In soft sepia tones, we are flashed back to last week when 61 contestants were told that they have made it to the next round. Now like Faith Hill says, “Hey Baby Let’s Go to Vegas!” They are going to perform Beatles songs because, you know. It’s 1963.
This is your mission should you choose to accept it… in just 24 hours you will go to Vegas, learn a Beatles song and perform it on the Cirque du Soleil stage. In a group no less.
When Ryan says “Beatles” about half of this under-30 crowd says who? My Kid Tru and I have no hateration towards the boys from Liverpool, but we aren’t really super fans either. That means that this evening’s episode won’t instigate ire nor joy… just meh.
Ryan explains that this is how it will work… Vegas/Beatles, then one third will be cut. The remaining 40 will “sing for your life” (SFYL) one last time. Then the long walk down a Star Trek-like runway to face The Chair 2.0.
First though, it’s a bus trip to Sin City but it’s NOT a vacation lest we forget. They are fighting for their lives here! Or at least life as a Top 24 contestant of season 10.
The clock is ticking as the contestants break into their groups and practice. No dramatic choosing of groups is shown this time like in Hell-ywood week.
Instead we meet a different kind of purgatory. We receive confirmation that Charlie Sheen is not the devil after all – Peggi Blu is. She is the “vocal coach from hell” and she’s been sent to torture little children, mainly teenagers Thia and Melinda. After coaching them to axe murder each other on stage, everyone is afraid now. Very very afraid.
There are other vocal coaches there also, including a cute man in a hat, but they provide no drama hence not much air time. We finally see Jimmy Iovine and a gang of thugs, er music producers. They provide Beatles Training 101 and are very critical about it. These kids have already admitted that they don’t know the Beatles from a hole in the ground. It’s not their fault that the Idol producers are strange bedfellows with the Beatles catalog of music and are contractually bound to cart it out every year.
To mellow the kids out and/or further confuse them, they take a break to go see the Beatles LOVE Cirque du Soleil show. Because nothing helps you sing better than watching contortionists in action.
The next morning, the stage is taken over by the Idol folks so that the groups can perform their versions of Fab Four songs. Steven is excited because he is actually old enough to remember the British invasion and has the T-shirt to prove it. Jennifer is dressed as everyone’s favorite stern principal, and Randy’s styling in a leather jacket.
First up are James Doo Rag and Stefano “Tribianni” who sing “Get Back” with varying degrees of shrieking. Tru and the judges like them way more than I do. Add this to the list of Tylerims: “you went to the way out-ofs-phere.” That comment was the best part of this segment.
Next, Pretty Pia and MySpace Karen are on the red couch with Ryan, and they look like they’re in a Coke lava lamp. Sitting next to each other, the girls look like the before and after versions from a Wen hair care infomercial. They went to a Fame-like high school together, and it shows on their practically perfect rendition of “Can’t Buy Me Love.” They sound good, but it’s like Stepford meets Miss USA Pageant. ST talks about jumping fences as we admire Karen's Pretty Woman boots.
Back during the practice/coaching session, Jimmy I. tells a trio of oversinging oversingers not to oversing. They don’t listen. Colorful Naima, Joyful Jacob, and Husky Haley would have sounded better on “The Long and Winding Road” if they’d all dialed it down a notch. They are full fledged flat out Gospel Music Channel. Jen pronounces them “very very nice,” and then Randy gives the exact opposite advice than the Jimmy guy. Just another night on Idol.
Next we see Opera Girl Rachel do an Addams Family version of “Eleanor Rigby.” I guess her unknown unnamed group members represent “all the lonely people.”
The dark-haired Other Lauren That They Won’t Give Airtime To sings “Let it Be” in a beautiful pitch perfect voice. She totally outshines her singing partner, Jovany No Shirt.
Tim Who Likes J.Lo and Julie from Colombia are on keyboards with red lighting and smoke, and they are so good! “You’re asking me if my love will grow” and I say yes. They really rev up the harmonies on “Something” when they leave their seats. Cool, classy, and awesome and the judges agree.
Tru goes to make popcorn while we wait out the thousand commercials. I can’t wait for Terra Nova, coming in May.
The next trio are Jerome in gold sneakers from the Randy Jackson collection, Lakeisha that we have not heard before, and the gal with all the Ts in her name. They do a fantastic job of “I Saw Her Standing There,” especially Lakeisha. Since I’m old-fashioned, it’s weird to hear that the girls don’t change the “she” to a “he.” As the judges debate, I think that Ta-Tynisa should never wear that shade of light pink lipstick again.
Another boy/girl duo is up next and they are great – Paul with the beard and Kendra who sang "Georgia" in Hollywood. We haven’t seen very much of them so far this season which makes me wonder - who edits this darn show? They sing “Blackbird” and it’s so perfect that you can tell they are already professionals. I will add them to the list of things to google later. Like J.Lo, we also admire the soft and beautiful harmonies.
