After approximately 1000 years we are still in Hollywood. We see quick flashes of those who have elegantly said good bye as well as those who still have a shot at impressing the judges tonight.
My Kid Tru and I are looking forward to this a lot more than Kaylee the superpup - she is more interested in her squeaky fish toy. This puppy needs her own reality show, no lie. She could show all of these contestants how to be a diva with a capital D.I.V.A!
We have a Memento moment with this episode tonight. We start at night time with the 100 contestants sitting in a giant holding room while the Judgery play solitaire in the dark with their photographs. Then we flashback to … morning sky, herbal tea, buffet breakfast, more practicing, and lots of mugging for the cameras.
Ryan tells us that it’s Contestants Choice for this solo round – they can sing with an instrument, sing with the band, or sing a cappella. Key word = SING.
First up is blonde Haley who has something to prove, because evidently her group performance was not that great. Tru says that she reminds her of a growly Jewel who needs to invest in a hair straightener. Haley sings “God Bless the Child” like she is Christina in Burlesque. Didn’t she know that movie flopped? (At least she would probably remember the “ramparts” though.) The judges bestow love and “redemption” on the girl but it’s early yet.
Ashthon looks like a contestant on that Tyra modeling show. Tru says she also needs a straightener, but I tell her that maybe curls are “in.” This gal is gorgeous and stylish but sounds exactly like everyone else who has sung this song only less so. “And I Am Telling You” that I remember Jennifer and LaKisha “and you and you” were maybe not as good, but way more pretty in the red dress.
Next up is the little gal named Thia in a sweater from the Dr. Huxtable collection. She sings the “Wonderful World” song and reminds me of Jasmine from season four, but with a deeper voice. Terry Fator sang this better with his puppets but that was another show. Before we can realize that the letters of the alphabet are on Thia’s rainbow sweater, she’s finished howling the Louie Armstrong classic.
It’s not such a wonderful world for Adrian who blames his mess-up on the band. And you can’t even say “Yo Adrian” because he is not Rocky’s wife, he’s a guy Adrian in spite of all the earrings. Tru reminds me that I am old-fashioned and rolls her eyes at me.
Performing with professionals is also not working for the other guy named Caleb who is a giant tool about it. Poor Velma from Scooby-Doo wails something about lipstick stains and can’t find the right note with a map. (Those meddling kids!) The keyboardist is not happy at all about being blamed for the failure of these divas to sing in key.
Speaking of divas, we are reminded of cutthroat Junebug who has switched to black glasses but still looks like Simon from the Chipmunks. He is sing-yelling “Georgia on My Mind” with a whole lot of runs and too many “oh yeahs.” Tru says she thinks he needs to shorten it to George, heh. He sounds like he is trying to KILL this song and success! It’s dead so stop already. I don’t know why everyone seems to be auditioning for Broadway so far tonight.
A couple of blondes we haven’t seen before also do “Georgia” and they sound almost exactly the same. One is named Kendra, a name that the E channel has ruined, and the other one is barefoot and looks like a blonde Nancy Griffin. Tru says the second one reminds her of the gal in Paramore, but I am not sure who that is and will have to google it later.
Frodo Chris is going to do an acoustic version of “My Prerogative.” He just wants to mix things up a bit to break the depression. Funny Guy Carson is also doing the same song, but the difference is he will be using the band. Tru and I argue over Carson - she loves him and thinks he can sing. I think he would be okay for Last Comic Standing but not this show, especially when he has a Taylor Hicks “kill the mic stand” moment. I have to admit that Carson seems adorable, but I don’t tell that to My Kid.
Next we see the performers who used their own instruments. Julie on piano sings about how she won’t write anyone a “Love Song.” Bushy Caleb from the basement “feels it all over” with his guitar, but he is no “Sir Duke.” “What About Now” asks Colton from the piano, and he has pretty eyes and Japanese anime hair.
Carrot Brett and his guitar whine about something, I am not sure what, but it is obvious that everyone will love it because that is how precious he is. Robbie on keyboard sings “Gravity” very well. I like it when boys sing girl songs and vice versa, it makes it interesting. Tru and I both like Sara Bareilles, and we think he did it justice. (More so than Julie earlier on the other popular song by Sara.)
One of our very favorite season 10 contestants is bearded Casey, who is performing with a stand up bass. Ryan explains that this is an Idol first. One of the lovable things about Casey is that he is 19 but looks 32. I bet he never gets carded! On stage, he gives crazy faces, perfect singing and we don’t even know the song until finally he says “Georgia.” Tru asks “Can I have one?” I reply, “A stand up bass?” She answers, “Him.” ST can’t help himself from doing backup as Casey channels everything in this world that is good and fun. Such a great performer, and nice guy, too.
Casey tries to comfort Chelsee, but we are not feeling sorry for the redheaded ex-GF who is crying over her “circumstances.” The T2000 has come apart and Heidi Clone has to go back to the shop for rewiring. She’s known her for a mere few days, but Red Head is losing the best friend she’s ever had! Don’t you understand this!? On stage, Red puts a country twang on the Kelly Clarkson song about being afraid to stray from the sidewalk. I am afraid too, Red. That your ex sings way better than you, and “Because of You” he is out. This is a good example of what happens when nice girls hang out with skanks - that stench rubs off.
