There are two things that I have learned in life: never go to Golden Corral on a Sunday because they are overpriced and it’s wicked crowded. And never underestimate the power of reality television to grab a hold of your entire life and not let go.
Actually I don’t really fit American Idol into this category, as I make no secret of my loathing for “reality TV.” For my sanity’s sake, I think of it more as a “variety show.” A “talent competition” if you will. This makes me feel somewhat better about my addiction to this show.
I’ve read all about the Top 24 on the internet so my expectation is high for the next couple of shows. Don’t bring me down (“Bruce”).
First up – the top twelve guysssss, as a dapperly clad Ryan says. The judges come out on stage and it’s nice to see that ST and Jen are still stunning, and Randy still has the leather jacket from Vegas.
We are officially on the big stage and we get the “360 tour.” I feel like I am watching Inception again so everything is confusing now. Are we in someone’s dream?
Ryan lets Randy explain the initiation of the new judges and the coolness of the “Remix.” My Kid Tru and I fully agree that this panel of Judgery is awesome. After chatter about J.Lo's bling and ST’s hair feathers, we are treated to the comedic portion of our show. ST and Ryan go all “Melissa Leo at the Oscars” with the F-bomb and it’s a good thing that we now have the AI bubble sign. Perhaps it can double as a fan if any of the judges have hot flashes.
Quick intro of the top 12 guys and none of these are Colton Dixon, so we are still resentful.
First up, fresh from the Chipmunk karaoke tour, it’s Simon going solo. Speaking of karaoke, why doesn’t it qualify as a sport? Tonight Clint has round glasses and red shoes - two things that are usually adorable but it’s Clint. So no. He wails and struts “Superstition” for a thousand years and it seems like the music is overpowering him. I say to Tru that I never thought I’d say the words “Bucky Covington did this song better,” to which she says who? All three judges disagree with us; they f’love Clint. Wow Ryan looks tall next to chipmunk guy. I’d rather watch the twenty upcoming Ford commercials than hear him wail again.
Next up is Jovany, he of the ripped abs and ship building career. He looks like he would be right at home in one of those mob movies. You know, where Al Pacino is a rugged cop and Robert De Niro is the bad guy trying to do right? Tru begs me to be quiet because she likes the song he is singing. Well, “I’ll Be” – he is not doing too bad and the gray suit is nice. After 30 seconds we are bored and pondering what the heck is “love’s suicide” anyway? ST is funny but not much help, Jen is happy now, but Randy is "breaking up apple carts" all over the place. What is this “cover song” of which you speak?
We are reminded of the time that Jordon gave Jen goosebumps, and he wanted to be a legend instead of just a tool. He is very tall and attractive to look upon, but then he starts to strip and no. My puppy is fleeing now. I don’t even know this song he is attempting; thankfully my interpreter is here with me to tell me that it’s Usher, "OMG." I reflect that I didn’t realize she was such an Usher fan, and she explains that it’s the title of the song, not an expletive. In spite of having a “booty like pow pow pow,” the judges don’t like Jordon; he agrees that he is a douche. Please go back to teaching kids how to play Chopsticks.
Design your own Coke cup!! Or not. As the cola logo spins around and gives everyone seizures, Ryan sits on the chat stool with Tim from the TV show The Office. No wait, it’s Tim the singer. We are reminded of when he asked Jen her age and when he was in Hollywood and could sing well. Tonight he sings Rob Thomas, or is it Matchbox Twenty? In spite of us liking him a lot, he is not making us want to “Come On Over” tonight. Tru and I ponder this for the one hundred years it takes him to get through the song. ST and Randy flat out didn’t like him at all, but Jen remembers his crush on her and goes easy on him. She’s really nice.
This is what would happen if Felicity Porter and Ron Weasley had a son – Brett. I am very glad that he is "embracing who he is," but tonight he is like a little girl playing dress up, and Jim Morrison’s shoes do not fit him in any way. His rendition of “Light My Fire” is the embodiment of good campy fun but will anyone take him seriously? Evidently the judges do as they heap praise. Jen and Randy try to explain about the hair shaking but Brett isn’t buying it. He is like Urkel on that old sitcom - “Did I do that?” Thankfully wonderful Ryan is there to lessen, and then add to, the awkwardness. This show man! I love it so much!
The Raising Hope folks are in the audience. This is a funny show, but who has time to watch anything besides AI right now?
Ryan tells us about Jen’s new song "On the Floor" and all of the possible endings to the video. Fans can go online or something, to vote for which ending will be used. (Like lolcatz, I am constantly amused by these "interwebs!") Tru and I like Jen; she is quite possibly the fourth most beautiful person on the planet. But her music does not equal our tastes so we most likely won’t be interested in this song.
