Hollywood Week, Part 2 "Amazing Grenades and F-bombs Here We Come"

It seems forever ago that we saw round one of Hollywood week, instead of merely six days. As the old song says “time goes by so slowly…” (Actually that is so not true when you’re my age, but I digress.)

Tonight we have two hours to see personality clashes, groups “exploding on stage,” and more drama than a whole season’s worth of Real Housewives of Wherever.

Me, My Kid (Tru) and Kaylee the Superpup have settled in on the sofa, all snug with our blankies. And smug too, waiting to judge the action! 

Mr. States-the-Obvious Seacrest tells us that the Hollywood Week Group Rounds are the toughest of the competition. They prove it with footage of “Hell Week” from seasons past. We get a kick out of remembering the devil beard “I don’t do groups” rant. Good times!

So how to explain group night… it’s like Real World meets Snapped, hosted by Jerry Springer. With a little bit of Intervention and Swamp People thrown in.

It works like this - 168 remaining contestants have to break into groups of at least three. The day one singers thought that they would get a head start, but Nigel fixed their little red wagon. Each group must contain members from both day one and day two. Surprise!

So this puts Carrot Boy Brett and his gang of unknowns in a quandary right away. They think they’ve found a Random Blonde but oops that Vain Jersey gal snatches her away. Nobody else wants anything to do with Tiffany and not only because of her inflated ego. Every girl should know when to go with strapless.

It’s NJ skank vs. NC schoolboy when naïve teenage Scotty backs away slowly, breath spray in hand. Or is it mace? Our hometown boy is really out of his element in this crowd, and we’re a little bit nervous for him. He wanders aimlessly from group to group, trying to find someone who is compatible with non-dancing male country baritone.

Jordan – the piano teacher who was so sweet during his first audition – is now known as the Boy Beyotch in a Hat. He rudely rejects Scotty as well as a cute little gal he calls a “weak link.” As we know, H’wood group week is where our divas and divos are introduced. The claws really come out and the freak flags fly.

Some guy who looks like a cross between David Spade and Norman from the season I stopped watching is expressing dismay at not finding a group.

We also see a tidbit from Fiancé Frodo and more of poor Scotty singing that One Song he knows. Karaoke Junebug with the big white glasses is being an asshat.

Then we see Ashley, the wild child who may or may not be on meth. Tru says that her teeth are not jacked up enough to be on meth. Maybe she’s just a beginning user. If so there might be hope.

Vain Jersey and her Random Blonde just can’t get a third person to join them because no one wants an STD. More caterwauling ensues and then finally the freakin’ producers let them be a duo. I call BS on that.

Voiceover Ryan explains to the viewing audience that there is no end to the frustration and desperation of people who just want a private place to practice. There are 39 groups and each one thinks that they are the only one, you know?

The cute dimpled brothers, along with the boy who crushed on J.Lo are in the boys’ bathroom. Fiancé Frodo, the singing waitress, and some others are in the girls’. This math doesn’t really add up, and I wonder if this second group can read the signs? But the acoustics, wow. I can totally dig on the acoustics.

Next is a cheesy fun segment with lots of freshmen in high school including one that looks like Sister Sister. Very pretty blue nail polish talks about the advantages of being a toddler - no stress and better dancing. And look it’s the moms, lots and lots of them, looking the way that tired moms look. One boy has long curly hair and Tru squees that she is being all pedo again, crushing on these 16-year-olds.

Someone who is not digging the “Minors” is James with the doo rag. He gripes about how some kids have a better advantage and he makes a valid point. He really should mind his own beeswax though and tend to his own garden. In his own group is the teen girl with the two-toned hair who was somewhat a wreck during her first audition. I think she is wishing her mom was there as well. And Doo Rag guy? Screaming does not equal singing. Just saying.

Now the Exes and the Heidi Clone with the boyfriend who is gone are Three’s Company. Poor Frank Buffay, Jr.-looking guy is eaten alive by this Terminator Barbie, and the redheaded Ex acts as her (its) enabler.

Ashley of the maybe drug addiction is coming off her meds (or high, whichever.) She looks 40 years old in the face and you just don’t get that way from lack of sleep alone. The very nice young ladies in her group try to hug her through the pain but she just wants to go home. Instead of letting her go to get the medical/ mental/ drug counseling she needs, the producers encourage her to stay. This is not in her best interest. And why the heck’s her boyfriend there?

Meanwhile, back to Gay Glasses and his group which includes Scotty and the boy who looks like Jake Harper. Jacee
is his name, and we will remember it because he will be the cause of an entire box of Kleenex to be consumed by Tru and me. They kick him out of the group! This darn show, man. Jacee cries and his parents are sweet and he walks around with his CD player and earplugs while we snivel.

