coronation” songs this year. This one is not much better than the slice of cheese that Katharine forced upon us. Am thinking that the songwriters need to seek other employment? The blue-robed choir members join in when appropriate and even though Taylor’s voice is great on this mess of a song, he seems to be thinking, “ya gotta be freakin’ kiddin’ me right??” I admire him even more for the effort he gives it. At the end he does Jumping Jacks while chanting “Soul Patrol” a zillion times. Judges are glad that he took this steaming pile of crapola tune and tried to spin gold with it. Simon “I Am Not the Anti-Christ (Madonna Is)” Cowell proclaims Taylor the winner while Randy and Paula gloat again that Simon was the one who passed on Taylor way way back during the auditions.

Okay, during the recap of tonight’s show, I made my decision. I want Taylor to win. And yes Regis-Ryan, that’s my final answer.

Unbelievable but true… Daniel Powter closes the show tonight doing the Bad Day song live, with the big screen showing highlights of this season’s show. I cry a river of tears and need to be committed to a mental institution stat! Kleenex is not enough, bring me the Bounty.

I can’t believe that it’s almost over…

Wildfire Smoldering Hot!

To my wonderful, bright, sweet Kid - I know you are still the biggest Chris Daughtry fan of all... so this page is for you. Happy birthday! Love, Mom

No worries for Chris Daughtry... he has a long, long future ahead of him!

Check out the chatter on the 'net...

The Most Shocking AI Elimination EVER
“The other Idols stood speechless, mouths agape. Even the judges - usually unflappable - didn't foresee Daughtry's ouster: Simon Cowell's jaw fell slack; Paula Abdul's eyes filled with tears.”

Chris Daughtry Gets Job Offer From Fuel
“'Chris, if you are watching, we've talked about this before, and if you want to entertain it again we'll take it and go,' Jeff Abercrombie said.”

Will Chris Daughtry Accept Fuel's Offer?
“'That's really cool,' Chris said. 'I'm flattered. You know, I don't want to say yes, and I don't want to say no right now. I just want to make sure what I decide on is the right thing for me.'”

Chris Daughtry Gets Support From His Wife and Ace Young After Elimination
“'I was really expecting her to be really out of control and I was going to have to be the one to console her,' Chris said. 'But I think it was the other way around and she was really just telling me how proud she was of me and that she was really sorry that that happened. But she said that things happen for a reason and we just have to hang on and see what that is and see that there's a bigger picture there.'”

Who Will Take The AI5 Crown?
“Will Simon Cowell have to market a Taylor Hicks album?” (It would serve him right as much as he has dissed him!! Ha!)

Chris's EW Exit Interview
“Chris Daughtry: 'I'm grateful for what I was able to do, for the way the fans took to me and were so accepting of my style. But you heard the crowd's responses. How do you go from that to being voted off? It's a big mystery. It doesn't make sense logically. I have to realize God has a bigger plan.'”

Chris Daughtry: Life After 'Idol'
“This Is Amazing: Chris Daughtry is living large after his 'Idol' stint.”

AI's Official Chris Page
“Q: Most embarrassing moments?
A: I was taking photos with my first band and my leather pants ripped and my butt was showing. It was great.”

Chris's Wikipedia Entry
“Christopher Jacob "Chris" Daughtry (born December 26, 1979) is an American singer and musician. He was the fourth-place finalist on the fifth season of American Idol.”

TV.com's Chris Page
“Christopher Jacob Daughtry has been singing as a serious effort since he was sixteen or seventeen - with no formal training! As a teenager his dream was to be a martial arts star - this eclectic guy is also handy with a brush...paint brush that is - he's quite the artist; paints and draws.”

‘Idol’ Daughtry has small-town support
“Rocker is also a father of two and a good neighbor”

Chris Daughtry, A Rock Singer On American Idol 5
“Chris Daughtry said he was inspired by Bo Bice to audition for American Idol.”

Absent Element
“Chris is the lead singer of the rock band Absent Element, a band based in Raleigh with at least two self-produced CDs, a wide following and airplay on Raleigh's WBBB 96.1 FM contemporary rock station.”

FAN SITES
The Daughtry Gang
Mr. Daughtry
Chris Daughtry Web

“Trois airs pour le trio”

5/16/06
There is something wrong with this picture... what could it be? Oh yeah, there's no Chris here! We received this latest TV Guide yesterday with the Top 3 on the cover. Big freakin' whoop. I adore Elliott, Kat is beautiful, and Taylor is a hoot. But none of them are bald, sexy, or wildfire smoldering hot with a touch of class and a hint of wicked slyness. Oh my and heavy heavy sigh.

The Kid is still beside herself about the loss of Chris, and talks about him as if he has passed on into the great beyond. “In Loving Memory” and all that. Last week, she bought a straw cowboy hat that she calls her “Chris hat.” It is similar to the hat Chris wore at the Denver audition. I keep telling her that it will get all bent if she keeps sleeping in it, but oh well…

I just can't get excited at all about tonight's show. And I have lost one of my viewing buddies – yep, The Kid. She says that she wouldn't watch it if ya paid her by the minute. And she is very serious about her lack of money-having, so she means business. As soon as she hears the AI theme music, she gets up and states firmly that she and her “Chris hat” are going to go watch Nickelodeon in the other room. She also mentions something about throwing darts at Kat’s TV Guide picture, but I confiscate it just in time. Whew! For the grazillionth time, I explain to The Kid that it is NOT Katharine’s fault that Chris is off the show. But being almost-14, she is not responsive to common sense or wisdom at all.

So, to match The Kid’s mood… tonight I am fully prepared to resent everyone and everything. Right off the bat, a smug Ryan reminds us that Chris is gone “neh neh” and I want to pull the stubble right off his chin. Tonight, he is wearing a suit that looks gayer than Tom Hanks’ Da Vinci hairdo. During these first few minutes, I am totally not following my own advice to The Kid.

At any rate, our leftovers… Elliott, Kat, and Taylor will perform 3 songs each tonight. One chosen by that trillion-year-old producer guy (Clive Davis), one chosen by a judge, and one chosen by the contestant. Mewonders which song will suck the most? I am laying bets on the last one, Contestant's Choice.

Before we get started we are told how Clive Davis was around when rock music was played with real rocks. And that he has produced many many stars, some known for their great singing talents, and others known for being white trash sluts married to K-Feds.

Round One…

First up, Mr. Davis (who is dressed in bright blue Papa Smurf) talks to Elliott about the song he has picked for him, “Open Arms” by Journey. E-Double was just a little bitty boy when this song came out, but he pretends that he has heard of it just to make the old guy happy. You can sure tell that he is out of his comfort zone when he sings this song tonight. His voice is good, but he has the deer-in-the-headlight eyes and cardboard cutout stance. He makes this cheesy 80s song his own though, bless his heart. Judges are stupid, telling him that he’s not all that and needs to step it up a bit. Fine, whatever.

