We start the show with the awesome Sklyar Grey’s verse of the P. Diddy Daddy Puff Whoever song. “Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday. I know my kingdom awaits, and they’ve forgiven my mistakes. I’m coming home…”
Footage from homecoming events from previous years is shown. We see lots of joyful tears and victorious cheers and triumphant shouts of “I am so happy to be here!” I have to admit that I am misty-eyed after watching this montage.
Then the judges arrive to break the spell. Oh Idol Trio, how I used to adore you. We started season ten on such a good note, full of hope and optimism. Now they are in a three-way tie for Most Annoying.
Dapper Ryan advises us that our remaining four contestants WANT it. They want it BAD. They are “in it to win it.” Take a drink.
When the four walk out, James almost trips over the train of Lauren’s mullet gown. Live television is so cool!
Tonight they will be performing two songs each. The first song will be Inspirational; maybe because we didn’t get Idol Gives Back this year. The second will be from the Lieber and Stoller catalog, to which everyone in the world except maybe three 100-year-olds go, who? Actually this theme was used back in the Carrie Underwood season. I wonder if one of this year’s girls will sing “Trouble” like Carrie did back then.
For the Songs that Inspire segments, the contestants will explain what their song means to them. For the Lieber/Stoller part, the guest mentor will be Lady Gaga. That is a really odd combo - like putting gummy worms on a hamburger. This SHOW sometimes.
First up is James who is doing “Don’t Stop Believing” by Glee. Actually it is really by Journey, a band that Randy knows well. He played bass or something. My liking of Durbs has flip-flopped back and forth all season. While I admire that he has overcome many ailments, that doesn’t account for how over-confident he has become. He is NOT a Steven Tyler yet so he shouldn’t act like one. As Tru says, he’s not even a Gavin Degraw, so he needs to dial it down. James and the judges all think that Durbs sang better than he really did. Once again they are confusing showmanship and pyrotechnics with vocal ability, and once again they are already getting on my nerves. They like his Journey tee-shirt, tuxedo jacket and swagger. James pretends that he received negative feedback last week. You didn’t Durbin. WTH Ryan?
The Design a Coke Cup is hawked next. And a reminder to buy Steven’s autobiography. So what and yeah right to those things, respectively.
Next up is everyone’s favorite punching bag, Haley. She is going to sing a track by Michael Jackson called “Earth Song.” I don’t think I’ve heard this one. Did MJ do obscure? The song is okay, it’s all about war and going green and children in pain. Haley is very passionate about the message of the song but it’s so depressing. Two out of three judges (of course) give her a beat down to the likes of: Why did you choose that stupid song? Just because you like it doesn't mean it’s current. You got to be popular. Did you not watch The Hills? You got to be IN. Haley gives them “cut a bitch” face, and finally Steven jumps in to tell them all to stop arguing. He thought Haley was great. Beautiful even. I feel bad for Haley, but she needs to learn to just be quiet. Voters don’t like it when contestants talk back, even when the judges are all kinds of dense.
Remember Taio Cruz, with the songwriting contest? No? Me neither. Evidently it’s still a thing that is happening.
Scotty is up next, and he gets a chat stool with Ryan. He is doing the Alan Jackson song about 9/11. (Which leads me to a rant – it bugs me when people refer to September 11th as Nine One One. It’s Nine Eleven. The other is the emergency phone line. Get it right!) Anyway. This song is going to make me cry buckets. Tru says that the timing of this seems well planned given the recent deadness of Osama. (To keep from falling into total despair, Tru and I do our favorite Achmed lines. “Silence! I keel you!”) With his guitar, Scotty croons about talking to God and singing simple songs, and he does justice to the country hit. If you are patriotic, you will vote for Scotty. Kind of like when Kristy Lee did the USA song that time. The judges adore McCreery. Jen even expresses her undying love, in a way that is not as creepy as it sounds.
Casey and Paul are in the audience and help Ryan announce the upcoming Idol tour. We miss Casey’s humor and Paul’s smile. (Dear casting agents for The Hangover Part 3: call them both!)
Of course Lauren is doing the Martina song “Anyway.” This song means a lot to her because it’s about tornados and rebuilding your life. We can’t help but think that she is adorable in the way that sheltered youngsters are sometimes. Her rendition is in between the one that Ms. McBride herself did on the Idol stage a few years ago, and the one that Kristy Lee Cook did back in her day. (It is odd that there are two KLC references in one night. But there you are.) Lauren looks pretty in her short front/long back saloon girl gown. Will the heathen voters take offense with all the Jesus and God songs this episode? Guess what? We don’t care! Once again Randy yells at Lauren that she is BACK. Where did she go? Other than to the salon to get those lowlights, she hasn’t really left. We agree with ST that the shoes are fabulous.
