The Long Walk to the Empty Chair

February 13, 2008

That annoying Jumper guy is no longer just an icon in the corner of my TV screen. He sits on top of The Sphinx and has a snack with Ryan. Great tie-in to the movie. Almost as good as the judges saying “moment of truth” every five minutes last night.

Finally, the “jump” back to Hollywood… The Top 24 contestants are revealed tonight. This is somewhat anti-climatic, as the spoiler pages went up on the ‘net a couple weeks ago. I resisted as long as I could but finally gave in and read them. Let’s see if they were right…

And we’ve made up a new “drinking game,” only at our teetotaler house, it’s done with Mt. Dew instead of beer. Every time that Josiah cries/whines, we take a drink. By the end of the show, we should all be highly caffeinated and on a sugar high.

The fifty special Hollywood guests get up early and have a hearty breakfast together. Most of them look tired and nervous, understandably so.

Voiceover Ryan reminds us that over half of these kids will have their lives completely destroyed today. Hopefully they will be able to find work on the Oxygen network.

Everybody knows about the “long painful walk” to the judges’ desk and the formidable empty chair. Ryan reminds us that there is a camera in the elevator, the better to get our voyeurism on.

First one up is a black guy in a bright yellow cap and a neck tattoo. Never seen him before that I remember. They show us his Hollywood stuff as if we care, because he has weird eyes and is the first to get cut. He lets loose with the language on his way out the door. He fusses, “I have no idea what I’m gonna do with my life!” and I am thinking, uh… Get A Job maybe??

They must have increased their special effects budget because we see contestants appear and disappear right before our eyes. Is Criss Angel there?

Not making it to the Top 24 are extremely gorgeous gals that we don’t remember. Have not seen quite a few of the people that are mingling about in the waiting area either.

Could it be because there’s been so much pimping of A Chosen Few that we’ve not had a chance to see all of the contenders? Say it ain’t so!

Speaking of... A recap of all things Carly, including one of last night’s “purple tongue” songs. Paula goes on and on for a crazillion years to Simon’s ire. Carly is tearful but finally, mercifully Paula tells her that she has made it to the Top 24.

Now we have David Cook, the guitar playing rocker that Simon did not really like that much. He is sporting a hot-pink tie and auburn hair and it’s distracting how much those two colors clash. He makes it through and it’s funny how he exits saying, “Now I don’t have to get a job…” Obviously, he does not know what he’s in for.

We are reminded of the awesomeness of Amanda the rock-n-roll nurse, who we still really like here at Aunt Pearl’s house. She is calm and collected when she makes it through, but with the staples and sore ribs, she probably can’t move around a lot yet.

Quick flashes of some folks “remembering” their not-so-good auditions as they wait. One of these guys looks like he could be Elliott Yamin’s younger brother and OMG it’s Brandon the nail-collector. Yikes. None of them have made it through and we barely even knew their names. We get to see them cry, that is about it.

The boy with the sweet smile, David Archuleta, who will always be Star Search guy to me (I loved that dang show too) is up next. This time it’s Simon who goes on and on about how they will need tutors and child labor laws and whatnot and finally David finds out he made it through. I am impressed with this guy so far.

Josiah snarks as some of the other contestants are having fun together, socializing to pass the time.

Next up is Kristy Lee Cook who made “Amazing Grace” her signature song. She is very pretty and talented in a vanilla kinda way but I like her. Paula is concerned about her falling apart again but she makes it through. Now she can go get a much needed manicure.

Brooke the Nanny is next and we are left to wonder: if she makes it through, how will we tell her and Kristy apart? No matter, Brooke deserves this chance; she is nervous and sobby and her earrings look heavy. Before she can complete her breakdown she is told she made it through. Now those sweet twins can watch her on TV and that’s great. Cruel psych out from Randy though. Bad dawg!

Danny is funny (as in “ha ha”) in the elevator and My Kid likes his emo hairdo. We see quickly that he makes it through.

More happy contestants appear and disappear out of The Chair, including one guy with dreadlocks that we have not heard sing yet. His name is Jason Castro. Where’ve they been hiding him? Probably in the trunk of Josiah’s car.

Another extremely attractive guy named Luke Menard makes it through. Have not heard him yet EITHER and am becoming annoyed at this “who the heck are these people” repeat from last year. I suppose Luke was hidden underneath Carly’s tattoo.

The teen girl with the sweet great-granny, Alexandrea makes it. We have heard enough of her to like what she has to offer so far.

The winning contestants are encouraged to “let it all out in the elevator.” I guess it’s not a spy cam if the folks know it’s there, right? There is much joy between floors.

Cute tiny Filipino Ramiele goes to the chair next. This chick is too adorable for words; we all just love her. So glad when she makes it, and her parents await with open arms. (Maybe I need to change my drinking game to the times that I cry.)