Next is Katharine, who is singing “I Believe I Can Fly,” a tune infamous for its artist’s underage-girl shenanigans and its rampant use at high school graduations. Clive tells Kat that she needs to develop a style that is all her own and she’s like ... okay whatever. Even though I love Katharine’s voice, it feels like she is not even trying on this song. Or maybe she is trying too hard? I can’t figure it out. She is all over the place with it, like the talent portion of a beauty pageant. (I expect her to say, “World Peace, Stan!” a'la Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality.) My Kid did this song better when she sang it at Pre-K graduation, for pete's sake. The Hubby likes the blue satin dress that Kat’s wearing though, and I have my very own Pickler moment admiring the silver shoes. Judges criticize her song choice and Kat has a true Up Yours moment when she screeches, “But I didn’t pick the song!” Hysterical.

Lastly, Clive tells Taylor that he wants him to sing “Dancing in the Dark” and he wants so badly for him to really understand and interpret the lyrics. Then Taylor and Clive go all “this-is-obviously-being-read-from-cue-cards” as they discuss getting clearance on a Springsteen song for the first time ever. On stage, Taylor sings this song as if an army is holding machine guns at him, trained to fire at the first indication of missing a note. It is very strange and tense. He is blinky and dorkified. Again, methinks that he is trying too hard. So cool though, how Paula got to play the Courtney Cox dancing role for all of half a second. Judges for the most part thought it was pretty darn good and Paula needs some tape to hold her boobs up. Or something.

Round Two…

Evidently, each of the final three went back home for heroic visits last week. Much fanfare ensued, it was all captured on film, and we will see more of it tomorrow night.

Tonight, a clip is shown of the governor of Richmond announcing to Elliott that Paula has chosen “What You Won’t Do For Love,” yet another song that E-Double will have to learn this week. Tonight, Ryan asks her why she chose that song and after blah blah yada yada something or utter, she explains that it fits his voice. Which it does, to a wonderful T. Elliott is absolutely fabulous on this song, I loooove it! He seems more at ease while performing this one, too. And the dark blue is an excellent color for him. Elliott has come a long way from the Soggy Bottom Boy that he was four months ago. Judges say that he was great, at least that is all that my ears will accept from any of ‘em. Hmmp.

Next, a clip of Katharine being told by the mayor of L.A. (what, no Ahnuld?) that her song, chosen by Simon, is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” and you can tell that she is somewhere over the moon with excitement. This is her forte, her niche, her bread-and-butter. Which is exactly what Simon says when Ryan asks him what is the rhyme for his reason. Now onstage, Kat is one-part Bo (a cappella) one-part Fantasia (sitting on the floor) and 100 parts absolutely gorgeous (just being Kat.) This is her moment and she seizes it. She sings this song so beautifully that somewhere even Judy Garland is teary-eyed. WOW! Judges are peeing their pants with glee and hopefulness that maybe, just maybe Kat has redeemed herself.

After that hard act to follow… Taylor is shown via clip with the Gov’nah of Alerbamer. This is a fun governor, a hoot while he reads the message from Randy that his song will be the Joe Cocker classic, “You Are So Beautiful.” Randy explains to Ryan and all of us that something in the way Taylor moves is so beautiful in a Joe Cocker way, so hence this funky white boy song. Taylor proves that it is so darn hard for him to just stand there and SING, ‘cause you can sure tell that he is itchin’ to bust loose. And yep, thar he blows, letting out a big whooooo. And WTH is up with those Ted Bundy eyes, man? Scary. But all in all it’s rather nice and he sounds genuine (singing to the mirror) and it’s a good fit all around. Judges say that it was da bomb dawgs.

Round Three…

Whew! It’s like a never-ending show tonight. And I still keep waiting and waiting for Chris … dangit. Argh.

For his third song, Elliott has chosen an old Ray Charles tune that nobody has ever heard of called “I Believe to My Soul.” Now this is his element, the kind of song that I will play over and over when I get it from rickey tomorrow. I believe to my soul that this Amish-elf-meets-Tumnus is the 8th wonder of the world. He is so phenomenal, and I am left hoping that the lyrics are not prophetic, “you’re gonna look for me and I’ll be gone.” I especially liked the shout out to his own self, calling his name. Oh Nellie! Judges go ahead and say their good-byes ‘cause it is their guess that EY is going home tomorrow. Better to leave on a truly awesome note. May the Yamin Force be with you!

Keeping up the trend of “stuff the audience has never heard of and will not be able to relate to” - Kat’s third song is another oldie called “I’ve Got Nothing but the Blues.” She spouts to Ryan that she chose an old song, ‘cause like … now all you buttholes can’t be comparing me to other singers that are currently on the radio, so HA! It is another true Up Yours moment brought to you by McPhee, ladies and gentlemen. Not as good as Christina Ima-ho? So what? Can’t compare to Whitney Poor-people-smoke-crack? Aha! Who the heck cares, dudes? In your face! And wow, she is, man. My Hubby needs an oxygen tank when he sees Kat in the mini skirt and go-go boots. It’s so weird though, how she smiles her way through a song that is about having “the blues.” Such a Valley Girl, natch! Judges think she is so cute but kinda dumb doing a song like this and she’s like “la la la, I can’t hear you, la la la.”

Finally, it’s Taylor, and he has chosen the song, “Try a Little Tenderness” which for some reason reminds me of an A1 steak sauce commercial. This is the song that he wanted to sing during love song week but TIIC wouldn’t let him. There may have been a method to that madness, because this is finally! Taylor’s moment! The one that all of the USA has been waiting for! The Gray Charles captain of the Soul Patrol proves once and for all y’all that he can combine the good vocals with the freaky fun dancing and rock the joint out! It is so good, that I am now hoping that he wins this contest. Judges love it, love it, love it and go ahead and proclaim him the winner.

Thank goodness the show ended on a Taylor-made high note. My depression has been lifted somewhat. Now I can watch House and be happy.

General observations and other random thoughts…

I have to be honest - while I watched tonight’s show, it was half-heartedly. The other half-heart was busy downloading sexy pix of Chris for The Kid’s screensaver. Okay, yeah, and mine too.

As an AI addict, of course I read every article that I can get my eyeballs on, because I can not get enough. I even stoop to watching Idol Tonight sometimes, but please don’t tell.

However... even during the deepest depths of my obsession, I try to leave the message boards alone. I do not value the opinions of freaks, morons, half-wits, and "hatahs." And if I want a 7th grader's opinion I can ask the one I live with.

After reading the TV Guide article, which is a pretty trustworthy source, I am not so much feeling the luv for Katharine. She left me cold. To admit it would be subjecting myself to a world of hurt, but I gotta say The Kid was right. Can you say Pampered Princess in an overly muchness way?? She would definitely feel the pea under a hundred mattresses.

Who will get the boot tomorrow? I am thinking Elliott, but I have been wrong many many times. As much as I admire him, he is not a headliner; more of an opening act, albeit a fabulous one. I try to vote for him anyways, but the phone is busy the entire two hours.

Cuddy wants House so bad. (Wait, wrong show. Sorry.)

The countdown to the finale begins......

5/17/06

It’s going to take an entire hour tonight just to let us know that it’s … Yamin out! No shockers tonight. We got our bombshell last week, boys and girls, when David slew Goliath. Now whether the token David is Kat or Elliott is up for debate… at any rate, we gotta move on.

A beanied Ace and newly shorn Pickler are in the audience tonight and Ryan ribs them about being a “couple.” Ace’s fierce denials can be heard over the roar of the crowd. Soooo funny. Then Ryan tells us that 50 million votes were cast and that it’s a veddy veddy close race.

