Hollywood Week, Part 1 "God Bless the Broken Road to Sudden Death Rounds"

Voiceover Ryan says that countless dreams will be tested during Hollywood week. It took seven audition cities to get here, and there’s a record-breaking number of contestants that made it this far. 327 to be exact, almost double the norm from seasons past.

The audition process was kinder and gentler but what about "Hell"ywood week? There really is no place like it on earth, so says Seacrest.

The singers arrive from all over the country, surely hoping that they will like their roommate and maybe even get some sightseeing done before they get the boot.

Ryan and the Judgery do a sportsmanlike huddle before Randy gives a speech about how your butts better be on your best game.

Sudden Death round is first and it sounds ominous. No feedback will be given - just “will you or won’t you” stay for one more day in Hollywood.

First up is the red-haired teenager Brett. We remember him from the anti-bullying public service announcements. He sings “Let it Be” and it sounds good, but I am distracted by his wild Carrot hair and expecting exploding watermelons. 

It is evident that the producers will be pimping out their favorites tonight, because some folks that we haven’t met before make it though in addition to Brett. But we are not expected to care about the others, because they’ve never been victims.

As I ponder the hardness of my stone cold heart, we are subjected to a couple of overly self-confident gals - Opera Girl Rachel and precocious teen Thia. My Kid (Tru) squees with delight when her favorite guy, bearded Casey performs, even though this time it’s sans melodica. All three of these make it through to the next round.

Next up we are reminded of the Miley wannabe from my home state. I wanted to root for her but after a google search, I found her to be just a little much. If you ever wondered what the Church Lady was like as a teenager, you got Fuchsia Girl. This is the aftermath of Toddlers and Tiaras, folks. Sad for her but good for us, she and her twelve pieces of luggage and 28 relatives are sent back to NC.

OMG! A new Old Spice commercial featuring the best-looking man that Mother Nature ever created. HOT!!  Someone please get him a TV show with the quickness.

Whew. Anyway, back to very serious Idol business. We are reminded of fauxhawk James and the sweet lady with the deaf daughter, Paris. They are both good singers so maybe we can focus on that, yes? Well no, of course not. This is reality television.

Paris does the song from Titanic that played so much back in the 90s that everyone hates it now. James sings a song called “Oh Darling” and he is good until he channels Glambert and I am not feeling him or his long back pocket scarf. 

We also get to hear the pretty Miss Teen Whatever gal, who sings like you expect a pageant winner to sing. (Like Jessica Simpson lite.) She is totally forgotten when we hear Lauren, the teen blonde from Nashville who blows us away with her rendition of “Unchained Melody.” And Simon is not even there to hear his favorite song performed so well.

Going through to the next round are – Paris, James, and Lauren, natch. Others go through also but we are not on a “need to know” basis with those folks. It’s buh bye to Miss Pageant Girl but she’s not real sad about it.

We have to save the sad for Chris, the guy with the injured fiancée; quiet possibly the saddest Idol back-story ever. Chris is nice - he is a combo of Frodo Baggins and Todd Agnew, two very good things that I like. He makes it through and I notice that his tie/vest combo is nice also.

More commercials so it’s popcorn time. Am I the only person on the face of the earth that’s not into Glee? Yeah, thought so.

On the stage, we see several contestants, most of them look familiar but we don’t really remember. They are stumbling over nerves, forgetting the words, and getting the stern lecture from Professor Tyler.

It looks like the teenagers are going to be the ones who shine. Sweet Jacee sings the “Broken Road” song, and Tru is delighted because she loves Rascal Flatts for some reason. Cute Robbie with the nose like Raymond Barone still sings the same as before, which is good. The little hysterical blonde Hollie – the one who had a nervous breakdown so they gave her another chance – totally redeems herself and sings her tiny heiney off. All three of these children make it to the next round, all deservedly so.

The tall accountant doesn’t do that well and he needs to go back to checking spreadsheets and running numbers. Others that don’t make it include the jazzy gal with the glasses, and the one who is the niece of Randy’s old coach. Also gone are some lovely girls that we only know vaguely, and the belly dancer who looks like Kate on Fairly Legal. They should totally cast her in that show. Shattered spirits and lots of tears ensue as more and more folks are sent home.