Quick montage time: Gay Glasses Clint and a Random Gal sing “Help.” Gorgeous Ashthon sings “Ticket to Ride” with an Unidentified Blonde. John Wayne the cowboy and two black guys we don’t know get by with a little “Help from My Friends.” Steven and his hilarious one-hand clapping.
I sure do wish they had given more time to singing than this next diversion into the white trash edition of A Wedding Story. Wacky Ashley is getting married in the same chapel where Britney got married. Since that turned out so well, we are all super excited about it! Not. We learn two new things: Ashley looks like Tea Leoni’s wild and crazy grandma, and Dave the camera guy is our new AI hero. I try not to barf out loud because Tru really likes this chick.
It’s Day Two in Vegas. Voiceover Ryan reminds us that the vocal coach from hell wishes death upon all of us. Poor “little darlings” Melinda and Thia attempt “Here Comes the Sun.” They might have hit one note correctly and that one note is mad now. Also angry, Peggi Blu is in the audience rolling her eyes and casting spells. At least the girls are mature about the criticism, which is noble of them.
In the Lava Coke room, Ashley brags to Ryan about her tacky wedding. The blonde gal who had no shoes in Hollywood is the new bride’s duet partner. What was Sophia thinking? The two of them just don’t mesh on “We Can Work it Out.” Uh, no. We can’t see it their way. At least Sophia has shoes tonight and they are great ones.
The trio that was so much maligned by Jimmy and crew are up next – teenagers Lauren, Denise, and Scotty. The girls are dressed in their very best Baby Hookers -R-Us attire, but you have to give them props. No I mean actual props, as in a phone booth that they all exit while singing “Hello Good-bye.” It’s comic relief American Idol style and actually rather entertaining. The judges are somewhat amused but not impressed with the singing. ST compares them to the Marx Brothers, to which all of these teens say who?
They certainly did better than Funny Carson and Basement Caleb who don’t “Please Please Me.” What was the bushy-haired guitarist thinking when he paired off with Norman 2.0? That he wants off the show I suppose. Of course, Tru disagrees and loves them both.
Our favorite guy Casey teams with Frodo Chris and they have matching socks, guitars and hats. Their version of “Hard Day’s Night” is not appealing to me, and my puppy is seeking a blanket to climb under. Maybe she could use the one on the bed that the guys are using as a prop. Supposedly straight men should not ever jump on beds together. I am just saying.
The last group shown has Robbie “Barone,” Jordan the Boy Beyotch and a one gloved guy named Aaron. Of these three, Aaron is the best and who knows where have they been keeping this guy. “Got to Get You Into My Life,” unknown guy. We can’t help but wonder why they put the Jewish boy onstage in front of a giant lighted cross?? This show man. They sure like to mix things up.
Through fog and a rising stage, Ryan warns us that we have Results Right Now. Randy says they are making brutal cuts. It won’t be these – Thia, Scotty, Jordan, Ashthon, Robbie, Lauren, and James. Not surprisingly, they are on their way to the Top 40.
Not making it are the Unknowns That We Never Met and Never Got Air Time and also Molly the intern, Funny Carson, Basement Caleb, Denise who looks like one of the Cosby kids, Melinda from Kosovo, and newly married Ashley. On that last one, America breathes a sigh of relief and says FINALLY. Except for Tru, who still likes her.
Lots of tears from boys and girls and we wish we knew some of their names. No time for that because now we have a Top 40. They will go back to Hollywood for a last chance at survival round called sing for your life (SFYL.)
So the Vegas show was quick and now we are on a totally different episode. We’ll see the contestants walk one by one into a place that looks like where they kept the aliens on The X-Files. This show has gained major street cred in the geek community, I tell you no lie.
The final judgment starts right now and it will take a while because the runway is about 8 miles long in this hangar that they are in. For some reason Jennifer is dressed like Jessica Rabbit.
First up is Naima Adedapo and we are reminded that she is a mom, a janitor and has a unique and funky sense of 80s-meets-Jamaica style. Her SFYL performance was the old song about records that has been done to death. Tru and I like Naima and are glad that she makes it through to the next round. She goes into Fly Girl territory though, reminding everyone that Jenny has been around the block a few times.
Next to make the long walk is tiny blonde Hollie, and who knew that she had a British accent? She has proven herself to be a strong performer and great singer. We see a bit of her SFYL performance of “No One,” which she nailed. We are surprised when she is told that she didn’t make it. She wants to get up and go now with dignity, but they make her stay and listen to a pep talk. Jen really wants her to come back next year. Tru says heh, maybe we’ll see her on Simon’s X Factor show because of the UK solidarity. That would be so cool.