Holy crap American Idol. I don’t care anymore about Jordon Boy Beyotch and his drama queen antics. Who does he think he is anyway, Kanye? The gal with the long curly hair, Lauren, is trying to salvage their act and it's good riddance to bad rubbish when Jordan leaves for another group.

Meth Girl comes back and her group mates compassionately and warmly take her back. This is very sweet and makes Tru and me cry even more. I think part of this is because we both have PMS.

The group with Carrot Brett is still looking for a day two member and they find Jacee. And Jacee finds them and then the theme of the Brady Bunch plays. (Not really.) Then a really pretty black gal says she was praying and we are all happy now because Jacee was the answer.

And I loathe a whole lot of people on this show right now. Not just Gay Glasses and Beyotch Boy but also Vain Jersey, Heidi Clone with the exes and Doo Rag boy with the screaming. I bet Tru that all of these douchebags make it to the next round, but she wisely doesn’t bet against that action because this is American Idol and we know how they think.

It’s the next morning and we see Jackie with the old-fart beau for the first time tonight. She is not putting any makeup on, she is THAT tired. Then it’s pretty girls in the hallway who did take time to dress nicely. One of them looks like a very young Marilu Henner, to which My Kid says who?

More pressure, more practice, more posing. Voiceover Ryan warns us: some of your favorites “Will. Be. Going. Home.”

39 groups and Tru and I wish we could see all of these at some point. That would mean “Hollywood Week Group Rounds the Miniseries,” but surely they could post these online somewhere on idol.com. They have the footage so why not?

We are not to question because it’s time for Judgery Pep Talk - shiny golden Steven tells them that he knows about addictions and fame – “been there, done that, got that poster, BEEN that poster.” Poufy Dynasty- attired Jennifer talks about “all kinds of stuff” and Randy says that if you forget the words you have to wear polka dots like him.

Finally singing. A trio of tall skinny girls with noses like that snobby girl on Glee are up first. They sing a song about grenades and cutting yourself with blades and this song has weirdass lyrics. Tru starts singing along and quite honestly, she sounds as good as these girls. I ask her what is this awful song? She says it’s by that guy who just got out of cocaine charges and won a Grammy. Okay. Anyway, all three lovelies make it through but the one named Pia was the best.

Ryan quizzes groups backstage to rehash and reiterate that Jordan is the Bad Guy, and a young man who looks exactly like him only shorter and less flamboyant is the Good Guy. It’s like WWE but with singing. The vocal coach Debbie Byrd comes in to referee.

It is official – I so very much dislike this Jordan. Robbie Dustin Hoffman Jr. is not helping himself by singing with him or being in his general vicinity. Their harmonies are okay and the singing is meh; nothing really standing out. The judges disagree and J.Lo says that it was good and they are all going through. It’s so funny how all of the other members of Jordan’s group dislike him as much as we do. You can tell a lot by body language.

Next is the abandoned group who sings that song that has the F-word that you can’t say on TV. None of these people are Gwyneth Paltrow or that big guy who is like the black Elton John. Tru tells me Cee-Lo but I don’t really care. On stage tonight the curly-haired Lauren is doing that “I’m angry” kind of singing and she sounds great. Others in the group that we don’t know sing the gold-digger backup vocals. It’s not bad and they all make it through. It’s still hard to believe how they make the contestants stand there while the judges debate. I can hear Willow Rosenberg’s voice say “I’m Exactly. Right. Here!”

A very funny moment when the abandoned group disses Jordan, as in Jordan who? Michael Jordan? Jordin Sparks? We don’t know no other Jordan, yo. I like the ones with a sense of humor, so these are my people.

Ryan says it’s a strong start for group rounds UNTIL! Cue the music from Psycho. Or Jersey Shore. Or Kendra. Take your pick. Vain Jersey and the Random Blonde prove to everyone’s dismay that they are not “Irreplaceable” and it’s “to the left, to the left” or wherever the exit is, take it. There is really no explanation to the madness. It’s not surprising how the blonde goes from “my angel” to Jersey’s victim of “back off beyotch.” What a “Situation,” but minus the abs.

Speaking of abs… some shirtless boy opens his hotel door; he overslept and his group is ticked that they are all late for their turn now. Meanwhile back in the auditorium, Steven entertains the crowd with a drum solo and a few hearty yelps.

Finally the group performs the other Bruno Mars song - the one that makes my teeth hurt because it’s so darn sweet. Sadly, they are not “so beautiful.” It’s rather off-key except for MySpace Karen who is “amazing just the way” she is. The judges agree and she makes it through as well as Jovany Who Stripped in New Orleans. ST must need new granny glasses because he reads “congrats to you three” when it’s only two of them going through. We are all confused now.

