Please tell me the Steven Tyler apology is a freakin’ joke! Okay, yes it is. Good, whew. Almost wrote another angry letter! “Read my lips.” To paraphrase: Steven Tyler – “don’t want to change a thing!”
State capital of Texas y’all, for the third time says Ryan. Only 7500 hopefuls turn out for the cattle call, a lower number than other cities. The judges are brought in by horse driven carriage and/or limo.
The judges are delighted and fun and it’s like a pep rally now, this show. J.Lo's hubby Marc comes in wearing sunglasses to give her a kiss but not the guys, even though he flirts with them.
The first contestant is here with his newly discovered sister/best friend. They “tawk laak I do” and I know people like them in real life. They are so adorable, especially when the sister teases about the “mini microphone” during the interview. The judges even let her come in to sit at the table with them. Corey sings the sad Bonnie Raitt song about not being patronizing, and this guy would be perfect for Glee. Except as My Kid (Tru) says, they already have about 70 boys on that show just like him. They go on and on about cartoon voices, goosebumps and big booties and finally “heck yeah” him through to Hollywood. Lesson learned: J.Lo should never attempt a southern accent.
The next tiny little girl says she is 17 but she’s really like 11 or something. Holly tries to sing “At Last” but it is all over the place. The judges try to tell her that exact thing, but she has a nervous breakdown in the way that young people do sometimes. I can’t help but think that Simon would chew up this girl and spit her out, but it’s a new panel of liberal democrats and we don’t do that to our contestants. They give her another chance. Tru says she can’t stand to see these little children cry, so she goes to get a snack. They let the girl do another song and look! It’s Miley, only she sings better than Miley, so yes. Why not. The world needs many more Disney stars. Holly “Cyrus,” welcome to H’wood to get eaten alive. Can’t wait for you to meet Fuchsia Girl from the NJ audition.
Funny how the teenager straightens right on up with she gets her way, but that is just me being a cold-hearted realist. Many more tears flow and countless singers leave their crushed dreams behind on the letter D of the audition room. We see a girl with a flower, a couple of really cute people, a cement bull for some reason, and the female version of Prince.
The judges are waiting and waiting for the next good singer to come croon for them. It won’t be the next boy who looks like an anime character complete with green hair. J.Lo and Randy call each other names -“stupid and sweet” - a combo of both at times, I am thinking.
Then a montage of cowboys and you know what? Putting a cowboy hat on your head does not make you a cowboy anymore than putting a mic in your hand makes you a singer. Just saying. “Rugged,” Ryan says - a word he knows little about. But these next few guys look and sound more like what you see on truTV’s “World’s Dumbest.”
And then… “God bless Texas” as the background music says. Ryan talks to a tall drink of water named John (no kidding) Wayne who is quite possibly the prettiest young man to ever appear on this show. Very much hilarity ensues when John Wayne's dad teases Ryan about his masculinity (or lack thereof). We all know that Ryan is adorably metro, but this is not something cowboys really understand or know about. So now John tells us about his cancer-survivor mom and Tru and I try not to cry; we just look at each other and say “awwww” and we hope this hot man can sing. John is polite with dimples and I suppose he sings this country song well. It’s called “Believe” and I believe and J.Lo believes and My Kid believes and the parents of this gorgeous boy believe and we all believe he is going to Hollywood. Or the next episode of NCIS where Tony has a cousin from Texas.
Tru squees as Rascal Flatts plays in the background and we are cheering at mint green shirts, black cowboy hats, belt buckles, and even Ryan’s boo-boos. This show man. I love it with a guilty pleasure and don’t miss Simon and Paula Whats-their-names at all.
The second day of Austin starts, but do we really care now that we have seen John Wayne? ST and Randy hug and joke about J.Lo and how gorgeous and bootylicous she is today. And she really is – just shiny, white ruffles, red matte, a true star. And gloriously SANE.
Not so sane… a young girl who looks like a 90210 reject on meth. She is in luuuv with Ryan. “You know you love me!” she says with creepy eyes. I am sensing the plot of a Fatal Attraction remake, except hopefully without the elevator scene or sink scene and no boiling bunnies. This crazy show lets this crazy girl do a chicken impression and then dang. Courtney sings (finally!) and does a Sugarland song pretty well. ST wants her to “kindle up her star quality” and they let the Ryan-stalking Tatiana 2.0 chicken girl go through to Hollywood. Sigh.