Day two in Hollywood. 160 contestants down and 163 to go. This math does not compute with the number that Voiceover Ryan gave us earlier, but that is okay.  Anything is okay as long as Steven is skipping right on into the auditorium with his bodyguard. We love that dirty old rocker man; what a fun guy and great addition to this show.

On stage, the morning is not going well for a girl who is trying too hard, a little boy who never should have come this far, and a guy who looks like Fisher on Bones. Can’t help but think that if Simon was here, he would be having a litter of kittens by now.

It’s this-close to Valentine’s Day so we are reminded of two couples – the exes who sang really well together and the saccharine couple that makes Speidi look normal. And guess what?  The girls and guys are rooming together and becoming BFFs, because the producers are cruel beetards.

The ex-beau Rob looks like Earl Hickey’s friend Ralph, and when he sings he is “so lonesome he could cry,” you believe it. His ex Chelsee is pretty, sounds nice but she’s rather bland. I think she has potential though; with a top 12 makeover and some hair extensions a’la Kat McPhee, she could be a star.

The “happy couple” doesn’t seem to be fairing as well. The Smiling Guy looks like a villain from Gossip Girl and massacres some song about shoes. Heidi, er I mean Jacquelyn has a wailing horrible voice and a crazy teal flower growing out of the side of her head.

Out of the four, crazy Smiling Guy doesn’t make it through and he goes completely apeshit. Spencer has nothing on this guy! Pratt, you are totally forgiven. He even tries to blame Ryan for his misfortune because he doesn’t care enough.

Tru reminds me that this isn’t the worst H’wood week shenanigans that we’ve seen – remember the “my spirit is broken” twins from a few years back? Ugh. The girlfriend didn’t do any better, so I am suspecting that her continuing on the show is a ratings ploy.

Finally we are back to some good singers. Scotty, the country singing teenager, repeats the song he sang in the initial audition; he sings so deep that we got chills. A couple of other performers repeat their first songs – bluesy Jackie with the ancient boyfriend, and Jerome with the same ditty but maybe different hat and hornrims. All three of these make it through to the next round. Hopefully they will all learn at least one more song.

Okay, so we are expected to believe that the contestants are standing there on stage while the judges talk about them and make their decision? Right in front of them, where they can hear the conversation… Awkward.

As the second night of H’wood is winding down, we are reminded of Tiffany, the over-the-top Jersey Shore wannabe. Right off the bat she pisses everybody off by stating that she is “tired of hearing everyone else say that they can do what she knows she can do.” WTH? She sings well but I am sensing that she will be our token Beyotch for this season. Hello Brenna Gethers 2.0, not nice to see ya.

Also from the NJ audition is the cute homeless shelter boy who has a sweet spirit but just an okay performance tonight. So they have to weigh the odds here… flamboyant friend of Snooki or kind-hearted teenager? Beyotch wins and it’s back to the Bronx for the other early hopeful.

Because the producers hate us, we are forced to listen to Katy Perry’s most annoying song while we see too quick flashes of some of our favorites make it through. Way to go for highlighting these good singers, NIGEL.

Tru and I are glad to see the rock festival janitor Naima, the White House intern gal Molly, the squeaky voiced “lost it all in the fire” girl Emily Anne, the car wreck survivor with the pretty smile Stefano, the karaoke host guy Clint, pretty Julie from Columbia, the Gutierrez brothers Mark and Aaron, and good-looking Paul with the beard.

One not-so-great is the hyperactive gal Ashley with the Madonna teeth. Tru says to not be a hater on the girl just because she has a “garage door” thing going on in the grill area. I promise her that is not the reason.

Quote from H’wood Week:

Rejected Boyfriend Guy to Ryan: “Are you washed-out emotionally because you've been doing this for 10 years?”

What happened in Hollywood will continue next week when we get the dreaded group rounds. From the previews, we are ensured much drama. But that is why we watch, yes? Until then, I am visiting the spoiler pages to see if any of my favorites make it to Top 40! Shhh, don’t tell anyone.