Ryan brings the final four back to the stage to get another run down on who did the best. This was a set up for Haley to get the snot beat out of her again. She gives them stank eye. She’s the American Idol version of “Honey Badger Don’t Care.”
Clear the room of all the kiddies everybody… because here comes Lady Gaga. She forgot her pants but remembered to put her eye makeup all over her face. I can’t even…. so I won’t. Okay I will - the chick is gross ON PURPOSE! Lest we forget though, she can’t help herself. Because she was “born this way, baby.” (“Express yourself, hey hey hey hey.”)
The set up is as follows – each contestant will practice in a stark white room with Jimmy and Gaga. Why there, we don’t know. Perhaps they didn’t want to have to fumigate the studio later.
Haley has already had a Gaga experience with the “You and I” song, and it was not a good one according to the judges. I happen to like Haley’s iTunes version of that song, RANDY. When Gaga calls Haley a “little pony,” is she making fun of her hair? She tells her to go psycho on the “I Who Have Nothing” song. Little Jordin Sparks owned this classic back in her good day, so here’s hoping that Haley puts a different spin on it. And holy heavens, she does. She is every level of awesome that exists. When she sings, she conjures images of boiled bunnies and roller coasters. The judges give her a standing ovation because they are afraid for their lives now. I’m standing up and I am at home where she can’t see me! Can’t wait to download this. Ryan enforces a round of hugs for everyone, but Haley is as over this Trio as we are.
Gaga is so gross with Scotty in the white room that he has to do Hail Marys. Or at least kiss his cross necklace. That boy is not going to give in to this Hollywood crap, but he won’t complain about it either. He’s a good kid. On stage he's doing his very best “drunk best man at the wedding” rendition of “Young Blood.” Yikes it’s corny. The thing with Scotty is that he is consistently fine vocal wise. It’s the crazy eyes, hand-waving, sideways-mic-holding that get in the way of fully enjoying his performance. As Tru says, he is basically doing all of the things that Casey and Haley get yelled at for, but he gets praised. This is one of the reasons that there’s lot of McCreery hatin’ going on right now. Plus he is very outspoken about his faith, which is the main reason we adore the guy. Judges love Scotty’s “ya ya go la la” via Pat Boone.
Lauren gets a sit-down with Ryan. She will be the one to do the Carrie version of the tune that Elvis made famous called “Trouble.” She has issues with calling herself "evil" though; Gaga makes fun of her. Tru and I are reminded of a Willow quote about Buffy: “Sweet girl. Not that bright.” (This Gagme person would have made a great villain on that very awesome show.) Anyway. On stage Lauren really isn’t believable when she says she’s "evil." Neither was Carrie when she did it, and nor was lovable Elliot Yamin when he sang this song during his season. I can’t help but think that Lauren and Haley should have switched songs tonight, heh. We like both of the girls that are left in the running; the judges however only like Lauren. I think this is because of Nigel and his prediction way back when, of Lauren being The One.
One of the songwriters is in the audience, and he says that he is enjoying the performances tonight. Just once I want one of these celebrities to stand up and say - you know what dawg? That wasn’t even close to beautiful. They are not in it to win it.
The last performance tonight is James, and he will be doing “Love Potion Number 9.” This is not the bad early 90s movie starring a young starlet named Sandra Bullock. It’s one of those campy songs that make no sense. Tru says why not just do “Witch Doctor” (oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang) or one eyed one horned flying “Purple People Eater.” Very simply, it’s because they were not written by the Lieber/Stoller duo, so there. To his credit, James sings the heck out of the song and gives it his very all. And his all equals lots of shenanigans. He ends his performance in full rocker mode. It’s okay when he is cocky on stage, just not off stage. The judges are all over the Durbs, much like Gaga was while in the white room with him. The poor guy looked like he was going to hurl. James needs a Purell bath, stat.
Recap time of the final four and then Ryan reminds us to vote vote vote. This is the week that Chris Daughtry went home. Thanks for that memory, Seacrest.
Quotes:
Quotes:
Steven: You deliver notes like a blue plate special.
Steven: You just Reinharted your way into next week.
Ryan: I hear the girls screaming all day long.
Scotty: I’d kiss the grass, first thing I’d do.
Haley: I never thought I’d get emo on this show but…
Ryan: Shhhh Randy, calm down.
Randy: I’m scared.
Scotty: I better have a good-looking microphone.
Ryan: Thank you very much for that activity.
Tomorrow night we will learn which of these two evils is the lesser one – mouthing off at the judges or being a rocker biggity britches. Scotty and Lauren sang about America and God, so they will both be safe this week, I predict. We will see lots of guest stars on tomorrow’s results show, including season six winner Jordin Sparks. Tell the world she’s coming home. We will leave the light on.
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