We are not as affected by the next couple of eliminations. We only heard a snippet of Lakeisha and who is the guy named Alex? We never knew the guy who looked like David Archuleta's more stylish cousin.
Chipmunk Clint Gamboa a.k.a. Junebug a.k.a. Asshat is very upset about Lakeisha and wants everyone to know it. Boo fricking hoo. Tru and I don’t like him although she gives him credit for being a good singer. I don’t think he does great on his SFYL song. “Hello,” David Cook nailed this so much better back in the season that was really good. In front of the judges he goes on and on about being a jackass, and he makes it through and we are annoyed now. All I can say is that I hope he gets his glasses from zenni.com because he has like, a thousand pairs.
Husky voiced Haley Reinhart is the next one to take the walk. She is one of those singers that gets by on the “she’s so unique” card. Tru and I want to like her because she seems like a nice gal, but we can’t even tell what she’s singing most of the time. To pass time (because the walk down the alien runway really is long), we discuss other singers who have unusual voices that we had to get used to. Stevie Nicks and Alanis Morrisette come to mind. Haley and her growling will be around, because she’s through to Top 24. I can’t help but think that Jen would have traded Haley for Hollie though. Just a feeling.
We are reminded of the cute teenager Deandre, which sounds like a girl’s name, but he is really a boy. What little we’ve seen of him so far has been pretty good, including his SFYL tune with a ukulele. If they want the tween vote, they need to look no further than this boy. Alas it is not to be – he is let go in spite of being told how marketable he is. I think he should head over to the set of the new Hawaii Five-0 and try out for a guest starring role, because that show has a lot of pretty stuff like him. Even the technology on that show is sexy, but I digress.
We have been watching this for one hundred thousand years, and they have only selected three people so far. "My Sweet Lord." Obviously this is going to continue in tomorrow night’s show. Can’t help but think that they could have shortened these Dr. Phil-like segments by a whole lot so that we could see more Vegas or SFYL singing.
Tru tells me that she read on AOL that the FOX network told the producers to edit the show to build up the selection process drama. Then again FOX is the network that cancelled the amazing Firefly before its first season, so they are not that smart. (So what if it’s been nine years? Browncoats don’t forget.)
All might be forgiven now, because we finally get to see Paul McDonald with the beard and great smile again. What little we’ve seen of him has been good. He has the high-pitched voice that I don’t usually like on a guy, but it suits him. As he makes the long walk, I realize that he is like a combination of David Cook, Chris Tomlin and Bradley Cooper, three things that are very good in different ways. We learn that he did an original song for his SFYL round while wearing a suit from the closet of Elvis’s ghost. ST liked it of course. Paul can wear anything he likes and we will get to see more because he is through to Top 24.
Next up is another Nashville native, the girl who could be America’s Next Top Model, Ashthon Jones. She is very pretty and sophisticated and doesn’t seem to have the cockiness of some of the past divas that we’ve known. She does a generic version of an old Whitney song for the SFYL round though, so we’re not sure. While Tru and I debate over whether we like her hair curly and wild or sleek and straight, we finally find out that she has made it through. It’s cute how she pulls a psych-out on her waiting family. Nice girl and we hope she doesn’t morph into Syesha 2.0.
We are running out of time and the tension is high. Voiceover Ryan reminds us again that this competition is hard on the judges - I mean contestants. No he really said judges. I sense foreshadowing.
The very nice guy Chris, with the Frodo hairdo and sweet spirit makes the long walk next. Technically he is not a great singer, but his performances are moving. The song he sings for SFYL round is the heartbreaking “Fix You” song. Tru thinks he sounds as good as Coldplay because she doesn’t like them. Chris reminds us of his injured fiancée again, and he seems sincere instead of maudlin. This story is so sad and we want the best for him and wonder who will play him in the inevitable Lifetime movie? Jen is the one who has to tell Chris that he is going back home to take care of his girl, and I bet you that a lot of female babies born nine months from now will be named Juliana. Although Chris makes a dignified exit, Jennifer has a nervous breakdown. This show man. Sincere, contrived or not, it’s hard to watch sometimes.
Quotes from tonight:
Ashley (to her fiance): You’re going through with it or I’ll kill you in your sleep.
Jacob: I didn’t want to take it all the way to Ebenezer Baptist on y’all.
Steven: Hey man, what were you doing in my closet? … that’s a law suit.
Tomorrow night we will see the rest of the grueling selection process as the contestants walk down the alien runway. Probably more therapy sessions too. Will J.Lo find the strength to continue? Will all of the contestants get to leave in a pimped out limo van? Viewing the next episode will require lots of chocolate, but I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
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