March 27, 2007
“And then there were ten,” so says Little Man Tate, er ... I mean Seacrest. Lots of screaming fans in the audience and Poor Ryan seems to think they are there for him. We soon find out that they are cheering because Gwen Stefani is the guest coach/mentor tonight. My Kid is like, whoa, how did she make the show? She’s not a hundred. (Kids are mean sometimes.)
The contestants will be doing No Doubt songs as well as songs from artists that inspired Gwen. (A dual selection for obvious reasons - Gwen’s band does not have a very big catalog.) I will feel as useless as a Dunkleman tonight, since I am clueless when it comes to “today’s music.” Randy, Paula, and Simon are all in black, and they look like a singing group themselves.
Montage of Gwen’s career, going back to her “early” days of just 10 years ago. Voiceover Ryan calls her a singer, songwriter, fashion icon, actress, and above all, a slut. Oops, I mean Performer. I am not a big fan, but she is very pretty in spite of the weirdness of her hairdos. But I am just old that way I suppose. Gotta admit though, I like that “Hella Good” song. That one will get stuck in her head for a long long while!
Gwen states that you don’t really need to have a fantastic singing voice in order to be a pop star. (More news from the file marked “duh.”) She is actually wearing real clothes when she meets the kids and makes cute banter with them. Gina looks ready to pass out from fan-dom at any moment.
LaKisha is up first and Gwen is very impressed with her and says that SHE should be asking HER for advice. True dat. Tonight, LaKisha is doing a song that Brenna massacred last year, “Last Dance” by Donna Summer. Girlfriend is looking good tonight in a Chinese patterned satin dress and Mighty Aphrodite boots. Her voice is excellent but ya get the feeling that if you don’t dance with her, you might be sorry. Randy says, “like a true fly diva,” and Paula says she did an “excellent job.” Simon says that she is “putting her mark back in the competition.” Great moment when Kiki gives a shout out to her bank buddies in the audience. And it looks like the boots will get their own 866 number at the end of the show.
Chris Sligh is next and he gets a viewer question about how he spends his down time. He kids around at first about knitting or playing the bongos in his boxers, and then finally admits that he just wants to sleep.
Gwen says that his tempo is off and Sligh needs to concentrate on the beat of the song. Tonight he is doing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” by Sting when he was with The Police. Sligh does not seem comfortable doing this song and out of all the songs in the AI catalog, mewonders why did he pick this one? Randy agrees with Gwen that the tempo was off but Chris has no explanation. Paula says he needs to “stay in the pocket” otherwise it is an “eyesore for the audience.” Huh?? Simon just calls it a “mess” but the STHU music is cued before he can finish. Extreme close up of Sligh’s face reveals that he has a cute soul patch growing. During his Ryan banter, he finally admits that being off beat was “my bad.”
Gina is a wreck during her time with Gwen, as she is starstruck. Tonight she is doing one of my favorite Pretender’s songs, “I’ll Stand By You.” She looks like a true rocker tonight, in too-tight-to-breathe tank, fishnets, micro mini skirt and goth boots. (My Kid loves this outfit, of course.) Gina is perfect on this song; she hardly misses a note. This is obviously her forte, as she totally rocks it out! Randy says it is her “best performance ever!” Paula says she is “coming into her own as an artist.” Simon tries to psych everyone out by saying that it was “not one of her best performances” - it was her “BEST performance.” And I totally agree. Gina is overjoyed with the praise; she was truly in her element tonight.
Ryan introduces Sanjaya from way over in the audience; the farther away the better, natch! Through gritted teeth, Gwen says that she is really worried about poor little San. Tonight he is going to do the No Doubt song called “Bathwater.” Yeah, as in throwing-the-baby-out-with. Oh my holy living mother of God, what is UP with his hair tonight??? It looks like a peacock or something. My Kid says that it’s a mohawk of ponytails and he is cute and adorable and the judges better be nice. Randy and Paula jabber on and on about how he can do better than this, “come on!!” Simon tells him that he is “in his own universe.” Truer words have never been spoken on this show. Someone has a sign in the audience that says SAVE SANJAYA, VOTE 4 MY PEOPLE. My Kid and I do not know what this means but my guess is that it is a vote for the worst thing. I do not mention this to My Kid, lest I get frogged.
Next up is Haley, and Gwen does NOT like the way that Haley is changing the melody of “True Colors.” (Didn’t Brandon do this song already this season? There should be a statute of limitations.) My Kid still wants to compare Haley to my girl Kat McPhee, but they are NOTHING alike. On her very worst night, Kat was better than Haley ever dreamed of being. Got to admit, Haley is gorgeous tonight and wow, she is actually somewhat clothed. Randy says, “you didn’t really grab me with that.” Paula says that she put an “adult contemporary” spin on that song (read: old-fashioned.) Simon calls it “sweet but forgettable.” By this time, I am bored. Democratic Rebuttal bored. Horse Whisperer meets The English Patient bored. Oh good, it’s finally over and they are moving on.
