Voiceover Ryan reminds us of the great singers going to Hollywood thus far. The tiny Carrot Top boy, the country girl with Ke$ha hair, the Seth Rogen lookalike. Lots and lots of teenagers including Scotty from Garner, NC.
After wee Ryan proclaims “this is American Idol” from the top of a tall building in Los Angeles, we notice the changes to the opening credits. I like that they showcase other successful contestants, not just the winners. Hello Chris Daughtry, good to see ya.
We learn that some of the auditions took place over MySpace, to which My Kid (Tru) and I both say “people still use MySpace?” Anyway ... Tru and I reiterate for the 400th time how much we love this Judgery. I even like J.Lo’s Daisy Duke style, ST's taboo cigar, and Randy’s golden shoes.
First up is a squeaky-voiced girl who sings about the lamb of God but in a horrifying way. I was not sure that Baptists were allowed to have facial piercings? After letting it go on way too long, she finally exits then insults Jennifer’s singing career. So maybe J.Lo is no Mariah or Beyonce vocal-wise, but comparatively speaking to what the pop tartlets are coming out with today, she’s not that bad.
The next guy is a J.Lo fan named Tim and with Randy’s help, he makes everyone feel old about his “2500” year-old crush. He sings the Maroon 5 song that has Kelly Preston in the music video and actually sounds better than the real guy who sings it. They tell him that his voice isn’t that great but probably because of the fandom and J.Lo’s profanity, Tim makes it to Hollywood. Also, Tim - Wikipedia will tell you that Jen is almost exactly double your age. (It doesn’t matter because she looks exactly the same now as she did in her first music video,12 years ago.)
As I notice that I want some hair extensions like Steven’s, we go to another round of a crazillion commercials. The Simpsons Coke ad is quiet clever. Is that show still on? Tru says yes d’oh and Bart is still 10 after all these decades.
Back in LA, the role of Steven Tyler is now being played by Jennifer Lopez because she is the one who keeps getting bleeped. We try to figure out what she’s saying to this boy in the hat, and we think it’s “balls.” So I guess you can’t say “balls” on FOX? Do we even know if this guy Justin made it to the next round? Balls balls balls!
Next up are BFFs who have come to the audition together. They are cute in an effeminate way and we don’t know if they are just friends or “wink wink” friends. The first guy has pre-makeover David Cook hair and snakebites on his chin, and he can’t carry a tune in a bucket. The next guy flashes his big smile but he can’t sing either, and we hope that he gets back into “the college” before his naïve parents realize he has dropped out. Because we haven’t been tortured enough, the buddies massacre a song about achieving miracles and the miracle is that my TV has not exploded yet. Because I threw something at it.
Someone’s grandpa break dances in the crowd and we see Angelinos everywhere. The judges arrive for day two and for some reason J.Lo is dressed like Aunt Jemima.
A striking girl from the MySpace audition sings prettily on the video and in front of the judges. Karen credits Jen for the inspiration, and we are sensing a pattern that someone in charge of editing has made this episode more J-focused and less S-focused. Just a thought. Karen is on her way to H'wood to be the first Latina American Idol.
Not so much, this next girl. With her own mic in hand, she talks about meeting other “artisteses,” and this audition is more like a reel from Jersey Shore than AI. She looks a bit like Chong’s daughter except that something went wrong in the mouth area. The tribute to Frank Sinatra goes on way too long and the girl just will not shush now. Randy’s been on the show long enough to know that sometimes you just have to back off slowly from the crazy ones. Finally, security is called and the chick is hauled off. Owww.
Because of Jen’s kerchief I want pancakes now... Okay so it’s Thursday, which is Bones night, yay! Actually, these days, I am less interested in Booth and Brennan getting together. Am rooting for Castle and Beckett though big time, but I digress.
Well, the judge panel must be very bored because some girl does a belly dance while ST provides beat boxing/drum sound effects. He is very good at that. Finally they ask her to sing (what a concept!) Heidi is okay for one of the Pussycat Dolls but her voice is thin, not like “Superwoman.” We’ve had chicks like her before make it to H’wood and go on to make Top 24. It will be no surprise if she’s the next Becky from the season of Ace Young (the male version of this girl.)
We don’t like the next guy right off the bat and would like to “formally introduce” him to the difference between “millions” and “a bunch.” The poor disillusioned guy may run a business from his mom’s basement, but he can’t rap and he can’t sing. Naturally it’s all RANDY’s fault because Jen was in Selena, and he doesn’t know who Steven is. While he rants on and on, I look up Selena on imdb and J.Lo looks like Brenda Barrett on GH. Meanwhile this nonsensical segment goes on ad nauseum, and even likable Ryan is uncomfortable.
So far LA stands for Loserdom Asshattery. Do the powers that be think that since they don’t have to travel very far, that means they don’t have to try as hard to make a good show? Some guy in a suit bellows badly and it scares my puppy so much that she runs to the other room. A shrieking girl who looks like the United States of Tara. Endless parade of off-key with bad dancing and I can’t get my puppy to come sit with me again, even after offering her a treat.
Here to “smack some life” back into the LA auditions are the Gutierrez brothers, and they are the kind of wacky that you see on vaudeville. Mark and Aaron are cute and dimply and their happiness is contagious. For the judges, they sing “Lean on Me” and they’re great. The harmony is perfect and you can tell that they’ve been singing together since the cradle. The brothers are going to Hollywood and hopefully they won’t turn into the “devil beard” Brittenums of 2011. If AI doesn’t work out for them, SNL could use some new funny talent.
It goes downhill after the cute brothers. We see the clone of James Brown and he is not funny, talented or entertaining at all. He’s way over the age limit obviously, so he shouldn’t even be in the judge room wasting our time, even if he was good. I can’t even say “only in LA,” because I’ve seen nuts like this at intersections juggling cardboard signs. I’d rather see the armadillo lady from Austin again. Can’t believe they wasted so much time on this racket and ended the show with this clown.
Quotes from LA:
Steven: You’re going to… Siberia!
Randy: Thank you for chasing me.
Until next week then, when they will be auditioning from San Francisco. In the meantime, we are googling J.Lo’s songs to prove that her singing is no worse than the Katys and Britneys and Nickis of today. And hopefully by next week, the weave will be back from the cleaners so she can give her Aunt Jemima scarf to Steven for his collection.
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