Before the next group performs we see very unnecessary footage of a girl dubbed Noodle Nose. It’s too gross to even begin to explain here. Also gross? Underage girls who flirt with men old enough to be their great grandpa.

Ke$ha-haired Lauren is the leader of this pack and although Tru and I like her singing a lot, we’re not sure of this trickery. They ask ST to sit in a chair on stage with them while they sing and gyrate around him. They all sing very well, it’s just kind of nasty. He even gives a howl and pretends that he is going to “be partial.” Lauren is heralded to be Uncle Nigel’s very favorite so she goes through. The rest of them don’t make it though, which is confusing because they were all equally good. The other three gals are weirdly supportive while Lauren smiles through some fake “Cryin’” (which plays in the background.)

Before we can say Pimping Contestants Makes Viewers Dislike Them, we are on to another lengthy commercial break. I have time to make some white chocolate covered pretzels. Yum. The stress of this show will make anyone want a snack!

The next group to perform are all from Nashville, including a really cute guy named Colton in a beanie, and Matt with the dirty hat/overalls combo. For the most part they are terrifyingly bad on the “Just the Way You Are” song and the judges are about to barf. Only cute Colton and his beanie make it through that horror show.

Also having a bad day – a blonde who dances like Elaine on Seinfeld, Jen’s facial expressions, and a group of people who can’t sing the F-you song. I just don’t get it - why do artists write and perform songs and put them on albums when key words will be bleeped when played in public? Tru is a true believer in the right to say the F-word and finds nothing wrong with it. I am too old-fashioned I guess. Having this song on American Idol and Glee and The Grammys, just feels icky and fake though. Like when that Samuel L. Jackson movie aired on TV and his infamous line was edited as “too many monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane.” Such lameness, but I digress.

Anyway back on stage… Jen is dismayed – disheartened I tell you! – at the display of early hopefuls who are doing poorly tonight. The pretty blonde country gal from Austin is crashing with pig tails and a crocheted cap. Alyson, the one that ST thought may or may not have been the great granddaughter of a groupie he once knew. Some chick that is “arguing with them” to give her another chance.

The saddest of these is Paris, the one with the deaf child, and Jen and the other judges are so disappointed. Paris can go home to her daughter now while they all sit in stunned disbelief.

A song called “It’s Over Goodbye” plays in the background and this song is epic. Remind me to google it later. Tru and I are shocked to see the elimination of the black gal/white parents who sang country so well. Not so much the Chicken Dancing girl. One of the dimpled brothers is let go and one stays. So many tears and slow motion walking away from dreams.

Randy and his bright red shirt give a pep talk. He BELIEVES in these performers and he is rallying for them.  I notice that his shirt matches the red Coke cups that they usually have but it’s the purple vitaminwater that they are pimping tonight. Who knew that was a Coke product?

On stage is Meth Girl and her three friends. (Tru frogs me every time I call her that; she has an odd liking for this gal.) They sing the song that Janay sang so badly back in season 4; the difference is these gals tonight are awesome! Their harmonies are great and Ashley kinda sorta redeems herself with good singing. They even have prop money that they toss up in the air. “Hit ‘em Up Style” indeed. The best of these four girls is named Ashthon and with a name like that you have to be gorgeous. Even the competitors in the audience are digging this and all of them go through.

Not everyone is in the auditorium though. Outside, there is more practicing among the Minors with their moms looking on, one of them blowing cigarette smoke rings.

Ryan encourages the rivalry as James Doo Rag and his group take the stage only to massacre a Queen song. The harmonies really are painful and the stage moms of the “rivals” agree. Geez, “can anybody find me” … some earplugs? Even the extremely cute unknown guy can’t help this mess. The only ones selected from this performance are a guy named Caleb (who did just as bad as the rest) and Doo Rag. I am so completely over him and his shrieking.

More stage moms sit in judgment and they are annoying, but we can’t blame their antics on the kids. And these kids are more than all right. They don’t miss a single note and the harmony is excellent. We have found a lot of “somebodies to love” including the extremely cute boy with the hair. Standing “O” from the judges and then “We are the Champions” plays in the background. Wow these kids. Steven even says that Freddie Mercury is smiling down, or up whichever. Then they ruin the moment with more stage mom shenanigans.

The girls of the Three’s Company team are ridiculing the token Jack Tripper. With a malevolent smile, Heidi Clone says she will hit this boy with her taser. Really now? Rob wouldn’t notice because he’s tired and doesn’t even care anymore.