Stupid booing of The Wicked Witch of England (Ryan's words, tee hee) then it's recap time ... Elliott comes to us with open arms and Randy reminds us that he was in Journey. Katharine believes she can fly, but she “didn't pick it!” Even so, she “created a moment” for herself. Taylor's dancing in the dark with Paula who's “fantastic” for her age. Elliott asks what you won't do for love with “amazing soul.” Kat is somewhere over the rainbow and it's the “single best performance of the competition.” Taylor is all whoooooo! and it's a “great tender moment” and everyone's happy! E-Double riffing “when you know my name is Elliott Yamin!” Kat ain't got nothing but the blues but it's just “okay.” Taylor tries a little tenderness and that's “incredible.”

The Ford-mercial goes all Cocoon with the kids in old folks disguise. Except for Taylor, heh. Just kidding. They are doing some dumb rap junk, who cares what. Rap = Junk. Bottom line. Best line of the night - Ryan: “I didn't know Simon was having a party!”

Then they go on and on and on for a gazillion years about the latest X-Men movie. That same gal who asked Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” is there, along with some other Australian-sounding guy who is kinda rugged-cute. I really need to brush up on my pop culture and get with the program!

Anyway, it’s yawn city during the next several minutes, so I take this time to cook some homemade penne marinara. (Okay, homemade by Ragu and Barilla but I digress.)

It is Hometown Visit time, yay. Otherwise known as “Aunt Pearl gets all sniffly.” Especially since no one is coming back to NC dangit! Argh.

Taylor goes to meet Lt. Dan in Greenbo, ALABAMA! Actually I think it’s Birmingham. My truck driving Hubby says that there is a replica of the Statue of Liberty there, but they do not show it on the show tonight. Probably because it can not shout out “Soul Patrol” a crazillion times. At any rate, Taylor is in full blast spazz man mode during his visit home. Even jaded Me starts to feel the luv for the Hicks-man. Taylor is now my pick to win but only by default.

They are pimping the AI5 CD by having each contestant sing their cut from the album. Taylor Doobies it to the max on “Taking it to the Streets.” I thought it was so classy and cool that Taylor had Elliott and Kat dance with him.

Next is Katharine, a Valley Girl, I know right? Whatev! She goes somewhere and does something, I’m not really sure. Was in and out of consciousness. She valspeaks her way through an interview on a local news show. Quick question: do all of the female anchors in Cal-e-forn-yay look “rode hard and put up wet?” Just askin.’ Then she’s on a helicopter and her excitement is rather infectious, I have to admit.

On stage, Kat sings her cut from the AI5 CD, which is “Think” and she does a splendid job with it. Alas, after reading the TV Guide article, I don’t look at her the same anymore, which is a shame. Before, I saw a klutzy, manic, lovable lil’ gal who can sing her heiney off, but now… plastic as a “My Scene Bling Bling” Barbie doll. And what is the deal with wanting to go barefoot all the time? Can’t the stylists get her something comfy to wear? Snaaark.

Gavin DeGraw is in the house tonight! We saw him at the Avril concert last year and they were both great. Part of the 3% of “today's music” that I can tolerate.

Elliott is shown next and he proves once again and forever that he is so much more of an all around “good guy” than McPhee will ever be. He’s the Kim Possible to her Doctor Drakken. The Sydney Bristow to her Anna Espinosa. The Fox Mulder to her Cigarette Smoking Man. And so it goes… I cry a bucket of tears as I watch this guy. And it’s incredible how it seems that at least a zillion more folks show up at his event than at any of the others.

Tonight he sings his song from the CD, the fantastic “Moody’s Mood for Love,” the song that put him on the AI5 map. I had never heard this song pre-Elliott and there is no need to. No one can do this better than E-Double.

The pimping of the AI5 CD worked, 'cause I can't wait for it to come out. I will be at Wal-mart early the morning of the 23rd.

For some reason, they are now bringing the Tales from the Crypt guy out on stage. No wait, it’s Mr. Clive Davis. They are presenting him with an award and it’s all about ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching. Footage from Idols Past are shown, with Kelly C. playing the role of “Thumba-my-nose-at-ya-lina.” Heh. The ironic thing about this entire contest is that the first record that each winner does is not all that great. As Happy Bunny would say, “you suck and that’s sad.”

Finally… whew, did we think we’d ever get here? It’s “voted off the island” time. Ryan reveals that it was practically a 3-way tie. Wow. Everyone was 33 point something per cent. No one expected it to be this-close. After much suspense, Ryan finally says, “Open the case” (wah, wait wrong show.)

Drumroll… Elliott is the one going home tonight, as everyone on the planet knew. It’s okay though, Paula’s funky white boy is groovy.

Elliott and his precious mom are the best things to happen to this show, ever. His “had a bad day” video montage is inspiring and poignant. He “sings a song” to us as we watch him go from Delmar Tumnus to Superstar Hottie.

He makes the most valiant and dignified exit and could quite frankly teach Daughtry a thing or two about how to bow out gracefully. Please do not tell The Kid I said that, lest she break my legs.

He closes with last night's crystal ball line, “you will look for me and I'll be gone.” We will always know your name Elliott Yamin!

One more week y’all… so will a Yankee finally win? Kat’s place in the Top 2 disproves the whole “Left Coasters are too highbrow to vote” theory. Last year’s ‘Bama boy did not take the top prize home, but methinks that this year’s guy will be the victor.

Can I get a “Soul Patrol?”

The Final Four Swing Their Hips & Curl Their Lips

5/9/06
We are down to the Final Four and it’s ELVIS night! Even though I have never been a huge Elvis fan, I do think he had a great voice and was very handsome when he was younger. The movies he made sucked beyond the telling of it, but some of the movies made about him are pretty good. I have seen almost all of them at some point on Lifetime. And one of my favorite movies of all time is the one where a young Forrest Gump teaches Elvis how to dance. But I digress…

I was 12 when Elvis died and I remember it well. A news bulletin interrupted the show I was watching to announce the tragedy. I recall my mom going into the kitchen to be alone so she could cry. On that happy note…

The four remaining contestants are going to Memphis to visit the home of the King. Overheard on the way over – “Graceland, here we come baby”… “Birthplace of rock –n– roll…”

A seriously nipped/tucked Priscilla greets the idol-wannabes and then introduces them to Tommy “I Married Mariah” Mottola. He is actually kinda good-looking for an older dude (a.k.a. someone close to my age, tee hee!)

First up, Tommy works with Taylor on “Jailhouse Rock.” Tommy proves to that Foster guy from a couple weeks ago that you don’t have to be a prick to give good advice. Flash to now - Taylor palsies down the stairs of the audience looking less like Captain Kangaroo than usual. Nice outfit combo of burgundy/black. He is awesomely in his element even though the whatever-it-is around his neck (are they ear plugs?) is rather distracting. It does not faze him, as he does not miss a single note. The judges that are Not Evil agree. Taylor laughs in the face of “karaoke with a capital K.” Simon just does not want Taylor to win, but he may pull a fast one and take this thing! Funny moment when Simon says that Taylor’s performance wouldn’t work in the “real world.” Ryan to Simon: “Have you ever lived in the real world?” Touché!