A cool-capped Phil sits on the space stool with Ryan. He very articulately answers the fan question in regards to being an insta-celeb. He basically says that they are too busy to really care about being famous and what all.
Gwen is pleasantly surprised with Phil (her words.) She actually tells him that to his face, which is weird. Tonight he is doing the Stalker song by Sting via The Police, “Every Breath You Take.” Phil does a terrific job with this song and he looks good with the bald head covered. He is not sexy-bald in a hot Daughtry-way. He is more of a looking-like-a-chemo-patient kinda bald. (And I mean no offense by that at all. My firstborn daughter was bald for three years until cancer took her to heaven.) Randy says, “I actually kinda liked that, dawg.” Paula says the he really “lived” when he hit the chorus. Okaay. Yet another person (Simon) admits surprise at actually liking Phil, who really should be ticked off by now. He is not however, and just smiles wonderfully during Ryan banter.
Melinda blows Gwen away, which is no shock to anyone. Watch and learn, Gwen; watch and learn. She is singing “Heaven Knows” by Donna Summer. There seems to be a pattern to the song selections tonight. Mel is gorgeous this evening and her “Gayles” and the stylists did a fine job with her outfit and hair. She looks better than I have ever seen her. Love the flip to the hair, and the outfit finally takes her out of school-librarian mode. Not that there was anything wrong with that. Melinda’s voice is great as usual; she can not do any wrong with her singing. Randy says that she is a “pro” and the “bomb.” Paula commends her “charisma” and “joy.” Simon loved the singing but “hated the outfit.” Well, we hate your tight tee shirts, so hmmmph. Melinda is sooo going to win this competition.
Blake is next and even though she obviously thinks he is cute, Gwen finds the beat-box gimmick distracting. Tonight, his hair is actually kinda lying down which is weird. And he is dressed like a normal human, also of the strange. Not Blake-like at all. He is doing a Cure song, not sure what the name of it is, I think maybe “Love Song.” His voice is nice but I am bored. On the Titanic heading to Pearl Harbor bored. Oh man, I hope this does not mess him up with the voters, a’la Chris R. last week. But I could be over-thinking. Randy says, “wasn’t jumping up and down but I liked it.” Paula on the other hand DID love it, thank you very much. She wants to see him in the finale. Simon announces that he is the strongest male in the competition but agrees with Aunt Pearl (moi) about the dimensions of boringness. Funny Ryan banter ensues when Blake sings two notes of “Don’t Speak” and Ryan does the royalty-freak-out. Priceless.
Now we have Jordin who is doing the No Doubt song, “Hey Baby” and Gwen seems kinda ticked that Jordin sings her song better than she does. Heh. Tonight, she is adorable in a very young outfit and big earrings. This is totally what I want my Meez avatar to wear. However, My Kid says that this is the type of outfit that the preps wear and rolls her eyes. Whatever. She thinks she knows everything about being a teenager cuz she is one. This song does not really showcase Jordin’s vocal talents, as it is mostly back-up singing and a lot of “boys say, girls say” repeat-o-nonsense. Randy says, “that was brilliant.” Paula adds “adorable” and she likes seeing her in this kind of mode. Simon calls her the “most improved contestant” this year. Aunt Pearl says that this was NOT her favorite performance by a country mile. But Jordin smiles and all is forgiven.
The last performer tonight is Chris R. who will be doing “Don’t Speak” for real. Hopefully Fox will only have to pay for it once and not for when Blake did the two notes. Gwen is hoping that Chris will not do the “vocal Olympics” with the song. So tonight, Chris looks cute and stylish and more Timberlake lite than ever. He does okay with this song but it sounds just meh. This song loses meaning without Ms. Stefani kickin’ up her heels. And again with the dull and this time it’s Whiny-Meredith-Voiceover boring. Since he is the last performer of the evening, traditionally the judges must say nice things. Randy likes his “flavor/twist” on it and to “just believe baby.” Paula is not really coherent at this point. Breaking the last-performer-gets-pimped mode, Simon says he did not like the vocal. Chris smiles cutely at the camera and girls everywhere are already reaching for their phones. To vote for Sanjaya, but oh well…
Recap time … best tonight is GINA. It was definitely her night and I am proud of her. One of my best friends is rooting for Gina, so I am supporting Ms. Glocksen tonight on her behalf. Plus My Kid thinks she is so cool.
LaKisha and Melinda are tied for second. Phil and Jordin were good. Everyone else was just kinda meh except for Sanjaya who sucked with the suckingness of suckdom. He is for sure this season’s Teen Martin/Federov/Chicken Little all rolled into one bundle of hype.
Have resigned myself to the fact that Malakar is not going anywhere, so my prediction for going home tomorrow night is Chris. Not sure which Chris but oh well ...
Now it’s on to House, yay. The cute guy who played Riley on Buffy is guest starring as a soldier which is so cool. Any opportunity to see Marc Blucas shirtless is good, yowsa. Anything to get the vision of mohawk-boy outta my mind, right?
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