Commercial time… The cool lady from Flashdance has a new cop show; it’s nice to see that even though I won’t watch it because cop shows are not my thing. Unless it’s Castle. Or Bones. Or Blue Bloods. Never mind!
Back to Idol which is why we are here. We try not to be distracted by outfits and tattoos made of flags, and there is a girl in hot pants who looks like Kay Lenz did a hundred years ago. The editors do that mish-mash thing they do, when they combine three good singers into one scene. Shauntel is hot pants girl and she can sing well. Alex is like a Ruben “not a house no,” and Caleb from Asheville NC “breaks a rusty cage.” They are all talented singers and are going to H’wood.
I didn’t even watch the show last year, but even I can tell that they’re playing the Lee DeWyze version of “Beautiful Day” in the background. And now I am wishing that I had not taken a break from the show, because I missed out on the entire “MamaSox” thing they had going. But we don’t have a DeLorean time machine and even if I did I would use it for other things. Sorry, Idol.
Anyway the Judgery is happy at the onslaught of talent this morning in Texas, and there is a lot of happiness ensuing on day two. ST is in rare form, flirting with both males and females like a rock star “living on the edge.”
It’s not even Valentine's Day and yet… we are subjected to a couple who appear to be wickedly in love. Tru says “I want to throw up lots of rainbows now.” So the girl is blonde and silly and the boy is dimply and giddy. It’s like these kids are the Pickler and Archuleta of 2011, only together and they can’t stop smiling. Jacqueline begs for “Mercy” and I don’t think it’s great, but the judges and her beau like it a lot. Nick sings some song that sounds Buble-ish and it’s nice to the ears, but watching his nonstop smile is way too eerie. They both go to Hollywood, thank goodness, because to be apart would mean distinguishing the flame of luuuv!
Need to take a break from all that sugar… I make a note to remind myself to watch the local news tonight – Scotty from Garner will be featured. It’s fun having hometown folks to root for and NC has had a ton. Clay, Fantasia, Chris, and ugh yes even Kellie. We hope this year’s NC guy will go far in the competition.
Back to the “old-fashioned honky-tonk.” A pretty blonde girl is featured and she seems like a real sweetheart. They show her with her family and she is hoping to dispel the myth that all southerners are straight out of Deliverance. Janelle looks like a movie star and sings like an angel. Ryan talks to her supportive family while she sings for the judges. This girl does Shania just as good as Shania does and then Tru and I wonder where the heck has Shania been lately? (I think off getting remarried.) No matter, Janelle is going to Hollywood, very well deservedly.
The winning streak ends and we are forced to watch an armadillo costume and a montage of Randy the Original Judge being mean to a lot of bad singers. Now is a good time to go pop some Orville. Atomic Dawgs indeed. Mr. Jackson is extra snarky to a girl that looks like Buckwheat. It’s harsh, but you have to admit that if these people had any true friends, they would have kept them home. Oh bow wow yippee yo yippee yay.
No audition show would be complete without camera slapping, toe tapping and jack happy weird people. Endless waiting in the heat with the crowds have made a lot of these folks a hot mess.
Then we meet a guy who looks like the one who is always the sidekick to the leading man in every romcom ever made… you know the one? Tru says Zach Galifianakis and I am so amazed that she could pronounce that name, that I almost miss that the young man tells the interviewer that he gets mistaken for the actor from the new Green Hornet movie. We wonder if they are setting this guy up for humiliation with his little keyboard/ horn thingy. Then Casey sings a Ray Charles song and he is terrific! So totally not expected! He scats and ughs and jams and he’s the best of the show tonight. The Judgery agree and I am hoping that blue-sy Casey follows the AI path of Taylor Hicks instead of Sundance Head. Casey plays Pied Piper to dancing judges, and everyone is happy to leave Austin on a Casio note.
Quotes:
Ryan (getting off his cell phone): Parents wondering where I am. Trying to prove to them I actually work for a living.
Crazy Stalking Girl: Ryan Seacrest is the sexiest man alive.
Steven: Where is your pitchfork, you little devil?
Bad Singer: I’m dying inside… Randy: Me too.
Tomorrow night they will be coming at us from the left coast, home of the bizarrest - Los Angeles. Speaking of weirdness - until then, Tru and I are going to SyFy On Demand to watch Being Human. It’s a show about odd young people trying to find themselves and their place in the world. It’s kinda like Idol, but with vampires. J
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