Next, Chris impresses Tommy during his practice session of “Suspicious Minds.” I love that Chris is the one doing my favorite Elvis song. (Even though I like the Waylon/Jessi version of it better; the Wanted! The Outlaws album was my favorite when I was a kid.) So on stage, Chris is dressed for the ski slopes in a heavy jacket and sunglasses. Hey, did he borrow those from Bo? And if so, does he not remember what Simon said to him last year? Ah, the arrogance of youth; Chris is not learning from the mistakes of others. But anyway, he is doing good with the song, but not Waylon/Jessi good. Because, you know, heh, he can’t sing but so high. Of course, I can’t remain objective where Chris is concerned because he is like, The Man. The judges who are Not Wicked agree that Chris did a good job. Ryan asks Chris if he can borrow the jacket for his next trip to Aspen.

Everybody’s favorite Keebler elf is up next. Tommy is not so sure of Elliott but he is a kind record producer (just to prove it can be done) and he is not hypercritical. Elliott is out to prove himself tonight, yessir! I have never heard this song “If I Can Dream,” but it doesn’t matter because Elliott is remarkable as usual. He looks good tonight, in a hand-me-down suit that Ryan outgrew. Just kidding, ‘cause Ryan would not wear a wide tie. It must be a Yaminion thing. At any rate, climb aboard the E-Train of soul and enjoy the ride; it is smooth as silk. There is something about Elliott that makes me both happy and sad at the same time. Happy because he is super talented and has come so far from Richmond, VA to get where he is right now – the Final 4 of AI5. Sad because tomorrow will probably be his time to go. It doesn’t matter at this point; he is a star. And finally all three judges agree – tonight it’s Elliott turn to shine. Kudos to Ryan for also giving props to the E-man.

Saving the only gal for last… Katharine impresses Tommy during the practice session, but she is not slutty enough for his harem. Yeah, I know - snark. To prove that very fact, tonight she is wearing a sack-shirt. Also, Kat is combining two songs into a medley, “Hound Dog” and “All Shook Up.” Why? Not sure, as these songs do not go together. She must not have watched Sesame Street as a kid or else she would know these things. Okay, one song is the telling off of someone that you are getting rid of and the other is the excitement of being newly in love. Not a good match up. She sings the heck out of both songs, even though combined they don’t make sense. And she joins the Melissa McGhee hall of shame by flubbing a lyric. Big “uh oh” heard ‘round the world. Judges dis Kat six ways from Sunday, even though Paula liked her dancing. She just makes smiley faces at them, probably wondering if McMom still has that hit man’s phone number. Who cares at this point? Kat is a superstar in the making and should be making movies with Orlando Bloom.

Round Two…

Wow, Taylor is cute in a leather jacket. During pre-song Ryan banter he clears up the rumor about Lisa Marie - he did not ask the Elvis offspring out on a date. However, Tommy, if your calendar is open… nah, just kidding. The exchange of manly adoration between the two is quite adorable. On stage, he sings the worst Elvis song ever, “In the Ghetto.” I never liked this song because I just can’t picture Elvis in the ghetto… a run down shack in the woods maybe, but not the ghetto. This is a song for J.J. Evans to sing. Judges absolutely love Taylor now; they are all BFF!! Just to prove that Dan Brown is the devil and not him, Simon says that Taylor will make it to the finals. We are left with Taylor touretting “Soul Patrol, Soul Patrol.”

The adoration continues as Tommy praises Chris to the skies, as he should. ‘Cause not only does Chris have a great voice, tonight on stage he is smooo-king in a white see-through shirt. My Kid and I are too busy “oh my god’ing” at each other to even notice what song he is singing. It is “A Little Less Conversation” (Or is it a little more? Will have to look it up.) I can only say that I look forward to buying this guy’s CD, for the music as well as the pull-out poster, yay doggie. His voice on this song is real different, low and sexy, and his tone is rich, and did I say sexy? I need a defibrillator. Two out of three judges agree that Chris did great, and nobody really cares what the Brit says. Especially Chris, since he has a long career ahead of him whether he wins this thing or not. Just sayin.'

Tommy warms up to Elliott during their second practice session. Anyone made of human parts will be won over by the adorable one. On stage, Elliott joins Ryan in the “I’m not afraid of pink shirts” club. He is doing a song called “Trouble,” a number Carrie did last year. Elliott rocks the joint down on this song! His voice is incredible and he has such gorgeous eyes. However, there is no way in the world he will ever convince me that he is “bad,” no matter how many times he sings, “I’m evil.” Nope, not the delightful leprechaun. It’s unanimous with the judges – they say he is terrific, as they should. Evidently Paula was dancing during Elliott’s song, because Ryan says, “Did you see the moves that Paula was pulling off? I feel obligated to give her a dollar after that.” It was weirdly touching how Simon came to Paula’s defense.

Last but not least, Katharine is doing the classic “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” She is entertaining during her practice session with Tommy and we are all still left to wonder if he wants to add her to his posse. I would say no emphatically not. She is way too cool for him. On stage, Kat looks more beautiful than ever in a fitted and very stylish suit. The Hubby is glad to see that it looks like she’s showing a little belly tonight. Take that all ye morons who say the kitty Kat is fat. I so loathe the message boards with the heat of a thousand hells because of the idiots who dis this gal. On her worst night ever, she is a crazillion times better than the crapola on the radio right now. (“My hump, my hump! To-da-ay's music sucks!” I rest my case.) Even The Kid, who thinks that Kat is a pampered princess, does not agree that Kat is overweight at all, and that the detractors are just jealous. As for Kat's singing tonight, there is a 3-way split with the judges – Randy liked this better than the first song, Paula liked the previous fun Kat better, and Simon rips her a new one. Again. Then says something about apple pie. Whatever.

So during review time, it is evident that the real winner tonight is Elvis himself. No one can do his songs like he can. There is still only one “king.”

5/10/06

Ryan is once again sporting his best black-on-black suit from the Regis collection as he reminds us that we are soon to be down to just trois.

It was all about Elvis last night, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.

Recapping... Taylor jailhouse karaokes but comes back from the ghetto. Chris is suspicious about less conversation. Katharine is manic Broadway apple pie. Elliott's dreams come true 'cause he's evil trouble!

The Ford video tonight to “Wonderful World” is for the Hybrid and my very favorite muppet makes a cameo appearance - yay Kermit! And hands off him Kat, or Miss Piggy will hurt you.

Clips of the kids' trip to Graceland reveal the famous Jungle Room, a trizillion gold records, and the hugeass grave site. Oh, and that the role of Corpse Bride was played by Priscilla Presley. (Shiver and shudder with fright, brrrrr.)

Lisa Marie is rather pretty, and still looks like her dad. She actually gives the contestants the time of day, and a golf cart ride. Didn't she have her own singing career for like five minutes? How'd that work out for ya, LM? (Multi-crazillionaires, geesh! So wishy-washy.)

Our final four do a great job on the Elvis medley. The singing is even better than last night for the most part. The choreography though - not so good. I was a little worried there while all four were on the little ledge. And I needed some wine to go with the cheesy sing out to Paula. Ugh.

