Ryan asks, “Who will become a hometown hero? And who will just be going home?”
72 million votes were cast last night. We saw – James was a singer in a smoky room who met a gypsy, Haley had her nose pressed to the window pane of the weeping shore, Scotty was not very political about yellow ribbons, and Lauren poured out an evil song she believed in.
There are approximately one hundred thousand guest stars tonight, plus results. So let’s get busy. First up, our own contestants perform duets.
James and Scotty sing some country song about being in a band. One of those cutely written ditties encouraging kids that they “don’t need no thought control.” Quit yer worrying about grades and school sports, just slash some Levis and learn “Free Bird.” The combo of long hair and a guitar will send the girls running to your van. Or mom’s new caddy, whichever.
Next is a shout-out about the Season 10 Idol tour that I will not be able to go to because I don’t like crowds. And poor James says that he got poked in the eye by his fiancée while singing earlier. I am sure the liberal Democrats will find some way to blame Scotty for this incident.
Lauren and Haley sing a duet, another country one. Something about packing up a shotgun to shoot some cheatin’ beatin’ SOB. Yeah, one of those tunes that makes all men look bad. It’s funny how Haley gets the “cigarettes and beer” lines instead of Lauren. Hot legs Haley is under 21 too, though. So far great messages to send to the under 13 crowd, American Idol.
The next segment is really just a Windows 7 commercial, which reminds me that I need to upgrade. They chat with their families via MSN or Skype or whatever. Seems like Idol could afford the umi telepresence for families but nooooo. Lauren chats with her Bieber-haired brother and her little doggies. Scotty talks to his cute sister. James connects with his fiancée and adorable little boy. Haley must not be as interesting because she only gets about five seconds of footage.
The Silver Stools of Doom have been spray-painted gold to become the Golden Seats of Success. First to get a spot in the safety zone is Lauren. I am glad they got that out of the way, lest she have a stroke while waiting.
Last night we watched Gaga rub her skank all over the final four contestants. We didn’t get to see them bathe in Lysol for hours afterward. However, we get to watch our singers while they watch her do a “live” performance in concert. She performs the song Haley did last week. You know the one that Randy said was so irrelevant. Maybe if Haley had stood up on a piano stool in a bikini and hooker boots she would have received better reviews. I can’t even blame this show, man. It’s this WORLD we live in.
When Gagme and her mustard-colored hair are finally finished, we move on the next musical guest star. Enrique Iglesias has a famous father, he is cute, and his girlfriend is that pretty blonde tennis player (Anna Somebody). Tonight he combines two recent songs into one and it’s hard to tell which one is less catchy. My Kid Tru says that he also has a song called “Tonight I’m F*ing You,” to which I say no way. She assures me that this is true; however there is a clean edit for the radio. Okay. I don’t get it. I am too old I guess.
Crazy Seacrest jumps after a big balloon from the pretend live Enrique performance. The Ford music video depicts the top four singers with fluorescent gel pens that glow in the dark. They sing “Fireflies” while drawing things in the air. It’s very low tech compared to some of the other vids they’ve done but it’s cute and fun. On the couch, Scotty and James each hold a balloon like it’s a big comfy pillow. This annoys Ryan because he has a show to emcee.
Adorable season six winner Jordin Sparks is back on the Idol stage. She was only 17 when she won, but she is a woman now of the ripe age of 21. She does a song called “I Am Woman” and it’s not the "hear me roar" anthem. This is more of a "hey I am wearing heels and a mini skirt, let’s kick some butt." Yeah! She Beyonces her way through the dance number and has lots of backup dancers to lean on. Jordin is svelte and sexy and out to prove it. Welcome to the slutting up of Idol's sweetheart, America. Sigh.
Now it’s time for the much hyped brand new music video from our very own judge Steven Tyler. I guess his fellow Aerosmith band members are still pissed at him and he has a solo career now. The video is a hodge-podge of circus acts, water sports, and that Pussycat Dolls gal. And a monkey! The song “It Feels So Good” is okay but I forgot it five seconds later.
More results action. Ryan surprises everyone in the entire universe when he reveals that there will be two females in the final three. Haley is safe! That leaves James and Scotty as the final two standing.
James stands there with a defeated look on his face because he knows that he is the one going home. This would have been a whole lot more dramatic if they had paired James with Haley. When James gets the news, he does the classic blowfish face that Chris Daughtry made infamous when he was shockingly booted in fourth place back in season five.
We see his montage and are reminded of Heidi and Hunter and Tourette's and autism. Scarf tails and rock horns and flaming pianos. Marching bands and metal guitarists. To his credit, James really did bring a lot to the Idol stage.
Poor Durbs is very disappointed but that does not stop him from bragging about how he has been the best thing on the show since sliced white bread. It’s exactly that kind of tooting his own horn that turned voters off James. He should have let his talent speak for itself because he has a lot of it.
Poor Durbs is very disappointed but that does not stop him from bragging about how he has been the best thing on the show since sliced white bread. It’s exactly that kind of tooting his own horn that turned voters off James. He should have let his talent speak for itself because he has a lot of it.
James reminds us to please “give metal a chance,” and then his sing out is "Maybe I’m Amazed." Because nothing says head-banging like Wings. He sounds fantastic and really is a great showman. Jen’s in tears and in extreme close-up. Tru and I almost lose it ourselves when James gets a hug from Casey in the audience, then a kiss from Heidi.
Perhaps James will follow in Daughtry’s footsteps and form a rock band. He could get the name Durbin tattooed on his back. Hey, whatever works.
Quotes:
Lauren: Did you take my dogs and get them shaved?!
Scotty: I think that one month of piano lessons maybe paid off.
Ryan: Get rid of these things, we gotta get serious.
Next week the final three will get footage from their hometown visits. They will sing three songs each, chosen from various sources. I had already heard on the radio this morning that Scotty would be home this weekend, so that kinda spoiled results night for me. Probably for the Chattanooga and Chicago fans also. Oh well. Now it’s time to find out who gets killed off on Bones.
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