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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The “Bell Tolls” Tonight but “For Whom”?


May 9, 2007

“Imagine getting cut after making it This Far,” so says heavily stubbled Ryan. Four nervous- looking contestants sit on stage and await their fates. For no apparent reason at all, Simon is in Paula’s seat. So funny when he does her famous “seal clap” and she does the “chest rub.” Not as funny when she practically falls out of her chair proclaiming the hotness of Jessica Alba. Simon looks at her like she’s from outer space. She is sooo off her rocker tonight, which makes the show way more interesting.

Recap of last night’s show… Blake beat boxes when he should be dancing but this is where he came in and it’s so much better. LaKisha may not be staying alive in the competition and her little girl will be saying run to me mommy when she is voted off tonight. Jordin is great when she loves somebody but she is neither a woman nor in love. Melinda brings it inside and out and mends all our broken hearts.

Ryan does his filler fodder street interviews and this is where I go get a snack. If I genuinely cared what other people thought about the show, I would be reading the message boards right now. No wait… I would not do that under any circumstances; that is a weird hell place.

When we get back, all is right with the world again, since Paula is back in her correct seat. Whew that was close! Voiceover Ryan reminds us that the AI Live Tour will be the Biggest Ever this summer. Biggest Hits and Biggest Hair, but the little Crying Girl will not be performing, sorry folks. Funny Ryan tells us to lock up our daughters, cuz Sanjaya is coming to our city.

A pre-recorded Pink performance is next and this is just more time wasting to fill an hour when all we really need is about 15 minutes. I have never been a Pink fan but My Kid likes the song and sings right along with it. “No tattoos!!” I remind My Kid as she jams along with the gal formerly known as Alecia Moore and currently Mrs. Carey Hart. (Isn’t wikipedia great?)

The latest Ford fauxmercial is next and this is the weirdest one yet. To the tune of “You Really Got Me” the four idols run from a group of fans led by a “Bad Seed” lookalike. Creepy. Dial Idol latest winner has cool Bo Derek braids. Answer to latest question is Carrie who went to Africa for the Give Back event.

Group Sing time is now and we have audio technicalities. Please stand by. They finally get the mics right as Melinda starts out the songs-by-Barry Gibb medley. The gals and Blake do an okay job but they could have used a lot more practice. Most performances are stilted and shaky in a “I just learned this song five minutes ago” kinda way. Funny Ryan calls them the “Lewis Sisters” when it’s finally mercifully over.

It is now time for the “Ryan banters with the contestants” portion of the show. He teases LaKisha for talking to herself. (Wow, Paula really does rub off on these folks, huh?) Jordin was challenged this week by having to learn not one but two old songs not from her generation. Blake won’t admit that he stews about Simon’s comments and he doesn’t really care anyway. Back to picking on LaKisha again; Ryan just let it go okay?? Melinda gets a wake up call in spite of the conflicting advice she gets from the panel of morons. “Be true to yourself!” “Step out of your comfort zone!” “Do what you do best!” “Get out of the box!” Make up your idiotic minds people.

The final four got a sneak peak of the latest Fantastic Four movie. Previews of it look pretty good and the stars are in the audience tonight. Jessica is a terrible actress in spite of her “hotness.” She has come a long way since the Flipper days of the nineties. Cute gimmick with the “Invisible Woman” empty chair and even funnier when Ryan falls totally apart in fan geekdom. Classic.

Back to our own fantastic four… cute baby pictures are shown and the contestants talk about their childhoods. Then we see more family pictures and it’s so amazing that both Melinda and LaKisha look exactly like their moms. Blake looks a lot like his dad and says he made a lot of noise as a kid. Jordin looks exactly the same now as she did as a child. Oh wait… she still is a kid so that makes sense.

Back to the stage, and Ryan watches as the final four cuddle up and swear that they will NOT be parted! So funny how Jordin is a foot taller than everybody else. She is automatically safe and gets to sit down. Guess they are still making up for the big tease on charity night.

Ryan tells us that the next Big Thing on the AI horizon is the Best Undiscovered Group in America. Send band videos and DVDs to enter this latest contest. No age or genre limit.

Barry Gibb sings “To Love Somebody” and we can’t understand a single word he is singing. This is not an age thing either cuz his lyrics have never been discernible. Watching him perform makes me feel ancient. I still remember jamming to the Saturday Night Fever album and “Shadow Dancing” to little brother Andy’s record. My Kid laughs at me for my reminiscent nature.

Finally we are back to results… Melinda is safe, YAY. That leaves Blake and Kiki. Paula spouts some advice to them both and Simon correctly predicts tonight’s loser. LaKisha will be leaving this evening and she actually looks relieved.

Highlights of her journey thus far remind us of how she blew Simon away in the first audition. Wowed us with “you’re gonna love me” and we certainly all did. Everybody cries as the “going home” song plays then it’s time for LaKisha to sing “Staying Alive” again. The tears still have not dried on her face but she rocks it out this one last time.

“More Than a Woman” – an awesome singer and sweet mom. Kiki, you will be missed.

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