So in the audience tonight, is the pretty blonde gal who used to be married to John Stamos but is now engaged to some other guy, Jerry something. Gee, she traded down. At any rate, Ryan makes cute conversation with her (and by “cute” I mean totally staged and scripted) and she asks Taylor to sing “Jailhouse Rock” again, pretty please? WTH??

Since he really doesn't have a choice, Taylor gets up and does his thang. I am distracted by his ill-fitting shirt that is buttoned so high that it seems to be cutting off his circulation. Loosen up dude!

Ryan asks Elliott to stand beside Taylor, with Chris and Katharine together and Ryan in the middle. One of these duos is the bottom two.

After 17 thousand hours of commercials, we finally learn that Chris and Kat are bottom feeders. Ryan spouts off about how Chris has been the contender since day one. Then ... with the quickness! Ryan reveals, “Chris-you-are-going-home-tonight-the-journey-ends-here-for-you.”
Now there are two things happening... there's the thing that's occuring onstage in Ho'wood right now, and there's the much more exciting event going on in my house.

In Ho'wood, everyone in the audience just drops into a dead faint. Chris is paralyzed with flabbergastment. Katharine has a series of strokes from the shock of still being in the running. Her McMom makes a quick call to cancel the hit man once again. Paramedics come in to resuscitate Simon who has collapsed. And Paula - well she just flatlines, never to recover. Film at 11. Meanwhile, Ryan is like “nah-nah-nah-nah, you thought you were gonna wi-innn.”

At my house, The Kid jumps up and runs faster than the speed of light to her room and slams the door. I am too distracted by all the slamming noises to realize what is happening on the TV. She proclaims that American Idol and everyone associated with it are “gay” (and evidently the definition of that word no longer has anything to do with sexual orientation, at least for middle schoolers. Who knew?)

On TV, Chris looks shocked and pissed. And pissed and shocked. Like someone just called his baby ugly. His video montage, which reminds us of the trizillion reasons that we love him so much, is set to the even sadder version of “Bad Day” and ends with Simon saying “Chris...Thank God for Chris.”

Then the bald rocker dude does an angry-man sing out before that stupidassed Unan1mous show breaks in. I am too shocked to move and will just have to take a break ... So so sad now.

Two hours later...

Am still in too much shock to move, think, or even blink, much less type. I keep telling myself: It is just a TV show.

Ladies and gentlemen... Daughtry has left the building.

Chris was voted off tonight. Those five words just DO NOT make sense.

My Kid has locked herself in her room and will not come out. She cries herself to sleep, which is really not too atypical for a young teenage drama queen. Right now, I feel worse for her than I do Chris. The Hubby thinks that The Kid and I are both crazy as loons for caring as much as we do. But he was never a big Chris fan, so he is kinda gloating which is not helping!

Repeat after me eleventy-five grazillion times:
It is just a TV show!!!

Whew! Now that I have had a couple of hours to think about it, this is actually a good thing. Now Chris will not be tied down to a totally suckful 19E contract. The E stands for Evil, right? Plus, rumor mill has it that Fuel wants him for their lead singer Right Now. So he is better off.

Truly. No, I mean it, f'real. No sour grapes here. Nosiree.

It is just a TV show!!! Heavy heavy sigh...

Five Alive Do Two Apiece

5/2/06
Tonight we are down to 5… a number you can count on just one hand. And we still have an hour to fill (37 minutes not counting commercials) so this means each contestant gets to sing two songs tonight. Yay!

The first song will be from each kid’s birth year – and I can call them “kids” because I have Blondie albums older than all five of them put together. The second song will be something currently on any of the Billboard charts.

[Open note to TIIC of AI5: STOP IT with the booing of Simon. It is getting older than the “Seacrest out” thing last year. So stop. Please. Thanks! Love, Aunt Pearl]

While the feeble banter portion of the show is ensuing, I observe that Paula has great hair tonight. I mean really, really great hair. Going to the senior prom great. Today is my wedding day great. “I would like to thank the Academy” great. Chocolate-covered-cream-filled donuts great. Okay, maybe not that last one. But I digress…

First up, is the sweetest human in this or any other world, Elliott. Clips show him as a cute little baby with big eyes, and he talks about biting his nails. Too adorable. He sings a song called “On Broadway” and I think he does really well with it. Dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo. This song is perfect for his voice and he seems entirely comfortable. Am not loving his outfit tonight though – the gold tie? Uh uh. I chuckle when he hits the line, “and I can play this heyah guitar… and I won’t stop 'til I’m a star.” You are already a star, my Elven man. Two out of three judges agree. Apparently, the Saruman of the bunch is listening and watching from Middle-earth, ‘cause he says crazy stuff like it was not Elliott’s best. WhatEVer. Elliott is wondrous and more special than anyone in the Kingdom of Mirkwood.

The ever-changing Paris is next, and since she is just a toddler, her baby pics are very recent. Awesomely cute, and just awesome period, talking about being a tomboy. Paula’s hair stylist must have gotten ahold of her head, ‘cause she looks fantastic. I have liked Paris since her audition, when she blew me away with that jazzy “Take Five” song. But she has the whole “Madonna syndrome” of re-doing herself week after week. It gets confusing. I love the Prince song she sings, “Kiss” and everyone can agree that she sings it better than Julia Roberts. (Paris was only 2 when that movie came out, so she won’t know.) Judges for the most part, are “grinning through their teeth” as my granny used to say. Doing the fake “we like you” bit, but you can tell there is the underlying “we want you voted off NOW dangit!” vibe going. Buttholes. Well, except for Grump, who flat out says she was screechy or some crap. To prove she is a class act, she thanks him anyway. The Twenty Faces of Paris, I am here to tell you that me and all of mine love all of you.

Okay, so Chris as a kid… not as fine as Chris the grown-up. He talks about always wanting to be in the spotlight, ever since he was a wee lad. Gosh, it gets hot in my living room when The Kid and I watch Chris. He sings “Renegade” by Styx, one of the only listen to-able songs by that group, in my honest opinion. (I don’t care what Adam Sandler says.) This is by far the most perfect song he could have chosen. Aside from the fact that he is enchanting to look at, he can SING his fine heiney off. Dear Paula, I am a mess! The Kid is also a mess and she immediately gets on the internet to look at pictures of him. Then she finds a Chris T-shirt she wants really bad for her birthday. I do NOT make ANY bets with her!! (See last week.) “Oh Mama, I’m in fear for my life” as the song says; a heart attack may be coming for me. Chris is smoldering and the judges are in puppy dog lust heaven, too. Only issue - Big Daddy Simon is a little too obvious with his pimping of Chris; I do not agree that it was a million times better than the other two. It is no secret that Chris is the anointed one; he is the most marketable this year. And it’s a white boy’s turn to win. Statistically speaking.

Next, Ryan and Katharine talk about her dress coming undone last week and her showing her unmentionables. Ryan shrugs it off, ‘cause heh after all who looks at girls, right? Kat counters by saying that she knows guys everywhere were rewinding that TiVo! So there!! Clips show her as a very serious-looking little girl and she talks about how she used to be all quiet and stuff. Then she sings “Against All Odds” and I have to admit that the only thing I think about when I hear this song is how dang HOT Jeff Bridges was in the movie and how bad I hated the ending. (I wanted Rachel Ward to “just turn around… turn around and see me cry” as the song says, but I digress.) Once again, the judges are stupid, disagreeing with me. They think she sucked, and even Kat apologized for sucking. Ahem, there are no Kellie Picklers here, you do not need to go there! So Kat hit a couple of bad notes… it was 95% good as far as methinks. It’s rather amusing how the Scrooge judge tiptoes oh-so delicately; lest he incur the wrath of McMother's hit man? Heh. The Kid does not like Kat, she says that Katharine reminds her of the “popular” girls, you know the ones in the Lohan/Duff movies, where “popular” means “evil.” I just roll my eyes at her and sigh heavily.

