First of all - Randy Jackson? Singing is not your thing, ‘kay dawg? Not even with S. Ty as back-up. Thanks.
Tonight’s show is from Milwaukee - the audition city of cheese, beer, the Fonz and Danny Gokey. Not necessarily in that order. The judges are at a “renowned” art museum talking about looking for the “package.” Gokey emcees and the crowd goes wild.
The first boy up is from Garner, NC, which is right around the corner from us. Scotty sings country music in a deep baritone voice and he is wonderful. Naturally the country songs he chooses are all about screwin’ which seems awkward coming from a 16-year-old. My Kid (Tru) reminds me that MTV has made a fortune off of teenagers having the “S” word. Then she feels like a creeper because she’s totally crushing on this young boy. ST drops the “F” word in front of the minor child but he is undisturbed by profanity. It’s refreshing to see Scotty act like a kid in the excitement of making it to H’wood.
Ryan says that Milwaukee is really cold, which doesn’t match with the shorts/sandals attire that we are seeing. Anyway… the news of auditions being in town has got the radio DJs all abuzz. This segues into a segment with a DJ wannabe who chats with Ryan. I admire how sweet Seacrest is with the crazy people. He’s just kind and understanding and never condescending to them. They spend a lot of time on the DJ guy, but we have two hours to kill tonight so it’s okay. Sadly he can’t sing well and they tell him not to quit his day job.
Next up is a 15-year-old who just got her permit and she made the sixteen hour drive to audition. Emma has the blonde over black two-toned hairdo, so Tru likes her right away for that reason alone. In front of the judges, Emma sings “True Colors” and she sounds pleasant, but there is an underlying edge like she’s recovering from bronchitis or something. It doesn’t look good for her even though ST says she has character in her voice, which is true. Although they deem her not ready yet, her tears sway them to let her go to H’wood. Her mom confirms that she has been sick; hopefully the competition won’t swallow her up like Randy and Jen predict.
There are a few scary-looking contestants that show us exactly how easy it is to butcher every artist from Lady Gaga to Evanescence. Some of these folks fit into the category of “I’d like to buy you for what you’re worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.” (To which Tru replies, “Human trafficking?” and misses the point entirely.)
Finally, a hard-working janitor for the Summerfest concert festival is interviewed. Her name is Naima (Nay-e-ma) and Tru and I like her right off the bat. She is humble and has a cool 80s style; that was my heyday so it takes me back. As ST says, she sings “beautiful” and deservedly makes it through to the next round. Some Judgery banter ensues that is edited to look way more awkward that it should have been.
We would like to interrupt our program with “When Stuntmen Go Wild.” Poor cameraman gets a kick in the gut by a flipping fool. Meanwhile, a lady does not impress with “Jenny from the Block” and a 50ish dentist comes in with a giant toothbrush. Publicity stunt much?
At first J.Lo smirks at a wedding singer with cool tennies, hat and horn rims, but he wows us with an old Marvin Gaye song. Jerome makes the song his own and the judges love him and his “hot crazy vocals.” He makes it through to the delight of his mom, the Heat Miser from the Santa Claus movies.
Voiceover Ryan reminds us that Justin Bieber has changed the face and hair of the universe - ergo the powers that run Idol decided to lower the age limit. Now accepting applications from adorable kittens, puppies, and kindergartens. JK!
So far a lot of the contestants going to H’wood are sophomores, including the next girl who goes on and on to make everyone feel old. Thia sings an Adele song called “Chasing Pavements” and I think it’s kinda shouty but the judges love her. She does have a nice voice, but they are seeking the whole package which will look like Maggie Q in a few years, so yeah. She is going to Hollywood.
About 1,487 more 15-year-olds make it through to the next round, and my heart is sinking because these children should be concentrating on high school and proms and class rings. But that is just me being old- fashioned, because TODAY’S teenager already wants a career and everything else and they want it NOW.
A Civil War re-enactor guy is up next. I can’t make fun of this because every year my daughter and her best friend go to the Animazement convention. In costume. So… Not laughing at the passion this guy has for play-acting, but I can say his song choice is kinda messed up. “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” but he just got woke up by this caterwauling. Exit stage left.
It doesn’t get much better with the next guy and there is a moment of very awkward silence, plus he has a mullet. Never trust anyone with a mullet, unless it’s 1989. J.Lo just wants these bad folks to go away while ST plays with his scarves.
A very tall pretty young lady is a Harvard grad and White House intern. Molly loves Prez Obama but not in a creepy way and tells us about how Randy accidentally high-fived her face. He is abashed and apologetic about her busted lip. Ouch. While she sings I notice that she looks like the blonde gal on the new show Off the Map. Her voice starts out kinda breathy but gets better and they put her through to H’wood.
Day two in Mil Town and 2 out of 3 judges are dressed in 50s attire. Shout out to Happy Days and Laverne and Shirley perhaps? Tru and I agree that we have never enjoyed this show more than we do now and it’s all because of one specific lead singer of Aerosmith!