Next up is Lauren, and she is adorable in the clips that they show of her being a child. There is something about her that bothers me though. She is way too cutesy with her flirting with the Geritol crowd. Tru reminds me that ST is the coolest old man ever, but still. I try to just listen to her perfect rendition of the Armageddon song (again), and she almost makes us forget the 1,479 other times this has been sung on Idol. Jen reminds ST and the rest of us that Lauren is Fiiiiiifteeeeen.
Jason 'doo bee doo bee doos' his way through “God Bless the Child” and reaches for every note from every galaxy of Fantasia. He spits and scats and sputters as the judges tap on the vitaminwater cups. "Mama may have" and "papa may have" but Jason really does have. Tru says he is really good for jazz and blues and she likes him a lot. He seems to be possessed by some holy spirit and after a standing ovation from everyone, he runs through the auditorium. Strange boy this Jason. Amen!
From this sobbing nervous breakdown we awkwardly segue to John Wayne. He is the cowboy with the cute face and the hat and the same green shirt from his first audition. He does Stevie Nicks' "Landslide" but he probably thinks that he is doing a Dixie Chicks song because he's that young. Jen even sings along but it’s not really in harmony. His voice is just average but if they let girls in based on pretty, it’s only fair they let him go through also, yes?
Wacky Ashley has a “I’m hiding behind this curtain because I love you” moment, to paraphrase Dug from Up. She goes on and on about how she hasn’t bombed yet but she messes up words, and all of her 18 personalities try to take over on stage now. "Go to the chorus!" Randy begs. She sings pretty well but this is why having your boyfriend there to make you nervous is not a good thing. At least he loves her for how crazy she is and Tru says "I want them to get married and have thousands of crazy little babies and her to perform on Broadway."
Now for some more boys in varying stages of cutefulness. We can feel car wreck survivor Stefano "all over" and we notice he has Joey Tribbiani eyes. Jovany won’t sing with the band but still loves Marc Antony; he also still has a shirt and reminds us of Victor in Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse. Lil Jacee sings David Cook like you expect an infant would sing it, and the judges seem to be having the "time of their life." Tru and I adore this boy for his sweet nature and pure voice, but does anyone honestly think he is ready for the live stage?
Also not quite ready for the big time live shows is our hometown boy Scotty. He is dismayed that he won’t be able to sing that One Song He Knows because it is not on The List. For no apparent reason he chooses "I Hope You Dance" even though he doesn't know it at all. He mangles, massacres, and mutilates the words, complete with sub-titles, but before we can ponder nuts of wonder –
Here comes a really pretty gal who has a Paris Bennett face and a weird name with too many T’s – what is it with these names parents? Anyway... her voice is nowhere near close to key on the Lee Ann Womack classic. "I hope another door opens" for this girl indeed, because it's a hot mess. From the songs on The List, seems like they would know something better than this.
These two teenagers, so different in every way except this one song in common, are back in the holding room. They are both beating themselves up about their horrid performance. Scotty apologizes to the camera but the other girl is sobbing into her phone like she has actual privacy. But we all know that there is no such thing when you sell your soul to 19 Entertainment. Then I am distracted because I notice that there is a girl who looks like Carly Smithson sitting right in front of Scotty. Where's she been and what is her story? We may never know...
Now the 100 "gifted performers" are waiting… the judges are deliberating. The editors are having fun with video split screen special effects. There is more tension than a college basketball game. Who needs March Madness when you’ve got Idol?
A million years of commercials later, the contestants are divided into four groups in four different rooms. Just large empty rooms, no chairs, just sitting on the floor. (This show doesn't make enough crazillions of dollars that the brass can’t spring for some seats?) According to Voiceover Ryan, this is a long drawn out process and I bet there are some hurting, tired butts in there.
The folks in Room 1 with Wacky Ashley form a prayer group because they just know their tired butts are outta there. But surprise! This first room makes it through to the next round, including Carrot Brett, Flirty Lauren, Doo Rag James, Frodo Chris, Robbie Barone, Casey!!! and a lady who looks like one of the moms from group night.
The contestants in Room 2 are depressed now because they have ears and can hear the delighted squeals of Room 1. We will say adios to a lot of people we don’t even remember to start with. Corey with the sister makes a tent with his coat and even J.Lo's canary top and sparkly shorts can’t comfort him because, well duh.
Room 3 has even more people that we don’t know, including a gal who looks like the sister of the actress who plays on Bones and a guy who looks like Blake Lewis. The last of the remaining Gutierrez brothers is in this losing room, so they can go audition for SNL. Also leaving is Red Head Ex who can go visit Heidi in the hospital now, so that all worked out nicely.
Surely Room 4 will be given a chance and after contrived drama, they are indeed. This is good because we have colorful Naima, Julie from Colombia, and hometown Scotty. Tru is delighted that Carson is in this room and that’s okay, I guess. But ugh Junebug is still around to kick more puppies and kittens. Annoying Opera Girl Rachel lets out an aria.
Now in the hallway, the Room 1 and Room 4 groups merge upon each other like an Idol version of running with the bulls. Once again we notice Casey and Julie hug each other and it would be nice to have a love connection on the show wouldn't it? This is reality television after all.
Quotes from Hollywood part 196:
Casey: Wanna come play, Randy? Randy: Later...
Jason: I am not a crier. Ryan: Could have fooled me.
The “out and out jubilation” will continue next week. For the first time there will be a round in Vegas at Cirque du Soleil. The remaining contestants will be doing Beatles songs in groups. So another Group Round but with outfits! Hopefully no clowns though because I have both read and seen Stephen King’s It, and I don’t trust clowns.
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