The gray-haired dude that I loved from his audition… he is here tonight, y’all. Clips of Taylor as a little boy show that he was not always gray. Funny, the quip about having more hair style changes than Ryan. Snark! Then he gets down with his bad self! In full gyrating, Tourettes, palsy-mode, full blast, in an ugly loud shirt straight from the 70s. He rocks out on “Play That Funky Music White Boy,” a song that we could not play at my high school, lest a race riot resulted. Yeah, I know, it was sad. Anyways, Taylor rocks it, bounces it, throws it up in the air, catches it, and then lies on the freakin' floor with it. I have to avert my eyes there for a sec. Too weird for this oldish woman. Judges are like, dude, WTH?? Ryan is overtaken with mirth and then HE lies on the floor with Taylor. One of the best comical moments on the show EVER. Taylor, baby, I ain’t in the Soul Patrol, but you da bomb man. Am loving you all over again!

Part Two…

Songs from “today’s Billboard charts.” Otherwise known as “junk I have never heard of and would not listen to if they were giving it away free at Sam Goody’s.” Or something to that effect. They pimp that “Bad Day” song, then brag on past idols Kelly and Carrie.

First, Elliott has much better looking clothes as he sings … something kind of nice but boring by some guy I have never heard of, sigh. It is a pretty song, and ya darn tootin’ I will be downloading it from rickey first thing tomorrow morning. Love me some Elliott. You know, he sounds 100 times better on an MP3, especially when I listen with headphones. He is right-there. It’s great! And I know I have said this eleventy-five times, but he has come so far looks-wise since the season began. I want to hug him and pat him on the back. What’s worrying me though about this song, is that he goes on and on about wanting to “go home,” and this could be a not-good sign. Elliott, too precious for words, runs to Ryan before standing before the Three Orcs. And ha!! They are relatively kind, except the third one says the same thing I did about the “going home” thing. Whatta ya know? Twisted minds think alike. Here’s your hook, Sauron! Stick it! Elliott is endearing and droll and I just noticed, he is even tinier than Ryan. Heh.

Paris is wearing a red 80’s-style belt with a camouflage top and astronaut pants. Dressing in the dark much? She is singing a Mary J. Blige song, someone I have actually heard of. But the only song I really know of hers is the one about “no hateration, holleration in this dancery.” Man, I love that song!! Alas, it is not the one that little Paris is doing, even though this one is okay. The thing about her being so young and singing these types of songs, well it makes me understand why girls are spitting out babies younger and younger. And that makes me worry real badly since I have a teenager. While I meander, an odd thing happens… the audio fades for a second, as if Paris is being bleeped. Is it a wordy-durd lyric? I anxiously wait to see if the judges say anything about it, but they don’t mention it at all. Hmmm. They are actually telling her nice things, otherwise known as the kiss of death. During Ryan-banter, Paris is gracious and resigned to the fact that her days are numbered. [Note to self: check the message boards tomorrow for chatter on that bleep. Note to self #2: never mind, I do not care enough to go to any of those hell holes.]

So Chris is next, looking good like a rocker boy should in a leather jacket and stubble, but with a mysterious Clorox-like stain on his jeans. He is singing. Dramatic pause. A rock song. And it’s uhn eh, but I don’t tell The Kid lest she slay me. “I Dare You” as the song title says. She is so in puppy love with Chris, but she is only almost-14. I remember being that age and how it was to be in puppy love with Shaun Cassidy, so it is all good, keeping it at a far far distance like that. I predict that in oh, five or six years, when her dad and I allow her to date, that she will be bringing home bald dudes with wallet chains. That’s okay, just no tattoos or body-piercings ‘cause ugh. And no motorcycles. But I am getting ahead of myself while digressing. Chris is hot, the judges love him, The Kid loves him, I want him for my computer’s screensaver, and will be first in line to buy his CD when he wins this thang, ‘cause he’s gonna, there is no question. Simon's stamp of approval notwithstanding. Worried about him losing his voice though, as are Ryan, the judges and the rest of the whole known universe.

Katharine is singing a song that actually sounds kind of catchy and familiar, but that must be only an illusion because most of “today’s” so-called music is fullacrap. Okay, so she is down on her knees, and dancing somewhat … it is very strange. I can just HEAR the pundits tomorrow… Taylor lies on the floor! How cool! Kat is on her knees! *Cough* slut! There are two guys sitting there playing some drum thingys and she seems to be singing the song to them. For no particular reason at all, and they like it, too. Kat is very good on this song and I am thinking, okay now stand up, come on, you can do it. She doesn’t. She keeps knee dancing. Oh well. I am old and I admit that, whole-heartedly and without shame. Judges now think she is the cutest! With cute toenails painted teal to match her shirt. I am embarrassed for everyone, even though I love Kat. (Careful judges, McMom just might have you in the cross-hairs!) Thank goodness they all liked her, but I don’t think Kat cares anymore.

Everyone who does not live in a cave knows the song that Taylor is doing – “Something” by the Beatles. Through some weird magic of a compilation CD of Beatles Greatest Hits being released NOW, and yep this song is on the charts. Interesting. Taylor sings this song with much elegance and understated movement. And he has on a very nice purple shirt that looks great with his hair. (Somehow it all comes back to hair tonight.) He is an old pro with an even older soul. Really really like him on this, only I don’t feel like he is “feeling” the lyrics, you know? Like, has he ever really been in love? Well, with someone other than himself. If he has, it is not coming through, I mean Paul REALLY loved Linda. I ain’t gettin’ that from the Tay-man. He’s splendid though, so it’s okay. Judges like it okay, too, and wow when ol’ Andy Rooney-lite gives him praise, Taylor goes all Ace Young with the yahoos. Awww. I miss looking at Ace, but there he is in the audience tonight.

Kinda funny, the show ran short so Ryan asks the judges to throw in their last 2 cents worth. The contestants huddle nervously on the stage during this, with Kat obviously having to pee, Chris wanting out of the hot leather jacket now please, and Elliott biting his nails (just like he says he does.)

So tomorrow we shall see who makes it …. As long as Ell-i-ott doesn’t “phone home,” it’s all good for me.

Final thoughts ...

Rumor has it that during the finale, it will cost gazillions of dollars to air a commercial during AI5. So the only general observations I have this time are about the commercials…

The Ford “Bold” commercial that shows the lady shaving her head amidst possible cancer paraphernalia… that disturbed me a little. If I get cancer, my hair will go kicking and screaming. (Like my little angel girl Katie who lives in heaven now. She held on to hers as long as she could.)
I loathe opera and don't understand why any ad agency would use it to try to sell stuff. (Except maybe opera tickets? Heh.)

MacGyver is still the coolest and MasterCard agrees.