We heart ST, even when he goes into creepy old rock star mode as he does with the next young lady. 18-year-old Haley is very cute and does a fantastic rendition of “Oh Darling.” She tried out last year but didn’t make it through; Randy pretends to remember her when he tells her she did much better this time. Haley is excitedly on her way to the next round.
Tiwan Strong is up next and wow what a cool name for a singer! All decked out in white, down to his shoes, he blows everyone away with his fabulous vocals. Even Ryan likes Tiwan. It’s so funny – Tiwan is oblivious to his sister’s painful charley horse, but wee Seacrest is on hand to play doctor.
In a former life, I worked in accounting so I can totally relate to this next guy. Steve is a CPA and auditor and oh look! They show him on the telephone and it’s a desk phone made by the company I work for! Sweet! Steve is very tall and looks like Will Farrell in the face. The judges find his singing to be “disturbingly great” (ST) and he makes it through to the next round. Hopefully he will meet the tall intern from earlier in the show. Who needs eHarmony when you’ve got idol?
The next young lady is pretty and is wearing a very nice dress but unfortunately “Loving You” is not a good song choice for her. Plus she messes up and blames “that lady” (Jennifer) for staring at her! This turns from bad to worse, and even though this new Judgery try hard to go easy on her, she gets really offended. Simon would have eaten this beyotch alive. The cameraman follows her out to let her tirade ad nauseum, then they show other belligerent rejects yelling at the camera to STFU and get outta their face.
Next up is an Obama impersonator who is 24 but looks 40. He needs to stick with comedy because his singing is really not good; he only hits one out of ten notes and those notes are offended. ST’s heavy metal analogy goes over the guy’s head and he’s sent on his way.
Now we have the boy who sold me my last laptop. Geeky guy but what a cutie, this Scott! So funny when ST asks him if he’s wearing lipstick and he said he got it from making out with a girl in line. Love this guy! Tru proclaims him to be a hottie. There’s something about him that reminds me of Ron Weasley. We have to rewind his singing several times because he is AWESOME!! Probably the best of the night so far; at least that is what Jennifer says.
There is a lot of talk about the Green Bay Packers and I have no interest in football, the Superbowl, or sports in general, so I go nuke some Pop-Secret. One of the most annoying chicks I have ever seen on the show is a self-proclaimed Packers fan, and she does a terrible opera version of a Bieber song. Just crap with a capital C.R.A.P.
The next gal in line to audition is a big ST fan. Alyson looks like one of the old rocker’s daughters. There’s an awkward moment when she professes her fan love, and he almost tells her that she reminds him of one of his groupies. She actually looks more like a young Gina Gershon than Liv or Mia, so maybe it’s not as extra creepy after all. Singing “Come Together” doesn’t really help, mainly because that song has the most bizarre lyrics ever. They let her attempt “Dream On” and it’s okay but not much better. She tries to give it that rock edge and after too much giddiness, they finally put her through.
As “Dream On” appropriately plays in the background, we see Aly’s joy plus several other contestants who made it through. Like always, we didn’t get to see hardly any of these happy kids who are jumping up and down holding a golden ticket. One of these unseen singers may be the next Kris Allen, you never know.
We get a recap of the best of the best for this evening, and now for this evening’s sob story. They have been foreshadowing all evening that something really sad was coming. Chris is an amiable young man, and he tells us the story of his fiancée Juliana who was in an accident. She is now brain-damaged and he very devotedly helps take care of her. Tru says “why don’t they make more men like him?” Chris sings the “falling to pieces” (“Breakeven”) song and the lyrics are very poignant and his voice is excellent. A Daughtry song is playing in the background as Chris brings Juliana in to meet the judges. She holds his golden ticket and everyone at Aunt Pearl’s house is crying now.
I have mixed feelings about the sob stories on American Idol. They work well on shows like Extreme Makeover but AI is supposed to be about singing. (I know, I know - since when?) Over the past ten years we have seen contestants battle everything from illiteracy to homelessness to child abuse. We’ve had dead dads, dead wives, sick and handicapped children – the list is endless.
While I admire Chris and every other contestant who has displayed their struggles for the entire world to see, I can’t help but remember one Mr. David Cook, winner of season seven. David’s brother was battling cancer during the time that David was on the show and he never mentioned it on the air once. Now THAT dignity and discretion is something that I admire more.
Quotes from tonight:
Steven to Randy: Dawg’s gonna turn into a pussycat right now.
Contestant: Can I have a sip of your coke? Randy: Uh no. It’s Coke Zero, you can get some out there.
Ryan to Jen: By the way - you and your ways? Jen: He’s such a diva and I can’t take it!
Randy: All of the “isms” are jumping off. Steven: With none of the “wasims.”
Civil war re-enactor guy about his dad: He’s not a hippie. Hippies believe in sex. He’s not a hippie!
Tomorrow night we will see auditions from Nashville - not that we need any more country singers. When it comes to country, it doesn’t get any better than Scotty from Garner, and he is already on his way to Hollywood. It’s fun to have a hometown guy to root for!
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