Next up is James, with music we do like. Metal baby! Judas Priest in the AI house, not something we have ever seen before. Tru gives me “the look” that dares me to say anything bad about James or his faces or rock horns, “I am a centaur” scarf, or one million bracelets. Actually there is no negativity tonight, he is really rocking out and is awesome. He keeps the shrieking to a minimum, saving it to the end like a good rocker should. I say I like him and Tru says SEE! Then ST goes wild with profanity and guarantees that America will be agreeing. Jen mentions organic insanity and Randy says “it’s how you do it!” Word.
Cute Robbie is up next and after the excitement of heavy metal, we are all calmed down now. Robbie sings that Sarah McLachlan song about puppies and kittens being in danger. Then Meg Ryan was hit by a truck while riding her bicycle, which was sad. And the “Angel” was played by Nic Cage, but then again he is in every third movie ever made. When we wake up, we learn that while we napped, Robbie sang. The judges like it, especially Jen who says he told a story and alludes that it was better than Sarah. I think most definitely not, Ms. Lopez Anthony! Randy disagrees with his “co-hearts” and says it was not the best Robbie can do.
We are reminded of the discovery of Scotty and when he played baseball and sang in a phone booth from Britain. Thankfully he doesn’t do the One Song He Knows. I don’t know this song he does tonight because it’s country; it’s something about stubborn daddies writing letters from Johnsonville. There are muddy boots and mama and I think that it’s about being in the war? Or being a long haul trucker? At any rate, it’s pleasant and nice and Scotty is just about the most adorable human ever. ST says he will be getting “Letters from Home” also, natch. Jen is glad they didn’t cut him way back and so are we.
Seattle’s own Stefano is next and I have friends in Seattle so I will like him for that reason. Also because he has impressed me with his singing in the past. Tonight not so much though. If you have ever turned the radio on in your life, you have heard this “Just the Way You Are” ditty. Stefano is having fun with the song, but something about his performance reminds me of when Billy Crystal sang at the Oscars that time he was host. All three judges like his natural ability to be a "beast on stage" and deem him radio ready right now. Ryan fishes for info about a special lady for Stefano, but he’s not sharing secrets.
Out of 125,000 people who tried out this year, Ryan says that quirky Paul was one of them. Paul is so cute in the face and a true artist. He’s been around awhile, fronting a band called the Grand Magnolias. Of course google tells me that, not the show. On the stage, he is in all black with a black rose or something pinned to his lapel. He sings “Maggie May” and channels Rod Stewart well, though a bit nasally. Tru likes everything about him. I like Paul too, but not sure if this performance moved me as much as the original songs on his website. ST tells him that the jacket and two-step are awesome; all agree that he is very unique.
Ryan uses his sarcastic voice when he introduces Jacob as “understated.” Jacob admittedly “loses himself” when he sings (and also when he runs and jumps and hollers.) Tru loves Jacob and gives me that look again. Wow, her favorites are really impressing me tonight. Jacob does an elegant version of an old R&B classic and he is convincing that a “House is Not a Home” without him. He keeps the melisma to a minimum until the end, then “yes Lord” he brings it! A teary Jen compares him to the late Luther Vandross and she is not wrong. Jacob even impresses a hard to please Randy. Way to go Mr. Lusk!
Funny fearless film camp counselor Casey is up next. We’ve waited all night for him and he doesn’t disappoint. He sings “I Put a Spell on You,” and he succeeds in doing exactly just that. He growls a bit more than I’d like but that last note was just perfect. He is a natural talent and so comfortable on stage. All of the judges agree with Tru and me about the fabulousness of Casey. ST and Jen are determined to find him a girlfriend, if you read between the lines of their banter. Randy shouts “more more more.” Such truth! From the interwebs we learned that Casey had been in the hospital, but thankfully he’s better now.
Quick review of the 12 – Hey hey hey Clint you are terrible, Jovany will be our crying shoulder, Jordon will love you down and then go home, Tim tells us to hold tight he will be better than this, Brett will be untrue and a liar about flipping his hair, James heads for a new tomorrow very loudly, Robbie is in the arms of an off-key angel, Scotty picks up his gun and gets back to work, when Stefano sees your face there is not a thing that he would change, Paul didn’t want to be alone but Maggie May stole his soul, Jacob turns the key and feels love on a real high note, Casey put a spell on everyone and we are all his now and forever.
American Idol is finally offering online voting so I am off to vote for Casey. Our other favorites from tonight are James, Paul and Jacob, and because it’s required by NC law, Scotty.
Quotes from tonight:
Steven: Holy shipyards!
Jen: More hair tossing than me and Beyonce put together in the past ten years!
Randy: Turn around, show Ryan the tail… you need a tail, Ryan.
Tomorrow night, the top 12 girls will perform. I am looking forward to the underrated contestants - Kendra and Other Lauren. Tru can’t wait to see what Rachel will do. I am thinking it will be something weird, er I mean awesome.
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