Katharine McPhee is prettier than any of the popsicle-stick-looking girls on any of these commercials. So hmmp.

My Kid wants to see that “Just My Luck” movie. Ugh. Am sooo over Ho-han.

Why the heck is Bill Pullman still milking that Twister flick? “Cow.” And Ben Stein… Ferris Bueller was over how long ago?? “Anyone?”

Does Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas think she’s hot stuff or what? Geez, over-confident much?

Just how much Coca-Cola can one pimp in an hour’s time?

I want a pink cell phone! I should make a bet with The Kid…

Definition of super delicious hot? Two words – Hugh Laurie. “House” is up next.

5/3/06

It’s time to say adios to someone and I am guessing it will be Paris. Of course, this is just common sense, plus all the online polls, and the fact that she has been in the bottom 3 like a trizillion times now. Love her anyway.

A few familiar faces in the audience tonight, that look happier to be there tonight than Ryan does. Melissa Gilbert, Carmen Electra. I did not see Bruce Boxleitner nor that INXS host guy, whatshisgrossassname.

Ryan does make a point to speak directly to Paula, heh heh. And even smoozes her a little. Surely, it’s from the “we hate each other” rumors circulating all over the place.

It is 20 questions time, or in this case 5 questions, one for each Idol-wannabe. Everyone is long-winded except for Chris, who must be resting his voice after last night. Not for long though, as it is group sing time, yay. Have never heard this song, “Together We Are One” but it is okay, one of those Big Production Numbers that are supposed to Touch Your Heart. Kat and Elliott are the best on this kind of song. A bunch of folks all dressed in black join the five on the stage, for no particular reason. Representin' I suppose.

This week’s faux-mercial for Ford is to “Hollywood City” and shows the kids cruising around town gawking at freaks, flamers, weirdos, and skate-boarding dogs. They laugh and laugh. Until… they get out of the car and catch this… they are each dressed like … well, as far as I can tell… Paris is Tina Turner maybe? Chris is Tom Petty in the Alice-in-Wonderland-like video (and he is more fine than EVER!!!) Elliott is a white Dennis Rodman perhaps? (how funny would that be with his ex in the audience, heh.) To quote The Hubby, Kat is beautiful in a Jaclyn Smith (25 years ago) kinda way. And Taylor, I think he is The Gladiator? Fun stuff. Love this American Idol. Number One every single week for a reason ya know!

Back in the studio, everyone giggles and you can tell that Chris and Kat are reflecting about how darn hot they are. Nah, just being snarky, hold the cards and letters. And bullets, heh.

Recapping… Paris wanting your extra time and your kiss; then shoutin’ out some Mary J. Chris on the run from the law; then screaming something about fire. Taylor doesn’t want to leave her now; and playing funky music for a white boy. Kat counting to four, no you’re not the one for me; then take a look at me now. Elliott on Broadway; then wanting to go home.

By the way, the Ryan line to Simon: “Is that your final answer?” LOVED it. Was the millionaire show’s number one fan for years back when it was good and had Regis.

The 4 remaining kids are going to Graceland, because next week is Elvis themed, thank-you-thank-you-very-much.

Taylor. Safe. Chris. Safe. Paris. Bottom Two. She sings “Kiss” again and rocks it even better than last night. (Even though Prince lyrics are always disturbing since he is such a skank ho; loved him anyway back in the day.) Paris shows she is just a little bitty girl by asking meticulous metro Ryan to hold her gum! Now that was a priceless moment worthy of MasterCard. Also, live television proves to be comedic when Paris's microphone comes undone (the backpack thingy) and Ryan gets it and follows her around the stage. Too. Freakin'. Funny. (Ryan, you got moves we never seen.)

Next. Kat. Safe. Elliott. Bottom Two. He sings “On Broadway” because the going home song would just be wrong. And incorrect, since Paris is the one that is going home tonight. She is classy and seems okay with it. It’s like this… I have a prom to go to, where I can be Princess P with my friends, and I don’t wanna be a slave to 19E for the next gazillion years anyways. So there! Hmmmp.

The journey of Paris begins with her incredible audition, then everyone and his great aunt giving her props, as they should. None of the Parises ever gave a bad performance. She signs off with two notes of the MJB song. Love you Paris!!

Okay, so Paris leaving was not a shocker. I will tell you what a shocker is!! The ending of tonight’s episode (Season 2, episode 20) of Lost. Oh. My. God.

The Top Six Sing Love Songs

4/25/06
Ryan is wearing a gorgeous blue tie tonight. So funny how he says Simon is “so old” – ha! He is the same age as My Hubby. Who is sexier than ever and it's just not fair but I digress.

Cue the candlelight, ‘cause the kids will be doing looooove songs tonight. F’real. But first an ode to this week's token celeb, an opera guy, Andrea Bocelli. Celine Dion says that if God sang, His voice would sound like this guy. He seems pretty cool and I like his accent. I am not into opera AT ALL so this segment is zzzzzzzzz. Each contestant is coached this week by Andrea and a producer guy named David something who has a Simon-like seriousness about him.

First up, Katharine. Andrea and David are impressed with her, as they should be. And wow, she is absolutely stunning to look at tonight. Her hair, makeup, and voice are A1 perfection. Not sure about the dress, though. (The Hubby says that Kat has borrowed Paula’s cleavage tonight, and he is thrilled about that.) Even though I don’t particularly like the Whitney Houston song she sings, Kat does it better than Whitney, in my opinion. Judges disagree: “that didn’t come close, baby, sorry,” “there were pitch problems,” “you are a star, you were born to sing,” “by choosing that song… you are saying you are as good as Whitney Houston, and you’re not.” Katharine looks confused, sad, and pissed all at the same thing as she is being b*slapped. She holds it together though, bless her heart.

Wow, Elliott is wearing a wider version of Ryan’s blue tie. It is so cool. He looks better and better each week, I swear. By the time this is over, he will look like Ben Affleck. The producer guy is a complete jerk while coaching Elliott, but he takes it in stride; that is the kind of classy guy he is. I know they are just trying to help, but I am left feeling sick and teary while watching it. Elliott sings a song I have never heard of by a guy I don’t know. But it is so so so good, incredible; he is wonderful. It is evident that this song means a lot to him; he does not miss a note. Judges say: “hated the arrangement… but I love you,” “you were the bomb tonight,” “you move me,” “you celebrate what this competition is all about,” “you ARE an American Idol,” “that was like a vocal master class, it was superb.” Paula is crying, I am crying, Simon is laughing at Paula crying. It is like a Disney movie tonight. God bless you, Elliott.

Kellie has a weird looking hairdo. She makes stupid with Ryan before they show her making even stupider with the producer guy, who is way easier on her than he should be. Even blind Andrea guesses that she is blonde. Tee hee. Now she is singing the LeAnn Rimes version of “Unchained Melody” – or at least she says it's the Rimes version… heh. It could be, but only if LeAnn is the name of her doggie. ‘Cause it's really really bad. Okay, so she hits one high note good but man… (The best version of this song is by “Heart” - no one can belt “oh myyyyyyyyy love, my daaarrrrrlinnnnng” like Ann Wilson, but I digress.) The bless-ed judges treat Kellie oh so delicately though, or else her fans will slash their tires. They say, “you think you butchered this one too right,” “it was very strange,” “I don’t see you raising the bar each week,” “you are adorable,” “it was like the never-ending song,” “no heart, no warmth.” To his dismay, the music is cued before Simon finishes his critique. Kellie does the pouty lip. Awwww. Barf.