Bad news comes to a guy we saw two seconds of last night on the piano. Voiceover Ryan tells us that each rejected contestant handles the news differently. Yeah, we kinda got that Seacrest but thanks for sharing.

The pretty gal with the Flashdance hair and 80s jeans is very dignified. Drew the farmer says he’s glad that he won’t miss turkey season. A pretty lady is happy to go home to her cute husband and baby. Classy exits, all.

Michael Johns, the Australian guy is up next and he is a shoo-in. He has the whole package of good voice, great looks, and stage presence. And did I mention he is a hottie? Yeah… Oh, where was I? He makes it through to the Top 24 and for some reason finds it “ridiculous.” That word must mean something different Down Under.

Syesha “I went to Hollywood and all I got were these lousy flash cards” takes the chair next. I really like her scarf and she is a gorgeous gal. Paula asks her how to spell her name and points out that the word YES is among those letters. Eye rolling time, but glad that she made it and can recycle the flash cards to the next very hoarse contestant.

Rocker Robbie is next and although his first audition was great, what we saw in Hollywood was not that good. He is granted a reprieve and makes it through.

Next we meet Garrett Haley, and again I say WHO? This little guy looks like Leif Garrett from the 70s, so at least his name is appropriate. Am guessing that he has been hiding under Brooke the Nanny’s hairdo, since they look like they go to the same stylist.

We do remember the next few who make it through to the 24: Britney imitator Kady Malloy, soulful Chikezie Eze, quarter-jap hookerwear fashionista Amy Davis, and the Carriebot teen Alaina Whitaker.

Oops now yet another mystery male finalist makes it through; his name is Jason Yeager. He is cute and has a cool blond streak right in the middle of his forehead. He exclaims “are you serious” and so do we but for different reasons. I swear, if they let me edit this show, all this “previously unknown” crap would not happen.

Asiah, who looks absolutely beautiful with her new hairdo is optimistic and hopeful. Paula tells her that she is “onboard for an amazing ride.”

We are told that the judges’ decision for David Hernandez was not unanimous and Randy asks him how he thought he did in Hollywood. Well, I can answer that one, dawg: he did freakin’ fantastic! He was great! But he was not pimped to the max as there was no filler fodder back-story! So there! Thank goodness he makes it or I was quitting. Simon spouts that he needs to work harder and blah blah, something stupid.

Here we go… waterworks time. My Hubby proclaims that he just can not bear to see Josiah cry anymore and leaves the room. Car Kid is confident that the judges picked him as one of the top 12 guys but alas they did not. My Kid snarks that she hopes that he doesn’t go out and run his house into a tree. Everyone in the entire theater hugs on him but I was over this guy last night. Okay, so he’s homeless? So what; it is BY HIS CHOICE. If he were a father of four who had just got laid off from the factory and was homeless, THEN it would be sad. Josiah? Not sad. Pathetic but not sad. Thank the merciful heavens he is sent on his way. Now go call your mom!!

We are down to the last two guys and last two gals. Since so far the spoilers have been correct, I already speculate who makes it.

The remaining guys are Kyle, who is more adorable each time we see him and Colton Berry, the blond boy that My Kid likes. Colton is the one that makes it but Kyle is totally okay with that. Simon goes on for a hundred years about how he wanted KYLE to be the one to go through instead of Colton. We can’t help but wonder if this is to stop the hate mail from coming after his bratty walkout on last night’s episode.

Gorgeous Cardin and Lovely Joanna are the last two ladies that linger. Flashbacks reveal that Joanna is a far better singer by a mile. Randy wants to go all Dr. Phil and talk about feelings and some such. Cardin admits that she does not feel like she did herself justice. Joanna says she sang from the heart and is gracious to be there. She plays the plus-size card but does not need to; she makes it through. Cardin is sent to an audition as Taylor & Ridge’s long lost daughter on B&B. (Or should be.) Cardin is sweet to Joanne and they walk out hand-in-hand as the Ferras song plays.

Montage of the ones who did not make it, some of them sad and some of them resolved. It ends with a curly-haired gal saying “Be happy. Love your life. Love each other.”

Ryan introduces us to the Top 24:

The Top 12 Guys try to out-dork each other with their dancing.

Chikezie Eze
Danny Noriega
Jason Yeager
David Cook
David Hernandez
Luke Menard
Michael Johns
Jason Castro
Robbie Carrico
Colton Berry
David Archuleta
Garrett Haley

Now it’s the Top 12 Girls, who dance like they’re at Coyote Ugly.

Kristy Lee Cook
Amanda Overmyer
Alexandrea Lushington
Joanne Borgella
Brooke White
Syesha Mercado
Alaina Whitaker
Asia'H Epperson
Amy Davis
Kady Malloy
Carly Smithson
Ramiele Malubay

Can we please hear the Jasons and Luke and Garrett sing now????

‘Til next week when the real fun begins…