Also not caring is the next group. One boy has the lyrics of that stupid “Grenade” song written on his hand. Didn’t he get the memo that this is a capital offense? Corey, the one with the adorable long lost sister, mumbles words and won’t look at the audience. Hollie of the Austin nervous breakdown sings very well in a shiny white jacket. Although they are dubbed as one of the worst groups, Corey and Hollie still make it through. Poor Corey doesn’t even understand why the heck he made it, but runs off the stage before he shoots himself in the foot with Heidi Clone’s taser.

Ryan tells us that a couple of groups will be performing a cappella, including the one that Julie from Colombia and Casey with the melodica are in. As a group, they are not sounding great on “Get Ready,” but individually they sound fine, plus they are color coordinated. Julie already looks like a star and Casey looks like… well, a comedian. That doesn’t matter because they are both going on to the next round. We don’t even remember the others so it’s okay.

The next group sings the same song but with better harmonies and kinda fabulous but cheesy choreography. And matching red high heels! Always a plus. A black guy named Jacob wraps it up with a high to deep run that is fantastic. In this group are Naima the janitor and Matt with the Off the Map hair. The judges are thrilled with them and everyone makes it through.

We get to meet the Spade/Norman guy named Carson again. We are also reminded of the singing waitress, Fiancé Frodo and the other guy with hair like his. They do the F-you song but it’s all over the place. Or maybe I am just extremely tired of this song? They all make it except Devyn the singing waitress. Devyn wails “I really hate you right now” and wants to go before Idol Court and plead her case. That is soooo not gonna happen. “Aint’ that some shhhh.”

So did they get like three songs to choose from, we wonder? Goodness, am tired of these same ditties already. I suppose “the change in their pocket wasn’t enough” to purchase rights to anything else.

Meanwhile, Steven is trying to make everyone laugh with puns and pop culture references, but the rejected and dejected singers aren’t buying it. Maybe because they are too young to get his jokes.

We finally see John Wayne again and see/hear a snippet of awkward dancing and singing. JW is the only white dude in his group so ST makes the joke about the Apollo Theater. This reference probably goes right over his gorgeous head. I have to explain to Tru about the Apollo show that used to be hosted by Steve Harvey, but she only knows him as the new Family Feud host. (We are almost as addicted to that show as we are to AI.)

They go back to Jacee, the baby-faced teenage sweetheart who was so rudely ousted from his group by Gay Glasses. His new group sings “Mercy” and everyone sounds wonderful. Carrot Brett is in rare flaming form to everyone’s delight. I like the girl named Stevie who looks like a young Avril and Denise who prayed earlier. Poor Jacee fumbles on the words but is adorable about it. Before Randy finally tells them that they all made it, we cry some more as the girls hug Jacee. Then Ryan chats with him too and it’s so endearing, and I need Excedrin Migraine now.

So now on stage, Gay Glasses has to explain to the judges why he is a total jackass. Poor Scotty apologizes to Jacee, his parents, the audience, and the entirety of America that he didn’t stick up for him. Then the singing starts and we are irritated now, because they are so darn good! It’s displaced anger because the girls weren’t really in on it, especially the one that looks like non-cartoon Velma. As revenge, the judges pull a fast one on GG but they all make it through. “Get Ready” for more drama to come. Poor Scotty cries and cries because he just can’t get over how badly Jacee was treated and that he was part of that gang.

It is good that there are a thousand commercials now because we need a break. Tru is glad that Scotty was humble and sang well and she can remain a fan and feel good about it. She would face the wrath of all her friends if she was not a Scotty fan. (He is hometown so it’s like a law or something.)

Night is falling on Hollywood Group week, and we are reminded of the sixty-something who have been cut from the competition. Then because we have the attention span of gnats, we are recapped that the Lovebirds are minus one guy in a shiny shirt. We see vocal coach Debbie fussing at the remaining three, mostly at Phoebe’s brother.

On stage they do that dratted Cee-Lo song again. Red Head is okay but waves her arms a lot. The Heidi Clone is horrible, growling and breathy. Pitiful Rob doesn’t even try to remember the words, he just makes up stuff. This is not the way to win the hearts of the judges. It is no surprise that Rob is ousted but both girls make it through somehow. Not sure what is more irritating, Heidi’s gloating or the exes “final goodbye.” He’s a better singer than the other two put together.

Quotes from hell week part 2:

Scotty from Garner: What kinda dance we talking about, I aint’ no daggone Michael Jackson!

Doo Rag Guy: Maybe Idol isn’t the competition for stage moms?

Heidi Clone: Can we do it like a million times more, then we’ll move on?

Tomorrow night there will be more solo singing, thank goodness. The final 100 but only half will survive. “Whose star will burn out?” asks Voiceover Ryan. We already know whose star we want to punch out. With a taser no less.