Paris is going to sing a Barbra Streisand song older than her mama. Andrea and David adore her and are sweet to her during their time together. She has her best hair ever tonight and looks nice; for the first time ever, she doesn’t look like she’s in a costume. Oh my goodness, she is absolute perfection on this song. Wow, I am so impressed with this little girl. Every single note seems to say… see Pickler, THIS is singing! Judges say, “I wasn’t over the top about it but I liked it,” “you oversang the song a little bit,” “very good vocal, but a little old-fashioned.” Paris is adorable and sweet but seems resigned that she is not going to be this year’s winner. Sometimes I really loathe the judges with the heat of a thousand hells. I stomp through the house using truck driver language under my breath.

I hope Taylor does well tonight. He was my favorite when the show first started, but now he just annoys me. I really want to like him again! The tag team coaches of the week say that they believe Taylor has the most charisma. Heh, whatever. If the definition of charisma is obnoxiousness, then heck yeah. Taylor attempts the song “Just Once” but ugh, he is not delivering it; he does not seem comfortable at all. His voice is all over the place. Judges say, “that was completely the wrong song for you,” “bad karaoke,” “every cell in your body is born to be on that stage performing,” “you looked uptight tonight.” Paula interrupting Simon just goes to show that they are pimping Taylor to the max which is so lame. NEWSFLASH: Just read an interview with Nigel, one of TIIC (The Idiots In Charge... hey, it's a term of endearment! And just because they have more money than God, does not mean that they are smart or fair, just savvy and scheming. So hmmmp!) Anyway, I digress... Nigel revealed that they made Taylor change his song at the very last minute. He was going to do “Try a Little Tenderness” and for some stupid and irrational reason TIIC would not LET him! Can you imagine how awesome Taylor would have ROCKED that song??!! Argh, this show sends me into orbit!!

As you can expect, Chris is told by the coaches that he sings from the “wrong place” and blah blah blah, then they make him lay on the floor. And wow he looks hot doing that. So now he is singing a Bryan Adams song, the one from a Johnny Depp movie I think. It is kind of a boring song but his voice is so sexy, he is so fine, Deanna is the luckiest gal in the entire world. Chris gives his all, as he always does; he is very intense. Judges are running out of time and quickly say, “love the jacket, love you, amazing,” “love you, we all love you, LOVE YOU,” “that was a very very good choice of song, and it was a great performance, very sexy song.” WOW, Simon called Chris sexy, heh. My Kid is LHAO! I want Chris’s CD right now!

General observations…

WTH did Kat do to tick the judges off??? They ripped her to shreds, threw her against the wall and basically beat the crap out of her. I know it’s wrong to hate, but I have an overflowing bucketful of loathing for them right now.

It is so freakin' OBVIOUS that the judges are trying to SHOVE certain contestants down our throats. They nitpicked and dissed the best ones (Paris, Kat) while “sugar wouldn’t melt in their mouth” as my granny used to say, when they were critiquing the worst ones of the night (Pickler, Taylor.) At least they gave good props to Elliott and Chris, who deserved it. But as much as I like Chris, I think they overpraised him. Don't tell The Kid I said that, she will break my kneecaps.

But on a good note... I can relate to Paula's teary reaction to Elliott. I adore him, too; he is a marvelous singer and a great guy. When she said that she looked back at the tapes of the kids when they first started on the show and how far he has come... she did not just mean vocally. He has gone the “duckling to swan” route big time!

I will be so glad when this season is over; it is like crack to me. I can not get enough of it!

4/26/06

As my granny used to say, “we're in the short rows now.” (It's a farming thing.)

Ryan continues his clean shaven and mature bank executive look as he tells us that there were 47 grazillion votes. Wow. I feel a little bit better about my obsession with this show.

Then an unbelievable thing happens... Simon APOLOGIZES to Katharine for cutting her throat last night! And the other two concur. Then Kat's mom stands up and agrees to cancel the hit man she hired. Thank goodness for that because the show would not be the same without these wacky judges!

We are reminded that Andrea Bocelli is a great singer who is blind and his English speaking is not good and that the Foster guy is a jerkwad.

Recapping... Katharine singing well in a yellow dress split all the way up to THERE... oops I don't think she meant to show all that! Paris with Farrah hair and Michael Jackson's Bad jacket, singing great. Wonderful Elliott making Paula squall like a baby. Kellie causing Simon to be so harsh that the music cues and he can't pick Pickler apart. Taylor inspiring a riot between the medicated Paula and the stick-up-his-butt Brit. Chris closing the show and getting love from everybody.

Ryan is still teasing Paula about the crying jag. Give her a break. The same thing happens to me when I get PMS; I cry if the sky is a pretty shade of blue. It may be a menopausal thing.

Andrea sings beautifully but I am not into this kind of music. So during this, The Kid and I pass the time by arguing for the zillionth time that she does not need a cell phone at the ripe young age of 13. Nosiree. I tell her that when she gets her driver's license she can have one.

The Ford faux-mercial is the very best ever with cute little puppies! Loved it!

Then we start predicting who we think is going to go home tonight. I say Paris and she says Kellie. I say, what-EV, Pickler ain't going home and I am willing to BET her that I am right. I tell My Kid and I quote: “If Kellie is voted off tonight, then I promise you that I will buy you a cell phone tomorrow.” We shake on it, and I smirk confidently to myself.

Now it's time to divide the kids into twos. Katharine starts a group, then Elliott, then Kellie. Paris joins Kellie, Taylor joins Elliott, and Chris joins Kat. Taylor and Elliott sit down right away. YAY!! Then Ryan reveals that Kat and Chris were the TOP 2. Bottom 2 is Kellie and Paris. (And what was the deal with them standing miles apart? Did someone's Sure get a little doubtful? Just askin'.)

Hell just froze over. Kellie is going home. And I have to buy The Kid a cell phone! She is so excited, running through the house like the crazy young'en she is, thanking Kellie for sucking last night and getting the boot, and therefore getting her a cell phone. I feel very strange and so so glad that I do not do Vegas, 'cause I suck at this betting stuff.

Kellie's “had a bad day” video montage reminds us all that she is part Dolly with a mix of Jessica Simpson and a dash of Elly May. In spite of everything, all of us should be proud of her for how far she's come. And her grandpa and little brother are adorable. But... thank God they run out of time before she digs up “Unchained Melody” and kills it again.

It's all good, as Kellie has a long and wonderful career ahead of her at Dollywood. And I mean that sincerely and in a good way.

General observations…

I am a happy-go-lucky person at heart and not into the conspiracy theory stuff at all. BUT! I smell a rat with this whole Kat-bashing thing. Either the judges did it on purpose to lure viewers to give her the sympathy vote... or they really meant what they said but when they found out Kat was in the freakin' Top 2!!! they knew they would look like complete morons!!! so they decided to go ahead and eat their crow warm instead of cold. Either way, it worked... Kat is safe. I just hope that the Ghost Whisperer gal got that yellow dress back.

P.S. After reading Kellie's exit interviews, I like her again. Go figure!!